588

Yep. Can't come home without someone bothering me about something or other. It's just reaffirming that I can't move home. Might move in with Cristian if we can't find a place we can pay for in the next couple of weeks, but truth is I don't really want to live with his family either. And he doesn't either. He said he'd pick up another job here if that's what I want and he'll be the supporter for awhile. I do eventually want to get a job so I can help us out but I think I'm down and out for about the next year. That seems like a really long time. We'll make it.


Heading down to O'ville to purchase new red boots! And some other unmentionables. It's going to be a good Hallow's Eve. Mum made chocolate covered pretzels. Sighs.

587

Going through a rough patch. With myself.
Just still trying to figure things out. The cold dark weather is coming on, so I know less than happy feelings about everything are partly because of that. Being really hard on myself. Not taking the best care of myself-as far as self love and respect go. All I wanna do is talk about it, but there's no one I can think of that could really understand or care about what I'd have to say. I talk to God a lot. But he's not sitting with me in my room talking to me face to face. Sure we can talk spirit to spirit but I just want something I can touch. Something. Someone.

I was told writing would help me.
And it has, if helping means every time I sit down to let out some thoughts and feelings my keyboard is drowned with tears. I'm not meaning to repress everything. I've always been really honest and open about how I feel about different things. With this though, for whatever reason I feel as though I have to do it alone. And it's driving me crazy. And I've started treating the people I care most about, badly. I wrote Cristian a letter the other day and left it on his gaming chair. He read it but didn't understand why I was apologizing for my behavior, which just made me burst into more tears.

He's the best.
The absolute best.
I deserve less.

Whenever there's a problem I just want to run to him, but I don't want him to see me like this. He's so strong and positive and always has a bright side. He's happy and enthusiastic about this. He believes it's a blessing. And I feel as though I'm just the opposite. I feel weak and negative. It's hard to find even a small bit of happiness in a day lately. I'm upset and worried about the situation. I see it as a mistake (not my baby, the timing in which it happened). I see it as a trial. I wrote in a different journal closer to the beginning of all this that I just wanted to endure it well.
I'm not enduring this well this week. There are small, fleeting happy moments where I really laugh, or really smile, or really feel good.. but they haven't lasted long this week. I'm ready for this week to be over.

I can't seem to get away from anything. It makes sense, and I shouldn't be trying to run from everything but can't I come home without you, mum, hounding me about something to do with my situation? Can't me and the people I keep in contact with talk about something other than me? Can't me and Cristian have a fun, light, conversation instead of me turning it into something serious where we just end up fighting?

I'm trying to figure everything ok?
There's a lot.
It's not going to happen over night.
I don't know why she thinks it's going to.
Why I think it's going to.

He wants to move back to Cali.
I want to move anywhere but somewhere close to here.
So we're looking at jobs out there.
Please God, let us find something.

Tonight is a Halloween party. I was supposed to help plan it, but mostly what I've done this week is beat all the feeling out of myself. And the few remaining feeling I have, the ones that somehow managed to sustain my abuse are wandering around like wounded baby animals just waiting to die. I want tonight to be fun, to go be with everyone, get dressed up-do something crazy like.. carve a pumpkin and forget about who I am and what's going on in my life. But I don't know if I can go. Some of these people are... not exactly what I thought. And if people feel as though they have to be "cautious" around me- then how about I save everyone some stress and not come. I wouldn't have been offended if you simply hadn't invited me.

It just makes a lot more sense to me.
There's another party tomorrow night that Cristian and I are invited to. It'll be rowdy, but I want to go because he does. I don't have a costume. He's going to be a robber. I was thinking Where's Waldo but I don't know if I'll get anything together. Everything feels like such a chore. I'm realizing that this is a pretty whiny post-but you can navigate to different screen whenever you want. This is my space. Suck it.

So I'm not sure what I'm gonna do today. Nap is definitely on the list. Crying can already be checked off. I wanna go be with Cristian.
Later.

586

Writing and producing a podcast for NPR and UPR.
That'll look nice on a resume' right?
:D

I've started doing yoga again, my body feels so much better with all the stretching.
I'm kicking Connor's trash at Words With Friends.
And I had an awesome afternoon up the canyon in the fresh October air.

