12 Mediocrities of Socrates!

16 days and I turn 21.
That's irrelevant at this point.

I had an amazing weekend. I went down with my girls to the city and had a blast. The Chinese food was amazing and so was our night full of memory making and laughter.
(W) as an old man was the funniest topic of conversation. He's totally going to be deaf and be the one that screams random profanities, or mutters them continually under his breath. So freaking funny.

She told me that she had weed hidden in her room.
But I didn't even WANT to smoke pot! It was great!
The 2 o-clock in the morning NyQuil run, looking for hookers on N.T. and Pokerface!
That songs gets me hot. I can't lie. So does Panic At The Disco.

Funny as.
The view of the city was amazing, as were the little shops that we made purchases at.
It gave me an idea about starting my own Fair Trade Store at some point. I love the idea, and it's honest!

(W) acted weird last night. Maybe it's because of the pills. I thought he was mad at me. (S) didn't know that I was coming over because I don't think that (W) told him. Embarrassing, showing up at his house when obviously he didn't want me there. That's how he acted anyways. I like talked with (B) cause he makes me laugh way hard! (R) was funny to, but he was drunk off his rocker.

Church was good today.
I shared my testimony for the 1st time in 10 yrs. It felt good.
I was so nervous, my voice shook the whole time. But I didn't cry and I didn't stumble on my words which was really all I wanted to have happen.
I used the phrases (Disco Knees, and Blow My Brains Out) within my testimony- it was a very good day and I felt good that people enjoyed it.
(D) whistled Hymn # 284 If You Could Hie to Kolob for me after sacrament meeting and then ran off to his meetings! What a busy bee!!

During Relief Society (A) invited me to a birthday party for Angie. Since when does she invite me to anything. I won't go, because I know that there will be drinking. She'll make me feel inferior and stupid. And... why would I put myself through all this?

Well, I wouldn't!
Snow shoeing at some point this week, if (S) is really serious about going.


I don't really feel like I have options anymore.
A mission sounds great, and it feels good to.
I'd like to date someone.
I'd like to go back to school.
I'd like to travel some more, or simply just get the freak out of here.

I'd like to do all these things.
We'll see what happens.
Job interview on Wednesday.
And until then I"ll just be hanging out. Cleaning my room. AGAIN. Sorting my music. AGAIN. Trying to escape my medocrity. AGAIN.

It's a pretty sweet cycle. Vicious but safe right?


I just feel sick all the time.


Confessions:
I opened the bag of Dark Dove Chocolates yesterday and am slowly making my way through them. There's a chance there won't be that many left by Tuesday.
I won't tell you that though.

I want to drink the mixers. Just cause they're fun and I don't want them hanging around in my closet.

In other news I bought insence.
4 sticks of Sex On The Beach
2 Cherry Vanilla
1 Black Love
2 Happy
1 Hemp

And a holder. Wood with golden flecks through it.
I burned a Sex On The Beach today.
It smells the way... it's named.
It's awesome.

Confessions:
I think having sex on the beach wouldn't be that much fun. To much grit and sand.
In the ocean however...

I hate showering, but I LOVE bathing!
I'm NOT excited about my birthday.
I'm probably going to show up Black French Man tomorrow.
And I won't feel bad about it. At all.

I'm not attracted to anyone.
It's a strange feeling.

Later

So I had another Bishop's interview. He appreciated my testimony and told me that it brought him close to tears. I like that. But I didn't really share if for anyone else but me. I had about 6 people mention how I used "Blow my brains out" within my testimony. Many more came and thanked me. It was nice, but I didn't really know what to say. Michael Murray said that he enjoyed it. THAT one DID actually mean something. That kid is amazing and has a very strong testimony and desire to be a good person. I love it, and he's been a phenomenal example to me as I've struggled my way back into the church.

I feel happy and light and like things are going my way.
I also talked to Alicia today about her mission call and what the process was like. Her feelings, her worries, what she has to buy. I'm so excited for her. We talked briefly about (M) and (M) and how they were both doing on their missions. I guess she hasn't kept in contact with LA boy and hasn't bothered to write Connecticut man yet. That's ok though , because I only JUST wrote CO man about a week ago. It'll be interesting to see if he writes back, but I won't be all that surprised if he doesn't. I imagine that could be pretty strange for him.

(N) told me that she told her mom about my sharing today.
You know it kind of IS a big deal.
The first time I've done that in some 10 odd yrs. I was scared and probably prayed about 20 billions times for my heart to calm down and my body to stop trembling. It worked.
I'm glad that I did it though. I trusted in the Lord to give me courage and I found that as soon as I took the first step and stood up that I easily carried myself up to the stand.

I love this gospel with all my heart.


I've been talking to Japan man (S). Texting him and such. What a funny guy, and he totally wants to go snow shoeing at night with me and other at some point this week so that's super exciting. I'm just glad that other friendships are starting to form because the ones that I have currently are... shady in a variety of ways!

