211

I haven't written in only a few days, but I feel as though I have a years worth of information and updates to get out onto this thing. I'll probably keep this short so my brain doesn't explode. Heh.

So. Christmas.
Last year I spent Christmas on the sunny beaches of Australia, a sweet 90 degrees, with aunts, uncles, cousins, and second cousins on the road to drunkeness while trying to feel comfortable at a super formal dinner and gift exchange for which I was neither prepared for or expecting. I guess it's because things are so lax at my house. Nothing formal or fancy. Certainly no fruitcake, and as far as the gift exchange.. most of our things tend to be gag gifts along with a few things that we actually may need.

I'm not knocking any of it, but I was extra happy to be home for the holidays this year. It went down the way it always does. Comforting. It took weeks to get all the decorations up, and hey.. Christmas is past and we still haven't gotten it altogether. We had an array of pizzas prepared for, all your assumed snackage and that's how we rocked out Christmas day after a frenzy of present opening. The loot?

New book bag for school
Running shoes
2 Shirts ( One fancy, the other had bible verses on it.... daddy..)
2 indian bookmarks
Harry Potter the Philosophy ( If Aristotle Ran Hogwarts)
Glass nail file
3 different perfumes
3 different lotions
Towls, bath beads, candles, loofa
A Texas keychain?
Custom made luggage tags (perfect!)
Socks, gloves
3 different hair pins, combs, clips
Jewlery ( 3 necklaces)
A new dress with rose buttons
Long black coat
A Grow Your Own Bonsai Potatoe Plant (...)
Exerspy.

Awesome. All the things I needed, plus some fun stuff on the side. I wore my new dress to church on Sunday. It was smokin! :D So it's Monday and after a disaster, fiasco, unfortunate, overwhelming first ( and possibly last ) day of work I headed to the gym to sweat out all my frustrations.. and then to hit the scale. I've been eating constantly ( my family can be witnesses). I honestly don't remember NOT eating on Christmas day. It wasn't like I sat down and stuffed myself all in one sitting.. it was more just a constant snacking. I told myself I gained no less then 5 lbs, and no more than 7. But I honestly was trembling as I took off my shoes, closed the blinds in the office and advanced to the scale.

And then...
"But wait! That can't be right... can it?"
I got off and stepped back on again.
"Oh. My. Gosh."

o POUNDS GAINED!
How that happened, I have absolutley no idea, but I almost burst into tears of happiness on the stop.. then realized where I was. I had another sudden spurt of adrenaline invade the viens and put in another 1/2 hours work before coming home, getting sick, and hitting the bed of roses. That was around 3. It's about 6:30pm and I just woke up. I have a training session with Patrick tomorrow morning at 6:30am ( what was I thinking when I said that time? I guess it was because the other options were to late. Who wants to be in the gym at say.. 4? I certainly don't). But now the thought of having to be up, scraping off my windows and freezing my way to the gym is making me feel... stupid. Bah! Whatever.

I'm glad Patrick is better.
Now on to the only other area of my life had holds remote interest.

I went on another date with Scott. I hadn't seen him for a good 3 weeks. Finals, and then Christmas, and me feeling weird all the times in between. We went to see Invictus ( which was phenomenal) , and the to the gingerbread house displays downtown, then back to my house for a game of Kemp, finished off the MadGab, preztles, pistaccious, and apple cider.

He hugged me for the first time last night. I'm not sure why that's so significant. He's never been immune to touching me. He's comfortable sitting close, looking into my eyes, but it felt.. right. With his arms around me so...

More on that later. Also. I still haven't put up an before and after picture. What's my problem!?
Time to get ready for Sarahs Fhe.

210

Oh. Dear.

209

This morning was great. Won a month free of Club Fit Classes, which include MC2, TRX, and Boot Camp!


Massage
Nails done

Both for free.

Cleaned my room.
Can't find my new running shoes? What the?


Time for the gym.

208

Big day.
Paid registration fees.
And after ten weeks I'm 3lbs away from my goal. I wanted 30lbs in 10 weeks. Looks like it will be in 11 weeks- but that's actually healthier since you're only supposed to lose 2 lbs of fat a week.
I'm proud of 27lbs. Grin.

Pictures will be up tomorrow.

