472

I will win this contest.

471

470

So much just happened in the last 24 hours my brain is going to explode.

469

468

467

{I've figured it out.}
After weeks of wondering, questioning, doubting, worrying, thinking, not sleeping, crying, laughing, wishing, struggling-surviving-I have it figured out. All my prayers are being answered. In the most astounding ways. Everything is becoming so much clearer to me than it has in such a long time. There's not as much fog and I'm sure I now know what's been going on.

This is going to be a long post.
And I realize that on my blog I talk a lot about my own self discovery (duh), and I analyze everything (obviously), and it's all subjective for me (of course), and none of you (if anyone even reads this anymore) could possibly understand the significance of all these things to me (yeah). So I'm not asking you to stay. This will be ALL about me. It's my blog, deal with it (or don't)
So take some time now to navigate to another page unless you're strangely interested. You might get to the end and realize how much time you wasted otherwise. And no, that won't be my problem. You've been warned.

{I'm more.}
I'm not comparing to anyone.
I'm not contrasting with anyone.
Just with myself.
And I've realized that
{I'm more.}

I've repressed.
I've settled.
I've created a comfortable nook that conforms to the place I'm in.
Life is working me.
Geographically.
Academically.
Spiritually.
Physically.
Passionately.
Anything with a "ly" at the end.
I've settled.

Along with repressing, and settling, I've been....waiting.
What happened to the Chelsea that used to make things happen, as opposed to just waiting for things to happen? What happened to making LIFE work for ME.
{Refer back to repressing and settling for the answer}

I sat up last night and the thought
"What in the world have I been doing?" raced through my mind over and over again.

I'm happy with where I'm at.
And hopeful about what is to come.
I'm content.
And excited about the future.
It's not that I dislike my space and place.
{I'm here.}
And I've been good at being HERE. {Here in all those "ly" ways}


But {I'm more.}
{I'm more} than what I've been doing.
Geographically.
Academically.
Spiritually.
Physically.
Passionately.
Anything with a "ly" at the end.

It's not about anyone else.
Just me.

Why couldn't I be an LDS woman, but still be a capitalist and a democrat?
Why couldn't I actually finish school, get a degree, and find a really good career- and also be a really good wife and eventually a mother?
Why couldn't a find a life for myself out of Smithfield and still keep and be true to my roots?
Is there anything wrong with having the high expectations that I have for myself?
I CAN be into cage fighting and martial arts but still cry when I see roadkill.
I can be an environmentalist but think that recycling in UT is for chumps.
I can be competitive but intuitive at the same time.
Aggressive but feminine.
Powerful but submissive.
Sarcastic but sincere.
Excessive but genuine.
Wealthy but humble.

Can't I be BOTH of these people?
Yeah. I can. And I know that. But I haven't been letting myself. It might be because I'm more insecure than I thought, it might be because of social pressure (the pressure I've made for myself), it might have happened unknowingly and now it's time for me to KNOW. I really don't care about the reason why it could have. Just that it did.

I think I've been trying to separate and compartmentalize 2 very different aspects of my life, but that's not going to work. I have to find a way to marry those 2 ideas, because then in that sense I'll be the "more" that I know I am.

Had a really great chat with Nicole last night.
She asked me some questions about my dating life; the past, present, and future. Talking to her everything that I've been thinking about, in that area, came spilling out. Things I've never said out loud. Honestly. And truly.

I've settled in that area.
Which is perhaps why all the really stupid things that happen in my life, are in THIS part of my life.
Which is AWFUL.
I date guys that, while I'm attracted to their wit or intellect, I'm not attracted to them physically.
And I never figure that out until way past the point of where I SHOULD have figured it out.
I'll never forget (M). Extremely serious relationship, but we weren't physical. He leaned in to kiss me and I freaked out. Realized that the idea of being intimate with him in that way was absolutely {{{{repulsive}}}} to me. I'll never forget (E). Same thing. So smart, and honestly the most comical guy I've ever met (IMPORTANT). When it got to the same point-again-almost lost my mind because the idea of doing that was so horrific.

