___________________
Alright. This is being continued, {Please applaud for the obvious} but in a very different way then what even I expected.
I went for a drive tonight through the Valley. It's beautiful of course, with all it's scenic viewpoints, the temple standing tall upon the hill, dark clouds rolling in from the north and a pleasant breeze cooling off the earth. Traffic was light and the car ran smoothly. I stared out the open window and found myself pondering the past. It happens frequently, but this time {just like every time} I gleaned something different from it.
My mind wandered back to High School. There aren't any fond memories of the schooling part. And I've done my best to leave behind and forget....everything. However, I can remember some humorous moments with my friends, but for the most part the swim team shaped my life and defined who I was. I'm not saying it was a bad thing. I learned confidence, how to work as a team, how to be an effective friend, how to forgive and love others- but more importantly- to do those very things for myself. I made friends within that circle that will last a lifetime.
If I could go back and change things, of course I would. But I wouldn't change any of the things that I previously mentioned.
It's taken a long time to come to the conclusion that I'm about to unveil. To myself.
I'm so alone. Not in the sense that I don't have friends or family. I have plenty of that, and I find so my joy within them. All of my tip-top experiences bud from them. But I'm alone regarding my personality, my wants and desires, dreams and goals. I wish that instead of allowing swimming decide for me who my friends would be- and who wouldn't- that I would have gone out of my way to find chums that truly enjoyed doing similar things that I do. People that had familiar interests outside of the athletic world that we were all absorbed in- because upon analyzing this I've realized that I had countless ideas and theories about how my life would be post graduation.
I had this picture canvased in my mind of me and my comrades traveling the globe, moving out and going to college, dating, working, etc.
And upon reflection I've done most, if not all of those things on my own.
No one really DOES want to travel with me {of my friends}- the # of times that people have bailed out, or not taken seriously my dreams proves that quite unfortunately. Especially Sarah Lynne. And that's hard because I feel like I've supported and pushed her to do everything that she's ever wanted to. I've tried so hard to not let her feel limited, or out of reach of.. anything.
I wanted that. For me.
{Guido, I miss you so much that I could cry. I am. Why did you have to go? The plastic bag has been slowly creeping back over my face since you left and I don't feel as though my potential is limitless anymore. I need to have more faith. I need to rely more upon my Lord and Savior- but you were so good for me. And I just want to thank you for always making me feel like I could do ANYTHING. I love you}
I'm not mad, but I do have to write down that I'm sad faced. That things haven't gone for me the way that I planned. Again, I'm not upset about how things have unfolded. Turns out I needed those travel experiences to prove certain things to me. I took that job because it was right for ME to take it. I do the things I do because I ENJOY them. But all those experiences were extremely lonely times for me. Wandering the streets of Italy and Sicily with no one to share it with. Going to Guatemala and being isolated in my passion for it. To this day I haven't found anyone that understands me when I talk about what was going through my head, how I felt so empowered, yet so enraged. And how I was able to keep my cool, when so many other things were falling to pieces. My relationship with Guido. Nothing can touch that, and therefore I have no one to converse with me about that kind of love, the heartache, the closeness, the distance. Because I experienced that alone. He wasn't a part of my CV friends. He was a part of me. And me alone. My family couldn't even understand, as much as I'm sure they wanted to. I would have died for him. It was [[heaven]], but now that it's over... I'm alone in that as well. Because no one I know has ever known what true love feels like- even if it's not the best. I'm not sad that it's over, I'm merely happy that it happened. The thing about it was that he taught me to live with no regrets- so I did. With him. And that's why this was so easy. Because there was nothing else I could do, because I'd already done it all. It's my best experience. In my life.
When I went to Arizona- the loneliest couple months of my life- because no one could relate to me at home, and then no one could do that for me at JLI. I don't regret any of it- but I never found anyone {Except Meggae Reggae} that I could.. be understood by. Completley, and without flaw.
