509

I talked out loud.
Said everything that I've been thinking, and everything that I've been thinking about thinking.
I explained the whole situation to myself and back again.
I tried to figure out the difference between my brain, heart and stomach- but nothing really came together.

No one reads this anymore so I think it's okay to write the more uncomfortable things down.

Everyone has their thing ya know? Their vice, struggle, problem, whatever.
Mine is finding happiness.
It's always been a struggle. I fight on a daily basis to see all the good things in my life. I wake up on empty. I have to force myself to find happiness in simply having the privilege of waking up, of having slept in a warm, big, comfortable bed, that I'm alive and can get OUT of bed. Through out the day I have to keep focused. "What's good about my life right this second?" That I have the opportunity to be up on campus learning, that I have a car that can get me to and from places. That I can run, that I have the family that I do. That there's sunshine. That I'm here.

Every day I try, but not every day do I succeed.
Lately I've been on the failing side of things.
I burst into tears on a regular basis because all I want is for having happiness to be something that comes as natural as breathing or blinking. But it isn't for me. It isn't natural. This is my struggle. This is my weakness. I get tired pretty easily. Sometimes to a point where I sleep for days on end. Sometimes I can't force myself to get out of bed. Sometimes I just can't fake it. Sometimes I don't find happiness. And sometimes it lasts for long amounts of time.

There are side effects of those long bouts of time.
I can't be as good a friend to people as I want to be.
I can't take care of myself and often time can't find it in me to respect myself.
I start to slack on callings, homework, and other productive things.


Things start to creep in.
All the things in my life that I've tried to banish from my thought process.
All the disregard.
All the inconsideration.
All the insecurities.
All the times, that for some reason, I haven't been valued enough as a person for basic respect.

Then I start to believe that I'm not deserving of it.
And then I start to just expect that.

I've been pulling myself out of that cycle for a couple months now.
Things were on the up and up but it always comes to a stand still.
I'm standing still. And it's not because I want to. I keep trying to move. But I can't.

When is my life going to start?
Am I ever going to get there?
I feel afraid all that time.
Please, some security.