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{I can't believe- but am very happy- that I can report things are becoming much better.}

(I should probably knock on wood or something). It's been a matter of phasing certain things and people out, and trying to fill those empty hurting spaces with something new. I'm not all the way there yet. But I've picked up a few different activities that are certainly helping and healing. I've got Institute Choir which is amazing, and my university has started this new "Fun Fit Forever" program where they have different work out classes all day long through out the week.

Yoga, Pilates, Athletic Blast, Crossfit, Spinning, Mind and Body, Body Sculpting, Step, etc.
It's been really fun. And it's nice to have something outside of the gym to look forward to. I have martial arts which is LOADS if fun also and is full of very useful tips. The activities committee has been reactivated and there's lots of planning and organizing that needs to happen. The classes that I'm taking keep my busy and occupied (I've met a few awesome people), and my ward just doubled in size. And of course-Hockey season.

Along with all that I have a few things to plan for in the future.
New Zealand is out this year. I can't explain it, except that it just wasn't supposed to happen this time. So I'm looking into a Humanitarian Aid trip down to Mexico after Christmas break. After that it's looking for a sweet bachletpad (yes. I made that up) for me and Karrie (if it's right) and then figuring out my next semester in school - which means deciding and solidifying my decision on a major (for reals.because I have a major but I feel really fickle about it) and then setting up the rest of my schooling to follow that program till' the end. And then actually committing to it.

I'm kinda sad to report that.. it's almost Oct. Almost a year since I started trying to lose weight (I've lost 55 lbs by the way). I made a goal to have lost the last 25 lbs by the end of this summer. I haven't made a dent in that except to build up about 7 lbs of muscle. I still have 25 lbs to go. Well, that's what I think will feel good. Patrick says according to body fat ratio I'd only have to lose about 15 to be in the bracket. But I want to be in the middle of the bracket, not leaning towards one side or the other. So. I have that to work on. I'm giving myself 10 weeks to do it. That's 2-3 lbs every week. And as of 2 weeks ago I started using my Exerspy again and this week I've tried hard to record my food. ( although I've mostly failed at that too). I just have to start somewhere ya know.

So this is me. Starting.

I think things with {M} are slowing beginning to smooth over. We talk a little bit more every day and it's not so uncomfortable for me to be around him. It doesn't affect my mood anymore and I don't feel like he has any kind of control over me. I don't know how to just trust someone again. It's not that I'm holding a grudge, but trust is something that you earn. And it's one of those things that even though there really aren't any negative feelings anymore it's certainly going to take some time.

I don't see {S} anymore, and I'm not bothered by it so much. Every now and then I'll see or hear something that reminds me of him and there will be a little pang of longing, but I'm quickly distracted by things that make me happier and are more worthy of my thoughts or feelings and time in general. As far as everyone else, I'm just trying hard not to think about it so much.

Lots of things to keep me busy, and I feel hopeful.

I don't really know what's going to happen here in the next little while.
But I feel something just outside my periphery is going to come in and mix things up a little.
And I'm excited.

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{Fast Sunday.}
JOY.

Sunday's are the best day of my week. On a day to day basis I find myself laying in bed at night going through all the things I need to accomplish the next day and Saturdays are the greatest because all I have to do the next day is make it to church to worship and learn and renew the covenants that I've made with the Lord. When I come home it doesn't stop, I sing or play the piano, try and work on developing a new skill, read or take a delicious nap. The last couple Sunday's have been warm and bright and curling up in the sunshine is something I thoroughly enjoy. Everything about Sunday feels good.
Time to stop and re evaluate, make some new goals and relax.

It's been a good one.
Many amazing testimonies were shared, the lessons in class were enlightening and helpful, and my drive up the canyon was rejuvenating.

I love EARTH.
I love LIFE.

I came home after my wonderful drive ( fall colors!) and felt really appreciative of the way my parents have set up our home. The spirit that they've invited in. Nature's important to me and my family. It's a way for us to remember how much we're loved by the Lord and how blessed we are to have received such an amazing gift from him.

My home is an eden. We try and bring nature into our home as much as possible. And all around it, there it lies.

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{We spend to much time wondering why we're not good enough.}


Alright well this week felt like a total waste of my life in some ways. And really helped me in others.
I had a head cold that out did any other sickness I've ever had, all of them combined into one horrendous monstrosity. It hit me out of nowhere. One minute I'm waiting for the bus up on campus, sharing some small talk with Nicole and from the time I climbed on the bus- to about the moment I was unlocking my car ( a 6-7 min window) it attacked. One minute I'm fine, the next I'm fighting against the urge to pass out.

