288

Work was canceled today.
The weather isn't even that bad. I'm just really ready to get back into a schedule. What am I going to do for the rest of the day. I wanted to work out this morning but I didn't cause I thought I had work, so now I can't go until about 6-which is obnoxious. I'd rather work out in the morning then at night.

Just bugged.
Probably cause I'm so freaking hormonal. I'm tired and I drank my protein shake- honestly it's wasn't that good but I get $30 for drinking it- and I would have done that for a lot less to.

I'm graving Parmesian (sp?) cheese?
What the crap is wrong with me.


I miss Evan. I'm so lucky to know him and be friends with him. I'm glad he makes me laugh because things are effed up right now.

287 {trippin'}

{{my favorite haunt}} A venue saturated and soaked with imagination and teeming with promise and possibility. It's INTERNATIONAL. People milling about all taking off in individual beelines and for singular and varying reasons. Funerals, reunions, adventures, vacations, employment and my personal favorite;
ESCAPE.

The colours. The gross array viewable to the human eye.
The deep blue and beige plaid on a jacket, bright purple 80's shoelaces, the vibrant red on the coffee shop sign, and the humming bird yellow of a blaring set of headphones.
Or maybe it's the sounds that get me?
All different kinds of feet making distinguishing noise. The clack of a new high heel, or thrum of a worn out mocassin. Maybe the slap of a cheap flip flop or clunk of an expensive steel toed boot. The music coming from that guys ipod or that girls mp3 player. The whirl of a blender smoothie mixing some banana and strawberries. Maybe it's the beeping of metal detectors, or the zoom coming from the carts that drive people around, the zip of people securing their briefcases and other baggage.
It could be the sounds. I guess.

Maybe the smells! A concoction of aromas all assaulting the senses at once. Sizzling cheese pizza, fried dough and pastries, warm dark chocolate bubbling and frothing with cream in a styrofoam cup, perfumes from here and other places, sweat and the smell of tile floors and cement.

The feel of things?
The cold plastic benches coaxing people to sit down, the cold metal on the drinking fountain, fingers slipping on hard plastic and paper, sliding over photographs and stamps from exotic places. Crisp green money in a fabric pouch, and chilled change to accompany it. Maybe it's the slip of the black backpack I'm wearing, or the flimsy plastic bags carrying my tiny bottles of liquid and gels.

I think it's time to make a little trip back, because it's been WAY too long.

286

The Way I See It #232
"You simply can't make someone love you if they don't. You must choose someone who already loves you. If you choose someone who does not love you, this is the sort of love you must want."

The Way I See It #17
"The world bursts at the seams with people ready to tell you you're not good enough. On occasion, some may be correct. But do not do their work for them. Seek any job; ask anyone out; pursue any goal. Don't take it personally when they say "no"- they may not be smart enough to say "yes".

The Way I See It #282
"Childhood is a strange country. It's a place you come from or go to- at least in your mind. For me it has an endless, spellbound something in it that feels remote. It's like a little sealed-vault country of cake breath and grass strains where what you do instead of work is spin until you're dizzy."

The Way I See It #280
"You can learn alot more from listening than you can from talking. Find someone with whom you don't agree in the slightest and ask them to explain themselves at length. Then take a seat, shut your mouth, and don't argue back. It's physically impossibly to listen with your mouth open."

The Way I See It #141
"I used to feel so alone in the city. All those gazillions of people and then me, on the outside. Because how do you meet a new person? I was very stumped by this for many years. And then I realized, you just say "Hi." They may ignore you. Or you may marry them. And that possibility is worth that one word."

285

Work starts a week earlier then I thought!!!-and can I just say that I am really excited to FINALLY have SOMETHING to do. I've been going crazy, and because of it I just got really sick. I slept all day and all night.
I haven't been able to find my keys though. And I need those for my car, for work, etc. My pack is in there with all my life guarding trash and I just.. need to find it- but I don't know where to look anymore. I've turned my house inside and out, I've looked between couch cushions, in my bed, I've looked in the fridge, the pantry, in the grass. Underneath my car, the microwave, laundry room and play room, my closet and all the boxes, nooks and crannies in this joint. Drawers, piano, library, purse, etc. I've looked THROUGH the windows of my car to see if I accidently left them in the ignition or something but.. they aren't there.

