Friday, March 25, 2011


Too legit to quit.
It's like that ya'll.

Pretty sure I blew that test out of the water.
Ace for Chelsea.
Ran into Eric, nice chat, potential lunch date in the future.

As I drove home I went back and forth about heading to the gym. Wanted to come home, sit and think for awhile but once you get into a routine it's really hard to get out of it. It's a good thing, because I DID end up going to gym because yes, I'm addicted to the runners high. I also hoped it would clear my head a little bit.

Didn't stay long. Just long enough.

I need answers.
I need guidance.
I need help.

Sat and thought. FINALLY. That's all I wanted.
Cannonaded into tears.
The same thing almost happened last night.
I was talking briefly about high school-because of a situation that brought up highschool.
There was a moment where I paused because a surge of emotion sent my eyes watering and I almost choked.

But that's a different story.

Lay on my bed and let myself cry those weird tears.
WEIRD tears.
I can't even explain what was wrong.
All I felt was that I had to be stronger, but I didn't want to be stronger on my own. That I had to make some more rules, but that I didn't want to feel like a little girl/ idiot/prude. That I had to be careful, but that being careful hasn't ever gotten me anywhere that makes me feel secure. That I need more faith and trust, but that I'm afraid of being hopeful. That I had to change, but that there would be costs that might/could alienate me. That I could trust myself, but that everything objectively sabotages or discounts that trust. That it was going to take some more time for me to get a clear answer, but that I'm impulsive, impatient, and when it builds up-entirely reckless.

There are things I've been promised if I remain valiant.
I need to allow myself to believe those promises and act accordingly.
I just want someone to help me.

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