Made it home. Somehow. Crawled into bed and lay there for a good 4 days trying to figure out what just happened. I'm not really sure when I realized what my symptoms were-because I think I honestly PASSED OUT for a couple days. My head felt explosive. I couldn't hear ( really, I had my phone on full volume and missed every single call that came), I couldn't breathe. Barely open my eyes (bricks were laying on top of them I swear) and my entire body ached.

I guess I'm just trying to caution you all to watch out. There's something going around.
Because I couldn't do much except just lie there I had a lot of time to think. And sleep, and think, and sleep some more. Mostly sleep. I tried to read, watched some shows, ate a couple times (DayQuil and NyQuil), and thought about life and whatever.

It was good. I can't explain my perceptions but...
I guess my season is changing.
And I'm ready for it.

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Martial Arts today was awesome.
I was lucky to have such a fun partner.

Hockey tomorrow night.
Hells Kitchen NOW.

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I'm thinking I should probably be putting forth a more concentrated effort to the whole friend making business.
Also. I conquered a fear today. Even if it wasn't the most graceful I've ever been in my life.

Goals for this coming week:

Apply for a couple jobs.
Pass Math test.
Smile more.
Visiting teaching.
Keep food record for at LEAST 5 days.
Wear Exerspy.
Institute Choir.
Lunch with Lex.

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The tantrum in my mind}

I've bandied together a lot of ambitions (obviously-yes I know).

One of them that I failed to acknowledge (because I was still formulating it in my noggin), is recognizing my self worth more and I mention down at the bottom of this blog a [life list] that has "learn all I possibly can" on it.

That being said my Institute class has been a Godsend-literally.

Part of what spawned this goal has been um, this.. ENTIRE year.

I can explain most of the smashups and unfortunate events that have occurred these last 9 months (all year) on me not conceiving who I am in an eternal perspective. Maybe that MISunderstanding comes from a lack of faith, not enough hope, or other self imposed limits. [Perhaps a triple whammy.] But the point is it's been one of the most trying years of my life, and I thought that I understood who I WAS and AM really well. Confusions run rampant, and I haven't been making the best possible decisions for myself, because I haven't been making them in the BEST possible way.

Hard to explain.

In class the last couple of weeks we've discussed the Plan of Salvation, God's Character and Satans, and Discipline vs. Disposition. I'm going to try and make this make sense. It's what I've learned about my own self worth that I really didn't understand before (and maybe you haven't understood either).

disclaimer- what I write next is my own understanding of the subject material.

Before we were given spirits we were just intelligence, which in itself is an entity. No one created it. It just was. Each intelligence had a different capacity to become something. Some could only become a rock, tree, or animal, and others could become human beings and from there received a spirit (which is separate from intelligence). While in the pre-mortal life there were laws that were set up by God (so it's likely that we all sinned while we were up there- something that I'd never really thought about) We studied and grew, and our intelligence because it has a mind of it's own focused on particular things. We talked about how Mozart's must have involved music, Einstein math, etc. And once down here these people tapped into that and discovered their talents and aptitudes that they produced while in the pre-mortal, and became the icons that they have. In essence ( I think) they discovered a part of their potential. We discussed how all the prophets that ever were, are and will be focused on spirituality (this as a talent was not something I'd ever really thought about either). Keep in mind that only a few of those up there studied, grew, and were obedient enough to be called "noble and great ones".

That leads us to getting a body. Because even though we probably transgressed while up there, we obviously chose more right than wrong because we're here on Earth.

We talked about how once down here it was our responsibility to tap into those talents and spiritual gifts that we worked on. This is where Satan comes in to try and destroy us. AND gives us a terrible disadvantage with ALL the odds stacked against us.

Consider:

If we were all in the pre-mortal life, then we probably all knew each other, studied together, grew to different levels with each other. Not just the people that chose to go with God's plan, but also Satans. We knew him, and not only that, his followers knew us to. We know that right? This seems like pretty basic stuff. But get this. If they knew us then they understood our strengths and weaknesses, in short, our potential. Yeah yeah, I know what you're thinking.. DUH Chels. But seriously you guys once we recieved a body we also had our eyes covered with the veil. And the others DID NOT. We do not know our potential- BUT THEY DO. We don't understand all our weaknesses- BUT THEY DO. And for me the most important understanding came from this: I also don't know or understand all my strengths- BUT THEY DO.