And then I came home and no one understood what it was like to be away from home for so long, living with 30 girls and crazy managers. And they didn't understand how I changed.
After that came Australia- and no one I know, understands how it feels to have no family. Here. No cousins, or grandparents, aunts, uncles, neices, nephews, nothing. We are cut off. And my Uncle doesn't even write to me anymore. Having no family has been so hard. Only recently. And with Jasmin in Texas, and Toby in North Carolina I don't even have a good connection with my immediate family.
Thailand. It won't matter how detailed I explain that trip- no one will have that experience. And no one will be able to relate. To be the only one of your religion, to have to defend your beliefs, and not only that but your country (??), while serving in a foreign country. It was a struggle in a way that I still don't understand. And it wasn't as good a trip as Guatemala and I don't understand why. Because there were problems there also, but I was to detached from them to care.
I'm making it sound horrible. It's not, just nothing has gone the way that I truly thought it would. And I wonder what would have changed if I'd found people that more clearly puzzle pieced my personality, people that the bond went further then swim team. I love & adore the friends that I have, and the family that I have- maybe it was my fault, or maybe it was everyone elses, but I think I know that it was both.
And there's nothing I can do about the way things have played out except acknowledge the struggles, the lessons that I gleaned from them, and keep going with my life.
I feel so held back unceasingly, but when I break free I'm filled with loneliness that I can't change. The friends that I have won't change- it's personalities. You get it. But I guess I can change myself to more suit my personality, which will in turn lead me to those that have a better grasp, understanding, and love for me that I want to believe I deserve.
I felt sad for all the times that no one thought I could anything. For all the times that everyone scoffed, or planned and bailed. Flaked, fled, refused, cut off at the knees. But I'm glad for all the things that no one held me back from despite ALL of that. My travels, schooling, relationships, pursuits, dreams, hobbies, and aspirations, etc.
But I'm happy that I realized this, and that because of it I can make the most of the rest of my life. And what a wonderful life I plan on making it! :D
This is a glass winged butterfly- in case anyone wanted to know.
Alright. This is being continued, {Please applaud for the obvious} but in a very different way then what even I expected.
I went for a drive tonight through the Valley. It's beautiful of course, with all it's scenic viewpoints, the temple standing tall upon the hill, dark clouds rolling in from the north and a pleasant breeze cooling off the earth. Traffic was light and the car ran smoothly. I stared out the open window and found myself pondering the past. It happens frequently, but this time {just like every time} I gleaned something different from it.
My mind wandered back to High School. There aren't any fond memories of the schooling part. And I've done my best to leave behind and forget....everything. However, I can remember some humorous moments with my friends, but for the most part the swim team shaped my life and defined who I was. I'm not saying it was a bad thing. I learned confidence, how to work as a team, how to be an effective friend, how to forgive and love others- but more importantly- to do those very things for myself. I made friends within that circle that will last a lifetime.
If I could go back and change things, of course I would. But I wouldn't change any of the things that I previously mentioned.
It's taken a long time to come to the conclusion that I'm about to unveil. To myself.
I'm so alone. Not in the sense that I don't have friends or family. I have plenty of that, and I find so my joy within them. All of my tip-top experiences bud from them. But I'm alone regarding my personality, my wants and desires, dreams and goals. I wish that instead of allowing swimming decide for me who my friends would be- and who wouldn't- that I would have gone out of my way to find chums that truly enjoyed doing similar things that I do. People that had familiar interests outside of the athletic world that we were all absorbed in- because upon analyzing this I've realized that I had countless ideas and theories about how my life would be post graduation.
I had this picture canvased in my mind of me and my comrades traveling the globe, moving out and going to college, dating, working, etc.
And upon reflection I've done most, if not all of those things on my own.
No one really DOES want to travel with me {of my friends}- the # of times that people have bailed out, or not taken seriously my dreams proves that quite unfortunately. Especially Sarah Lynne. And that's hard because I feel like I've supported and pushed her to do everything that she's ever wanted to. I've tried so hard to not let her feel limited, or out of reach of.. anything.
