236

I suppose it just comes down to this. A simple fork in the road. Time to be a a big girl and figure this thing out. Maybe not figure. But it's time to express what I MUST before I either pursue or move on from a situation.
I wonder if that's how it goes down for most people. You feel so good about something that despite the potential awkward or uncertainty, risk or denial that you just have to express it- get it out of your system. Then give the other person or persons a chance to digest what just happened, make a choice, and then apply action.

It's been coming for awhile. It's been a couple months at least. I thought it would go away, that maybe I'd just FORGET the way I felt while IN the situation. But I haven't. And I guess I feel I owe it to myself to either get some closure, or to walk through that sweet sweet open portal into something new and scary. A leap of faith? Is that what you'd call something like this? I guess that would mean that I really want one side of the fork as opposed to the other- and that's not necessarily what I feel. I feel as though I can do either and find success and happiness, maybe one IS more desirable then another (I don't know because where I'm at is limbo) so it's time to just DECIDE.

Maybe once I do that then the turmoil or uncertainty will go away? For good? Hopefully? Maybe? Or the awesome can envelop me. They're both good things. I love choices like this. Where either outcome is GOOD and HAPPY. So what's to lose right?


Just giving myself a little pep talk.
This weekend has been fun. Been to a couple parties, met up with some old and wonderful friends. Laughed until I've cried and recalled memories that have put me over the edge. SO much fun. SOOOOOO much smiling. My abs ACTUALLY hurt from chuckling.

Good weekend.

235

Things have been rough. I've been letting it get to me.
Time for a thank you list. So.
Thank God for:

My family and their unconditional LOVE for me. The gospel. My remarkable friends and class mates. The canines. Sunshine and nice weather. Music. music. music. music. A healthy body, and an organized life. Education and travel. A sturdy heart. Sensitivity to those in need. Trust for me and others. Honesty. Spontaneity. Pens, pencils, and paper. PAINT. Flowers and Bugs. Text messaging and smiley emoticons. Dark chocolate and grapefruit. Clouds. Card games and hot tubs. Lace and personal trainers. Photography. Dance. Conversation. Letters. Water. Faith & Hope. Literature. COLOUR. Calm. Inside jokes and double takes. Loyalty-Love. Wind. Natural phenomena. Swings and slides. Opportunity. Change and Influence. Board games and good grammer. Fair trade. Planet Earth. Laughter. Smiles. Toothpaste and Floss. Race. Experience. Affection. Openness. Democracy. Babies. Entertainment. Voice. Dating and Soup. Air. High Places. Sweat. Time. Epitaphs and Headstones. Staples. Asphalt. Hot & Cold. Magic-Miracles. Revelation/Impressions. All things that make a bed- a bed. Sleep. Trial and Error. Culture. Skin. Memory. Dots. Pearls. Satin & Bows. Argyle Print and Plaid. Much MORE.

And

234

Ridiculous.
Absolutely RIDICULOUS.

So this was the "week of dates".
And even though things didn't go exactly the way I planned (for why I thought that it would I have no idea) it was actually really fun/funny. A couple stood me up, one changed the TIME of the date withOUT telling me (???) so I couldn't go because ya know, I had ANOTHER date, with one I almost died-true story to be told later later-, one was the most AWkWARD situation I've EVER been in, and one was {{absolutely fantastic}}. And one that I thought was going to happen didn't, but he never actually planned anything it was more just me hoping that he would. Maybe sometime this week. Crossing fingers.

So I have a few rescheduled for this week, a movie night planned for Friday. Pretty sweet.

-I found a new swim suit I'm going to buy. Tonight. It's black and red and sexy all over and I'm thrilled. I have issues with swim suits, it's easy to find a training one because you don't have to worry about cut or colour- it's JUST a training suit. But with other ones its such a pain to find a flattering cut, not to high not to low, good colours, and comfort. But I found one. Give me one million dollars.
I have a meeting with my Geology professor. I don't know what it's about, but I have a thought. It might be because of my lack of commenting during class or.. ya know.. participation. This normally isn't a problem but there are some highly intelligent people in that class, and the way they're able to connect dots outside of initial problems BLOWS my mind. I leave feeling baffled every morning and anything that I could or might say just sounds STUPID. I don't KNOW as much as these people, I'm younger, all my ideas come from other classes, my initial opinions or reactions tend to be fused with religion. I'd like to feel I could contribute to the learning process, offer something up that maybe someone ELSE hasn't considered. I've traveled to a fair part of the world, had some life changing experiences while ON those adventures, experienced independence at levels few people I know have, there ARE THINGS. There must be SOMETHING I could say but for some reason.. I just can't.

