593

Things are slowly coming together.
Figured out my colors.
And my flowers.
Bought my dress and veil.
Have the bridesmaid dresses figured out. Still need accessories.
We have a location for it.
We know whose marrying us.
Next is getting pictures for our engagement photos and people's addresses so they can get said invitations.
Sarah is in charge of my bridal shower so I don't have to worry about anything except showing up-and getting addresses for that also.

We still need to go someplace to get registered.
Need to figure out food.
And music.
And where we're living.
The honeymoon.
I'm sure there's more but that's all I've got off the top of my head.


In the meantime we're both worrying about money (we need more steady jobs!).
I have my 2nd appointment with my doctor tomorrow at 4pm.
Producing my podcast for UPR this coming weekend.


Sighs.
I can't wait till all of this is over.
It's funny how weddings are never really about the bride and groom, they're about making everyone else happy. I could care less about what goes where, who wears what (except for Cristian.. but that's mostly just because I'll be wondering when I'll get to take it all off), or what people eat.
The only thing I care about is him, and what this means for both of us, and this crazy start to our lives.

Everyone else can kind of suck it.
Lol.

592

Nov 19th.
Proposal.
Great Grandmother's ring.
January 21st.


Not ready.

591

I'm starting to show.
And I really hate it.
I get it.
But I really really don't like it.

Keep going back and forth, back and forth.
Smiling, crying. Lots of energy. No energy.
Confident I can do this. Depressed because I feel like I can't.
It's gonna be like this for awhile.

Went for a walk today with my dog. It was nice to get some fresh air and stretch my legs. I guess I should be doing more moving around cause I'm a higher risk of getting blood clots now? Joyous :D But it's a good thing, I should be out and about more instead of sitting at home all the time worrying about all the things I can't change, or can't change until other things happen first.



Need to figure some things out.
Be sure of the things I want.
Try to find a solution to things that I don't want but am dealing with.


No money.
Sighs
:D

590

Went in for the ultrasound today at 4pm. My anticipation over the last 2 weeks has been mounting and poor Cristian, I was almost crying by the time we got in today. I wasn't sure how I'd feel seeing the baby. Would I be excited or scared? Sad or happy? The best case scenario in my mind was that I would probably feel all of those things and have some kind of nervous breakdown.

Not quite.
We went through all the clinical stuff. Medications I can take, stuff about diet and exercise, etc, etc. And then we went in for the ultrasound. I honestly couldn't breath properly and my hands shook as I lifted up my shirt across my belly. She put that blue stuff on my stomach, lowered her little instrument and bam... there it was up on the screen. We watched it move an arm up and down and it's little leg stick up. It was crazy seeing it but then something else happened that blew my mind.

The heart beat. I almost started crying but couldn't hear or see Cristian out of the corner of my eye and didn't want to burst into sappy girly tears. I held it together until we made it to the car and then my mom called to see how it was. I started crying on the phone. It was what I thought... I felt excited but scared, sad but so insanely happy I didn't know what to do with myself. Cristian was awfully quiet. We both were, just taking in the experience we'd just had. My baby is healthy-perfect heart beat, 2 legs 2 arms and looking great. I'm eleven weeks and my doctor adjusted the due date to May 24th.


Crazy things happening.

589

So I've had a lot of things to complain about lately. I'm not going to apologize cause it's all been honest and it's helped put things into perspective.
People nagging me.
My cancer scare.
And now I've got a urinary tract infection. Oh joy right LOL. Like life isn't complicated enough without it having to hurt like hell when you pee? It okay though, I got my medication to help clear things up today-should be back to normal in a couple of days.

I started laughing today, mostly because I was tired of crying.
Life's silly sometimes ya know, but today's been a good day for looking at the bright side. I have a wonderful family whose done nothing but love me more in my situation and are willing to love my little one with all their hearts if my decision is to keep her in the end. I've got a few solid friends who help out by keeping in good touch, planning fun things for us to go out and do, and just being there. I've got a boyfriend whose doing everything he can to make me feel safe, comfortable, and happy on a constant basis which I'm sure is just.. exhausting for him. I have a car to drive around until I can figure out what I'm going to do about my transportation. I'm in pretty good health, have food to eat, a shower to bathe in and a bed to sleep in. I have enough money to pay my rent for another month plus utilities. Thanksgiving is coming up and it's one of my favorite holiday's because we all get together and have a good time. And then it's Christmas and my brother and his family who I haven't seen in a couple years are going to fly out and ...it's going to be awesome. I've figured out what I'm getting for Cristian for Christmas and it'll take up a lot of my time to get it finished-which is good-I should be busier. It was sunny today and it felt soooo good. I'm not ready for the cold dark winter ahead of us in the next few months. We've got our script and our podcast is ready for production. My first appointment is in 2 days and we FINALLY get to see the little sea monkey :D. There is plenty of sunshine heading my way, and I'm going to work on appreciating every second of it.

