224

There's a formal dance [girls choice] this Friday.
I am psyched.

Now I just have to figure out who I want to go with.
Decision, decisions, decisions. But it's nice being able to make a pleasant one.

223

Alright, time for some venting. NOT the angry kind, it's more like the bottle for my "angst" *snorts* is full and because the top is still on the pressure just keeps on building.
I'm not a fan of exploding.

Last night changed my life.
I'm not quite sure what it WAS about shoving that 45lb free weight along the floor but that's the closest I've come to ACTUALLY losing it in a very long time. Especially anywhere even close to the gym.
I talk about the gym alot.

But you've GOT to understand as to why that is!
Is not only because I can [see and hear] the support I need for wanting to make and keep life changing goals. The endorphins don't suck.
But more than that-it's a safe zone. Nothing about the life I'm living OUTside the gym, affects me when I'm INside the gym.
The other way around isn't true. The gym DOES in fact my other life- but in all good ways.
I'm kind of a compartmentalist. (I'm pretty sure I made that word up-basically I try to keep all things seperate, so as not to create a messy knot of experiences I can't understand)

The point is, I can be the person I want to be without any fear of social faux pas, or judging. Misunderstanding or conflict. It's where I let go and I can realize my potential.
That being said, I haven't questioned by physical abilities in.. I mean.. Ever.

And I'm not saying that I did last night, because I forced myself past that wall but.. There was a moment, with Patrick putting extra pressures on my screaming shoulder, and Natalie breathing-literally-down my neck to pick up the pace that I thought one of two things was going to happen.

1) I was going to breakdown. Not only weep, but flood the club with my horrific torrential tears.
or 2) Snap mentally and go into full fledged hysterics.

I haven't been pushed that far mentally or physically in a very long time. And I don't understand what it was about last NIGHT that caused that to happen. I keep thinking about it.

Am I not getting enough sleep?
Is something else going on that I just haven't.. structured yet?
And why didn't I just let it go when I felt it? Psychoanalysis, gotta love it.
The point is, I never want that to happen again. Although nothing seeped out of my eyes I spent the rest of the workout on the brink of bursting into tears.
And later I lay trembling under by beloved covers trying to get that feeling out of my head.

Something happened.
And it didn't go away today.
During personal training I held back. It's not that I didn't work hard, or do a less than expected job as far as intensity. But I wasn't into it as much as I have been.
I'm really sad about it.
And I'm hoping things change tomorrow, I'll guess we'll see.




In other news:
My neck and shoulders feel as though they've been injected with cement.
Doesn't that sound delicious?

222

Ya know, I'm not suicidal. But I wouldn't say no to being run down by a semi right now.

221

It's how I've felt for a long time.
That.., as long as I have my faith, and music still occupies my world, no matter what else I miss out on, what experiences, relationships, achievements and adventures that everything will be okay, because I'll still feel [alive] with those two things.
Just a thought.


It's the beginning of another week. And I'd like to make some changes, because I've been slacking on quite a few of the things that were at one point consistent.

I'm not gaining any weight, but I'm also not losing. -currently-. It's because my body has reached a set point, but I haven't been doing anything to break down that wall. So it's time to re-evaluate my eating habits. I HAVE to stop eating so much at dinner, and start eating so much MORE at breakfast. And I need to start using my program again. I know that I'm not overeating by much, but everything counts and I haven't been... counting I suppose. More cardio, better endurance, stronger will. Also, it's time for some real meals, not this packaged/processed trash.

I'm going to finish all my homework for next week by Friday THIS WEEK. I'm not behind, but I feel more secure when I'm slightly ahead. I have a Hospice visit tomorrow at 4:30pm, and a presentation to give on Wednesday (note to self: wake up early to skim the readings, set schedule with Marla)

Along with that I'm making a goal to pick up and actually FILL OUT and TURN IN at least 4 different applications. And to de-junk my entire house ( at $10 an hour) by Saturday night this week.

I need to arrange some activities for my ward. I'll have figured out the Humanitarian Haiti project by Wednesday. {{I promise. }}( and I need to purchase my ticket) And I need to find some people to deliver meals, write a few letters, and make a few visits. It never feels like I'm doing enough. Sighs.

Clean car by Tuesday.
Service it by Saturday.
Hang up laundry by tomorrow- I procrastinate doing all the weird things-
Email Guido by Wednesday.
Return movie TOMORROW.


