73

This is going to be a funny entry- but only in the irony. This evening I went to the fireside and listened to Elder Bednar speak about seeing "Things The Way They Really Are". If that wasn't my first slap in the face, maybe it was the fact that I saw Max walking across the dampened lawn to the building and he didn't even bother saving me a seat. And then I had to sit by Mike. I SCOTI'd {slightly chuckled on the inside} and how awkward the situation was for me, but not the other 2.

I'm at a loss of words as to how to approach the situation.
One of my friends status's says "If it's right, don't hesitate". I'm hesitating because I don't know what IS right, and what is what I think is right. Even if I could make that make sense, it wouldn't.


The point is he spoke about technological advances- the pros and cons. He talked about setting limits and never letting "digital dominate". It reminds of "Wall-E". How they're all up in space shooting their lazy fat butts around on 'flying carpets'. And then at the end of the movie how everything is shut off.. and the lovely pudgy couple look each other in the eyes and fall in love.
That's pretty extreme.. or not so extreme.

He gaves 2 examples of people out of I'm sure hundreds that let "digital dominate". One lady had a relationship online with a man she'd never seen before. She wrote about how she no longer had hair, or a body but that she was reduced to cyber words and virtual reality. Another was of a man who played 2nd Life { the only reason I know what that is, is because of the Office- which makes the irony thicken considerably}- he sits at his computer for 10-14 hours a day {and for who knows how many years} playing an avatar and just recently asked his cyber girlfriend to be his wife- his REAL wife wasn't impressed.

He talked about becoming desensitized and about how Satan uses to tactics to make us trip up:
Misusing our bodies, and minimizing our bodies. He hinted at extreme sports and video games, television and music and how we really do need to be aware of how consumed our lives can become in social networking, instant messaging, texting, and all other types of technology that pry us away from actualy emotional relationships and tie us instead to meaningless pursuits.

It was a lesson to be learned.
And I'm glad that I went.

The last couple days have been challenging, for reasons that I can't necessarily explain. Stake conference has been going on and every meeting I sit down I can barely contain the rage that suddenly fills me. I almost walked out yesterday morning as Elder Nelson from the 12 addressed my smallish branch. It was terrible. Came home and cried my eyes out because I have no idea what's going on anymore. I tried to analyze my day- to see if there was something that happened that perhaps the delayed anger could have come from. There was nothing.
And then nothing has been happening with Max. All of a sudden the surety that I felt the last couple weeks has ebbed away and now I just feel stupid and undesirable. He doesn't even try to let me be his friend. Something's going on there that I can't put my finger on.

I thought that the changes in my life would result in better things coming in. But the storm keeps raging and I'm trying to hard to allow myself to be calmed instead. It's hard work, and forcing myself to do things that I'm not feeling like doing is rough. But I guess that's what it comes down to- my life and the service that I want to give to the Lord sometimes results in doing things that I may just NOT want to do. And I should do it with a grateful heart.

It amazes me how never ending this journey is. How easy it can be, and then how in a blink of an eye everything can be ripped away and out from under your feet. And yet we're still supposed to ENJOY to the end. For me, it's all about rememberance, which is funny because it's the easiest thing to forget.

So I'm setting some new goals.

This week I AM going to make it to the Temple, because I've been waiting 2 years to finally go and it's time to set a date and get my behind in there.
I'm going to limit the time I spend on the internet { this will happen gradually}
I'm going to pursue meaningful things, and start looking at things the way they really are, and how they will be.
And I'm going to live my life, the way it is and where I am to the best and most productive means that I can manage.
I don't really know what that means, but I hope that with pray and guidance I'll be able to find that path and begin to progress.

"the future is only as bright as our faith"
So true.