The HAPPIEST people DO NOT necessarily have the BEST THINGS. They simply APPRECIATE the things they have. - Warren Buffet

588

Yep. Can't come home without someone bothering me about something or other. It's just reaffirming that I can't move home. Might move in with Cristian if we can't find a place we can pay for in the next couple of weeks, but truth is I don't really want to live with his family either. And he doesn't either. He said he'd pick up another job here if that's what I want and he'll be the supporter for awhile. I do eventually want to get a job so I can help us out but I think I'm down and out for about the next year. That seems like a really long time. We'll make it.


Heading down to O'ville to purchase new red boots! And some other unmentionables. It's going to be a good Hallow's Eve. Mum made chocolate covered pretzels. Sighs.

587

Going through a rough patch. With myself.
Just still trying to figure things out. The cold dark weather is coming on, so I know less than happy feelings about everything are partly because of that. Being really hard on myself. Not taking the best care of myself-as far as self love and respect go. All I wanna do is talk about it, but there's no one I can think of that could really understand or care about what I'd have to say. I talk to God a lot. But he's not sitting with me in my room talking to me face to face. Sure we can talk spirit to spirit but I just want something I can touch. Something. Someone.

I was told writing would help me.
And it has, if helping means every time I sit down to let out some thoughts and feelings my keyboard is drowned with tears. I'm not meaning to repress everything. I've always been really honest and open about how I feel about different things. With this though, for whatever reason I feel as though I have to do it alone. And it's driving me crazy. And I've started treating the people I care most about, badly. I wrote Cristian a letter the other day and left it on his gaming chair. He read it but didn't understand why I was apologizing for my behavior, which just made me burst into more tears.

He's the best.
The absolute best.
I deserve less.

Whenever there's a problem I just want to run to him, but I don't want him to see me like this. He's so strong and positive and always has a bright side. He's happy and enthusiastic about this. He believes it's a blessing. And I feel as though I'm just the opposite. I feel weak and negative. It's hard to find even a small bit of happiness in a day lately. I'm upset and worried about the situation. I see it as a mistake (not my baby, the timing in which it happened). I see it as a trial. I wrote in a different journal closer to the beginning of all this that I just wanted to endure it well.
I'm not enduring this well this week. There are small, fleeting happy moments where I really laugh, or really smile, or really feel good.. but they haven't lasted long this week. I'm ready for this week to be over.

I can't seem to get away from anything. It makes sense, and I shouldn't be trying to run from everything but can't I come home without you, mum, hounding me about something to do with my situation? Can't me and the people I keep in contact with talk about something other than me? Can't me and Cristian have a fun, light, conversation instead of me turning it into something serious where we just end up fighting?

I'm trying to figure everything ok?
There's a lot.
It's not going to happen over night.
I don't know why she thinks it's going to.
Why I think it's going to.

He wants to move back to Cali.
I want to move anywhere but somewhere close to here.
So we're looking at jobs out there.
Please God, let us find something.

Tonight is a Halloween party. I was supposed to help plan it, but mostly what I've done this week is beat all the feeling out of myself. And the few remaining feeling I have, the ones that somehow managed to sustain my abuse are wandering around like wounded baby animals just waiting to die. I want tonight to be fun, to go be with everyone, get dressed up-do something crazy like.. carve a pumpkin and forget about who I am and what's going on in my life. But I don't know if I can go. Some of these people are... not exactly what I thought. And if people feel as though they have to be "cautious" around me- then how about I save everyone some stress and not come. I wouldn't have been offended if you simply hadn't invited me.

It just makes a lot more sense to me.
There's another party tomorrow night that Cristian and I are invited to. It'll be rowdy, but I want to go because he does. I don't have a costume. He's going to be a robber. I was thinking Where's Waldo but I don't know if I'll get anything together. Everything feels like such a chore. I'm realizing that this is a pretty whiny post-but you can navigate to different screen whenever you want. This is my space. Suck it.

So I'm not sure what I'm gonna do today. Nap is definitely on the list. Crying can already be checked off. I wanna go be with Cristian.
Later.