Thank you God for my life.

585

Broken clouds give rain.
Broken soil grows grain.
Broken bread feeds man for one more day.
Broken storms yield light.
Break of day heals night.
Broken pride turns blindness into sight.
Broken souls that need His mending.
Broken hearts for offering.
Could it be that God loves broken things?

-Kenneth Cope

Today's been a bad day. I wanted to spend some time with him but when I went over he was getting up late and seemed to have a million things to do. So I went home feeling a little defeated and sad. Tried to take a nap but couldn't. Tried to eat something but couldn't keep anything down. Everything's changing-that doesn't mean it's never been like this before but sometimes the hard truth hits me and I feel like I'm drowning.

Today I'm drowning.
I started to freak out.
Can I give this child the life it deserves? And if I honestly can't say with 100% surety I can, what right do I have to keep it. And then my heart broke and all my fears came splurging to the top. What if I just.. can't do this. What if I just can't find happiness at the end of this for me, for it, for Cristian? What about all the money we need but we don't have? What about all the trust issues I have? What about all the good things and dreams and goals and plans I have? Am I going to be able to achieve success?
Am I going to have happiness?
Am I going to have to settle?
And if I have to give that up, CAN I?


How can I do all of this?
It's a bad day.

Would like to run away today.
Somewhere. Anywhere.

584

Wow, I'm going to sleep like a baby tonight.
Didn't get a nap in before going to the corn maze with Cristian and Connor. It was pretty funny, he was so scared. I jumped a few times but after the shrieking girl decided to get right in my ear and yell bloody freaking murder (yes, it's still ringing) I just got irritated. Take a few steps back lady, seriously.

Afterwards we went to PA3. It was awful as expected but I'm trying to go and do things with Cristian that I know he likes to do. Watching scary movies is one of those things. So I spent most of the movie white knuckled and gripping his hand, covering my eyes with my hoodie, and humming happy songs in my head. I tossed and turned all night, and then woke up to Cristian grinding his teeth. Pretty scary sound especially with the movie we'd just watched. Had to keep waking him up to get him to stop. Finally it started to get light outside the window and I settled down into a doze. Still wasn't great but it was something.

Made an awesome breakfast. And now I want to fall into a coma nap.
Going to make Halloween treats and hopefully have an awesome girls night tonight :D
Ah..

ZZZZzzzz

583

It happened again today.
I was at the shop talking to Tom, the Iranian, while C worked on his car.
Some of his friends showed up.
And I just can't figure it out.
And more than that, I just don't want to.

I want C and I to pack away our lives here, and move somewhere else where we can just.. have OUR life. I feel bad but as I sat there today just watching them lope around acting all hard the only thing that came to my mind was "Where are these people going? Nowhere. What do these people have to show for their lives? A criminal record, less brain cells. What have they accomplished? Nothing". I don't want any part of it, and I feel like as long as we stay here he's always going to be KIND OF a part of it.

I want something else.
I want something better.
For me. And for him.
And I'm going to get it.

So tonight while he's out doing whatever it is he's doing, I'm gonna work on some writing, catch up on some school work, and make some money. Then later we're gonna have a chat.


Really want to go to the corn maze.

582

Went ring shopping yesterday.

581

Last night went really well.
Cristian came out and was a good sport about singing Happy Birthday to my mom, chilling with my sister and dad, and playing an Australian game with the family: Chinese Writing. He picked up on it quickly, it was awesome. We sat down in the living room with my parents until about midnight. I watched as daddy and Cristian just talked and talked and talked.

After wrapping things up we got in the car and headed home. He said it felt really good to talk to my dad and he's starting to feel more comfortable.

What if he gets that job in the big city?



Anyway. Went in for my second biopsy today. This time they took a piece shaped like an eye and layered the stitches. I go back in 10- days to have them removed. Sighs. Let's hope for the best.