What's wrong with me!?
Right?!
I'm looking for someone who is HILARIOUS. Someone who is INTELLIGENT. And someone I can COMMUNICATE with. If he doesn't have those things I am NOT interested. Maybe I have a hard time putting those three things into someone who is INCREDIBLY attractive-to me-. Do I just not see it? Do I not believe that all those things are possible to be puzzle pieced together?

I can have the career that I want if I'm willing to work for it. I don't have to settle for some run of the mill job that will be something that I HAVE to do instead of what I WANT to do. I don't have to settle, for this.

In all of those "ly" ways.
I can have what I want. And more.
Because I am.

It can.
And I shouldn't settle.
The whole thing has made me realize just how much confidence I LACK in this area.
But I'm going to work on that.

Because it's not just this.
It's all those "ly's".
{I'm more}

I'm attracted to vibrance, original thought, differences, thinkers, questioners and doubters, holding your own, authority and prestige, career, country, expression, sarcasm, workers and movers, passion, life experience, inappropriate jokes and behavior, journalism, why smart people do dumb things, progress, going above and behind, the unpredictable and breaking the mold, art, irony, inside jokes, man purses, sweat and callouses and scars, hate and love, letting go, letting in, lace and barbed wire, miracles, initiating change, face to face conversation, exploring, realism, the demographic divide, race, roots, core values, alternative views, original thought.

And I can have all of that.
Because... {I'm more}
And I don't need to settle.

I CAN do what I WANT to do.
I have the power to make that happen.

466

{Bringing back the fitted sweater.}

I'm not to0 picky.
An abandoned stairwell.
Outside.
Inside.
Both.

Looking for an unoccupied space, to occupy.

465

GUGFAW

464

yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

463

{Life: lookin' good...loooooookin' good.}

Set up with a contact at National Geographic. Yep. Happening.
Discovered "LessThan3"-Oh gosh. GTE
Rediscovered Peter Fox.
Business is picking up. Thank goodness
Oscar; no longer squealing like a little girl. Relief.
Art supplies- In.

May I be busy the rest of my life.

Free write:
synthetic noise, dance, kitchen line, clocking in, coffee, so much coffee, white, please, sprints, sweat vs. strength, 2 week journal, relay, Logan-Jackson, 30 day challenge, over, pro peace, stop the clock, satisfied, chump change, sourkraut, techno vs. trance, pop, lock, drop it, uffie, glock glock, bass, pull it back, eyebrow, twisted, poetry, self portrait, becoming, identity, carefree, flipped ear, 86 THE RIBS!, "damn", pacing, presentation, too many pencils, pens, $12.00, happy.

462

Yes.
I shamelessly stalked around FB looking for a profile.
And when that didn't work I looked up my Uni directory, scoped it out.
It's okay, because there's no way in heaven or hell that THAT would ever happen.
That's me, justifying my actions.
Yep.
Justified.

Saw this:


Giggled.
I'm all about novelty specs.
Looking for some yellow ones.

Drunk table tonight.
They really tipped me, really well. I didn't do badly overall though. Most money I've made in one night-thus far-at this job.
I can't wait till we can sell alcohol (tip increase-bah! That's what she said! anyway)-is that wrong?

461

While trundling down to the stadium on the Evening Express I watched as the lady sitting kitty corner to me put her huge purse down on the floor, slipped her hand inside and pulled out a Big Gulp 7-eleven container, full, I'm sure, of some sugary caffinated beverage. She took a few swills the quickly shoved the thing back down into her purse.

I think she was embarrassed?
I was just baffled that a thing that size could FIT in a purse.
And just that it WAS in her purse.
It was the size of a medium-ish child.

Amazing day.
Institute.
INSTITUTE.
Seriously.
Mind blowing.

ENVS. Professor-Lane- is...
Well after class today he pulled me aside. First of all, I've never introduced myself to him (I always DO introduce myself to my professors, but I just hadn't gotten around to it yet), I haven't thus far participated in class discussion (trying out theories or giving my own perspective), all that being said I was surprised when he called me-by name.