Get crunk.

220

Sighs.
And now it's time for a entry with substance, because I've been incredibly lax of late. It's not going to be exciting, inspirational, or noteworthy but this is what's been going on in my life, ready?


School's been back in for about 2 weeks now. It's a nice change of pace from the break.. ya know. Going from being completely unproductive to MOSTLY unproductive. I just can't seem to find a job ( and it's not because I'm not looking, but because I know the kinds of jobs that I like, can handle, and am willing to do- and the ones that make me want to dig up {{dead}} people, bring them to life and sick them on the innocent). My classes are exciting and progressive, I feel good about my Major the more classes I take for my degree. The professors are interesting and open to discussion, a difference of opinion-and even lack of one. I've met some pretty sweet people and am still mostly caught up.

But I just feel weird. Like I'm some kind of pawn in a game I didn't sign up to play. I know what I want to be doing (well, I know that it's not this), and it doesn't really succinct with what I'm ACTUALLY doing. Not that education isn't important, because we all KNOW that it is- but is this the environment in which I learn best? No. Not at all.
There's not much I can change about that this semester, and hopefully it flies by and I'll have the whole summer to live.

Along with this idea, I had an interesting conversation with one of my best friends. The idea that having an experience no matter the consequences ( good or bad), because it makes me feel like I'm alive. The idea that anything is better than just.. standing still. After pondering this theory I've decided that she's probably right. And the reason behind all the bad choices, impulsive desires ( like fleeing the country, or moving to a different state), etc. I mean, I don't really know how to fix that right now. I started today by taking a drive to '"the" spot. It's a place high in the valley where you can look down and see everything. No music, no phone, just like she suggested and I tried to reflect on everything that's happened in the past 3 years, as painful as it was. Then I thought about the person I am- the things I like, the things I don't. Things I have verses things I'd LIKE to have. And then tried to decide the person that I would be satisfied being. Satisfaction, not comfortable.

I tried to cut out everyone else, seperate who I am, and what I actually can be instead of the person that I'd like to be or I "aspire" to be, my siblings, parents, friends, church leaders, professors, classmates, personal trainers, teammates, etc. I tried to think about the life I WANT and COULD lead, rather then what I feel is expected of me, or what I feel would yield the best results for getting exactly what I want. Just- me. A person I could respect and be proud of.
Because I feel like the person I "ASPIRE" to be, isn't attainable in this life, because that girl has it all- and something like that isn't entirely possible in this life. I won't reach that here.

I'm ok with that.
But I wasn't before I really took a couple hours to think about. To accept that perfection isn't realistic. Not to say I can't try-because I believe I'm someone that always will [try] if nothing else- but just allowing myself to understand that I will always have flaws as long as I'm here.
That sounds like a "no duh" statement, but that's honestly something I haven't been able to accept-ever-until now.

So I then my train of thought landed on faults.
What things about me- that I personally consider faults- am I "ok" with having? And what ones do I want banished from my life forever? I didn't come up with anything substantial for a blog off that tagent, but I'm going to continue to think about it.

Next I played a game: 10 Questions. Yes, with myself.

1. What am I looking for?
- the flat line answer: happiness

2. And what does that mean to me?
- affecting change for good.

3. Anything specific?
-the quality of (a) human life. an overall goal for a better future-today.

4. Can I do that?
-I feel like it's something I was born to do.

5. So what's the problem?
-there are many.

Go on.
But, I don't know how to explain.
More questions then.

6. Are there people in your life that you don't WANT in your life right now?
- I believe everyone is here or there for a reason

7. Aren't you happy right now?
-I'm content, but I see potential for more happiness- whatever that means.

8. What do you think it means?
-more opportunity to affect change for good. more opportunity to affect the quality of (a) human life.

9. How are you going to change that?
-I'm going to start by saying yes. acceptance

10. Yes and acceptance to what?
-yes to living the life I've been given, acceptance that this is just the beginning.

I don't know.
Putting down on here and all the things that actually went through my brain are two entirely different stories. But it was a good start to figuring out who I can actually become, and not this dream girl that isn't going to surface in the 70-80 yrs. It's realistic, and I hate that- because it seems pessimistic-but maybe it's time to look at the crux of the problem.

I think right now I need to find ways to prove that just because I haven't always respected myself, and in turn been disrespected by other people- that THAT can change. And it can change today. You've got to start somewhere right?Next I thought about the times in my life when I'm happiest, times when I've felt on top of the world.
Powerful.