I'm really proud of myself. It feels good to.. feel that way, especially with the shinanigins of this month.
It's been a tough ten weeks, BUT I can honestly say that I put ALL I had into the work outs. I gave my everything and more. Especially tonight because these last 2 workouts have come straight out of the dismal pits of Haiti. E-Scrib has been fantastic, and I'm really glad that Greg was there tonight. My team has done awesomely and I'm sad that it's over. But next week I start personal training with Patrick, and then on Jan 5th I start "Body Transformations" that will go for 3 and 1/2 months.I'm planning on seeing people around here and there, and hopefully we all continue on to reach our own personal goals. I'm so proud of everyone! We are terrific! Go yellow team!

So tomorrow I'll celebrate. Probably privately (no one else seems to care about this as much as I do- it makes sense, because it's MY thing, but... maybe this is prideful or stupid, but I don't think it's wrong to want someone else to take what I've done seriously. I'm sick of not being supported). I can't decide what I want to do. So here's my list of options ( after I deep clean my room-including shampooing the carpets!- oh and the award ceremony at 8 a.m.):

Full blown bubble bath/oil bead soak- foot scrub?
Facial
Manicure and/or Pedicure
( french )
Break in my new running shoes for the next step of this journey!
A massage at the club
Taking myself to get a nice lunch at Great Harvest
Purchasing a new book/movie/cd and enjoying it at my leisure
Maybe I'll buy some cute new underwear with lace! ( I have a thing for underwear, although no one ever sees it. :D )
Teeth whitening strips?
Maybe I'll buy a canopy for my bed.. I've been wanting one of those for awhile.
Maybe I can get Nicole to come with me to take some photos. Some nice ones! In the snow! With an accent colour!
Maybe I'll go snowshoeing up the canyon...


Well, that's my list. I'll see what happens.
Peace .

207

"Take off my shirt. Loosen the buttons and undo my skirt.
Stare at myself in the mirror.
Pick me apart piece by piece.
Sorrow decrease. Pressure release."

It's been awhile since I've seriously considered myself being in a rut (ditch? black hole? unrelenting abysmal tomb?). And though the feeling is better than I've had in the past it doesn't feel (comfortable) being stuck somehow. Ha ha! Right.. Does it ever? When was --static-- appealing to anyone? I don't really know what happened. It always begins the same, just one off day. Then the d.o.m.i.n.o. effect is set into action with a goal to terminate and all you can do is hope and cross your fingers that by doing what you know you're supposed to do, or by keeping the best attitude that you possibly can, that somehow against all odds [[one]] domino will not topple, the chain broken.

Until the next time of course, because undoubtedly there will be a NEXT time.

I remember the first day. One thing went wrong after another. Fighting with my family, stressing about my schooling options, trying to figure out issues with my trainers, the plans for the coming semester and regarding the marathon. Trying to find a way to feel worthy of certain friendships/relationships, wanting to believe something amazing is about to happen, but holding onto skepticism because it's seems to never be what it comes across as. Wanting to magnify my calling, but feeling uncertain as how to do so. Being severely uncomfortable but attempting to get to know more people. Looking for another adventure, worrying about not having a job. It was crippling. So instead of doing something, I simply did nothing. The easy way out. (or IN to the bottomless pit.. if you want to get all "philosophical").

Reacting & not acting.

I went to the gym for a couple hours, hoping to sweat out all the things I did wrong that day. Wanting that runners high which would make me feel on top of the world again, healed, redeemed, ready to make some changes. To act. After a couple hours of hammering my own body into the ground, weeping vats of steaming sweat, blood scorching in the veins, muscles shrieking at me, heart beating so rapidly it might pop!, the hot tub softly called my name and I answered eagerly. Sitting in the spa, letting the knots untangle, cramps fizzle out calmly, I glanced down at my CTR ring. Get ready. It was black. Now it might have been the chlorine reacting against the sterling silver, or maybe the heat did something to trigger a chemical reaction. Either way I don't care to find out because this visual hit me in the face like a well-aimed 45lb free weight.

It was a reflection (to me) of how that day had been. All the times I had NOT chosen the right. Instead of getting meditative, rage suddenly filled me. Violently. Just as it had all day long. "It's ruined. Time to throw it away I guess". I went to do just that when something stopped me.

