612

Went and looked around for a mattress today.
Dang, their expensive. I think I always knew that but I've never actually had to buy one. And we're in pretty big need of one. I can't sleep on the mattress that we've got. I wake up with a really sore back- course a lot of that is also because I'm pregnant and my hips are widening. It helps if I put a blanket or another pillow in between then, but not that much.

I told him I could just take the bed from my apartment and set it up (temporarily) in our living room but for some reason he has some real issues with that idea. It would only be until we purchase or found another one. Sighs.

Printing starts on Monday and hopefully doesn't take that long since we're really behind as far as putting those things together. Jan 21st is right around the corner and we still have a lot to figure out. Who knew it would take this freaking long to get everything done.... not me that's for sure...

I go in on Wednesday to find out the gender of the baby, and in the meantime Cristian found a 2nd job working at a sushi bar. I think he enjoys it. I would feel much better if I could find something to. It would be nice to have some extra income and to not feel like such a leech.. but I guess that's probably how it's going to be for a min.

I have an opportunity to go to China in May. And I know I have a job for sure here in May if I want it. Just need to get certified in a few things, fill out the online application is February, and then count on Scott to put a good work in for me with Dan. But I'm not to worried.... I've got the job. Just not for a min.

Also. This is weird but I think my doctor got my due date wrong. I was doing the math and it works out that I would be due April 24th.. not May 24th. Guess we'll discuss that at my next appointment... kinda awkward.




Can't wait to get back in shape.

611

Our announcements are almost finished and they look amazing!
Joni truly is an artist genius. I definitely think she managed to capture "me" in the layout.
Pretty excited about it. I love how feminine and awesome they look! And that there's purple..

LOVE me some purple.
Very happy about that.
Now for printing.....

610

Hhhhhhh.....

oh dear.

609

Happy Christmas Eve!!
I've got Cristian's pressies all put together- now if only my eye will stop swelling so I can go and chill with his family for a bit.


Hhh..
I love Christmas.

608

Kind of hate today. It started off with Cristian showing me a stupid 9gag picture he knew would bother me. He just doesn't get that I don't have that broad of a sense of humor lately, and anything that makes me feel insecure isn't going to make me laugh. It's only going to make me cry and run away. So that's basically what's going on. I have my bridal shower tonight and I feel like trash. Been crying all day, and trying to sleep so I'll stop crying. And I just don't know how I'm going to get through the next 2-3 hours smiling and pretending everything is okay and I'm one very happy bride.

Thinking about it kind of makes me want to throw up.

Need some space and time away.
And there's a small part of me that wants to throw everything in the bag, give up on all the things we've got planned and start with nothing. Nothing and nowhere is a familiar place, and one with which I can always improve on. Things can't get much worse once you're at the bottom so why not just put myself there for awhile then try to rebuild to where I once was instead of fighting all the things that want to bury me in this dark ominous hole. Perhaps it's twisted logic but most things are twisted right now.

I don't know if anything I feel about my situation is normal, because I have no one to talk to about my situation. No one can relate. No one can possibly understand. And I myself am tired of thinking about it and wanting to talk about it. I don't know if it's hormones speaking, or something else but I'm hot then cold, happy then sad, sure then doubtful. It's never just one thing that stays for awhile. In one day I experience the entire spectrum of human emotions and then I can't sleep at night to follow up every day that feels like an episode.

And now my mother's bothering me about how I should look happier because they're throwing this party for me.. and "shouldn't I find a top that says something more about how happy I am?"

Fuck.

607

Finished up some Christmas shopping. Daddy's gonna LOVE his present and hopefully what Talisa and I picked out for Jasmin is good as well. Steph and Bean are covered and now I have to worry about Cristian and this shower tomorrow. Announcements should be ready by the first week of January and things are coming together. Hopefully his parents get out here on Thursday like we've planned to go over everything and man.. am I exhausted.

Mom wants me to go and try on a dress because nothing is fitting anymore, but I'm t sad to tell her that I can't go into clothing stores right now without bursting into tears because I can't stand this baby bulge. I know I"ll be happy in the long run but I can't wear any of the pretty things I used to, and I'm afraid to try on.. ANYTHING because it might result in a meltdown.

I have this thing with my body image, and having a baby bulge really isn't working for me at the moment. Plus its Christmas so I feel as though I'm eating more than I usually would... even though I'm probably not and I have to take baths daily to take away some of the aching that's coming up. Man. I have lots to complain about. But there are good things to. Cristian's finally getting serious about the job situation.. to bad it had to start happening a month before we're married...

But hopefully something turns out. Tomorrow is the shower which should be fun and my daddy, brother, Cristian and maybe Allen and Ray are all going out to dinner and Mission Impossible 2 for "guys night". I'm glad he's spending time with my family.. it means the world to me. I need to get a body pillow, and start using another pillow to help my back-it's starting to get sore because my hips are widening.. oh pregnancy lol.

