47

Received a text last night from Nicole.
"Breakfast tomorrow morning. 9 am. My apartment. Please come."
I thought about it. Actually thought about it instead of disregarding it like I've been doing. Didn't text her back for hours. And then this morning realized that I really did need to start doing something about this... thing that's taken over me.

I awoke feeling rested and spri, got ready for the day.
"Don't want anyone to guess what's been going the last couple weeks do I?" I said this to myself as I applied mascara to my eyelashes and crammed by hand into my purse looking for the trusty chapstick [the cheap stuff, cause that's how I roll.]

Assembled an outfit, showered, ready for the day by 9 am.

I drove Petey [my big grey van] out there around 9:30. Needed a moment to hash things through, how to act, what things to say...
It was really...refreshing..to be in the presence of people again. An embryonic feeling of discomfort. Jarren was showing some interest and I'm just not ready for that. And that new kid- Riley. At first I liked him-seemed a nice enough guy, then realized that all conversation had to be revolved around him. It's a shame, he had such beautiful blue eyes. He kept saying that I had a strange vocabulary.. and that he couldn't understand half the things I was saying... ok... My impression could change- firsts don't always hold with me. It's the 2nd that becomes vital. Overall it was a pleasure to visit Nicole, Sharyko, Marshal, Jarren and Tennessee.

I had to force myself to nibble at a fluffy waffle so I didn't seem too off or different.
I didn't want it though. The smell of bacon and sausage set my stomache on a rollercoaster ride. I tried hard not to dry heave. And succeeded.
But I finished it, and sculled the orange juice that they poured for me.

Cleaning up was the favorable event because I felt industrious, and then afterwards we settled on the blue scratchy couches and shared our "most embarrassing" or "horrific" date stories. Mine won, of course. I always win, and it's not something that I'm particularly proud of.

What can ya do though when you're life is one big fat embarrassing joke?

All ye can do is laugh my friends. At least they were entertained and giggling.
She noticed my weight loss. And instead of feeling pleased and happy about it I just felt self conscious and stupid. We talked about Alaska. She gave me my "late birthday" present which turned out to be a variety of colorful socks. I LOVE them!! And then it was time to get out of there before I started crying.


But I didn't cry.
I don't know what the problem was, just to much-I guess-for one interaction. So many intense emotions being shown by everyone. I felt high-strung and jittery the entire time, and mostly uninterested in all the topics of conversation. They want to view an Audrey Hepburn film this evening- of course I'm in. Movies are a good way to dull the aching feelings that I've been having about... just about everything, but mostly life. How does that narrow it down for ya? Ha!
So there's bound to be some more human interaction there. I guess it's time to begin purchasing all the things that I need for Alaska- like my plane ticket, and those black pants and "dockers". Freakin' dockers.. loath those shoes. And then I need to contact Marty about transportation from the airport because I sure as heck am not driving clear the freak up there.

I've been emailing Brooke. She's given me heaps of applicable and helpful advice and I see adjustments that I could make in the changes that I'm striving for. The main concept is still there but I can see what she means about being "flexible" and "available".

Almost had a heart attack last night. That number showed up on my phone. Scott. I knew it was him because I-unfortunately- have his number memorized. Wasn't certain whether or not to respond because I'm pretty sure it was a drunk text. Brookes words came floating back into my mind. I responded but kept things short and to the point. [ I still have no idea what that point was.] I'm sure he doesn't expect anything but that anyways. Good work Chels! Ugh.

It worked! He soon left me alone.
I keep telling myself it's for the best, and I know that it will be... one day.