580

Went up to Porcupine Dam yesterday with Talisa and saw a little bit of this. It literally took my breath away, so beautiful up there right now! I feel like I missed all the colors up the canyon because... the weather changed to quickly but down there past Paradise, it's taken its sweet beautiful time :D

It was good to get some fresh air, even if I was exhausted by the slight walking around we did. So much better than what I've been doing. Cooped up at home just trying to figure things out, kind of going crazy. The last couple days I've forced myself outside and it's been good for me. And for the baby. I woke up the other day wishing it was Christmas. I just miss my family, which is odd because I live about 6 miles away from them. So I've been spending lots of time out there wondering if maybe the best thing to do right now is to move home and just relax for a bit. Not worry about paying bills or not having a job, or a car for that matter. There's so much more going on.

Had a chat with Cristian's Uncle last night. He never introduced me but he knew my name and when he heard me rummaging around in his room looking for my contact solution he called my name. I went down the hall, sat and had a chat with him. He didn't know I was pregnant-which is interesting because everyone else in the house knows. He burst into tears-it was ok-they were happy tears and we had a long talk about life and.. school. LOL. My family would LOVE his family. All of them are pushing me to finish even though I'm having a kid. It's good because I don't have enough motivation to do it for myself. I just don't care that much about school but with a whole group of people pushing me to do it... I might actually do it.

Anyways, had a talk with Cristian a few minutes later when he came home. About the future.
He wants a wedding. I want to elope.
He wants to get me a big gawdy diamond ring.
I want a simple band. I hate diamonds.
It's just funny.
I told him if he wants a wedding he has to plan it. I'll get a dress and show up.
There's something backwards about this lol.

My dog has his head on my lap, he can spell the cold pizza I'm eating.
LOVE this canine.
It's my mum's birthday today. I have the best mom in the world. I didn't know what to get here, so I guess I'll work on that this week. She's hard to shop for, very practical but I mean.. what could I get her that she doesn't already have? I don't know either. Hopefully Cristian's gonna make it out here for her delicious cake. They really want to get to know him better-and I really want him to get to know them better also.


I wish it was Christmas.

579

As I've sat down the last couple weeks to write about what I ACTUALLY want to write about, I've found it's been difficult to crack open this chapter of my life to the general public. Not that anyone really reads this anymore (which is fine), but just.. when they do-let's just say reactions to my current situation have been varying- from awesome to not.

It's time to drop the bomb. At least on this sucker. Not for anyone else but mostly because I've been advised to write about my situation to HELP me SEE my situation. This is perfect, because writing has always been a kind of therapy-and I definitely need some of that. :D
3-4 weeks ago my life turned upside down. Ok, not completely true. The truth is I've been ready for a big change for awhile. It's also true, however, that I didn't expect it to happen in the way it did-though perhaps I SHOULD have expected it. You'll understand.

The point is, it was late morning when I looked at the result window on the stick and saw this:

Pregnant

Honestly? My first thought was "fuck". Then I started laughing to myself because that's what got me in the situation in the first place. Then I felt disgusted because here I was in a non-ideal situation and was already cracking jokes with myself. Then I got scared and felt my whole world crumple into a million pieces. Then I fell in love with the embryo and realized I had to do everything I could to ensure it's safety-my life didn't matter anymore.

That's when I called my mom in near hysterics. Up until about 2 weeks ago things were a blur. Telling Cristian. Telling my parental units, then having to call up my siblings to let them in on the news. Telling my bishop. Insurance. Getting a doctor. Counseling with a lady from LDS Family Services. WIK. Prenatals. Some maternity clothes shopping. A few weeks later I started to tell a select few who I knew would be descreet about everything but eventually it was all going to come out. Like now for instance :D.

The guess is I'm 8 weeks. Which means my due date is May 26th. All of that will be affirmed or adjusted with my first visit to a doctor which is Nov 3rd. Crazy. They won't see you until you THINK you're at least 10 weeks along. I thought they'd see me right away.....interesting.

I think some questions people will have when reading this will be as follows:
What are you going to do about the baby?
Whose the baby's daddy?
What are you going to do about the baby's daddy?
And maybe just "what?"

