114

We went cliff jumping/tubing/picnic-ing at Porcupine Dam yesterday afternoon. It was a decent trip. We saw jumping fish, baby tadpoles, jelly worms, found a hoard of fish eggs and a rickety old rope swing. We also saw a water snake! Well. I did. Sarah was to busy shrieking and paddling her guts out to get away from it. I've never met anyone besides her and my mom that are actually, legitimately, afraid of the legless wonder. Pretty entertaining from my side.

The water was the perfect temperature, the sun was bright and brilliant and it felt good to just.. relax. Things have been so.. out of MY control lately. I'm not really talking about with friends and family- there's ALWAYS that. I just mean with me.

My sleeping pattern.
Eating habits.
Progression.
Relationships.
The works.


But things are looking up as my handle on things is getting better.
I have a confession to make. I've been seeing this guy. Manny (pronounced Maunny, because he's French). And he's shown more patience and kindness to me than anyone ever has. And heaps more than I deserve in my unreliable, flighty, and indignant self. It's flattering, and it feels nice to be admired. He wants to take things more seriously. He's ready to find someone to marry and he thinks it's going to be me. And in my head I can see things going that way. I really can. I find myself missing him randomly, or just.. wanting to get to know him better which is all fine and normal... He's the first black man I've really tried being in a relationship with.
And honestly. It scares me.

I don't know how to explain it. I'm not racist. I'm 1/2 African as well. Of course I don't look it, or talk like it. I'm not cultured in that way. When it comes to my culture I'm as white mormon girl as someone can get... and there in lies the problem. I know that I'm taking this way to far, for a relationship that is only just now budding.
I've thought alot about the life I want to live- but even more so about the lives I want my children to live. And I don't want them to have the same experiences I did, regarding my race. I don't want black children, because I know how it was for me growing up... and I don't want them to go through anything like that. Of course if I did end up with them, what would stop be from loving them? Nothing. And I feel terrible bringing this thought up, but I've been thinking about it alot and it was time to write it down somewhere so I could...see better.

Things have gotten better, and I'm not saying that they would be hated, or spat on, or any of things that took place in my growing up here. But it's a possibility... and another honest truth? I've never imagined myself marrying anything but a white man. It's never even crossed my mind that I would ever even... date a black guy. It all sounds racist I'm sure.. but I'm not. That wouldn't make any sense.

My point is:
I don't want to get serious with anyone right now. Things just became to heinous the last time I entered into a relationship. It's all a game. And I'm done playing. That sounds petty, and possibly just STUPID. I know tons of people that love to play "the" game! It's fun and exhilerating. It's a challenge, etc etc etc. I just don't care. I don't like the game. I never have. I can't remember who first told me that dating was fun, but time and experience hasn't made that statement ring true for me. And it could be my own fault. What do I know about what experiences I've made awful for myself, as opposed to the ones that were that way before I even.. knew?
I'm afraid and uncomfortable in this relationship because of where it could lead in the future.
I'm also really starting to appreciate him- which scares me even more.


I don't want this. But it's almost like I don't even have a choice. As though.... I'm being pushed into him because he's into me... If that makes sense. It doesn't feel fair, and I don't feel like I have control over the situation which throws me even more. Don't I get a say in anything anymore?


Dah!

In other, less interesting news, Sarah and I went to see Harry Potter last night. And I enjoyed it quite thoroughly. The music is so different every time it blows my mind. And I thought that they got all the key points across which makes me even more thrilled for the finale. Also I made Australian shaped sugar cookies last night which were delicious if I do say so myself. I chatted with Sabina, and I'm supposed to go down to Provo to spend time with Meggae this weekend. I'm scheduled to work, even though I asked for it off. And I DID have if off but they just change it constantly. I already made these plans though and I've been unreliable to many times. It's not that I make things up and just don't go through with it. I know it comes across that way, but how am I supposed how MY life is to someone that.... doesn't have the same situations I do. Difficult.

I'm feeling sick, and like my neck as whiplash. It's because of the swim meet. I didn't get enough sleep and my daddy is FINALLY home. And I never have any time to spend with him, and we still haven't figured out everything with school and moving out. Also, he works this afternoon. Tori's down because of her car accident and David can't come today to watch Isaac while my mom goes to the doctor. It wouldn't be a big deal but my niece & nephew are here and Talisa has to work. So who does that leave with all the responsibility to make them meals, keep the house from total destruction, and run the show for the weekend.

Me.


But to anyone else outside the situation it just sounds like... blah blah blah I'm unreliable and I lied the whole time about coming down, blah blah blah, flaker, bailer, unresponsible, and inconsiderate blah blah blah.


I guess I can't really change that.