I don't have any spares. And I don't know how I'm going to get one. I just can't find them.
It got to a point where I just curled up in a ball and cried for like half an hour out of pure frustration and then said screw it, took some medicine and went to bed... for a couple days.

I've been reading, but mostly sleeping.
And I haven't tried to find them since.
I don't even care.
Maybe my dad will find them- how dependent is that? What more can I do if I'm just sick and aching? Ugh. I should be trying harder.

PS I finally started LOST Season 2. And it's awesome- what like.. 3-4 more seasons to go after this one.


Freak. I need some hot chocolate.

284

So I think it's time to step up the hot factor.

283

Well, there's something to work towards, and someone that's willing to give things another shot once I've gotten to a good-better- place. It certainly is some motivation- as backwards as it seems.

I mean, I KNOW it's backwards.
That's where I need to start though-back.

This afternoon was Nicole's bridal shower. The theme was Dr. Seuss so we made posters and put together some sweet finger food. We played "What's In Your Purse", took photos, colored some pictures for the happy couple and had a great time catching up with friends and meeting some of her sisters and soon to be sister-in-laws.

The problem with snack food is that you never really know when to stop eating it because-it's not an actual meal. So I think I did ok. I tried to gauge it by how I felt. Now I'm at home feeling like I've got the munchies again. I've got a pizza cooking in the oven, sipping some ice water wishing that I was on some wild adventure instead of C-Ville with nothing to do but wait for the summer job to start.

I'm sleeping and reading a lot, working on some art and just trying to stay SANE ya know?
Give me a break.

282

I've never asked for a second chance before, so things could get interesting up in here REAL quick.
Nicole's bridal shower is today ( remind me never to try and put one together again). I just do better at attending parties then planning them I guess.

And I'm good with that.

I hope we've got and remembered everything- but I suppose it's not a big deal if we don't right? Whose going to freak out-only those that know it's missing ( which means me and Sarah) and for some reason I'm really nervous about Riley (shari's man) being on time with the drinks because let's face it.. him and I don't get along.

I'm really tired.
And I feel sick.


mm mmmmm.

281

Have you guys ever just-messed up?

In any sense of that word?
Maybe you told a lie or exaggerated a tiny truth?
Acted out irrationally or said something you didn't mean?
Maybe you said TOO much on accident.


Maybe you made up a story just to make you feel better about the way things are actually in your life. Maybe you're life seemed boring, or not intense enough.
Maybe.

Maybe there's a place you go where no one knows you and you have the opportunity to be whatever you want. Maybe you'll say you have a more interesting job then the one you ACTUALLY have. Maybe you'll say you have a skill that in reality you don't but that you WANT to have.

Maybe you're just not as cool as you want to be.
Or as cool as you think you should be.

It's an interesting concept.
Every time I go somewhere new I'm not the same person as I am here-wherever that is. It's not like I consciously make the effort to "change" who I am or that I actually change anyways, and it's not because I dislike who I am or something.
I'm more extravagant or adventurous. More independent. My likes and dislikes become more extreme. I act smarter, or I just feel more intelligent.

Interesting.


I wonder why that happens sometimes.
Isn't it ok to just be.. mediocre?

280

"I felt invisible today. What IS the worth of my soul? A story of 2 pots. 1 cracked. 1 not. But I don't know how to use those cracks to my advantage. Does someone else? So much give and not enough return. "You are blessed because of you're good heart". "You'll have a restored hope for eternal blessings" I can't see it. How can He?"

279 {a sideways and upside down bit of road}

Alright, well things were really awesome while they lasted and I am 100% grateful and happy that it happened.. too bad there just wasn't a lot of chemistry- too bad that THAT'S super important right? Right?

Yeah. Right.

But it's cool, we are best friends! And it's great! Love talking to him, can't wait to hang out with him and have an awesome adventure! And it'll be awesome.

Things are good, and I have many things to thank for that.
Tomorrow will be super fun. I'm going up to the hot springs with Clayton and Nicole, and Matt's coming. He's pretty sweet, served in Australia ( so we have a little bond which is nice) and I'm excited to have some time to try and get to know him again.. because he kinda disappeared off the face of the Earth for awhile.

