Monday, December 13, 2010


I've been having some really messed up dreams. I think it's because of the new meds. This was ridiculous. I was trying to sweep the floor on the first level of our house. There were these little small round spheres everywhere and it was driving me up the walls. I get the broom out and hop to it. But every time I make a sweep it just fills up faster with these same spheres rolling around everywhere.

Eventually the spheres were all jumping and buzzing around me like bees or flies. I tried running to ditch them, had the thought that I should go jump in the shower and then one went into my ear. That's about the time I woke up. jibbled.

Anyways, awoke around 4 o'clock in the morning feeling insanely frantic about EVERYTHING. "What am I going to do" Tossed and turned, couldn't fall back asleep. So I gave up, made some hot cider, went and got textbooks and such out of my car and then sat at the kitchen table glancing through newspaper adds trying to feel tired again.

Didn't work.
Mum woke up and tried talking to me about all the different jobs and things and everything else I could look into but NOTHING sounds good. I'm not remotely interested, but I also don't feel good just where I'm at. Dislike.

Eventually that talk upset me and I headed back up to bed. Made little headway on a study guide for PoliSci and then FINALLY fell back asleep.

Woke back up about 9am. Lay there for awhile enjoying the sunshine and the canines who were snuggling with me. Back to worrying. But this time is was more like worry/remembering. I think every awful thing I've ever done swarmed to the forefront of my mind. I have to keep telling myself that this isn't happening because I did something wrong and this is "punishment". I have to keep telling myself over and over again that those things are NOT who I am anymore. That I'm different. And even though all this is going on, I do NOT need to revert back to all those things.

Because I've been feeling broken and vulnerable, I've been trying to "fix" all the things that I can. Because of all the worry/remembering I've started to realize that...there are things that I haven't taken care of, that I should have at the time they occured ( or not MADE the situation in the first place). Or maybe I just haven't known HOW to fix things because I THINK they're supposed to stay broken. Situations need to be explained, pride set aside, respect shown where I didn't show any before. So far all the outcomes have been good.

Heather will be home in 5 days.
Can't WAIT!

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