Here are some moments, in chronilogical order;
-When I met G.
-Freshman yr on my highschool swim team.
- The first time I made out with a boy (NOT my first kiss- just had to clarify)
-Graduation
- My solo trip to Italy
-Guatemala
-Arizona ( this one was BIG)
-June 5th 2008
-Australia
-Compassionate Service calling
-Passing Math 900

- there are many more, all mixed in between- but there's a list in general.
So is there something that all these things have in common?
They all made me feel as though I was affecting change for good.
Is there something that I do every day that makes me feel the same way?

Yes. Yes there is.
This is going to sound strange, but I feel powerful and affecting when I'm in the gym. Having dominance over my body- making it do all the things that I want it do, and not what IT wants to do. I'm not afraid in the gym. No insecurities. There isn't any expectations. There is NOTHING I DON'T know how to do in a gym. The regulars that know me there, I know BACK. I feel like everyone is exposed. Varying shades or red to blue faces, dripping sweat-everywhere, screaming muscles, a pumping heart, heavy breathing, people that need to be there, people that don't. Many of those things might cause another person discomfort. I know plenty of people that have a phobia of sweat, or any of the above- but all those things make me feel.. affecting.

I know who I am when I'm in a gym.
I'm powerful. dominant. agressive. hard working. unafraid. limitless.

Am I suppressing those things outside the gym?
Yeah. I am.
Why?
There's no overexposure outside those walls.
Why does that have to affect who you are?
Well, why wouldn't it?

219

It's really foggy tonight. I can't see the lights above the town. It looks like the Aura Borealis (sp?) came and decided to stay awhile.I hate fog.But I'm all about the Northern Lights. It's complicated.


He stretched out my back tonight, and now things are less stiff- though still pretty sore. I wish I had my own personal assistant to pull out whenever I needed a back stretched, popped, massaged- or all of the above.

But this is pretty good.

It's been a long winter.

218

It's called a lull.
And I guess that's why the only place I feel like me is at the SARC.

I've figured out why I like it so much. I always knew, but now it's in a way that can be written down. They care about what I'm doing, and because of that they've taken the time to get to know me. They know me well enough to understand how to make fun of me without making things awkward or embarrassing, and I them.

It's a good relationship.
I can call them my friends.
And I really love the group that I'm working with.
Especially Melanie because she's at the same level as I am.


I like feeling a part of something... that's bigger than me ( that's not hard to accomplish) but sometimes it is outside of my four walls.
Life's a little bit of a drag, for no particular reason...

lull

but I'm sure somewhere down the road I understand the reason for that.
Ha!

217 {I'm a sucker for cheap thrills}

I lost another 2lbs as of Thursday. I'm not sure what actually happened but after I found that out an unstoppable binge has been present. Or at least it feels like it.

It began with last night when I ate an entire bag of... well, I'm not going to say, for fear of reoccurring nightmares and suicidal thoughts. But the point is, that I downed a whopping {{1200 calories}} in about an hour. ( This is how much I'm supposed to be eating in an ENTIRE day).
Along with everything else I ate that day, I'm sure I'd burst into unceasing torrential tears if I ever saw the final count. Then today I went out for chinese with Sarah. Why why why why why? I didn't want to eat the whole thing-I didn't- and I DIDN'T actually eat the whole thing =thank goodness=- but I didn't ask for a box until our waiter FINALLY made it back over to our table and about 3/4ths of my meal had already been devoured. Just a side note- all the people working at the chinese restaurant, were mexican. :D

I'm lucky that they serve smaller portions, but it doesn't stop there. I had a piece of pizza for lunch and to stop the thought of eating anything more, gulping and guzzling gallons (ggg)of water to fill the empty spaces has been my number one goal. It's almost 11pm and I'm relieved and happy to say that I've been thus far successful. This day needs to end.

WHAT happened?
This would require some psychoanalysis, and I'm just not feeling energized enough to make much more comment about that now.

I liked my fortune cookie... whatever {because they're never really fortunes anymore as much as silly quotes or less then sentimental advice).
However, I believe that it's true.

As for everything else?
I just drove around with Sarah listening to Ukrainian techno.
That pretty much sums it up.

216

(New Blog) I'm just gonna keep this up for the rest of the week in case anyone else wants to check it out. And to all those that DO, you should totally join in. It's going to change the world :D



I'm already behind on homework.
Seriously?
Yeah.