At the beginning of the semester we had to fill out little index cards that would tell them a little big about us. What year we are in school, what career we're pursuing, the places we've traveled-and why- etc. He wanted to talk to me about what I put down as a career I might want. Working for National Geographic. I had a really great chat with him about how to go about doing that. He's gonna set me up with a couple contacts and said I should just start writing some things down about the experiences I've had, the people I've met, just to get some sample material. It was really encouraging to have him be so interested in what I wanted to do. And that he took the time to learn my name and recognize my face so that he COULD chat with me about it.

Swa-eet I tell you.

Huge














gap in between classes.

Met up with Nicole and talked about sexual fetishes people have (she took Abnormal Psychology so she knows all about it). It's cool. We talk about everything.

We got up to head out separate ways-she was off to class-I was heading down to Home Depot to pick up a yardstick. Left my ipod on the couches. Didn't realize it until about an hour later (I'm at Borders by the point getting ready to study) when I wanted to listen to some tunes. Panicked. Headed back up to school, dread weighing heavy in my stomach "what are the chances that it's still there?". Made my way all the way back to the couches and BING. There it was. The headphones all wrapped neatly around the little musical package of joy. Said a prayer of thanks then headed over to the Fine Arts building.

We drew milk cartons.
HA!

460

Kiss From A Rose. Seal.
Lovin' on that song lately.


Later
Evan:

"Conversationslaughter"

459 {I believe in discussion}

It's really hard for me to think about "Cathedrals" and not paste a religious image, experience, or word to it.

I had a rough time reading and understanding the story. I didn't...get it. Was super confused by why only 2 people were actually named in the novel and really couldn't wrap my head around WHY a story like that was written.

After having this awesome discussion in class the whole thing really came together and the story was actually incredibly enlightening.

I believe in discussion.

458

Excuse me for having my own ways of dealing with things.
Excuse me for having methods that are not YOUR methods.
Excuse me for having weak moments.
Heaven forbid I should be human.



__________________________________________________
In Relief Society we discussed Sacrifice. When asked if we knew anyone that had sacrificed for the Lord my mind went instantly to my parents. Just married, new converts, flew to New Zealand to be sealed in the temple there-then off on the 3 month honeymoon back packing around Europe (my parents are legit). Later feeling impressed to move to North America which meant leaving behind all their friends and family to come to this foreign place with literally no money. And if they had kids they knew that they wouldn't have any close aunts, uncles, cousins, or grandparents. They struggled once here and once they started adopting kids that remained the same. I remember us not having enough money to even eat meat. I'm not sure how confident they were in the Lord looking out for them with such a major change. But I look at the life they have now- and me being a product of it (even if it's a little indirectly) and I don't think they'd go back and do things any differently. They could have stayed in Australia, my daddy would be making WAY more money than he is now and they would've had more time for travel ( which they love)- but I'm confident that my parents don't see us children as trading down, or the home they have, or the job my father has. I know they love us, and we are what they want. My daddy is successful at what he does, we have a home to live in and food to eat. Clothes to cover us and amazing opportunities to become educated. They've even helped us out when it comes to our own travel adventures that we want to do.

I don't know what I'll be asked to sacrifice next.
I don't know where those things will take me. I can't say that I'm confident right now. Or brave. Or even 100% trusting in this moment. I think that's okay as long as I'm working towards that. I want to be the type of person that would give up absolutely everything for the Lord. But it's something I almost fear writing down here because of what test will be next.

I know the Lord knows me better than anyone. But I also know that Satan knows me also. Things are concentrated lately. And everything that I love, or admire, things that I want, good experiences that I've had-I feel like he's taking all of those things, twisting them and throwing back in my face. This has happened a lot lately-to a point where I can't say I recognize myself.

Scenario 1:
I want to be a good friend to someone ( it doesn't matter who). So let's get this person into her life in way that she's trusting- then we'll flip the switch and pile on some despair to make her feel really awful about something that really isn't a big deal-and just part of life. Oh. And then let's remind her of how many times something like this has happened in the past, just for good measure. Oh. And then when she tries to talk to her friends about it they'll be super detached and apathetic just to really bring things home. And once home she'll sit and wonder about all the things that could possibly be wrong with her and all the things she's done in the past to MAKE all those things be wrong with her. That way she'll detach herself from all the people that she could call her friends, her family, her parents. She'll stop doing all the things that really make her happy, and eventually it'll become to hard for her to even begin to think about possibly trying. And we'll just keep reminding her over and over and over till she's completely broken and alone.

