Friday, October 28, 2011


Going through a rough patch. With myself.
Just still trying to figure things out. The cold dark weather is coming on, so I know less than happy feelings about everything are partly because of that. Being really hard on myself. Not taking the best care of myself-as far as self love and respect go. All I wanna do is talk about it, but there's no one I can think of that could really understand or care about what I'd have to say. I talk to God a lot. But he's not sitting with me in my room talking to me face to face. Sure we can talk spirit to spirit but I just want something I can touch. Something. Someone.

I was told writing would help me.
And it has, if helping means every time I sit down to let out some thoughts and feelings my keyboard is drowned with tears. I'm not meaning to repress everything. I've always been really honest and open about how I feel about different things. With this though, for whatever reason I feel as though I have to do it alone. And it's driving me crazy. And I've started treating the people I care most about, badly. I wrote Cristian a letter the other day and left it on his gaming chair. He read it but didn't understand why I was apologizing for my behavior, which just made me burst into more tears.

He's the best.
The absolute best.
I deserve less.

Whenever there's a problem I just want to run to him, but I don't want him to see me like this. He's so strong and positive and always has a bright side. He's happy and enthusiastic about this. He believes it's a blessing. And I feel as though I'm just the opposite. I feel weak and negative. It's hard to find even a small bit of happiness in a day lately. I'm upset and worried about the situation. I see it as a mistake (not my baby, the timing in which it happened). I see it as a trial. I wrote in a different journal closer to the beginning of all this that I just wanted to endure it well.
I'm not enduring this well this week. There are small, fleeting happy moments where I really laugh, or really smile, or really feel good.. but they haven't lasted long this week. I'm ready for this week to be over.

I can't seem to get away from anything. It makes sense, and I shouldn't be trying to run from everything but can't I come home without you, mum, hounding me about something to do with my situation? Can't me and the people I keep in contact with talk about something other than me? Can't me and Cristian have a fun, light, conversation instead of me turning it into something serious where we just end up fighting?

I'm trying to figure everything ok?
There's a lot.
It's not going to happen over night.
I don't know why she thinks it's going to.
Why I think it's going to.

He wants to move back to Cali.
I want to move anywhere but somewhere close to here.
So we're looking at jobs out there.
Please God, let us find something.

Tonight is a Halloween party. I was supposed to help plan it, but mostly what I've done this week is beat all the feeling out of myself. And the few remaining feeling I have, the ones that somehow managed to sustain my abuse are wandering around like wounded baby animals just waiting to die. I want tonight to be fun, to go be with everyone, get dressed up-do something crazy like.. carve a pumpkin and forget about who I am and what's going on in my life. But I don't know if I can go. Some of these people are... not exactly what I thought. And if people feel as though they have to be "cautious" around me- then how about I save everyone some stress and not come. I wouldn't have been offended if you simply hadn't invited me.

It just makes a lot more sense to me.
There's another party tomorrow night that Cristian and I are invited to. It'll be rowdy, but I want to go because he does. I don't have a costume. He's going to be a robber. I was thinking Where's Waldo but I don't know if I'll get anything together. Everything feels like such a chore. I'm realizing that this is a pretty whiny post-but you can navigate to different screen whenever you want. This is my space. Suck it.

So I'm not sure what I'm gonna do today. Nap is definitely on the list. Crying can already be checked off. I wanna go be with Cristian.

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