I wanted that. For me.
{Guido, I miss you so much that I could cry. I am. Why did you have to go? The plastic bag has been slowly creeping back over my face since you left and I don't feel as though my potential is limitless anymore. I need to have more faith. I need to rely more upon my Lord and Savior- but you were so good for me. And I just want to thank you for always making me feel like I could do ANYTHING. I love you}
I'm not mad, but I do have to write down that I'm sad faced. That things haven't gone for me the way that I planned. Again, I'm not upset about how things have unfolded. Turns out I needed those travel experiences to prove certain things to me. I took that job because it was right for ME to take it. I do the things I do because I ENJOY them. But all those experiences were extremely lonely times for me. Wandering the streets of Italy and Sicily with no one to share it with. Going to Guatemala and being isolated in my passion for it. To this day I haven't found anyone that understands me when I talk about what was going through my head, how I felt so empowered, yet so enraged. And how I was able to keep my cool, when so many other things were falling to pieces. My relationship with Guido. Nothing can touch that, and therefore I have no one to converse with me about that kind of love, the heartache, the closeness, the distance. Because I experienced that alone. He wasn't a part of my CV friends. He was a part of me. And me alone. My family couldn't even understand, as much as I'm sure they wanted to. I would have died for him. It was [[heaven]], but now that it's over... I'm alone in that as well. Because no one I know has ever known what true love feels like- even if it's not the best. I'm not sad that it's over, I'm merely happy that it happened. The thing about it was that he taught me to live with no regrets- so I did. With him. And that's why this was so easy. Because there was nothing else I could do, because I'd already done it all. It's my best experience. In my life.
When I went to Arizona- the loneliest couple months of my life- because no one could relate to me at home, and then no one could do that for me at JLI. I don't regret any of it- but I never found anyone {Except Meggae Reggae} that I could.. be understood by. Completley, and without flaw.
And then I came home and no one understood what it was like to be away from home for so long, living with 30 girls and crazy managers. And they didn't understand how I changed.
After that came Australia- and no one I know, understands how it feels to have no family. Here. No cousins, or grandparents, aunts, uncles, neices, nephews, nothing. We are cut off. And my Uncle doesn't even write to me anymore. Having no family has been so hard. Only recently. And with Jasmin in Texas, and Toby in North Carolina I don't even have a good connection with my immediate family.
Thailand. It won't matter how detailed I explain that trip- no one will have that experience. And no one will be able to relate. To be the only one of your religion, to have to defend your beliefs, and not only that but your country (??), while serving in a foreign country. It was a struggle in a way that I still don't understand. And it wasn't as good a trip as Guatemala and I don't understand why. Because there were problems there also, but I was to detached from them to care.
I'm making it sound horrible. It's not, just nothing has gone the way that I truly thought it would. And I wonder what would have changed if I'd found people that more clearly puzzle pieced my personality, people that the bond went further then swim team. I love & adore the friends that I have, and the family that I have- maybe it was my fault, or maybe it was everyone elses, but I think I know that it was both.
And there's nothing I can do about the way things have played out except acknowledge the struggles, the lessons that I gleaned from them, and keep going with my life.
I feel so held back unceasingly, but when I break free I'm filled with loneliness that I can't change. The friends that I have won't change- it's personalities. You get it. But I guess I can change myself to more suit my personality, which will in turn lead me to those that have a better grasp, understanding, and love for me that I want to believe I deserve.
I felt sad for all the times that no one thought I could anything. For all the times that everyone scoffed, or planned and bailed. Flaked, fled, refused, cut off at the knees. But I'm glad for all the things that no one held me back from despite ALL of that. My travels, schooling, relationships, pursuits, dreams, hobbies, and aspirations, etc.
But I'm happy that I realized this, and that because of it I can make the most of the rest of my life. And what a wonderful life I plan on making it! :D
This is a glass winged butterfly- in case anyone wanted to know.
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