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Went and looked around for a mattress today.
Dang, their expensive. I think I always knew that but I've never actually had to buy one. And we're in pretty big need of one. I can't sleep on the mattress that we've got. I wake up with a really sore back- course a lot of that is also because I'm pregnant and my hips are widening. It helps if I put a blanket or another pillow in between then, but not that much.

I told him I could just take the bed from my apartment and set it up (temporarily) in our living room but for some reason he has some real issues with that idea. It would only be until we purchase or found another one. Sighs.

Printing starts on Monday and hopefully doesn't take that long since we're really behind as far as putting those things together. Jan 21st is right around the corner and we still have a lot to figure out. Who knew it would take this freaking long to get everything done.... not me that's for sure...

I go in on Wednesday to find out the gender of the baby, and in the meantime Cristian found a 2nd job working at a sushi bar. I think he enjoys it. I would feel much better if I could find something to. It would be nice to have some extra income and to not feel like such a leech.. but I guess that's probably how it's going to be for a min.

I have an opportunity to go to China in May. And I know I have a job for sure here in May if I want it. Just need to get certified in a few things, fill out the online application is February, and then count on Scott to put a good work in for me with Dan. But I'm not to worried.... I've got the job. Just not for a min.

Also. This is weird but I think my doctor got my due date wrong. I was doing the math and it works out that I would be due April 24th.. not May 24th. Guess we'll discuss that at my next appointment... kinda awkward.




Can't wait to get back in shape.

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Our announcements are almost finished and they look amazing!
Joni truly is an artist genius. I definitely think she managed to capture "me" in the layout.
Pretty excited about it. I love how feminine and awesome they look! And that there's purple..

LOVE me some purple.
Very happy about that.
Now for printing.....

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Hhhhhhh.....

oh dear.

609

Happy Christmas Eve!!
I've got Cristian's pressies all put together- now if only my eye will stop swelling so I can go and chill with his family for a bit.


Hhh..
I love Christmas.

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Kind of hate today. It started off with Cristian showing me a stupid 9gag picture he knew would bother me. He just doesn't get that I don't have that broad of a sense of humor lately, and anything that makes me feel insecure isn't going to make me laugh. It's only going to make me cry and run away. So that's basically what's going on. I have my bridal shower tonight and I feel like trash. Been crying all day, and trying to sleep so I'll stop crying. And I just don't know how I'm going to get through the next 2-3 hours smiling and pretending everything is okay and I'm one very happy bride.

Thinking about it kind of makes me want to throw up.

Need some space and time away.
And there's a small part of me that wants to throw everything in the bag, give up on all the things we've got planned and start with nothing. Nothing and nowhere is a familiar place, and one with which I can always improve on. Things can't get much worse once you're at the bottom so why not just put myself there for awhile then try to rebuild to where I once was instead of fighting all the things that want to bury me in this dark ominous hole. Perhaps it's twisted logic but most things are twisted right now.

I don't know if anything I feel about my situation is normal, because I have no one to talk to about my situation. No one can relate. No one can possibly understand. And I myself am tired of thinking about it and wanting to talk about it. I don't know if it's hormones speaking, or something else but I'm hot then cold, happy then sad, sure then doubtful. It's never just one thing that stays for awhile. In one day I experience the entire spectrum of human emotions and then I can't sleep at night to follow up every day that feels like an episode.

And now my mother's bothering me about how I should look happier because they're throwing this party for me.. and "shouldn't I find a top that says something more about how happy I am?"

Fuck.

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Finished up some Christmas shopping. Daddy's gonna LOVE his present and hopefully what Talisa and I picked out for Jasmin is good as well. Steph and Bean are covered and now I have to worry about Cristian and this shower tomorrow. Announcements should be ready by the first week of January and things are coming together. Hopefully his parents get out here on Thursday like we've planned to go over everything and man.. am I exhausted.

Mom wants me to go and try on a dress because nothing is fitting anymore, but I'm t sad to tell her that I can't go into clothing stores right now without bursting into tears because I can't stand this baby bulge. I know I"ll be happy in the long run but I can't wear any of the pretty things I used to, and I'm afraid to try on.. ANYTHING because it might result in a meltdown.

I have this thing with my body image, and having a baby bulge really isn't working for me at the moment. Plus its Christmas so I feel as though I'm eating more than I usually would... even though I'm probably not and I have to take baths daily to take away some of the aching that's coming up. Man. I have lots to complain about. But there are good things to. Cristian's finally getting serious about the job situation.. to bad it had to start happening a month before we're married...

But hopefully something turns out. Tomorrow is the shower which should be fun and my daddy, brother, Cristian and maybe Allen and Ray are all going out to dinner and Mission Impossible 2 for "guys night". I'm glad he's spending time with my family.. it means the world to me. I need to get a body pillow, and start using another pillow to help my back-it's starting to get sore because my hips are widening.. oh pregnancy lol.

Ready for a bath, and maybe a small nap before I head home for the night.

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Wow, we got a lot done today, and hopefully it results in some employment for both of us.
I sat down to write something important but now I can't remember what.
That's awesome.




WAIT!
I remembered, just now.
So I'm kind of into photography. I took a couple classes in highschool and college and have entered a few contests (I've never won any of them though) but then I got a call today which sort of changed that. A friend of mine is writing a book, and he wants to use one of my landscape pics as the cover for it. He sent it to me with the date of the book and everything on it and I must say it looks awesome!
So um... my photography is going to be on a book cover for which I shall be paid and maybe become famous for lol. I don't really care about that, but I'm excited that I'll get to see it on something published and awesome :D

Good things happening.