If she tries to make it out of that whole-repeat process.


Sighs.


Talked to Evan, he said I should figure out what it is that I really believe in.
Not the things I know. Because those are things I know.

I've been thinking about it for a couple days.
I believe in people- but it's vague.
I believe in original thought-but that's also vague.
I believe in working.
In being a good daughter, a good sister, a good aunt, a good friend, a good coworker, a good student, a good citizen, a good influence for change.
I believe in the meaning of my name: being a safe harbor.
I believe in chances. Whether it be second, third, fourth, fifth, etc.
I believe in being kind.


Not sure how any of this helps me. Haven't thought that far about it.
Maybe it's given back some of my foundation. Repeating who I am over and over again helps to ground me again. And I start to see a flicker of recognition in myself. I think part of being me is finding ways to accept over and over again that the balance I feel I need in my life will always be a little off. I've been okay with it in the past, having a hard time with it now, but because I knew I once embraced it I can keep working towards having that "okayness" again in the future.

I think it's time to step back.
I think I've been unconsciously embodying those around me that are having a negative impact on me for whatever reason. Or maybe it's my fault that I've allowed that to happen. Either way. It's time to recoop and get back to place where I was a couple weeks ago. And then go further.


So what do I want to do? What's Chelsea?

I want to live what I know and believe.
I want to be happy.
I want to organize.
I want to succeed in my classes.
I want to get to know the people around me on sub levels.
I want to do my best at work.
I want to serve.
I want to keep singing even if it's cloudy and gray outside.
I want to be responsible.
And I want to be kind.

puzzlepiecing.

457

Saw this on someone's FB status:

"Generally speaking, we take some responsibility for the way we're treated".



Really hate-dislike-loath that quote.
Just had to get that out of my system.


Saw this one tumblr:


This one made up for the sucky one.
Long night.
Off to pass out.

456

Back to taking things day by day.

Mummy sit ups are my favorite.
Good music.
I'm glad he's encouraging when I'm so DIScouraged.
Thanks man.

Last night.
Sucky section.
$21.00
False concern.
Best part was getting to know Nicole better.
Love Kels.


Walking out to my car I realized how ghetto it is out there, and how it feels like me. The theatre sign missing letters and turning colors of an old system. Loved it.

Ate too much once home.
Remembered that I saw Daniel at the gas station. A friendly embrace.
I wish it mattered.

Clair and Cliff helped to salvage the rest of my evening.
Took me forever to finally fall asleep.

Reading Guns, Germs and Steel.
Almonds, Zebras, and Bad Marriages.
Also read Cathedral- which bothered me.


Going back to bed.
When I wake up I'll try again.

455

The end of week 1. Already I've heard some of the most amazing and lame comments I've ever heard while attending my classes.

For example:

"We all know that most cults start in California."-remarkable.
I also heard this great mythology : "Ghandi freed India". I've heard others like "Abe Lincoln freed the slaves". So everyone else that played a part just.. doesn't matter right? Am I even IN college? And who WERE the "founding fathers" anyways?

Oh yeah, this was really great also. I walked into my Political Theory class to see this list up on the board:

Washington
Hitler
Voldemort
Ronald Reagan
FDR
Obama
Martin Luther
Jim Jones (those of you who don't know who this is...preeeety interesting fellow)
Joseph Smith
Oprah

The question above it read : "What do all these people have in common, besides being people?"
The answer was that they were or are all charismatic leaders. I loved that Voldemort was tucked in there. But was a little disturbed to see that Joseph Smith and Jim Jones were in the same litany together. Also, felt a little weird because I disagreed on America having the best government. In my own opinion the thing WRONG with the US is that are constitution was written for people that lived over 200 years ago. I'm not NOT patriotic but.. come on- It's 2011 and we haven't adjusted our system??- I find it outdated. In a perfect world I say all hail Canada for having the greatest system yet! One that really caters to their citizens.. OH CANADA!