I don't know how I'm going to explain that to her without sounding like a 15 year old whining about... something. I'm in college right? Buck up, bring the heat! Say something outragious and watch the world unravel or tear apart your ideas. Right? Right? Ugh.


Math test Wed.
I WILL fail it.
But I think I'll stay in the class and just try to concentrate on the concepts, really try and learn them ( at my own pace) and then I'll retake the class over the summer. We're just moving to quickly through it. I got lost 4 sections ago and everything stacks on top of each other.
I thought I was going to get a job, but the guy didn't call me by 3pm- which is when he was going to call if I DID get the job. So it's back to the newspaper and help ads to try and find SOMETHING- anything.

I've discovered something.
I love the 90's. I was listening to the radio and out of NOWHERE 3LW "No More" came on and all of a sudden I was dancing like I never have before, it was great.

I laid out today.
That was great to.


I don't like the name Joseph
If I could go anywhere in the world in this very moment it would be outer space.
My new favorite show is Bones.
Favorite comedy movie= Airplane. And I haven't seen it FOREVER.
I've LOVED hot tubbing more than sleeping the last 2 weeks.
I've blushed only twice in my life and I actually AM disappointed.


roger roger.

233

This week will be like unto NO other.
Evan, Ryan, Davin, Parker, Dustin, Garret, Brandon.

I will have 7 stories to tell once the end of the week comes. Everyone get excited because I'm absolutely SURE there will be some good ones. I'm really excited, and I hope this keeps up.

Things have been a little um..INSANE. I'm distracted from school because of all the sunshine. I can't help myself. When the sun comes this rarely you HAVE to soak it up. Needless to say I will most likely fail my Math test, and I never turned in my critical reading questions for Geography- oh, and I haven't read for Social Work. I'm on a roll- with a tan though!. I'm honestly ok with it.

I've been trying to figure out what exactly I changed to make me more.. ME.
I can't figure it out. I think it's just that I honestly thought about it and decided what I was ok with, and then cut out the things that I wasn't. And am working on the things that will never go away but that CAN be improved.

I'm all about progression- just in case anyone had ya know.. any doubts.BAH HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!


I'm loving life.
I'm so happy.
And I know that it's a blessing and a gift.
Thank YOU. -you know who you are-

232

Applied for two more jobs.
I have an application for a third.
NEED to get an application from the pool.
And need to turn IN an application.

Last night for work out we did the Army PT test. If I was ever even going to THINK about joining the armed forces I would be in category "Awesome" for fitness. Mary told me so. I ran 2 miles in under 15 minutes. Easy. Push-ups and sit-ups? A cake walk. Sprints. Perfect. Too bad I won't ever join. I am going to do a marathon though, so ... all those things should help-somehow.

I saw Patrick this morning. Working out. I don't know why, but I find it weird to see my personal trainer kicking his own trash. I guess it makes sense, but I've never seen him really.. sweat before- if that makes sense. It made me see him as an actual human being. Weird? Maybe.
I also ran into Lindsey! And it was an absolute PLEASURE to see her. I don't know what else to say about that except I haven't seen her in a good 4 years, and we're planning a little get together in a couple of weeks to really catch up. Should be good.


[r] lives by me. So I drove past his house, I haven't seen him in a few days and call this prematurely protective or care centered but I actually DO worry about him being all alone in that big house. I may not be the one to keep him company {especially with his situation being so raw} but I don't know. I just hope he's ok. It's Valentines Day tomorrow and well, that would be tough in his situation.