But the church is true so I can keep on going.
It's just been such a good day for spiritual experiences, and how greatful I am for that and for the strength that I've recieved throughout this blessed fasting day. Even though I didn't actually fast. I ate like.. a million Goldfish crackers and some dark chocolate.
What a morning right?

In other news I'm starting to break out and it sucks.
I think I'm about to be on the rag and that's.... good, but I hate the part where it's not quite there yet so I'm eating volumes of food, breaking out, and feeling bloated... oh and depressed. That normally accompanies all of that.

Oh well, it'll come and be over soon enough and then I can go back to feeling REALLY great about myself.


I think it may be time to get my act together and get to work on my papers. I just feel so good about it when I'm thinking about it, or praying about it, or sitting in that mission prep class. Oh and all of a sudden I don't have feelings for Canadian man anymore.

.. I just felt my breasts. They're pretty tender. I'm totally going to be on the rag soon. And I hope it's heavy. There's nothing better than a strong heavy flow. It just feels so good.

Canadian man.. yeah.. all of a sudden I don't really see anything happening. And maybe it's because of this mission thing.. or because I've been praying to know what to do. Well, I don't think it has anything to do with him. Which makes things easier for me. Now I just have to deal with (W) and Black French Man.

Tomorrow though. I can't do all of this tonight. :D

(S) is coming over to play some games. Probably to talk as well. Who knows? I don't really care! As long as I have some kind of company because I am in a GREAT mood.
Things have gone well, and I feel happy.


It's about freaking time.

11

Last night I went to her house. We listened to music and waited for the game to end. Then everyone came over. It was alright, I'd never really seen or talked to any of them. It was good to reaccquaint myself with everyone. Somewhat.

(M) called me last night.
The crazy French Black guy. He still hasn't gotten over me. It's been over a year since I last saw him. I haven't missed him, I didn't find myself attracted to him, I don't like him at all. I told him I could see him on Monday and I'm just going to have to lay it out for him.

In other news I think I'm going to Prom Night 82', only because I almost cried last night over (D). I'm just interested. I just like him. I just the dating experience. I hope he writes back today because I MISS him.

I'm going up to the city this afternoon with (N) to visit (E) for the weekend. I think she still may be mad at me, but I'm excited regardless. (S) skipped out as was expected and the sun is shining!!!

This weekend should be interesting at very least.

9

I cleaned the house today.
Mom asked me to.
It kept me busy and for that I was grateful.
She always brought me home a couple of new shirts which was quite thoughtful.


I went snow shoeing earlier this afternoon.
It was beautiful and my best friend (Tahoe) in his little booties and dog sweater had a great time. He's beautiful. The sun was amazing, the snow was nice, the work out even better. I didn't go as far as I would have liked because I was alone and didn't want to.. risk anything I guess.

As soon as we were back in the car it started to hail.

*There goes mom again talking about calories*

It started to hail. I just sat there for a minute and enjoyed the sound of ice hitting the tin roof. It was delightful. I don't think Tahoe enjoyed it very much though. I think that car ride made him a bit queasy- it would make sense considering that the ride up the canyon is a pretty windy one. He loved the run though.

I didn't take my camera.
I should have.
Next time.


Confessions:
I wish my cell phone rang more.
Or sounded that message tone more often.

I still don't have a job.
I need one.
Desperately.

I'm so mediocre.
(E) has been acting strange. She invited me down to the city for the weekend with the girls. It would be fun to hang out with just the 4 of us. Like old times. I don't want her asking me to come down just because she feels guilty about bailing this last weekend though.

I hope Jeff calls with a date so that I'll have SOME kind of excuse. I'm not putting any stock in THAT though. Nothing like that ever works out for me. And I'm not going to "make things happen" by acting desperate. I'm tired of that. And if that means no more hanging out for then so be it. At least the truth will come out right?

I missed Obama's speech tonight. And I'm actually REALLY disappointed.
Oh well, I'm sure that I can watch it on some other website- but I was looking forward to the Live version. Don't really know why.

My stomach is slowly toning. I hope that (M) is keeping to the diet as well. She wants to change so much. I hope she gets it, but I also hope that she's being healthy about it.

I need to get out of here but I really don't have any place to go. And I just.. want HOME to be where I can go when I feel like I need to get out "here". That's obviously not the case though. Not the case at all. I wish I had my own computer. A faster one. So I could watch the episodes of GossipGirl in peace and quiet. Without someone breathing down my neck about how risque it is.
Cause I honestly just don't care.

It's almost time to work out.
I wish it would come quicker- then I could have some time to think.
By myself.


I'm static.

Confession:
I'm static.
I don't think he's going to ask me out.
Surprise surprise.

Such a small town.

6

Germans first came up with the flame thrower!

