272 {I am in LIKE}

HA HA HA! I just had a really funny conversation with Evan.
Here we go:

Evan : "Check out this awesome authentic Mormon cookbook!" (accompanied with picture)
Me: "Do you OWN it?"
"No, I found it at Wal-Mart"
"Anything good inside?"
"Bread, soup... children and goat sacrifices"
"You sure that isn't a Jewish cookbook?"
"Yep!"
"Well sweet! Make me some dinner!"
"Goats or children?"
"Children!"
"Where do you expect me to find them at this hour?"
"A playground-they're full of children!"
"Not right now though..."
"Alright, I'll settle for a goat. But one day..."
"Don't worry we'll leave the children for a special occasion"
"Deal. Let's have one of those soon."
"Wow! I'm not ready for kids."

271

So. I think it's time for a {{vacation}}.
I've been thinking about it, and this is what I want:

To get on a plane- I don't even want to take the time to pack (pack! Yeah right! Clothes? Who needs em'?!), fly to Israel, bunk down in one of those awesome mud huts they have on the coast of the Red Sea, ya know the kind where sun can peak through every minute fracture in the structure, no windows or doors- and for two weeks all I want to do is lay stark naked in the sunshine-if I want- listen to good music, partake of exotic foods and beverages, entertain foreign attractive men, and work on some art-I'd really like to paint something I could be proud of, but I suck at it, I'd like to do some photography-sketching of course since that IS my cup of tea, and maybe some other things like making jewelery or something.

Oh. And as far as sightseeing, my only desire is to take a long stroll through Jerusalem.

270

"And I am the blue in your back alley view where the horizon and the rooftops meet"

269

I am the crummiest cook in the cosmos.
I honestly just messed up a dish of instant chocolate fat-free and sugar-free pudding.
Who does that? Me with a capital "m".

It's a 1/4 of the powder, 2 cups of milk right?
Whisk.
Then. If you like it super-pudding-like you cram it in the fridge.

Where's the disconnect?
Sheesh..

_______________

It was fast Sunday. I have a hard time sharing my testimony because the opportunities that I only ever identify AS opportunities, are the ones where I'd have to pace what feels like miles up to a smallish podium, and then goggle down at what seems like one thousand people, and THEN try to articulate things that are very {special} to me and my experiences within and outside my time in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. (Long sentence)
Thursday as I was skipping out to the bus circle the missionaries approached me. The poor guys, it must be hard in this town to try and find people that aren't members, or members that KNOW of people that aren't already. I know for me, most of my friends are in fact LDS- and the ones that are not or have become inactive are very vehement about not wanting anything to do about it. Of course this conflict was brought up with them, but only after they asked me to share what I loved so much about the gospel with them.

TREMENDOUS.

It was wonderful to have someone just ask me, two-on-one, what my thoughts and feelings were. So much more comfortable then in front of all my peers that can articulate or seem so comfortable sharing it with the masses. I just can't do it well. I get nervous and jittery, I start crying but it's not necessarily because I'm having this awesome soul moving experience-it's mostly because of worry- am I saying what I want to say? Are they getting what I mean? Is this what I wanted to express to my Heavenly Father today?
A grundle of questions that cause frustration and then the flood gate opens, I wrap it up quickly before I REALLY break down and I go back to my seat not knowing WHAT just happened.
It's very dramatic and uncomfortable.

But I had an opportunity to share it with them, and they encouraged me to write it down if I couldn't find the moment to stand up and share it.
I loved that they asked me, because it shows me what I ACTUALLY know. Ya know?

It simply makes me happy. Nothing makes me feel more at peace, like I have more purpose, like I matter , or that I'm more loved then this gospel does. When I'm doing the things I should, it doesn't mean that everything is perfect, or even just ok, or progressive and awesome all the time, but even if it's not it makes NOT having those things all the time easier to deal with and I'm able to cope-thrive. Things were so empty and dead before. I'd go out, have a great time, laugh and live it up only to find myself hours later in bed wondering why I didn't feel anything while that was going on. I was an actress, and a good one. I was there, but not here.
You always hear about those life changing moments. Lots of people have them.
And then I did.