I really need to do some laundry.
Vacuum my room.
Applications, applications, applications.
Math homework and Geog. readings.
Possibly hang with Jarren, Tyler, and Evan later. "milk chocolate"


I really miss Meggae and Wisteria.
Suck.

231

"Line dances are for only 2 kinds of people: girls and homos"
Best quote of the night. Thank you Dav man.

230 [Non Romantic Love & Trash]

"Flowers. The one time I received them, I didn't appreciate them."

"It was always on the brink of being something extraordinary. No single touch, verbal affirmation, or written word confirmed the feelings I had- they just were, like most phenomena in nature."

"Soul holes"

It's... getting there.

229

WHAT is my problem?
Maybe it was because the work out was above the pool deck and the humidity got to me. Or the fact that I haven't been sleeping well is starting to catch up, but I simply did NOT put in my best effort at workout tonight. I felt so guilty about it I stayed an extra 30 minutes to run and do some abs to make up for my lack of intensity. I felt sullen and weepy-poor Patrick. He kept trying to make me laugh-or just smile- but the most I could do was put on my "grimace" face and have at it.

I don't understand the moodiness.
Things have been going well-right? I mean nothing tragic, dramatic, or simply stupid has happened. I've been having fun, working on my art, I've kept up in my classes. I met a guy named Murphy (aaahh yeah!) and Sean from my Geography class is really amiable. Things with [s] are going well. I'm still dropping lbs, I have a couple prospects I'm looking into. The sun has been shining more than usual ( which is ALWAYS good), I'm trying to write a story and put together some activities for my ward.. so what is the deal?

The only thing I can think of.. is I'm having zero luck finding a job and my saving are being drained.... that's it. And it totally could be the cause of this "down" feeling I'm having. I LIKE working, making money helps me feel capable of taking care of myself, independent and wonderful. I haven't had a job in months and my luck hasn't been great thus far. I just DON'T know where to look anymore.

I could start selling things.
But that feels weird.
My first set of exams are approaching, maybe the stress is starting to affect my mood?
Bah! Moods! What the?!

I have this thing for umbrellas lately.
Personally I don't get it.
I miss my friends. The ones that aren't here.

228

I'm just going to swim with the current for awhile.
Take a break.
Kick off my shoes.
Relax.

Go along with whatever life tosses at me and sprint with it.
It's mostly because I don't really know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I think I know what's going on, and what should be and shouldn't- but frankly I'm beginning to love the fact that I don't. ( or maybe I've decided to throw my hands up in be-bafflement- I'm pretty sure I just made up that word )
More possibilities? I'm comfortable right now, while entertaining one of the more uncomfortable situations presented in my life. Uncomfortable... no, that's the wrong word. It's just different.
I don't know what it means, where it's going, why it's happening, the things I feel. I don't.
But it's about what I DO know. That's my focus.

So here it is. What I know:
I haven't felt inspired to draw like this in a long time.
Or write.
Or compose.
Or sculpt. And I AM.
I have that tense feeling in my stomach of anticipation.
I have something to look forward to right now.
I'm learning new things.
I've begun a new friendship.

And all of those things.. they make me feel alive.
And I don't think that's wrong.
And what will be, will be.
And I don't care about the outcome, because it's about what's happening to me now.

Screw the past.
And the future.
They both look boring or blank.
But right now.. things are not static, and that's better than nothing.

227 {On Cloud 9}

How..appropriate.
Last night was the February formal up at the Institute. The theme: "Up On Cloud 9". I neglected to bring my camera and other essentials because jumping, dancing, singing, and twirling would be a large part of the evening (I regret that now because everyone looked dashing, and the decorations were dreamy) I'm happy to report that I fit into my dress-in FACT it's actually toooo big! and the shoes I chose-RocketDogs- were exceptionally comfortable. I take my dancing seriously. It's all about ease and agility.


In the middle of the enjoyable chaos I received a phone call from a potential interest. I dashed outside the double glass doors into the lightly falling snow. After a nice little catch up on our various activities that evening he said (and I'm summarizing) that there were things about him that he felt I should know. We haven't spent a lot of time together, and before this went any farther that he wanted to be 100% honest with me. Ok?
And then the confession.