So tomorrow around 2:30 the adventure begins.
I'm so tired- I guess 5 hours of working off stress and frustration, and the entire range of human emotions will do that to you. But it was nice to chill with Annica and I finally got to see how Greg runs his Club Fit classes. Natalie was a gem and let me attend boot camp-the two classes in a row, and now my body is nice and sore-worked out-and feeling good.

Plus the endorphins don't suck. AT ALL.
There was some really sweet weather and I just connected with an old OLD friend from facebook so that was exciting.

The weather is good. And work is starting soon.
And there's something new and exciting in the works and undercover. For now.
So stay tuned, those of you that give a crap :)

278

So I'm thinking that I need to probably start making "to-do" lists. I don't have much to do until Memorial Day because that's when work starts. I'm not doing summer school-at least this first half-possibly the second half. We'll see. I still have to decide a few things.

Because of that I've just been sleeping a lot and worrying about things that I don't NEED to be worried about. The curse of a non busy life.

So today:
I need to hang up my laundry.
Get rid of that turquoise pillow.
De junk my room because somehow it's become more cluttered since school ended.
Vacuum and scrub the baseboards.
Wash my hair ( yeah, that's on the list)
Work out.
Clean the kitchen-that's probably a good idea.
Oh. And my car.

I'm restless, I just need to get out of town but the trip just keeps getting pushed back further and further. Last night was really fun though. I went over to Nicole's and we replanted all the plants they've been given in pretty pots and things, and then we made some nachos and watched a couple episodes of Bones. It was nice to just sit and chat. Giggle and chuckle.

Awesome.
I'm thinking about heading back up to the Burg.
But we'll see.

277

Finals ended (sighs) and I needed to get out of the valley. Sarah and I had planned on going camping down south but with work, and Health Days, and my work training schedule it just didn't work out. {Next week hopefully} So I decided to take a day trip to the Burg to see Evan. It wasn't like we didn't anything super ridiculously adventurous. I've been up there once, and it was freezing so mostly I stayed inside with friends and slept.

Yeah. Exciting.

We picked out some new specks for him when I first got down there and then took Sharla back to work. We did a ton of walking-I felt bad because of his bum foot but he seemed up for some walking-which is what we did. I really loved the Taxidermy lab, and the Art gallery they have there. It was pretty amazing, and I would definitely take a trip down with the sole focus being checking that out more thoroughly.
Lucky for me there was a farmer's market so we checked that out for few, strolled through the gardens-which were beautiful-, he showed me the old tabernacle and we went on a drive through the upper part where there's nothing but blue sky and sweet fields for miles.

I had a really good time. I think he was worried about having to entertain me, but seriously? A chill day was exactly what I needed with all the chaos that broke loose this week and it was super relaxing just to WANDER. I saw a funky hammock, we sat on some comfy chairs and he made me laugh till' I cried with his wonky contact situation. So fun. So COMFORTABLE.

Went to dinner at Fong's {which was super good} and then walked up to my car which was parked at the temple. Drove him back and I was on my way home.
Got lost.
Had to ask for directions.
But finally made it home about midnight. The plan was to come back because I had personal training in the morning (8am), and then yard sale hopping with Jess (9am) but I was pulled out of my deep sleep about 7 am by Patrick-my trainer- saying that he wouldn't be able to make it to our session. And then yard saleing was a joke except for these sweet crushed velvet chair and couches that I didn't have money to spend on, or a place to put them.
Life kinda sucks that way sometimes.

I finished Nicole's invites for the Bridal Shower, which took my entire morning.
Mailed them and went to take some things to her at work.
Came home, planned on sketching but as soon as I sat down on my bed, I lay down and was out within seconds. Literally. Didn't wake up till' about 8 and have been milling around, playing with photos, and munching on a cinnamon roll.

I'm ready to go on a drive because I feel mentally stuffed and I've got to get some of my thoughts OUT of my head. Sarah-text me back- we need to chat.

276

There's only a few things I'd like to be absolutely certain of.
And of course it's those things that you can't be certain of until a certain point.
But there's no certainty to when that point will come, but there's always uncertainty that it won't.