I was thinking about this, and the gifts, talents and aptitudes that I have (you should think about yours). Gifts that maybe I didn't realize WERE gifts. When I think about it, it's quite easy to see the areas of my life that I OBVIOUSLY didn't spend much time on developing before. Math for instance has always been an obstacle along with Chemistry, Biology, anything that involves formulas and numbers I don't have much smarts for. Cooking is another one (that makes sense because there's lots of chem and numbers in cooking). But then there are things that I KNOW I'm good at. Athletics for one, colors, organizing, anything that has to do with English as a language but also reading and writing. Art (sketching in particular), musical things, etc.

But I started thinking about a gift I have that is the most important to me, and to everyone that comes in contact with me (even if they-or you- don't know it). I don't want to go to far into it here because it's extremely precious and sacred to me (and if there's anything I've learned from what we've been talking about in class, it's that we SHOULD keep these special things close to us- share them of course-but take care of them), but the point is I've only ever considered it a GIFT which means something good and essentially a strength, I guess I thought that because it was gift there was no way it could be corrupted? Or at LEAST it would be very difficult to do so, and OBVIOUS if the adversary tried- but then the last 9 months crept into my head and I realize now that quite possibly I thought wrong.

I think Satan playing to our STRENGTHS is more dangerous than playing to our WEAKNESSES because those are something we'd expect him to zone in on.Think about the gifts, qualities, and special things you've been given. Are you keeping them safe? Or you taking care of them? Are you appreciating them? Are you expanding them? Do you even KNOW what they are?

If the adversary is working hard on you, it's probably because you're doing really well, or on the verge of finding some kind of new knowledge. If he's working on you, it's almost a compliment in a backwards kind of way because he knows how strong you are- he KNOWS your potential. Keep that in mind the next time you feel beaten down, discouraged or worthless.

You've been given gifts. You have gifts that you haven't discovered yet. And your intelligence can change.

Just something to think about.

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Institute Choir tonight. We're singing "Our Saviors Love" (ohmygoodnessohmygoodessohmyGOODNESSsoexcited)
And a version of "True To The Faith" that I've never heard and we never got all the way through it tonight so I STILL haven't heard the whole thing. Should be beautiful though

Is it cheesy that while singing the first song I teared up? I don't care, it's a beautiful song and to hear us all harmonize together was a glorious thing to behold plus our song instructors are the freaking MEN! I love them!

So I've been making some changes. Whenever I feel as though my life is coming to a standstill or going backwards I begin with the five sense. I review what I watch, listen to, touch, smell, and taste to make sure that the outward things are in check. Turns out I DID have some things that needed to be considered in all those areas except maybe smell. Everything else, well, there's definitely a notch higher that I could and should be trying to reach.

So I'm working on it and am glad to say that things are feeling a little better.
Also, I started yoga at nights to help me sleep and to take the stress out of my body cause I think that's been getting me down as well. All around things are beginning to look up, and I'm excited about the possibilities.

The weather today was gorgeous

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There are tons of things I feel like doing right now.

Curling up under my blankets with a good book and a delicious beverage.
Drawing a bubble bath and doing the book thing.
Take a nap in the sunshine.
Vacuuming my room, and cleaning my car.
Catch up on my text book reading.
Start my Math Review work.
Finish LOTR.
Re-do my nails.
Straighten my hair.
Eyebrows.
Scripture study.
Sing.

hmm.

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Guys, I want to have Whitney's (from MasterChef) cooking skills. Seriously. Maybe she'll get eliminated in the next couple weeks but she's freaking awesome! I wish I could cook.

We were asked a question today in Sunday School.
What do you do (active things) to help yourself get through adversity?

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I need to find some triathalon friends.

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{Up at 6 am and then not in bed till about midnight or later.} This first week has been a little crazy but I can't explain how excited I am that school is FINALLY back in. I feel productive and busy, I've enjoyed my classes and homework thus far. I've already learned so much and enJOYed so much. Uni is fun-for now. ;)
Institute is rocking my world and has already given me so many things to think about. I've begun to create some friendships that I believe will go a long way.

The whole this is refreshing and rejuvenating.


I feel progress.
I feel growth.
And I feel happiness.

I'm so grateful for the opportunities this semester has ALREADY given me, and I believe that more are to come. The wards.stakes.branches. have all been switched up. I'll admit it, I was late today but it's been one of those Sunday's that I just DON'T want to end.

Proverbs.
I love Proverbs, but I don't have time to write down everything that I want to right now. But I will. Later.

mm. LOVE.

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This semester is going to be amazing.