Thursday, October 13, 2011

579

As I've sat down the last couple weeks to write about what I ACTUALLY want to write about, I've found it's been difficult to crack open this chapter of my life to the general public. Not that anyone really reads this anymore (which is fine), but just.. when they do-let's just say reactions to my current situation have been varying- from awesome to not.

It's time to drop the bomb. At least on this sucker. Not for anyone else but mostly because I've been advised to write about my situation to HELP me SEE my situation. This is perfect, because writing has always been a kind of therapy-and I definitely need some of that. :D
3-4 weeks ago my life turned upside down. Ok, not completely true. The truth is I've been ready for a big change for awhile. It's also true, however, that I didn't expect it to happen in the way it did-though perhaps I SHOULD have expected it. You'll understand.

The point is, it was late morning when I looked at the result window on the stick and saw this:

Pregnant


Honestly? My first thought was "fuck". Then I started laughing to myself because that's what got me in the situation in the first place. Then I felt disgusted because here I was in a non-ideal situation and was already cracking jokes with myself. Then I got scared and felt my whole world crumple into a million pieces. Then I fell in love with the embryo and realized I had to do everything I could to ensure it's safety-my life didn't matter anymore.

That's when I called my mom in near hysterics. Up until about 2 weeks ago things were a blur. Telling Cristian. Telling my parental units, then having to call up my siblings to let them in on the news. Telling my bishop. Insurance. Getting a doctor. Counseling with a lady from LDS Family Services. WIK. Prenatals. Some maternity clothes shopping. A few weeks later I started to tell a select few who I knew would be descreet about everything but eventually it was all going to come out. Like now for instance :D.

The guess is I'm 8 weeks. Which means my due date is May 26th. All of that will be affirmed or adjusted with my first visit to a doctor which is Nov 3rd. Crazy. They won't see you until you THINK you're at least 10 weeks along. I thought they'd see me right away.....interesting.

I think some questions people will have when reading this will be as follows:
What are you going to do about the baby?
Whose the baby's daddy?
What are you going to do about the baby's daddy?
And maybe just "what?"

So to answer question 1. My plan is to keep the baby. I'm not closing off other options and that's what the counseling is mostly for- to get research on all the options so I can make the best choice for me and the baby. So far my plan to keep it feels like a good one and I'll do everything I can to ensure that stays the right decision. It's really just one of those things that will have to be affirmed with time. For now, I'm keeping her (yes, we think it's a girl)

Question 2. Cristian. The boyfriend. The daddy. I've never written anything on this blog about him so you're going to get the whole story. I met Cristian back at the end of March beginning of April. I served him and his friend in the restaurant I was working at and when he left, he also left his number on a napkin for me to find. At the time I wasn't exclusive with anyone so I sent the number a text when I got off work and he called me a second later. We saw each other every day for the next 2 weeks. He's a year younger than me, Guatemalan though he moved here from Compton California, owns a mechanic shop, and is a professional race car driver. He graduated from Wyotech and wants to go back to school to do Bio Chemistry. He was persistent and when I decided to be exclusive with someone else he was fine with being friends. We still saw each other, though not romantically-but there was always tension. After breaking up with the person I WAS exclusive with in July I started dating him and things just took off. Yes, he's gorgeous (I'm working on getting a picture), but more than that I love that he can find a way to make me laugh even when I'm crying. He's intelligent and bright, his family was kind and welcoming, he was different and exciting and new. He thinks I'm the greatest thing to ever come into his life. We are opposites. So it makes sense that we kind of fell into each other very quickly. It also makes sense that there's been friction sometimes.

Question 3. Yes, we're still together though I tried to cut the ties several times because honestly? I thought it would be what he wanted but if anything he's done nothing but fight for me harder. He loves me. He did before any of this happened and I love him back but naturally just like any other couple we have our differences, and some of those differences are concerning to me if we plan on becoming a family (which is definitely his plan). The last couple weeks have been interesting as I've shared with him what would have to happen in order for me to marry him and he's stepped up admirably. He's stopped drinking and smoking, he finally got a real job and has full benefits on top of making good money, he met my family (they loved him-which was a surprise, and he loved them back-also a surprise), and he's been with my every step of the way through all of this. And there have been times where I've given him every reason to leave. Not intentionally but pregnant hormonal mood swings can be INSANE. He's put up with all of it and sees us growing old together with our little ones.

Last question: "What?"
Yes. I'm pregnant. It's not entirely real to me yet either. The first 2 weeks I FELT pregnant but as the weeks followed I've done nothing but lose my appetite and lose a lot of weight. I guess that's normally what happens, that's what people keep telling me but it's weird being pregnant but not FEELING like it. No morning sickness, no headaches, no weird cravings, nothing. The only significant difference in my body is that I'm noticeably more tired. I can't keep myself awake for longer that 4-5 hours at a time. It's hard for Cristian to wrap his head around it too though he's simply ecstatic about it, he can't wait to be a daddy. I think on the 3rd when we see the ultra-sound and that little one swimming around in there it will hit us for real. That's what I'm hoping for anyways. We've been through a lot the last couple weeks but we're both working on keeping our heads up and facing this situation full on. If this was going to happen, I'm lucky it happened with him. He's been a rockstar through it all and he's going to fight for me till' the very end.

We've been thinking about names- all girl names because we're convinced it's a "she". So far we've agreed on a few: Amara, Eve, and Violet (this was a surprise). I'm crossing my fingers for Violet. If in 12 weeks we find out it's a boy-not sure what we'll do. We haven't discussed it ever being a boy-no names-nothing. That will be interesting.

My mom and sisters think I'm having twins.
Um???!

So the next 7-8 months of my life are going to be a wild ride. But I have Cristian. And my family. And the few friends that have decided they're okay with being a support system.
Right now while writing this I'm happy. But it's not like that all the time. There have been plenty of times where I've wanted nothing more than to drive myself into oncoming traffic, or run away to some far away land where no one will find me and can't judge me. Sometimes I get angry and want to smack myself for texting that stupid number on the stupid napkin that day. But I'm hoping for more days like today. There's an acceptance of what has happened and what IS happening and I understand that I can't cry over spilled milk- all I can do is go on this alternative path and try to make this work for me in a way that we'll find happiness.

For those of you who I've told and haven't bailed-thank you. To those who did- I get it.
I love all of you :D





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