I didn't throw it away.
I drove home and put it on my dresser not really understanding why I was keeping it, pissed off that I was keeping it actually. I didn't wear it for awhile and just as I mentioned more bad days followed. I felt out of control, wild, untamed and completely reckless. Things happened. Guilt. Shame. Frustration. Annoyance. Stress. But I kept thinking about the ring.

Over the last couple of weeks it's been many different colours. For a while it was black. Then gray. Blue, then a dark purple. And as I finally made my way over the last hurdle of letting myself move on from past mistakes I made this month, I sat quietly in church yesterday with my ring. On.- {{sterling silver.}} Not a single blemish. You wouldn't believe that 3 weeks ago it was solid black.

I guess I learned that you can't just throw away all the things that are wrong, or simply close chapters. It doesn't work that way ( I already knew this) but it was a nice reminder that it's always all about progression. And it might take time, and work, and a lot of keeping discouragement at bay but it can be done. I'm certainly not there yet. I still have some things to fit, jealousies to get over, pride to stamp out, hope to somehow be instilled back into me but yesterday was a good day and I'm grateful for it.

One week left of UL ( I'm 7 lbs away from my goal-with THIS program) and then I have a couple training sessions with Patrick over the break before P&N starts the beginning of January- just so I don't lose any momentum. Finals are over and though I don't have all my grades back I feel as though I did exceptionally well ( I accredit all of it to Institute this semester). I've gotten to know a few more people at church-who are ridiculously rad- and I have a date with Sir Knight tomorrow sometime.

List of things to do over this blessed break?
1. Tithing settlement
2. Employment Search
3. Buy books for next semester
4. Christmas preparations
5. Hair cut?
6. Visiting teaching ( cause I haven't done it.. once)
7. G
8. Plan my spring break vacation
9. Talk to Allison about New York this summer
10. New tires for Oscar.This is me, obviously. I've lost enough weight that the dimple has been reinstated. Va freakin' BAM! A before and after picture of my whole self will be posted at the end of this week. And if I do say so myself.. I look pretty freaking good.

206

Moving on.
Finals weeks is over.

205

It was so good.
But so very very wrong.


Almost done. Almost done. Almost done. Last final tomorrow. BL finishes on the 18th. I can do this.

204

I guess I'd be lying if I said I didn't do SOME things for other people's approval.
At the moment however, nothing really comes to mind.

What about today?
It's not like I got up, showered, and dressed myself for the sake of others. I do those things.. for myself. If society decided that showering, and dressing myself was unacceptable and therefore against the law- I would break that law every single day. So what that tells me is that I do that for myself and not for the sake of others. Right?
I don't really know what I'm getting at. I guess just that I don't wear something, or NOT wear something so that everyone can tell me why THEY don't do or DO that thing to. I mean, does it really matter? Do I DO that to other people? I'll have to think about that more when I have time to think about.. imponderables. I'm not looking for reprimand or approval ( in these matters), just acceptance.


Something's come apart inside me the last couple of weeks. There are some probable causes, but despite what's probable or not I don't feel it explains everything. Because honestly, I don't see an end to the cycle. And I guess that's the problem.

I need to talk about Scott K.
He's the best person I've ever known- and I hardly know him at all. He's a gentleman, respectful, smart, genuinely kind and sincere. He has manners, he's upfront and honest. Everything about him is good and right and true. He glows man. He's a good guy. I'm not saying he's perfect, or does everything right all the time, or doesn't have downfalls, or things that slip him up. But he has a plan, I feel like his life is in order and that he knows that in order to be the man he wants to be that he MUST rely on the Lord. He's family centered, and above all this.. I just can't get over how CONSIDERATE this person is. He literally blows my mind. He's so good. THIS is the problem.

He's.. ALL that.
And I'm me.
And the unfairness that I feel in this situation is paralyzing. Because as much as I'd like to make myself feel like I could and possibly could DESERVE to be with someone like that... I don't.

I really, honestly, truly, sincerely know in my heart of hearts that I don't. It's not saying that I couldn't in the future. Maybe when I'M a better person, or someone that I can be proud of.. but right now...


I can't wait till' finals are over. And then it's vacation.

203

Man, I'm so sick of all the crap.