So to answer question 1. My plan is to keep the baby. I'm not closing off other options and that's what the counseling is mostly for- to get research on all the options so I can make the best choice for me and the baby. So far my plan to keep it feels like a good one and I'll do everything I can to ensure that stays the right decision. It's really just one of those things that will have to be affirmed with time. For now, I'm keeping her (yes, we think it's a girl)

Question 2. Cristian. The boyfriend. The daddy. I've never written anything on this blog about him so you're going to get the whole story. I met Cristian back at the end of March beginning of April. I served him and his friend in the restaurant I was working at and when he left, he also left his number on a napkin for me to find. At the time I wasn't exclusive with anyone so I sent the number a text when I got off work and he called me a second later. We saw each other every day for the next 2 weeks. He's a year younger than me, Guatemalan though he moved here from Compton California, owns a mechanic shop, and is a professional race car driver. He graduated from Wyotech and wants to go back to school to do Bio Chemistry. He was persistent and when I decided to be exclusive with someone else he was fine with being friends. We still saw each other, though not romantically-but there was always tension. After breaking up with the person I WAS exclusive with in July I started dating him and things just took off. Yes, he's gorgeous (I'm working on getting a picture), but more than that I love that he can find a way to make me laugh even when I'm crying. He's intelligent and bright, his family was kind and welcoming, he was different and exciting and new. He thinks I'm the greatest thing to ever come into his life. We are opposites. So it makes sense that we kind of fell into each other very quickly. It also makes sense that there's been friction sometimes.

Question 3. Yes, we're still together though I tried to cut the ties several times because honestly? I thought it would be what he wanted but if anything he's done nothing but fight for me harder. He loves me. He did before any of this happened and I love him back but naturally just like any other couple we have our differences, and some of those differences are concerning to me if we plan on becoming a family (which is definitely his plan). The last couple weeks have been interesting as I've shared with him what would have to happen in order for me to marry him and he's stepped up admirably. He's stopped drinking and smoking, he finally got a real job and has full benefits on top of making good money, he met my family (they loved him-which was a surprise, and he loved them back-also a surprise), and he's been with my every step of the way through all of this. And there have been times where I've given him every reason to leave. Not intentionally but pregnant hormonal mood swings can be INSANE. He's put up with all of it and sees us growing old together with our little ones.

Last question: "What?"
Yes. I'm pregnant. It's not entirely real to me yet either. The first 2 weeks I FELT pregnant but as the weeks followed I've done nothing but lose my appetite and lose a lot of weight. I guess that's normally what happens, that's what people keep telling me but it's weird being pregnant but not FEELING like it. No morning sickness, no headaches, no weird cravings, nothing. The only significant difference in my body is that I'm noticeably more tired. I can't keep myself awake for longer that 4-5 hours at a time. It's hard for Cristian to wrap his head around it too though he's simply ecstatic about it, he can't wait to be a daddy. I think on the 3rd when we see the ultra-sound and that little one swimming around in there it will hit us for real. That's what I'm hoping for anyways. We've been through a lot the last couple weeks but we're both working on keeping our heads up and facing this situation full on. If this was going to happen, I'm lucky it happened with him. He's been a rockstar through it all and he's going to fight for me till' the very end.

We've been thinking about names- all girl names because we're convinced it's a "she". So far we've agreed on a few: Amara, Eve, and Violet (this was a surprise). I'm crossing my fingers for Violet. If in 12 weeks we find out it's a boy-not sure what we'll do. We haven't discussed it ever being a boy-no names-nothing. That will be interesting.

My mom and sisters think I'm having twins.
Um???!

So the next 7-8 months of my life are going to be a wild ride. But I have Cristian. And my family. And the few friends that have decided they're okay with being a support system.
Right now while writing this I'm happy. But it's not like that all the time. There have been plenty of times where I've wanted nothing more than to drive myself into oncoming traffic, or run away to some far away land where no one will find me and can't judge me. Sometimes I get angry and want to smack myself for texting that stupid number on the stupid napkin that day. But I'm hoping for more days like today. There's an acceptance of what has happened and what IS happening and I understand that I can't cry over spilled milk- all I can do is go on this alternative path and try to make this work for me in a way that we'll find happiness.