I've always had a hard time accepting that I'm an important part of God's plan. A hard accepting that I'm an elect daughter OF him. It's easy for me to understand how everyone else is important, and how everyone else is a son or daughter that is loved. That makes sense. But it never did for me. Someone had to, in a way, command me to know that it was true of myself as well. The day I only tried to accept that was the moment for me.

And it was great.
I hear people say all the time " I don't know where I'd be without it".
I do.
I know EXACTLY where I'd be-which is a part of the reason that I will always stay.
It simply makes me happy.

I'm glad they asked me to talk about it with them, because the rest of the day it hit me again and again that I KNOW it's true. And that I KNOW it's good. So thanks missionaries!


Happy Sunday!

268

So, I guess I've become a flickr junkie.

Not that I actually USE the sight- I mean, I'VE never posted anything on there, but I really enjoy looking and browsing though what OTHER people upload and then pick out my favorites. It just gives me more ideas about how to stretch my photography because it's certainly limited. People get crazy, but I love the confidence enveloping that sight. I appreciate so many, and all of them I want to share. So if these suddenly become riddled and infested with flickr photos it's simply because I find them incredibly awesome!

The semester is winding down. Slowly yes, but surely.
With Friday FINALLY here I can say that I'm on the other side of this slippery uphill climb.
Yesterday my Social Work portfolio was turned in.
Today the personal consumption activity is off my chest.
I finally did my CPR and AED recert.
All I have left is a power point presentation for Geography, and 3 actual finals not taking place until the first week of May.

After that it's home free to sweet summer and FINALLY-employment.

---
Tomorrow, hopefully I'm yard sale exploring with Jess.

267

{{Music.}}
Sunshine.
If I could put today in a bottle and save it- I WOULD. ( that would make an interesting picture)
Today in my social work class we discussed physical and mental disabilities. He asked us if we'd rather lose our hearing or vision. That was rough, because I LOVE both so much. When it came down to it, I found myself picking hearing- but it was difficult.

As I listened in class I suddenly had the desire to kneel down right then and there and thank the God I love and believe in for my body and the amazing things it can do. I can run! And jump! Swim and fly! I have decent hearing, decent eyesight and a mouth full of working taste buds! I don't have many physical problems and I've been blessed to be healthy and strong. Of course it has it's imperfections, many in fact- but I LOVE my body so much and I'm doing my best to take care of it in the way that He'd WANT me to. It's an amazing gift, and I don't think I show as much appreciation for that as I should. I don't acknowledge the miracles it performs every single day ENOUGH. I haven't been this AWARE of it for a long time. But I am now. And I'm thankful.

266

"You should know that if I'm too busy to talk to you,
that I'm WAY to busy to talk to anyone else."

ErmK. Now I know.

Restlessness leads to lists.
So here we go.

If I could be an animal right now? MOTH.
The first thing I notice about someone-anyone? TEETH
Favorite genre of music now? HIPHOP
TV shows-now? Biggest Loser, Bones and Universal Sports (the whole channel)
Favorite food currently? POTATOES
Beverage always? WATER WATER WATER
The appliance I use the most? WASHER AND DRYER
The appliance I use the least? OVEN
Text or call? TEXT
Indoor-Outdoor? OUTDOOR
Bob or Jillian? BOTH
Anywhere in the world-right now? AMUSEMENT PARK or LASER TAG
Shower or Bathe? BATHE
A song lyric that's been stuck in my head? "What's somebody like you, doing in a place like this?"
First person to text me this morning? SCOTT
First person to send me a picture? NICOLE
Photos or videos? PHOTOS
Emails or letters? LETTERS
Early bird-Night owl? EARLY BIRD
Rich and disabled-Poor and able? POOR AND ABLE
Favorite movie right now? SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS 2
Favorite song? IMPOSSIBLE
Favorite country(ies) I've visited? ITALY/SICILY
Season? SUMMER SUMMER SUMMER
If I were a type of fruit what would I be? CHERRY?
TBC

265

Oh my gosh. I just can't stop laughing and smiling today. Time for some gratitude!

Things I'm happy for today!

Church
My comical family
Caring friends
Good NEW music
The couch that we put on the porch
The nap I TOOK on that couch on the porch
Goldfish crackers and ice water
Funny YouTube videos {Total Eclipse of the Heart-Literal Video Version}
Going barefoot/sand
Sunshine
Tan lines :D
Cute canines
Dark chocolate and peanut butter bar WITH milk (delicious)
A clean room
SPF 15
Hot showers, clean hair, exfoliated face, brushed teeth
Biggest Loser 9
Scattagories
Warm wind and the wind chimes
Awesome photos
LAUGHTER and smiles
Home.