Call it a paranoid personal problem.
Jacked up.
Or a lack of faith.
But I guess that's what I'm feeling right now.

I reach this point every now and then where everything kind of..stops. All the goals and ambitions, securities and safe blankets stop doing their jobs and I'm left in the dark fumbling for a time or two-freaking out because I can't stand the static. I hate not being able to hear anything. Not understanding, and not progressing. And I guess when outside forces stop swaying and spinning my insides start doing that instead.


Is it that way for anyone else?

I'll try and find a quiet spot where I can just let it all out. Whether that means blasting music till' my ear drums burst, screaming till' my lungs give out, or crying until I just CAN'T anymore.
I've heard that works for some people but it NEVER does for me. It seems like no matter how long I sit still in one place and just try to FEEL whatever it is I'm supposed to that those impressions never come. It's a rare moment when I KNOW something for certain. Sure, I feel good about things. I know when something is "good" or "ok" for me, but it's vague and as soon as I get that feeling the doubt starts to creep in and nest and I can't tell if it's ME or something else.
All chaos breaks lose.

Things fall apart.

I fall apart.

And then I'm back to a place where I have to struggle to find self love, because I don't FEEL loved after those moments. I know they come for everyone. It's a comfort to know that I'm not alone but we all yearn for those moments where things will just WORK OUT-whatever that means dynamically. I feel greedy. And that's not what I'm actually trying to go for, I'm just looking for some understanding and insight. I'm looking for some answers and a kind of happiness that I haven't seemed to find yet. It's not that I'm unhappy-that's CERTAINLY NOT the case. I'm thrilled to be alive and doing and experiencing all the things that I AM. i AM. i PROMISE.

I'm afraid.

There are NO monsters under my bed, or hiding in the back of my car. There's no one lurking ain the alleyway or stalking me up the back stairs. It's not the dark, or the cold, or that eerie noise of wind zipping it's way down the vents. It's everything inside. Not outside. I can see everything outside. It's there in color, in texture, in tangibility.
I can hold it.

I can't hold things.. inside.
But everyone else seems to be able to.


I'm exhausted. I keep having dreams about being half blind-which is ironic because I AM half blind. I'm burnt out, over trained, and in need of some sweet sweet SWEET clarity and a healthy does of "brave" to do what I want to do next. What I need to do next. But not for me. For someone else. But I don't know how it will affect ME.

And if I can't keep things inside.
What's going to happen?

275

I don't know what to do.. so I'll just keep kickin' it.

274 {be the change you want to see in the world}

It's Sunday afternoon. ( a late post, I wanted to finish it)
What the?
I've been feeling sick as a.. sick person all day long. Mostly comatose, perusing Goblet of Fire, texting friends and snuggling with the canines. My stomach is unhappy, mystifying headaches and weird sinus pressure- muscle tension- most of it I'm accrediting to {{allergies}} (get your prescription Chels) but the rest I'm not sure. Maybe the Iraqi food we consumed last night? It was the first time I've ever eaten lamb...

Freak. Who cares.
I've had some time on my hands (time.. on.. my.. hands- good sketch idea) and I decided to write.
About what? I was thinking about all the chums that really just seem larger than life to me. I asked Evan for a topic while brainstorming-cause he's sweet like that- and he said "Aliens?". The irony made us chuckle. Him first. Then me.
So here I am, blogging about aliens.

The first one?
Well, the one who provided the thought- that seems appropriate.
So Evan. "the" Evanator".
Evan is an alien because he has an incomprehensible heart of solid, untainted, GOLD. I don't understand it. I find myself thinking about it all the time because my head can't wrap itself around something that incredible. It's not just to me that he's shown considerable kindness and intense respect- but it's a way of life with the way he communicates and interacts with his family. And I'm 100% sure that's how he is with everyone. I wonder what makes him that way- that good, that reasoned- is that something natural, or does he have his wonderful family to thank for all the common sense he's gained and learned to use? Either way Evan is larger than life- and an alien because of those reasons.