Today has been a pretty interesting day.
Mom basically told me that I was fat and ugly.
Not with those words exactly but the that's the gist of it. I bolted to the gym and worked out probably to hard.

I hate that she said that.
I hate it.


The sunshine has been glorious.
I watched Gossip Girls, the entire first disk.

I want to buy a tie.
And a plaid skirt with a vest.


I got a letter today from a friend in Idaho.
It was good to hear from her and I was so grateful for the letter after my mom and her big mouth opened up and barfed all over me.

I can hear my dog yelping... back in a flash..


He always locks himself in the laundry room. I wonder if he'll ever learn.

The letter was great and I wrote her a nice long one back.
Things have calmed down.
I'm feeling calmer.
When I first started this thing I had tons to let out and slowly things are beginning to simmer down again. It feels good and I think that it was a good choice to get this as an outlet that no one really knows about.
I cried because of what mom said.
I think I've cried three times this week, all in a row.

Whatever.
I don't care.


Confessions:

I love Jane Austen
I think the way that they spell things in the UK and Australia are better than in America.
Color-colour
Rumor- rumour.

I just think it's better, but I never spell that way because I always have to explain that I'm not an idiot, but that I'm Australian/American.
I have an amazing voice.
So eat it!
I fall in and out of love like it's going out of style.
I like red, not because it's a power color, but because I think it's sexy!
The primary things I notice about people the first time I meet them is 1- their eyes ( I have yet to see an unattractive pair of eyes) 2- their voice 3-humor/mouth (lips, teeth, dimples?)
Secondary things include fore arms and back.

I live for fun facts. In fact I try and learn a new one every day. I haven't for the past couple of days but writing about it will surely kick start that back into life.
I don't miss that he doesn't call or text me at 7:00pm MY time anymore. I think it's for the best.

I am NOT a clutz.
However I AM a spaz.

I CANNOT for the LIFE of me remember dates, what day it is, when I saw that person last, etc, etc. BUT I CAN remember word for word certain conversation, faces, clothing, what color jewelry they were wearing, WHERE we were at, etc. Is there a name for that? I'll have to look that up.

I hate the song Super Trooper.
That felt good to write down.

I will ONLY drink Skim Milk. Because I think that 2% is fatty.
I also enjoy an occasional glass of HempMilk. For the after taste.

I am terrified of the dark, but can only sleep if it's pitch black.
I am also terrified of people, but that doesn't stop me from being a people person.


I LOVE texting.
But not more than I love talking.

5

The eliptical kicked my trash today.
I had to close my eyes for the last 10 min. to help push myself all the way to the end.
I was drenched with sweet smelling sweat. My hair was frizzy, my skin warm and moist.
My heart was pumping it's steady beat and my muscles contracted repeatedly.

Oxygen flowing in and out regenerating my blood cells.
Healthy.
That's how I feel.

Confessions:

I'm starting to get protective. It's true. I told you how it was because I wanted to make sure that YOU knew where I stood.
Why I'm doing this I have no idea. I have no claim on him. He didn't want ME. There. It's out. He broke up with me not the other way around. He DID however say that he was falling in love with me and that's why. The mission. It's always the mission. Which is alright, it's just come inconvienently every time. His letters basically spell out that he won't be interested when he comes back. It won't matter what I do. I can try and slim down, and spiritually prepare myself.. .but..

I'm just trying not to get my hopes up, or have any expectations at all. Even being friends is quite questionable.

I believe pineapple is good in, and with everything.
However I only REALLY like pineapple from Thailand the "land of smiles".

It's a secret. But I'm starting to like the smell of meat. Beef in particular.
WHAT THE? I'm afraid of myself for even writing that. It won't matter though. I'll keep on being a vegetarian because I have been so long. Why change anything now?

I confessed everything to my bishop.
He still thinks that I can go for a recommend because I KNOW that I've made mistakes.
He told me not to be to hard on myself. He knows that I am. And of course I will be on this.
But today I feel good. I feel, light and happy.

I never paid that $700.
I said I did, but I didn't.
I will.
I am.

I'm taking a blind leap of faith that one of these jobs will call me up and get me on the payroll. I'm not sure what I'll do if they don't. I may have to settle for a call job, and maybe.. heaven forbid a convenient store.
I AM going to do summer math courses, and I WILL be going back to school in August.

You told me that (M) is moving out and that I could take her contract.
Well.. you're going to Arizona. And I wanted to move out WITH YOU.

I have $22 to my name.
I act like I have more.
I don't.


I need to hand things over to God.


In other news, I just found the most reliable news source in America.
TheOnion.com.

4

M.G.

Now that's a story itself.
And one that probably ended a long time ago.

I can't help but wonder.
That's all though.
Just wonder.



I can't have any expectations. And I don't want to build any up in the next 2 months.



NO.
NEVER.
I WON'T.

The prologue

THIS is only the beginning....