46

Empty
Empty
Empty

The hum of a simple piano key.
Vibrant, continuous.. it slowly loses luster. And colour.
G.
That's the note I'm expressing.

Never foresaw this coming, and it feels like most of these entries are negative. Lately. But my taction isn't pessimistic or dissentient, more contemplative and complacent. It's just that there's nothing of significance is materializing. This is unheard of. For me.

Unmotivated.
Unmoved.
Uninspired

Mostly "un" everything...

But I'm at peace. Pleased as punch. Happy.... kinda. I think. I can't really tell though.
Isn't this what people feel like right before they die?

It's like I've already accomplished everything that I want with the exception of 2 things.

Marriage.
Children.

And that's such a big lie! Right? Now I'm trying to convince myself! I still have things that I want to do....right? There's still so much. I've only lived a grand total of 21 yrs of life- well into my 22nd. Ok, not well into but it's begun.

I've attended school [not finished but..], I've had about 1,000,000,000 different jobs that have taught me countless things. I've traveled much of the world and partaken of the experiences with an open mind and a mostly open heart. I've gone back and forth to the straight and narrow more times then I can count. I've experienced the joys of Humanitarian Aid.
-I have no drive to get a job.
-I have no drive to go back to school.
-I have no drive to do anything what so ever.

I've been within the confines of my house for the past 2 and 1/2 weeks. I haven't left the walls of this realm.

What do I make of this?
I could be depressed. I had an inference that perhaps I should start taking the pills again. I don't feel unhappy or reckless. I don't feel maniacal or impulsive. I haven't shed tears for no reason. These are proven side effects of my chemical imbalance. Instead "static" is the only thing revealing. static. static. static. static. static. static.
No real progress. I'm starting to develop some obsessions??? Obsessions that I've never really known. I'm just not the type. Am I?

And the most disturbing of all is that I don't mind that I've become a hermit. This is shocking, because I'm the type of person that-in fact- DOES mind that sort of behavior.
Not quite sure what to make of it. Or not make of it.

I wish I had a hint.
A clue.
I'd even attempt a riddle. ˙sǝlppıɹ ʇɐ pooƃ ou ʇsnɾ ɯ,ı puɐ
Whatever I'm supposed to do I will do. I'll go anywhere, I'll do whatever it takes. I just need some kind of guidance. I don't want to leap blindly on this. It's important to me to do things right this time. Whatever path will take me to him... Whatever road will be best for me.. Wherever I'm supposed to go...

I will.
I will.


This picture was taken in the Marina de' Ragusa Sicily. May 2007. I miss the heat. I miss the humidity. I miss the smell of the Mediterranean, and the those 2 perfect blue horizons crashing in the distance. The ocean crabs sunning themselves on the rocks, the sweet smell of the fresh fruit open air markets, and the soft sand monopolizing my toes.

Oh Italy.