Ready for a bath, and maybe a small nap before I head home for the night.

606

Wow, we got a lot done today, and hopefully it results in some employment for both of us.
I sat down to write something important but now I can't remember what.
That's awesome.




WAIT!
I remembered, just now.
So I'm kind of into photography. I took a couple classes in highschool and college and have entered a few contests (I've never won any of them though) but then I got a call today which sort of changed that. A friend of mine is writing a book, and he wants to use one of my landscape pics as the cover for it. He sent it to me with the date of the book and everything on it and I must say it looks awesome!
So um... my photography is going to be on a book cover for which I shall be paid and maybe become famous for lol. I don't really care about that, but I'm excited that I'll get to see it on something published and awesome :D

Good things happening.

605

He rubs people the wrong way, he's picky, and inappropriate... but he's charming and passionate and I love him.

604

Alright.
Last night it all finally came together. Got together with my parents and Cristian and planned out the wedding- everything! So I can finally stop worrying about things and starting putting it together. I like the way we laid it out-mostly because it allows for me to have some time in between everything for naps and resting which I know I'm going to need. I hope he's happy with the plan, at 5 months pregnant I'm simply not going to be able to do an all day all night celebration. Me and the baby need to SLEEP. And yes I'm a selfish bride-I'm going to want some alone time with him in between all the friend and family time.

The only thing we have left to decide is the design of our announcements, whose catering and where we're honeymooning. Everything else is set.

Feels good, and I'm finally starting to feel the excitement that any young bride should with her approaching wedding day. Up until last night it was mostly dread and ignoring everything because I couldn't find a way to balance things enough where everyone could find some happiness in my day. Which is ironic because.. it's MY day right. Well, Cristian and I's.

Anyways, that's over and done with.

Christmas is a week away and I haven't been doing anything about that. Christmas shopping this week for sure. Not sure what I'm going to do. What I wanted to do for Cristian simply isn't working out so it might have to be belated.... but I need to put SOMETHING together for the man. All I wanna do though is watch Gossip Girl, Lipstick Jungle and plan my way to Forbes top 50 women.

Had a weird dream last night. All it was, was me running.. just for..exercise. In the dream my heart was pounding so hard but it felt so good to be out in the fresh air and light just running till' I couldn't anymore. I woke up and thought it was real or something- so tomorrow I'm hitting up the gym for a nice long run.

Made sugar cookies.
Want to frost them.

603

Big day ahead- or at least I'm going to make it one.
Really need to get Cristian going on his resume', and I need to check back with a couple places and get my resume' out there also. Although I don't know where considering I've applied absolutely EVERYWHERE in this valley. Might be time to start looking in places like Brigham and Ogden. Just really need a job.

Cleaned up the house yesterday and started putting up decorations-didn't finish. Clothes are in the laundry but I need to stop by WM to get a few things.


I should get off the computer and seize this day.

602

Sorry, but sometimes mom, you're really stupid.
She put her back out this morning and was told to stay in bed for the next couple of days taking pain killers, but instead she stumbles around the house bitching and moaning about how badly her back hurts.


Well no freakin' DUH.
I'm not going to have sympathy for you if you go completely against what the doctor tells you. Don't start crying to me when you screw your back up even more cause seriously.. it's YOUR effing fault.

Need to clean the house today, somehow get the tree upstairs, and decorate the house.. should have done this a long time ago but everyone been going crazy about the wedding. Meanwhile I'm just trying to ignore everything and Cristian's sick.

I HATE THAT.
Ugh... Happy Holidays :D

601

Finished my final paper! And a day early too, don't judge- that's actually quite the accomplishment considering my track record for getting things done this semester. Went and took more engagement pics today and I'm hoping some of them worked out. They were outside so I had to wear my coat- had I known I would have brought a different coat for sure! But hopefully something worked out that we can both be happy with. Went and looked around at cake makers/decorators and I think we've got something figured out. And I gave Cristian till' the end of this week to figure out our job situation so hopefully that just somehow.. comes together.

Went up to the temple today for a little lift and I felt a little better.

My family got their tree tonight so we're spending the evening decorating it, the house, and eating peach penguins in between (they are delicious). Probably should have gone and started boxing up my stuff at the apartment today but...didn't. Maybe tomorrow after I go to Juniper to get an application. I didn't get the photography job which blows.... ugh. Just need to keep pushing through this.

I want to write another short story.
I also want to move to Tahiti.

