608

Kind of hate today. It started off with Cristian showing me a stupid 9gag picture he knew would bother me. He just doesn't get that I don't have that broad of a sense of humor lately, and anything that makes me feel insecure isn't going to make me laugh. It's only going to make me cry and run away. So that's basically what's going on. I have my bridal shower tonight and I feel like trash. Been crying all day, and trying to sleep so I'll stop crying. And I just don't know how I'm going to get through the next 2-3 hours smiling and pretending everything is okay and I'm one very happy bride.

Thinking about it kind of makes me want to throw up.

Need some space and time away.
And there's a small part of me that wants to throw everything in the bag, give up on all the things we've got planned and start with nothing. Nothing and nowhere is a familiar place, and one with which I can always improve on. Things can't get much worse once you're at the bottom so why not just put myself there for awhile then try to rebuild to where I once was instead of fighting all the things that want to bury me in this dark ominous hole. Perhaps it's twisted logic but most things are twisted right now.

I don't know if anything I feel about my situation is normal, because I have no one to talk to about my situation. No one can relate. No one can possibly understand. And I myself am tired of thinking about it and wanting to talk about it. I don't know if it's hormones speaking, or something else but I'm hot then cold, happy then sad, sure then doubtful. It's never just one thing that stays for awhile. In one day I experience the entire spectrum of human emotions and then I can't sleep at night to follow up every day that feels like an episode.

And now my mother's bothering me about how I should look happier because they're throwing this party for me.. and "shouldn't I find a top that says something more about how happy I am?"

Fuck.