30

Yesterday= a whirlwind of emotions.

A good friend of mine was flying back to Mississippi this morning, yesterday was the last time to see her for several years I'd say- if at all. I'd been tip-toeing the line about going because my litany of things to get accomplished this week just doubled-tripled in size and my middle name is all of a sudden "procrastinator". [I] Never used to be this way.
What's happened?

Any..way...
Went to the gym at 8. Stayed about an hour and 1/2.
Was about to hop in the shower when Nicole called. "I'm at class until 1 and there's still a bunch of stuff to plan"
"Well I don't think I'm going to make it actually?"

And then "it" happened. She threw a fit. Apparently it was MY idea in the first place [Um... what?]. And since I'm SO good at planning things [ and even if you don't know me, you should realize from these entries that I am NOT one to plan things and have then follow through in a timely and organized matter- screw planning] that I should be the one to get on the phone and let everyone know the agenda [whose agenda? YOUR agenda? Because you're idea about how this should go down is shot to heck as far as I'm concerned].

She was pushy.
And I pushed back for awhile.
Stop telling me what to do, or trying to make me feel guilty- because I never had a commitment to you anyways. Back.Off.

I'm about to step in the shower, and Scott calls:
"So, Nicole's having a fit"
"Yes, and I'm about to get in the shower"
"How is this relevant?"
"My grandpa fought in world war II" *click*

Sloshing out of the shower, Wade:
"We're going to be at your house in about 2 minutes"
"I just got out of the shower, and I have a bunch of stuff to get done. I don't have time to play around"
"Are you angry?"
"No. I'm sopping wet." *click*

Working on my hair, Scott:
"We're still waiting downstairs. Are you almost done?"
"No."
"Ok" *click*


So a couple hours later [ and believe me I have absolutely no idea how this happened] I'm riding down to the city with Scott, Wade, Nicole, and Ber. Crammed in the back, listening to poor music [not all], trying to get along with everyone because I so do NOT want to be there.
And none of this has to do with Brooke. I would have gone to the moon and back if it meant I could see her one last time.
And I am super-glad that I DID get to see her before she headed for the homeland.

I have more to say on this, but just realized that I'm wasting time.
I'll get back to this once I finished my list for the day!
cheers!


7:22pm

Alright. Some of the list was accomplished, but time has run out to do some of the other things.
In brighter news I cooked my first meal in about 5 years. Falafal!! Next time I'll make it spicier- and I'll put a little more zest in the hummus.
Overall [ do you guys remember when overalls were cool? Yeah, me either] it was a success. And I am very pleased with myself.


Facts:
I'm vegetarian. You will never see me chomp on red meat. Every now and then I used to nibble chicken/turkey. [Never Never Never pork] But just the other day I attempted to have a leafy green salad with some deli turkey meat and I almost gagged. The smell of chicken is becoming hard to stand as well.
I don't drink soda. I work out a lot. And that includes swimming- it is EXTREMELY hard to breathe while you swim if you've been drinking soda. It's so bad for you. [but by all means continue to sip your coca cola's]
I'm not a huge fan of candy. However I WILL eat Dots. Love those mommies.

And, for the most part I avoid fast food, mayonnaise [ugh], and things that have butter in them.

Confession: I LOVE carbs.
Give me pasta, bread, whatever- I thoroughly enjoy it.
Not exactly a health nut- but I'm trying to be better.
I'm eliminating all un-natural sugars from my diet. And milk.
I've stopped growing, my bones are not going to become any stronger. I'm off the milk.

A little background:
My parents used to practice a Vegan lifestyle- then they hit college and adopted a vegetarian lifestyle (along with adopting their 1st two kids. Toby, and Jasmin). Now they eat meat and take pleasure in the distinct taste or iron. [ writing this is enough to bring the horrible image of a bloody, meaty steak to my eyes. Oh, the horror]

So we have all these vegan/vegetarian cookbooks that are indeed treasure troves.
Only now am I prying the locks and examining the pirate booty. And what booty it is indeed.


In other news- mystification is choking me out.

He gave me a jangle this morning, right as I stepped out of the gym. Wanted to hang out- o..... k...? Was he having a change of heart- I don't know. Was he bored and didn't have anyone else to hang out with- no idea. Perhaps testing the waters- my guess.. is just that- a guess.

I care.
So much I want to scream sometimes.
I'm not in love.
But there are moments where I think I am. The intensity drives me up the walls.

We talked about this though.
My life is different.
And so is his.

I could see it happening.
I can't risk it if we're not on the same page.


Initially he told ME no. Said he'd been leading me on for years.
Well he got that right. Those letters didn't exactly spell out "friendship" as much as they did "spouse". And what about all the stuff you bought me that I refused, the dates that were amazing, that time you kissed me. I'll never forget the way your hand slid down my neck coming to a rest at my shoulders. Or how you lips brushed against my ear giving me chills.

What was that about eh?


He told ME no.
So I said alright, and went along my merry way. I wasn't upset or hurt. I didn't cry or become angry. I kept a level head and more then that my heart was stable as well. We were friends, I couldn't have asked for more! And in the end [now] I'm grateful that you DID say "no"- because I'm happier being alone then I would have been in the long run with you.


I'm not changing my mind.
Not a chance.
But you can change yourself.

You know it's possible. It's time to take responsibility.
In my next entry- I will explain-EVERYTHING. Because this probably doesn't make sense to ANYONE!

How frustrating.