My initial reaction? In my head.
"Woah, my respect for this guy just shot through the roof"
And my second? In my head.
"Why am I not running in the opposite reaction"
And my third? Out loud to him.
"Thank you SO much for telling me, what you just did is impressive and I appreciate it. As of now my interest hasn't changed, and I'd love to hear more about this part of your life one day"
Did I just say that out loud?

After a few more minutes of talking the conversation ended and I headed back inside to the party. The rest of the evening was spent pondering what just happened amidst the dancing bafoonery, and how I felt about it. I kept trying to {f.r.e.a.k.} myself out, but eventually I fell asleep. It's morning now (obviously) and I haven't experienced anything odd or even slightly negative. I'm not really sure what that means, except that I guess I just need to spend some time with him and decide if this is something I want to get into. It's the only conclusion I've got with this odd calm feeling.

You'd think I'd get used to it. The strange situations I continually find myself in as far as the dating arena, but every time something more interesting our OUT of NOWHERE experience happens and I'm back to writing my autobiography entitled "An Awkward Life".


And yes, that is the name of it.

226

These last couple of months have been a challenge. I've been going through this "experience" and how to describe will be difficult. I'm here to try and give my best effort.

I have this friend- don't we all?
And the relationship that we have is long lasting, there's a definite level of deep trust, and an understanding that can't be explained in English words. He's unprecedented. The type of guy that would give the shirt off his back to anyone-any place, any time. If he were in Spain, and I needed him- he WOULD fly back to America just for me [if it was absolutely what I needed]. Over the last couple of years because of distance, and the different lifestyles we've chosen to live a {gap} has appeared. It hasn't changed the exterior of the relationship, but I sense it internally. I'm not saying it's good or bad, better or worse as much as I'm just saying it's.. NOT the same.

And that's okay.
I just realized I'm not sure where this is going to go. The point is, life's been rough recently and this person - though who is NOT the reason for the difficulties adds a complicated factor which has made my life exponentially more complex in the last couple of months. I've felt alot of things- anger, hurt, discouragement, frustration and of course confusion. I've been given the gift of easy forgiveness. It's not a hard thing for me to- other commandments, principles, or morals I struggle with but forgiveness (thank goodness) hasn't been a problem.

So when catastrophe hit and I found I COULD NOT move on without an apology from this person- it's scared me. I got down on my knees crying, begging, praying for the forgiveness that I've always possessed to reembody me and free from these hurt feelings.
Please?
The answer was no. No and also you need to feel this a little bit longer. My head was turned. Isn't forgiveness what I'm supposed to feel? Isn't this what you want from me? But the answer was no, and also to blatantly ignore this person.

It hurt.
I wanted to talk them. Laugh with them. Forget the whole thing. And to decisively purposefully ignore this person when they were trying to get my attention almost killed me. It continued on for days, me asking every morning and night if I could just talk with them. No no no no no.

And then one day a couple days ago I woke up to SUNSHINE spilling and splashing all over my room and I knew the day had come. He'll try to talk to you, and this time you should let him. It happened. After staring at me for full minute this person broke down and wept in a way I've never seen ANYONE cry before. I then received the most heartfelt apology I've ever received in my entire life.

The lesson?
Well I don't believe it was FOR me at all. I think it was for him. It was interesting being used as an instrument in that way [not that there aren't lessons to be learned FOR me in this experience] and not the other way around.
We walked out into the sunshine flooding campus as we made our way to the bus.
I looked at him closely for a minute and found something in those steely blue eyes that made me realize why I'm doing what I am right now with this person.
It's because they don't know what to do- and the easiest people to hurt are those you trust the most.

Anyways.


School is going fantastically! Presentation done. Fairly certain I passed my first Math exam. I made Valentines for the elderly this morning, applied for a couple jobs and looked UP couple jobs. Lunch date with Katie and Jess tomorrow at 1:30pm, training is going awesomely, tomorrow is the "On Cloud 9" formal, and I've got another project to work on- but it's SO awesome that I can't even mention it yet! Stay tuned.

225

SUNSHINE