For those of you who I've told and haven't bailed-thank you. To those who did- I get it.
I love all of you :D

578

Went to Naomi's baby shower last night. Walked around in the baby aisle with Cristian looking for something to get for her right before heading over there. It was silly. A purple striped onesie. A variety of socks and a pair of tiny baby slippers. Cristian picked those out and Naomi LOVED them. I told him later cause with his friends all the guys hang around outside and the girls get together and chat or dance. Sounds like my kind of crowd but last night taught me a lot.

I only knew Naomi, Nana, and Sal's wife- I can't pronounce her name it kinda sounds like Marissa. I met Nana's daughter (Cristian's god daughter) Tiauna and some other people. I tried really hard to make an effort to get to know these people. The last time I visited I couldn't find any common ground-or ground that I wanted to be on.

It was the same thing last night. I got tired of trying to have conversations with people and instead just sat back on the couch watching and listening. After about an hour and a half I came to the deduction that all of his friends are bored with their lives, or are stuck in their lives. Everyone's doing the same things. I heard the same conversations over and over again and honestly-no one's going anywhere-unless you count getting out or going into jail. I'm trying to figure out how Cristian fits in with them. He finished school, he has a business. He's got ambition. He's doing things with his life-what exactly is their connection? I asked him as we made a quick trip down to the city. He told me they all came from a similar childhood, all grew up in the same rough-n-tough situation and that's why he can get along with them. That doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I guess I have to have more in common with someone then just.. what our past looks like. We have to have things in common in the present...otherwise you just stay IN the past. And that's what I see with his friends.. They're all just hung up on their "hood" lives and have no real motivation or will to move up and forward from it. So as I sat there, looking around the room, I realized my head wasn't the only thing going in circles. All their lives were to.

We had a conversation. I'm sure it just sounded like I was bagging on his friends but that wasn't it. I don't dislike them or have any problems with any of them, I just don't ever want to be like any of them.

I got a call the other day from one of my English Professors from last semester. He kind of set my course in writing. I knew I always wanted to do it but he was the perfect person to show my work to-for the first time. I've never had a professor believe in me that much. He called to tell me about another contest. It's a dual perspective theme and I have the perfect idea in mind. The prize is $1,000 a it being published in..some magazine. It doesn't really matter what the magazine is..it's a magazine. There's a couple photo contests coming up and I'm thinking I need to start looking into a different kind of job also.

Something that's less stressful.
I hate my job at ICON.
I REALLY am starting to hate it. It could be because I've almost been a month since I started working there and no, I haven't been paid yet. Really sick of this. I shouldn't have to go to effing payroll track down Jack whose a jack-A and figure it out. Come on, it's 2011. Super annoying. Need to figure this out tomorrow. I'm tired.

Went for a walk today up the canyon, took my camera and some tunes.
It was amazing.
And I saw a catepillar creeping across the trail.
LOVE. <3

Rihanna - Cheers (Drink To That) [Official Version]

Rihanna - We found Love

577

I've spent the last 16 hrs trying to get this legal brief paper finished. It supposed to be 4 pages but I've only got enough material for 2. It's solid though so hopefully, at very LEAST, I'll get an incomplete and the opportunity to get at least 85% of the grade with an added extension. Also, test this upcoming Tuesday in ENVS 4500. I'm not worried about it, as long as I can start my studying this weekend and have things squared away by then.

I better have gotten paid today, cause I'm ready to treat myself to...something. I'm not quite sure what I'd like to splurge. I was thinking about going and getting my hair styled for when Cristian and I go to Naomi's baby shower. Kinda want to make a good impression because hopefully some of these people will become my friends. I just want a couple.

He has a hard time saying the "l" word.
I don't.
But he said it.

I've started to learn some new lullaby's and Disney songs on the piano, all for what's coming up in the future. And a new savings account has been created. Hopefully we can figure this all out.

In sad news my car died. Engine seized and it completely shut down so now I'm sentenced to driving my father's car around and my poor dad has to be driven around by my mother- who just had eye surgery so.... that's a blessed situation lol. But it looks like they've got a lead on getting me a new one. An Acura? I know nothing about Acura's , better research it I suppose-get a handle on what I'll be moving around in. And thank goodness they're helping me take care of this-really have a lot on my plate.

It's mostly good things.
But it's hard things too.
Here's to the weekend.
:D

576

Saw 50/50.
Best movie I've seen in awhile.