Thursday, July 30, 2009


And so.
I suppose it's time to BU&GU ( buck up & grow up). I guess anyways.

It's not that I think I've been irresponsible with the last year and a half of my life. Or that I think I wasted my time doing all the things I've dreamed of. Or that I regret any of it because that day simply won't appear. This last year has taught me more about life, and the person I want to be then I could possibly explain to anyone.

But I just feel different.
Because I chose to go a different way, and I don't see things the way that everyone else does. And when I say "everyone else".. I'm referring to the .01% of people I know living on planet Earth [maybe less]. I've never enjoyed the school environment, but I love the learning. I took a year off to do some self discovery, earn some money, travel, and serve. And now I'm back, black, and ready to get on "track". And when I say "track" I mean.. getting back to what everyone else does, or expects me to do.

And I hate feeling that way... like going to school isn't something that I particularly want to do, but feeling pressured to because Daddy is cheering hard for it. He's even willing to pay for this next year. so I know how desperate he must be to see me "doing something" with my life. But I don't feel like I haven't been doing anything.

I've been doing tons of stuff, and it all relates back to what I would WANT to do if I really thought I WANTED a career. But as far as I can tell, my track record shoes that I don't stay with job for longer that 6 months because I get bored and restless. So what good is trying to have a career going to do for me if I can't even sit still?

Someone answer that for me!! NOW!!

But whatever, maybe it's just because it's been so long since I had to think about school and all the shinanigins that goes along with it. Money, studying, tests, grades, finals. Ew. Maybe if I could study the things that I WANT to study.. I guess I should start designing my own major, because that's the only way I'm going to get through this. Time to set an appt with awesome Robert in Natural Resources.

I have a year and a 1/2 left. Which is shorter than I thought and then I'll be done. But what then? Jan told me that I'll never have the time or motiviation to go to school like I do now, and that it will be so much harder to try and go back later on in life. I agree. But I can say the same thing about traveling, and doing all the things that I really want to do right now. No time will ever be as convenient as it is right now. I'm not married, and I don't have kids (except my fleet in the basement), I'm not enrolled in any kind of program and I don't have any other pressing obligations that could tie me down in the future. Now would be the perfect time to get all THAT out of my system to.

It's a tough decision.
I don't want people to think I'm a dead beat.
But I also don't want to be one of those people that never does anything with her life and doesn't realize it until she's cleaning her kids vomit, or trying to make dinner for the hubby when he gets home, or having to pay outragious mortgages, car insurance and all that other TRASH... that she doesn't really want to do.

Ok. I'm exaggerating.
And I'm being really sarcastic and harsh.

But I just don't want what everyone else wants I guess.
I don't see things the way that my daddy does.
I value education, I think highly of those that go to great lengths to get degrees, and internships, and whatever else. I really do. I envy them. I get jealous. I stand all amazed.

Its true.

But sometimes I just... don't feel like THAT is exactly for me. Maybe Uni.. just isn't for me, but something like a trade school could be? I have no idea. How many types of ways to get an education are there? And are there any that would sincerely interest me? I have no idea. And I suppose I should start looking.

I can't tell if I'm just being immature, or if what I feel is actually legit.

Either way. It doesn't matter, because I'm registered and daddy is buying my books as I speak. Not that I asked him to, he just is because I think he's afraid I'm going to back out. There's no turning back as far as this semester is concerned, and I'll give it my best shot and try to make the most of it. But I just can't promise anything because my last semester there I dropped out because I was burned out, and sicked out.

I know what HE'D say. He'd say go to school, but he's not here to make me feel like I could be successful. Which is super pathetic on my part... but I'm just not confident at school.

Time to find some courage.
Tally ho!

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