He reminds me of daddy.
He's second on the alien list (but only because Evan was the one that provided the thought)
My dad. MY daddy. DADDY. He is UN-FREAKING-REAL. I've never seen him lose his temper. I've never heard him say a bad word about anyone (alright, except maybe Obama but who would blame him?). He is honest and wise and wonderful- and I love the way that he treats mom. I'd be lucky to find someone like my dad to make a part of my own branch of family, and I really hope that I can be deserving of that. He's smart and funny, everyone loves him-myself included and he deserves every happiness this world has to offer. I don't know how it happened for him. He came from a poor family and a hard childhood. He didn't learn from HIS dad, because I know there was some struggle there but he's managed and is one of the most important people in my life.. FOREVER. Daddy- you ARE an alien.

the Kemptons-ARE aliens.
Ah! I love Jess and Jason! I don't know how to explain why they are-what they are-but they just ARE. I haven't met another 2 people in the world that love each other more (with the exception of my parents) and that love others just as much. Everyone is worth something to them. They always point out the good things, they never talk down or diminish anyone-even though in their circumstances I figure they'd have the right top (horrible as that may sound). They love their friends like family and no one is ever forgotten. You know you're getting the honest to goodness truth when you confide in them, and they are ALWAYS willing to help out someone less fortunate than they are. I'll never forget the day that Jason bought me an apple along with other sweets because he knew that I was trying to be healthy- I want to be like HIM and remember things like that because I honestly felt more cared about in that moment that several others.

Meggae. ALIEN is written all over that girls face.
She knows why- and it's not something I can articulate correctly into words but.. we know.
Soul mate 4ever baby!

Some other people that just stand out to me right now is:

Jarren Poulsen
Mike Goonan
My sister Talisa

273

It all started with a Kohls $10 gift card.
It was free, arrived in the mail-a surprise! I should be excited right? RIGHT?!? But. What was I going to do with it? It's always a dilemma when I get "free" money and I HAVE to use it by a certain time or else I lose the "free" money. So of course I waited to the last day because of COURSE the one week that I don't actually need anything-or don't need anything from Kohls I get this. How do they always KNOW!?

So I thought about what I would do before I went into the store because I knew my options would be limited-and I tend to just wander around aimlessly for hours if I don't like.. maybe some kind of plan. Socks? A couple pairs of cute panties? 2 pairs of flip flops? Jewelery? Maybe a belt or scarf? Wait- spring is coming-what the crap would I need a scarf for? I got it! Maybe I could use my $10 gift card- to buy ANOTHER gift card that I could use whenever I want this year?


Yeah.
Tried running THAT by the lady and she said "no" and looked at me like I was a //freak show\\ Well, she may have got that right. So there was the pressure again.

I wandered around in there for about {{2 hours}}. Some of that I accredit to bumping into Nichelle, who was looking for a cute shirt for a hot date with her fiance'! I'm so proud of Mike. Because sometimes I feel like dating stops for some people once they get that beautiful ring on the left hand. But that's besides the point and not at all on topic. I tried on ugly flip flops that they hadn't managed to sell to anyone else. Big fluffy scarfs that I'd only need if it was mid-winter in the North Pole- wait- it's always winter there.. I looked at kitchen things, maybe I could buy a spatula?

Ugh. Well I ended up in the jewelery section checking out the bohemian items. Yeah.
Yes I bought some earrings. Why? I don't know? I have PLENTY of earrings. I didn't even REALLY want them, they were just there and I HAD to spend the money.

Ugh.
Don't get me wrong. I'm wearing them right now. They dangle- a turquoise bead is separated by copper and the bottom part of the earring is mustard yellow with some kind of sweet design engraved in it. Freak. I'll just post a picture but.. yeah.

I got a lot today though, despite the stress.
I deep cleaned the kitchen ( which now is already a TOTAL mess)
I cleaned the mud room, organized shoes, and threw out all sorts of things since my mom was gone ( she's a packrat, but she'll never notice all the things I got rid of).
I swept and scrubbed, scraped AND I cleaned out the fridge- it was a daunting task but I managed.
Cleaned my room.
Made birthday sugar cookies for Scott ( he acted like a freak show about it-hm?)
Ran 10 miles. YES I DID IT!
And now I'm chillin' eating Iraqi food and watching bones on nbc.com
And writing on this.
Texting the Evanator.

It's been a good day.
It certainly has.