Thursday, December 9, 2010


So I don't know.
Ever since I called in and deferred my position until after finals I've felt really terrible about it. I can't figure out if it's because I'm supposed to get going on it, or if it's because I know I'll have a hard time with it if I take it, and both options bother me. I don't want to hate my life the way I did the last time I had a job like this( the money though, wow), but I also don't want my fear of not enjoying every second of my life to stop me from being more independent and capable and successful.

I'm not having much success. And a lot of that is because most times I don't feel like I can.
We talked about that the other day.

There's few areas in my life I feel I'm succeeding at. School is a bust-math classes holding me back, me being afraid to even look at the material because I haven't had any kind of success in that area since grade school, I've been jobless since the summer- and mostly that's because I feel I'm not qualified or skilled enough for the jobs that I want so I don't even bother applying ( I'm not counting my day job for my parents), zero progress in the dating arena- and I know that's because I have some situations to sort out and I'm struggling to create a brand new world with a brand new me in it. The friendships that I've held onto for YEARS are now slipping out of my grasp, and I can't find the strength to try and salvage them because 1) I know they're supposed to end as much as I loath that idea and 2) I've realized how much of a nurturer I am. And 1)I can't take care of everyone. And 2) I know that these empty spaces are supposed to be filled with new friends. And I don't know how to accept that when all I want to do is make everything okay for everyone and be a safe harbor for people to come to. I even find myself feeling as though I'm failing in my church callings. Less and less people show up for FHE and I'm doing my best to make it enjoyable, spiritual, and a place for people to get to know each other but no one's interested no matter how hard Brian and I try ( I realize things are just starting, but I'm out of ideas of how to get people there), there's so many people to serve and I know I only am informed on a small margin of those. My own personal health isn't where it should be. And I haven't been going to the gym until recently ( because I freaked out about it) because I was afraid of what Patrick would say if he knew what was going on. And my eating hasn't been choice because it seems like no matter how hard I work I'll never look quite the way I want to ( and seriously, I don't have this unrealistic picture in my head-it's completely legit and I should be able to get there).

That's alot. In my head.
And I'm not meaning for this to be a vent fest but these are all the things fogging up my brain and it's frustrating when I know that for the most part- I've been and am doing good things. Not like I deserve anything, but when you try hard, and you try hard all the time, and you fail to see results- it's also hard not to doubt yourself.

I'm not doing enough am I?
Or there's a part of my life that I need to fix?
Is it one particular thing that's restraining me, or is it a variety of things?
Maybe I'm really not a good person?
Am I just prideful?
Suppose I'm not giving myself enough credit?
Is the problem that I need an attitude adjustment?
Perhaps things really are hard and it's just a part of life, and part of THAT is just getting on with everything and trusting the Lord in the plan he has for me and however THIS particular passage of time is a part of that?

Hundreds of things.
Singular or packaged together into little bundles.

There are many good things.
My amazing family that puts up with all the crazy.
These callings, difficult as I find them at times, are exactly what I need. And even though I don't see it, I believe that I'm changing at least one person's life by trying my best at them- even if it is just me. I've started back on my programs at the gym, and I have a goal in mind that I'd like to reach by Christmas. I'm sleeping, which is great (even if it's drug induced), Christmas is coming which I'm very excited about, I finally took the letter to "his" house and we'll see if he responds- I've been looking for him for a very long time. I don't have to worry about getting some kind of activity together for FHE this coming week because it's combined and someone else is in charge. Tyler wrote me a letter, it was short but in that moment it was exactly what I needed and he has no idea how much that's helped me this entire week. A break from school is coming up, I've had the chance to talk to Jarren a lot more on FB. Heather comes home on the 18th and I can't wait to stay up late listening to all her crazy stories and filling her in on mine. After the break Erika is FINALLY going to teach me how to make bread. Snowing shoeing with Scott sometime. Temple Square trip on the 28th. Possibly seeing Meggae and hitting up the club- because we haven't done that in WAY to long, and it's always fun with her. Daddy has more temple names for me to do when I get a chance to get in there again. Zach is coming into town on the 28th/29th and we're going to hit up Cafe' Rio like old times.

There are many good things.

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