As far as professors I've got:

1 who cried in the class day one.
1 who paces and is obsessed with coffee-pacing-yeah-that'll drive me nuts
1 whose traveled the world and was in the Peace Corps-super legit
1 who told me that "Ghandi freed the slaves" and made me respect him less.
1 who knows how to teach Gospel Doctrine better than anyone I know.

Clubs I've joined?

College Democrats
USU Storytellers
Habitat for Humanity
Black Student Union
and a Creative Writing Club

Clubs I'm considering?

Aggies for Africa
Friends for the Elderly
Serve Other and Find Yourself
Independent Music Club
and Utah State Film


Should be an interesting semester. The goal is to be super involved, survive the semester, then if everything is a "go" my parents are sending me back to Australia to finish up my schooling and possibly begin my life there.

Along with all that I've got a video project that I really want to get working on, and have it be something that can take me somewhere, and work-tonights gonna busy-hopefully end up rollin' around in the green :D Also all my current church responsibilities.

Feels good to be going all day long again.
I think I need a 2nd job.

454

Lesson for today:

If you don't want something embarrassing about you spread around (especially if it's something TRUE), avoid doing those things that could humiliate you. Duh.


Moments in English:

"scratching apparatus"

453

452

Music as religion?

Y think
O know
U rself

451

"I just wanna dance.
I don't really care."
-Rihanna

Tried and failed to quell the revolution.
The conclusion?
That it doesn't matter.
The question doesn't even matter.
It doesn't matter what I do next.
Whether I'm one thing, or another the outcome remains the same.
Everything I know, I've always {known.}
Nothing's changed.
All the work I've tried to do?
All the "progress" I "made"?










REDUNDANT: in every. single. way.

What next?
Doesn't matter.

450

Heather put it perfectly.
Enigma.

I think I just became a political supporter of capitalism.
Does that make me a capitalist though?
And how that changed the perspective on my entire life, overnight, is something I'm still trying to work out.

I know there's a system.
I know people cheat the system.
I've never tried to work as a component OF the system though.
No. That's a lie. I have.
But I've never tried to work it completely to my advantage.

That starts tonight.

So tonight I'm turning my brain off and am going to be one rock star waitress.
Show me the money!

449

{Mmmm, you know what else I noticed about you..? You're so humble and ..MODEST}

I accompanied him to Taco Bell. I've never eaten there, but let us be honest together-I haven't been MOST eateries in this valley. And certainly not if the words "fast food" could be associated with them. He made the comment that he really admired the people that worked there because "they have nothing but are still working hard". I said out loud that "Well, someone has to do it." And I'm sure I sounded disdainful unintentionally.

But for some reason what he said really got my noggin crankin'.
I've had some kind of job since I was 12 years old. My first job? Working out at the American West Heritage Center. Since then it's been a cornucopia of different jobs. (I'm a little ADHD about it and tend to get bored after about 4 months). The longest I've held a job is 9 months. It happened twice and that was pretty unique.


I was thinking about all the really awful jobs I've had (most of them involving food-we all know I have a thing with food) and I realized something quite spectacular about myself. Even during those times when I've had really stupid jobs-it was always better than having no job. My last job (before I acquired my current job) ended in September. I didn't have a job from then until about 3 weeks ago- and it was AWFUL. Any type of job would have been better than having the feeling of not making money for myself and not feeling productive in society.

And while I don't think that was the motivator behind me taking this job (Pretty sure I only took this one because the Lord told me I should) was because I just WANTED ONE SO BADLY, I do know that it played a small factor in some way.

It's so much better to have a job, then not. No matter what the job is.
That was a surprising thought to come to me-a pleasant surprise because I really didn't think that I was like that.


That being said, I took the job which I have currently.
I dreaded it. Cried my eyes over it. Really thought I was going to hate my life and be done with it in 2 weeks. Felt really insecure. Just.. no good feelings came when I was thinking about this option. I actually decided NOT to take the job and if you can imagine I only felt worse. So I went back and tried to work things out with the company and it did work out.