My social work teacher told me that when he came to USU for school he felt like a raisin in a bowl of rice pudding. He's Latino and obviously my favorite professor thus far. :D There's a girl in the class that grew up in [[Australia]]. What the? That hasn't happened before, I wanted to talk to her but she was sitting to far away, maybe on Thursday. I don't know, I don't think it's time to freak out and say that we need to be best friends, but I like having the connections that I do with people. I mean, not many people are from Australia right.. so we should be connected. And who knows, maybe she knows people I know!

Why would anyone care?
They wouldn't, unless you've all had similar experiences.

I finished 99% of my math homework on my own. I got stuck on the last problem. Daddy's watching the Cosby Show, so I'm on here waiting until it's over to inquire about his help. And there's talk about getting me a tutor, heaven knows I need it. I've already dropped one class and I must say I'm relieved. I'm bad with first impressions.. since I let them stick so permanently.. but almost masticated my fingers out of boredom within that horrible 70 min. of class.

Anyway.
Patrick and Natalie kicked my trash tonight. And gave me a bunch of information about me and my calorie intakes, deficits, what not. It was helpful and informative, but it also really pissed me off.

I. Am. An. Athlete.

There's no doubt about it. There's nothing as far as "athletics" is concerned that I feel I can't do. I feel powerful, strong, durable, and more flexible then ever before. I'm no stranger to working out. Whether it be rock climbing or competitive swimming I've always done something. And it's not like I'm someone who doesn't have much to show for it. I'm about to explain my glory days ( isn't it sad that I'm 21 and already have glory days?)

I still hold 12 records at SARC from the days when I swam for them. And that's just one pool. I hold records all over North Western United States. I hold 3 at my highschool. I attended Summer Games most years and am no stranger to competition.
During that time I never felt as good as I do now, and yet apparently I'm more unhealthy then back in those days. The numbers don't add up. But in my head they never do. How can you be fit, but overweight?
Does that make ANY sense to anyone else? I don't know, I mean I know it's all about balance and patience ( THAT'S unfortunate), but I'm getting really frustrated.
Good thing Patrick cares so much ( or acts like it) , and Natalie, and Ethan.

Sighs.

Anyways, still no job.
But I'm hopeful.

215

New Blog (because I can)
I'm joining in a project that consists of taking a picture for all of 365 days. And also explaining the signif. If you wanna check it out ( and you TOTALLY should) click HERE.

New semester.
First day of classes went well, considering. Things are still up in the air. I mean.. my pulse quickened and I started to perspire (only slightly, calm down) as I flipped to the back page of my Math syllabus. Upon skimming the list of materials and the number of problems on each page my legs started twitching. Hyperventilation. Alright, I'm exAGerating, but it doesn't change the fact that I loath Math more then almost anything on the planet (because hot dogs is pretty close to number one, along with fat slurpee straws and anything that has to do with David Bowie).

Number complex+plus a horrible retention level=hours of crying and bucket loads of tears.

My poor daddy. He has 4 more hard core Arithmetic classes to battle through with me. I'm glad that he's the one (daddy) I've got though. He gets it.

Geography will be tight.
EnvS (ugh, it was supposed to be swa-eet!)
And we'll see how things pan out manana ( I don't know how to do the squiggly over the "n"- ya know?)

Still no word back from Missy about a job (please please please please call), and I even got a little bit of a work out in after classes. I just don't get it. I didn't work out or watch my calories for 4 whole days and I didn't gain a thing. It's cool, don't get me wrong but I'm sick of seeing the same number on the scale ( I almost hoped I'd gained a little just to acquire some more motivation- then I {{banished}} that thought for good). I don't have a session with Patrick until Wednesday and Bob and Julianne is on Tuesday.

I don't really care about any of this- except the part where I need a job.
Bee bop.

214 (eating hearts and brains)

I controlled my dream last night, I'm 95% sure. It wasn't pretty. A hill with rotting vegetation. A single gnarled tree. Shovel with a fractured handle. 100 extinguished dissolving bodies beneath my feet. I'm not sure who the male was. An older man with a goatee and dark greasy hair. He made a fire, where was my husband? I knew. Beneath the decomposing mound amongst the bloated corpses. Standing up I began gliding down the hill, towards the shovel leaning against the tree. Somewhere in my subconscious I realized that within seconds I would wake up in a cold sweat feeling shaken from what I'd seen. So I forced myself to hike back to the apex and settle with the man. We sat, peering at each other for what felt like a really long while. And then I eased myself awake.