264

So. We found the nunnery. [We FINALLY found it.]

Nicole and I headed up the canyon to do a little browsing. After driving for awhile we located the camp ground (again, finally) and started to proceed into the forest after I made sure all the doors were locked and windows up. Instantly my stomach clenched, the dark deepened, and my headlights flickered. We headed to a point leading off in three different directions. We turned to the right and came to a dead end where the car almost stalled and set us into a fit of panic, and after that we headed out because well, we didn't have guys with us. Some pretty creepy things have happened out there and while Nicole was all for heading to the left I couldn't handle it. If something happened I wouldn't know what to do!! It's not like I could save us or something, and possession is something that seriously scares the CRAP out of me.

So we headed out like I said, almost peed our pants when a deer jumped into the road because we thought it was a person at first, and then finally saw the opening to the mouth of the canyon. We attempted to find the abandoned house, but never really figured out where it was. The most information we had was that it was somehow through the street from Mike's house but.. all of the houses looked new and had lights on so obviously we were looking in the wrong place.

I'm nervous to go up there, but I HAVE to at the same time.
Evan is coming Monday? Tuesday? Maybe both days and we'll go on a mini adventure with Clayton and Nicole. I'm anxious to see what happens because with him being more than just distant this week I'll be interested to see if the spark died somewhere along the way. If it did I can console myself in the fact that it wasn't my doing. I did my best to keep contact with him, etc. Either way we'll be friends and he'll go to all the creepy places with me because he's braver than me!

School is almost finished.
I have a portfolio to hand in. A final paper. A final presentation, 2 exams, a debate and I'm FINISHED.
I have a job secured for the summer, and a couple places in mind that I could move in to.
The week after school ends I'm heading to the Grand Canyon with some friends for a week, and then to Chicago in July.
Good times.
Good times.

I'm ready!

263

"How's life?"
"Sweet. Yours?"
"Same".

I'm sick of this junk.

262

Time to paint.

262

261 (It's The Mood I'm In)

I Miss That Smile

Smile.

260 (Oh, Lately It's So Quiet)

I think I'm yearning for an ocean. It wouldn't matter which one it was. A sea. Or gulf. Or sound. Water in general, something to dip my toes in and just.. sit. I'm not waiting my turn. It's MY turn. NOW. It wasn't so bad sitting on the porous rock but I wasn't sure if I should have chatted with "anyone" on Earth. He only seems to mess things up, though I know his intentions are good-or are they? The gym has turned in to CreepVille central and I wish Patrick was back. Natalie BOSS to though. We walked down the the stadium today, and I know now that nothing will ever happen, because it hasn't happened THUS far ya know? I don't know who we're kidding, it's NOTHING but severely uncomfortable-for me anyways. I find myself MAKING myself yawn because I've got nothing to say and don't want to seem anxious. So I yawn a lot and hum to myself because he's just {there}. And what's the POINT of that?
There was never a point to just "being".

I have tan lines on my thighs and upper arms from biking and sidewalk chalking it up this afternoon. It's the suns gift to me, and I couldn't be more grateful. When I say sun, I mean Him. Forget the shade! And bring on some sunshine! Blue skies and good times! Can't wait to start work because it's WORK. Inservice CPR recert tomorrow with them. But it's alright because I'm getting paid for it. Ugh. Tax returns are a joke this year, but I'll use the money on some new workout songs, and maybe some piano stuff. Have YOU ever SEEN such a beautiful night? I could almost kiss the stars for shining so bright.

Texas.
Freak. Just come back so we can sit and chat. You're distant distant, as opposed to just.. distant. This isn't what my dream is made of. Summer moving? Maybe. I know who I am. That's it. I could search the world and never figure it out. I don't have to sail the oceans. It's not a mystery.
It's here and now. NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW. Impatient? Yes!!

Hey now. Shout! Scream! Jump.
Suckerfish! I love that smile. Technicolour.
Volleyball! We're only friends when YOU want to be. I hope one day you learn that, and then change. THAT'S what my dream is about.

-Trying To Keep My Brain In My Head-