I've worked there for 3 weeks, and I'm baffled to say that things have been good. I actually felt excited to go to work the other day. I'm not making much money (which means I'm looking for a second job), and I don't really know why I'm supposed to be here, but I do know that taking "leaps of faith" has never been an awesome strong point with me but I did this time and it's good. I still don't know why. But it is. And I'm glad that I overcame that fear in this situation. Let's hope I can do it for the next time one like that comes up!

448

So it's festering.
And the only way I really know how to stop that is to just be honest.


Woot! Attack of honesty.

447

FBing with Jarren:

"So sprout, how have you been?"

"I've been good. just sitting here eating my swedish fish. That's the closest thing I've had to a romantic life here"

I don't know what I felt more like doing at this statement, laughing or crying. Or both.

446

This will hold dear and strong in my memory for quite some time.
Maybe it was the utter surprise that it took me by.

I. DON'T. care. WHAT. it. was.
JUST. that. it. WAS.

Happy in so many ways, and totally going to enjoy and hold onto THIS moment.

445

Dinner is on me tonight!
Jamaican Jerk Chicken Kabobs. With a papaya dipping sauce-possibly. IF I can find our wooden skewers somewhere.

inspire wire.
blanket for Azraylea.
cleaning
volunteer project for Jbaby.




Lots of thoughts last night:

Things I bring to the table?
Trying to find the reason for WHY I'm the way I am.
Found SOME reasons.
Stayed up till four.
Read, studied, wrote, thought some more.

hidden talent
why it's hidden
how to let the light that i have, allow me to be the light that i want eventually.

people who are larger than life.
why i want to have certain characteristics, and does it matter

me, but not pieces of everyone else. just me.

where i want to go
the beginning of a plan
trying to line up my ideas with His.

remembering
having to remember over and over again
the e. perspective.
what i could be doing more of now

14,000 things to be happy about.


long night.

444

EXPLODE!

443

{New Years Eve Adventures!}

Gym. Haven't been in a bit because of an inflamed left patella, and my right ankle has been recovering from a sprain that took place whilst playing FHE dodgeball (naturally). It was torturous, and I felt bad because he (Patrick) had to adjust all the exercise to accommodate my current situation. But whatever, it's what he gets paid to do right? Ha. So we've set a couple of goals for January.

After that I came home and watched this adorable little mench for a couple hours:
This is Emma. {look at that puzzable face} So well behaved and already a stand up comedian. She placed the grilled cheese sammy I made for her ON top of her head and giggled like a maniac. SO funny. She also kept trying to mimic our dogs (barking and whining), and danced to the Wiggles- AND while her parents left her with numerous FisherPrice toys all she wanted to do was play with a piece of purple yarn-all afternoon.

Presh.
And then before I knew it, it was time to jet on over to the Freeman's. We played Kinect-um, it was super weird, but super cool. Robot. That's what I kept thinking "Robot. This thing is going to come alive and take over planet earth". Futuristic technology, it also reminded me of Born Identity-not too sure why but.. some things you simply can't explain. Sarah and I did the dancing battle (so did alot of people), super awkward but I totally kicked trash at "Pon De Replay" against Sarah, and rocked the house at Beach Volleyball.

Um. Really want to play again!

While at the party I got a text from Heather about some DANCE party further up on the east side. We headed up there, it was in a HUGE garage, funky lights, great music, funny people, lots of dancing. Totally broke it up! Danced super hard ( way sore today). Had the countdown, watched some fireworks then had to head back to Katie's really quick to find Zach's wallet.

Found it.
I witnessed a miracle the beginning of 2011. Pretty good way to start it out I'd say.

This morning I've gone through journal entries of 2010- pretty rough year or maybe it just seemed that way because I tend to write when things are either really good, or really hard. But looking back I've come up with my resolution. I've been thinking about it for a couple days because ....while I tend to make new resolution on a daily, and sometimes hourly basis I always try to make 1-2 that I can really concentrate on for the year, while maintaining all the ones I made and accomplished or got further to this last year.

After I made my resolution, I picked up my scriptures and began reading.
I came across this little number after a few minutes:

D&C 108:3
"And arise up and be more careful henceforth in observing your vows, which you have made and do make, and you shall be blessed with exceedingly great blessings"


I hope I am more careful.
2011, I welcome you with open arms!