Sunday, October 24, 2010


Warning: this will probably be an extensive and tangled post. But I'll do my best.

I was charged with an interesting question the other night. We* were soliliquizing (you have NO idea how long I've wanted to use that word!) about guys and our varied situations and she asked me how I knew for sure what I wanted. Honestly? I was a little startled. And perplexed. It's not that I think everyone really knows what they want.. but don't we all know what we DON'T want? Then I realized that wasn't sincere. Well, it wasn't really genuine of me-until now, and in this particular area. AND I still have a heap to learn.

I think most of us KNOW what we want, but maybe don't know best what we need.
And I believe there in, probably lies the difference.

The inquiry sent me reeling back to 2007 when I up and left for a solo backpacking trip to Sicily and Italy. Yeah, that's right. One of the best decisions I ever and HAVE ever made was to embark on that globe trot. Not understanding why I had the prowess to do it, why I felt so inviolable and self assured about going because the last thing I deserved was any form of protection; any kind of blessing while I traveled-alone, I left. Driven by wanderlust and a need to do some self discovery. At the time, I wasn't doing well (and this is my own opinion). I didn't have the best relationship with my Father. My spiritually was lacking. How I wound up down that dark twisted path is it's own story- and it's not part of this one. {But the point is-I wasn't doing well.}

I knew that I wasn't. And I didn't do anything about it. It was my fault.

While hopscotching around, through the serene and vibrant alleys of Venice I stumbled into a situation. The details don't matter but the intensity and severity of the situation does. I can honestly say that this situation is the most frightening, I've ever been in. My life was about to be mutilated. I prayed. 4.silent.desperate.last.hope.words. And I was rescued. It was a miracle. I'd probably witnessed many miracles before that but perhaps hadn't bothered to acknowledge them? This was the first time I really recognized one in my life personally. To say that it wasn't a miracle would damn me.

After that it was miracle after miracle after miracle to get me where I am today. And there in lies my feelings at the beginning. Remember how I didn't know why I felt so.. sure about leaving? I was SUPPOSED to go. I was SUPPOSED to be put in that situation. And in order to do so I had to feel safe. [That wasn't me.] That was heaven looking out for me. I'm not saying it was an easy ride, and that everything was okay after that. It wasn't really. And there are gaping soul holes from that experience that I'll have forever. I'm someone that has to learn the hard way. And I do. That's the part that matters. That I learn. And then apply. I may not always be intelligent enough to just.. skip the messy parts, or stop myself from falling short, or whatever but I fall down and then I won't forget the lesson that was intended.

I often think about this experience, and consider myself lucky. Not everyone has or needs a huge wake-up-call event happen in their life to push them to limits to see what they really know and what they really know they need. Other people don't require that. And my hat off to them.

But what I know for me is that at that moment in my life, where there was no one that could help me within a close range, where I had no idea where I was in that maze of alleyways and canals, when my life was about to be destroyed, I fell back on truths I know, deep down- that there IS someone looking out for me, who loves me and who will RUN to me if I just take one small step. I can't ever go back to the way I was. I can't EVER settle. I can't ever pretend like the things of my faith don't matter, because they matter more than anything else in this entire world and beyond. And I can't ever let the things that I know I need personally, fade from my mind.

I learn more about the things I need on a daily basis.

Because my conversation with this friend was mostly focused on dating, I wanted to touch on that.
In the dating arena I haven't had the best luck. I trust easily. I let people in. I give. It's just part of who I am. And it's not just in that arena. I know the things that I'm good at. And I'm good at this. It's also been used against me so many times and in so many different ways.

I guess it comes down to my experiences.
And more importantly the way I've learned to recognize the way the spirit works in my life. It's taken me a long time to understand how he communicates with me personally. There's a very distinct pattern that I must follow in my life to receive the guidance and clarity I need in complicated situations. I'm now to a point where it's very clear for me to see what's black and white. What's good and what isn't. I know what I need and what I don't. I've asked for that distinction to be more embedded into my person and will continue to pray for that.

When it comes to guys, because of my experiences and the spirit I do know EXACTLY what I need, in this particular area. But it's more than that. I know that I'm not ever going to deviate from that. I've seen and felt the consequences of doing that. And if I do what I'm supposed to do I'll find what I know I need eventually :D

If you want to have control of your life you need to develop a pattern to the way you LIVE your life. One that works, one that you understand, one that helps you grow. I say that like it's easy. Perhaps there are people out there that never figure that out, maybe it's something that comes and goes as things change outside of your life, maybe it's something that you have to relearn over and over again- but I believe in learning to understand the spirit-in the way you personally recognize it.

To do that?
You ask the Lord to teach you how to understand the spirit and go from there. You ask for understanding as to what you need. I think it's also important to ask to be able to understand your self worth. It's the only way I've come to know that there ARE things that I deserve if I stay true and worthy of them. And knowing what your worthy of helps you to reach for something higher.


1 comment:

  1. It was a random question, but I'm a random person with lots of random things spinning in my mind... I'm so glad you took it to heart. Because it's a loaded question, and with lots and lots of possible answers... right or wrong. What's what? Confusion! But your response was amazing. Your perspective on how you know what you DON'T want. That's huge. Not just about dating, but in LIFE.....!