So I really just feel like I'm supposed to be there.
But I also don't know what I can do to speed up the process to get things in place.
OH MY GOSH. I just feel like I'm about to explode. But only sometimes.
There are long moments of peace, and comfort, and I feel like I KNOW that where I'm at... it's not the most exciting, it doesn't feel the most productive, I'm not entirely happy, but I'm not sad or upset about anything either.. I just feel like.. I'm here. And during those long moments where I'm okay with that- I'm okay with that.
But then there are moments like tonight where.. I'm going out, spending time with people, laughing, getting a chance to learn things about other people and to share little things about myself. I'm being social and engaging in things that make me feel I dunno, different- and it's just NOT enough. I don't understand why everything at this point just feels so meaningless. Why there's absolutely no passion in anything that I'm doing. Why I just can't care about things the way I used to, really laugh, genuinely feel ... anything.
I don't know what's wrong.
And that's just it. I hate feeling like there's something wrong with me.
So things are the most exciting... but I just feel like... I'm stuck.
I'm trying to shake things up. I'm trying to do things differently. I'm trying to define who I am and stand for things that I believe in but I'm just not getting anywhere. And I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do with the little energy that I do have.
I feel invisible.