Monday, June 7, 2010


It's late.
Alright, not really any later than usual but I didn't sleep much last night.
{{It was worth it.}}

So there's been something weighing on my mind. It all had to do with a good friend of mine and a horrific situation he found himself in. It was his fault, he brought it on himself but that doesn't mean that I enjoyed watching him suffer and be stepped all over. Anyone that knows me understands that I have a fierce and sometimes ridiculous loyalty to my friends and family. I'd do anything for them-including taking bullets-but I never wanted it to translate into "I'd do anything for them, even deliberately go against certain things I've been taught" Things that I've tried really hard to make a permanent part of who I am- and all the things that I want to strive to stand for.

But I messed up.
It happens, and while I KNOW and he knows that my intentions were good, the logic was wrong and I should have found a better way to explain my thought process to him without cutting corners to make things "easier". Because it only made those things that much more painful.

So this happened.
I messed up.
And his situation DID in fact get much better, and he got rid of the things that were bringing him down. And I feel good about that, but I've been trying for a couple days to tell him that I wasn't 100% honest about some things ( that's a nice way of saying that I lied-exaggerated the truth- about certain events and actions of a person)

It was Sunday night. I got home after talking with ANOTHER friend and once home realized that from that conversation this thing that I'd done was leaking into other relationships and harming them. I wrote some thoughts down in my journal.

I don't know how it goes for everyone else but there comes a time now and then where.. I don't just hop off the band wagon and spiral down- but I fly off that sucker like being lame is going out of style and do a jig. Ridiculous. So I decided to make a list of all the things I needed to sort through to get me back to a place of self respect and love, of honesty and peace.

Things on the list ranged from changing certain personality characteristics to mending relationships and apologizing for rash actions.
This one in particular ( the above mentioned) was the one bringing me really down.
So I lay in bed and typed out a text message to just get my thoughts out and all the things I wanted to say to this person. After reading it over ( the 22 texts) I sent him one ( it's about 2 am) saying that I needed to talk to him about some things and that I would text or call him the following morning.

Sending that, I lay down and cried my eyes out, knowing that what I was about to do.. confess, could leave me with a gaping soul hole because I would have deserved losing this persons friendship. While weeping I felt the adversary starting to work on me. I suddenly thought that I couldn't do. I just couldn't tell him what I'd done because I was so afraid.

What happened next was a testimony to me of how much the Lord wants us to utilize the atonement in our lives and fix the things that have been broken.

It was about 3 in the morning by this point.
And he told me he wanted to know what was going on.

It took me awhile to get composed and then to spill my sorry, pathetic guts to him. I've never cried to or in front of him- so that was hard feeling so vulnerable and exposing that part of myself to him but...
...he made things easy when he stopped me 1/2 way through and told me that he knew all along that I hadn't been being entirely honest, but that he also knew that I would come around and tell him, and that he knew my intentions were good. And that he knew that without the exaggerated truth he never would have had the courage to take care of HIS business. It's very backwards.

I'm glad he forgave me so willingly but it took me off guard.
And I'm glad he called because I couldn't have done it in the end and it was essential to get this burden off my shoulders. And the Lord gave me the opportunity to clear my conscious.

Since that has been lifted off my face, the energy that I've absorbed from no longer having that burden on me has given me the strength to face other things on that list. And I'm glad to say that some of those things have been resolved between early this morning and now- and it feels good.

I am continually amazed by how well the Lord knows me.
His gospel gives me many things- reason and purpose, understanding and hope- but more importantly to me at this particular time in my life it gives me identity; a place in this world where it's so easy to feel lost of forgotten. And I'm grateful for that!


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