Control? Who knows.

Every time a dream like this occurs, I curse the fact that I can't paint (well, don't know HOW to paint). I keep a dream book, record everything in as much detail as I possibly can and a lot of the thoughts would make some pretty sweet paintings, or photographs, or even sketches. I don't have one of those minds that can take the picture in my head and transfer it onto paper the way that I see it IN my head. There's always something wrong with it. But I'm a fantastic copy artist. Is that considered art?

(sighs)

Yesterday afternoon Scott and I went on a small hike up the canyon. It had been a long time since I'd been up there last. Icy, glacial winds, numb cheeks and fingers. I'm not sure for how long we walked but the trip all around was about 3 hours. The point? I wanted to find out if he'd been thinking about what I nonchalantly planted in his mind 3 nights ago. Although we barely touched on the topic- I got what I was looking for. He's considering it, and I believe that the outcome- though it may take some time- will be important. [[IMPORTANT]]. Not sure what that means, except that some kind of significance is happening even though I can't see it right now.

How would I draw "significance"?
How would I photograph it?


Today?
Laundry
DC [deep clean] room/closet/carpets
DC car
Price books.
Finance
Art
Resume'

213

The most stressful part of a new year?
Remembering to write 2010 on everything.
Whose with me?

I'd like to live a life with no expectations.


His favorite kind of music is Country. Mine's HipHop. I hate Country. Mostly. I psychoanalyzed myself to figure out why. And here's what I came up with: Part of it has an environmental factor. I grew up listening to Michael Jackson and Brandy. A little Maria, and lots of Destiny's Child before Beyonce made a split (good for you B). People USE music for different things. For some it's to settle down and relax. Other's sleep. Some stress. For me it's used as fuel to power through my day. I use it for adrenaline to work out hard. I use it to pick up my pace when doing things around the house. I feel like HipHop is perfect for those things because there's a certain repetitive beat to most of this genre. A beat. I'm not saying other genre's DON'T have beats, but it's different. Anyone who loves hiphop hopefully picks up what I'm putting down.

Anyways.
I've found myself at a wall. They said to expect a low when going from such intense work outs to.. not so intense or for so long. I didn't remember that until about 2 days ago when the low hit and suddenly I had no motivation to merely get out of bed. It always hits at the most odd of times. Of course the events leading up to today have increased the drop in good mental health and activity. I don't really know what to do except work out. That's all I keep thinking about. Just how I want to run and run and run and run and RUN. And keep on running. I don't ever really want to stop. It's my flight instinct. It's all the odd complexes compiling themselves together so that internally I'm crushed.

Paralyzed.
I can't move.
It's hard to breath.
I don't have a real desire to anymore.

The other day I wished I would get hit by a train.
It's never what it seems to be, even if I hit it right on the nose! Finally I was right. But so completley not. I don't know which hurts more. I'm not really letting myself think about it, because..well, there's not much to think about.

I drew a picture of myself today. I didn't really think about what I was doing. I just let my fingers run wild all over the sketch book. I finished, closed my eyes.. opened them back up and was a little shocked. It's nothing like I've ever sketched before, but it mirrored what I was feeling inside so perfectly that I baffled myself.
I wish I felt comfortable sharing it, but I think that's a picture I'll take to the grave. Along with how many calories I consumed the other day, and the dream I had the other night. So many secrets.

a vein of music. a single tear. stitches.
It never comes together in a way that's.. real.

Always surreal.
So what about the new year? I thought that by now I'd have compiled an entire list of new years resolutions. But I haven't found it in me to try and right them out yet, because I so rarely accomplish any of them. And all the ones that I do are the ones that don't actually matter. I wonder why that happens. Insecurity? Inability? wall. barriers. a fence.

I'd like to read (script.) and pray every day this year.
I'd like to learn every Hymn in the book.
Share testimony at least twice.
Get a job.
Run a marathon.

But the one thing that I really want to have happen... I won't ever write down, simply because I'm too scared that by writing it down will somehow ensure that I don't accomplish it. Jinx.
I'm pathetic. :D

Hey DJ?
Blow my speakers up.

212

New Years.

Dance.
Fuzzy.
Slow Dance
Bed.