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Warning: This is a vent entry.
And it's going to sound pathetically emo- but I figure it I get it out of system, written down somewhere {anywhere} then it will be OUT of ME. And therefore I will no longer feel like an emotional sack of stupid.

You're dragging me down, and filling me {consistently} with self doubt. {there's hardly anything I hate worse then not feeling good enough for others, because it makes me feel hardly good enough for myself. And I don't care what people say about how no one can control how you feel. I do NOT believe that is the case all the time. And I don't think that's any "weakness" on my part.}
Wanting you to be... wanting me. That's not the way it should be.
I can only do so much. Why does it always come to this- me putting more in the everyone else? More then you? More than all the others?

I can be patient.
I CAN.

I can be reasonable.
I AM.

I can be me.
And that's it.

I am trying so hard not to be bitter, or to feel resentful, or to have a ridiculous little pity party for myself because THAT'S something that I DON'T believe in. I'm just ready for the part where things go right for a change. Where I don't have to struggle, and fight, and stumble and fall over and over and over. I'm ready for the part where things in this particular area in my life get better. I'm doing my best. I'm trying to do what's right. I'm working so hard to become the woman that I know I can be, and I feel like I get closer every day. I realize it's not suppose to be easy, and that there are going to be trials and all manner of tribulation. I realize that life isn't ever going to go the way that I really want it to. That's not what I'm upset about. I get that. I'm not stupid. I'm not ignorant or blind. I UNDERSTAND.

I just felt so much like things were looking up for me. Like something good was about to happen. And I thought that YOU were it. And every day that goes by- and the same old stupid trash is going on- that faith is slowly diminished. I'm not trying to let my faith slip when it comes to this circumstance. I'm not trying to be an emotional sack of stupid. I want to be strong, just like all of my life examples. And I can wait... I really can. But that doesn't mean that I'm not going to be confused.

I'm frustrated.
And crying.
And upset with myself for being so "weak", when all I was trying to do was to be strong.
And I hate that by writing this I feel like a failure.

I really am happy.
I happy with what I'm doing.
What I'm trying to do.
It's so hard to act instead of RE-act.


I want this one thing so badly that I physically ache when I think about it. When I talk about. When I write about it. It's one BIG thing I realize.. but... I just thought that this time....

Well I thought wrong.

I know what comes next.
The barriers will be rebuilt.
The walls reconstructed.
The pickets and wire replaced with brick and stone.
And I'll move on.

Again.

And now for the rational side of Chelsea {I call her Dot}

Chelsea, you have the power to do anything and everything that you want. You're not stupid, you're not getting your signals mixed up- that's just part of being a participant in human relationships. Something like this was bound to happen, and deep down inside you knew that. You just didn't prepare the way that you knew you should have. It's never a smooth ride, you KNOW there were bound to be bumps and jolts. Get it together babe, and whatever you do... don't fall of the ride because you have worked incredibly hard the past 2 years to accomplish what you have. Don't- whatever you do- even think about throwing that away.

And ya know what? It's ok because it happens to the best of us. As far as not being happy- that IS your own fault if you let it take over your esteem. Keep on going. You can do this. Rely on the things that you know to be true- like how you really feel about your life. And if that doesn't work as well as it normally does go back to the basics. They are always there, and they are the "basics" for a reason. Pray with all your heart for comfort, strength, and guidance because you know there is someone listening. Study your scriptures, you are constantly finding answers within that revered book- it has never failed you. And stay active in the gospel- tomorrow you're going to the temple for the first time about 8 years. And it's going to be an amazing experience because you're going with the people that have helped you get to where you are now.
They love you. And you love them. And what you're doing is good.

Don't let this small mishap change the course of your path, or hurt your faith. It will be but a small moment, and it WILL pass just like everything else. "Everything will be ok". You know that's true- and it is ok.

Now get back on the tracks, dust yourself off and keep climbing.