600

Last night was the Hanukkah party. Every year Nicole and Clayton throw it and it's honestly the best part of the holiday season. Each time we pick a family to help out for Christmas. This time it was a family with a little 2 year old son whose had some unfortunate and serious medical problems. They've been struggling financially so we all got together, pooled our money and took it to this family. We had muddy buddies, chips and dip, cookies, and all sorts of goodies and then watched "8 Crazy Nights". It's the one time a year I can suck up and stomach Adam Sandler.

He just not my type of funny but.. Clayton loves it and it's tradition. Cristian came with me this time and got to meet everyone. I'm jealous of how he fits in with everyone I've introduced him to, while when we go and do things with his friends I'm awkward and shy and I can't seem to find a way to find comfort in my own skin.

We left after the movie and headed over to Sal's house cause C was hungry for Pah. I ended up sitting on the hardest stool in the world lol. My hips hurt so bad but every other place was taken. While he talked with boys I sat with the girls and heard more horror stories about labor, and breast feeding, and taking care of a baby. It was interesting and everyone drank a lot of wine. The longer the night wore on the more stupid everyone acted and I was MORE than ready when Cristian decided we could go. I'm trying, but that's all I can say as far as his friends. I'm trying. And that's probably all I'll be able to say.

Been a rough couple of days but he's been amazing.
I'm really lucky to have found him and I can't wait to marry him.
Sure things are up and down and sometimes I don't feel as confident but... it's understandable with the way the last 6 months have gone. Hopefully he and his parents are coming out tonight so that we can finish planning this wedding, and I gotta ask Sarah if she's sent out invitations for my bridal shower yet- it's coming up!

Sighs.
Haven't started my final paper yet. I planned on it and then... it didn't happen.

599 (finally)

598

He loved the purple eye shadow and the sparklies even though it was light, and he liked my hair. It was awesome! Totally stared at me the entire ride into town. Kept saying how beautiful I looked. Not gonna lie, it felt pretty awesome-especially since earlier that morning I'd broken down in the Kohls dressing room because I couldn't find anything that would somewhat hide my baby bump. Pretty sad moment. My poor mother lol. He looked pretty sharp to in his jacket, hair all done and shaved. He looked GOOD. Our pictures are gonna be boss. We only got some of them done because the battery died on the camera so we'll reunite on Sunday to get the last of them. We want some silly ones and I was some more romantic ones. Today I get to decide what we do. I wanted to go up to Maple Grove Springs for the afternoon but I'm not sure how into hot tubbing he is, or if he even has a suit.

So now I gotta come up with something else- and have everything ready by 3pm. Should be fun though. I hope it is. Also- need to fill out that application. HAVE to do that today no matter what.

Memory:
"The thought that counted" when he tried to get me those musical lights from Oville and his car broke down instead. LOL.

597

Engagement pictures tomorrow- yes, finally I'm going to have some to put up so everyone can see us together. I'm kind of curious myself lol. We're gonna look good though, and hopefully Heather has some fun ideas for things we can do cause.. neither one of us really know what we're doing.

I know how I wanna do my hair though, and hopefully I can figure out something with my make-up.

Memory:
This is sad because of how it started but happy because of how it ended. I was upset-that's an understatement-I was hysterical and crying for no real reason. He wrapped his arms around me and held me in a tight grip against his chest until I calmed down and was adorable as he brushed the hair out of my face and tears from my face. I fell asleep pretty quick, and when I woke up he was still holding me in that protective embrace.

Sighs.

596

Alright, yeah I know- my resolution to write a cute memory a day for the next little while already isn't happening-but hey- I'm pregnant and overestimating my ability to get things done when I say I will has been a little off lately. Plus I have a wedding to get ready for, and....yes! A new apartment to move into and get ready. We got the place I wanted and the landlord is freaking boss. Really excited that we searched around and didn't settle for one of those loser places we looked at.

The best part is, it's furnished but still totally within out affordability.
It comes with 2 couches, a chair and 2 tables, microwave, washer and dryer, and some other odds and ends and it feels nice not to have to worry about those things. We have a bed- though we need a new mattress, a TV (which isn't essential for me but.. Cristian's parents bought us it as an early wedding gift) and as far as I can tell- that's a good start. Pretty excited about the way things went with Wes- and he's even going to hook me up with a job which will be a HUGE relief and weight off my already aching shoulders. Good things are happening and tonight I'm happy :D

I also did my final presentation in class today and they were all excited about the podcast. The paper was a fiasco but hopefully Chris got my email about how that had nothing to do with Rose and it was just a lax of motivation on my part to really put it all together. Glad that's over though and I have my take home exam that's due next week sometime. Probably should get that started right now and not wait till' the last minute like with this last one.

But first I'm gonna take a bath ;)

Memory:
When I saved him while playing the Halo Campaign and he gave me an unforgettable kiss :D

595

I've been feeling unreal lately. I'm sure it's because I've been in a constant state of exhaustion since September. But I've been doing some thinking. Thinking about all the really good times that I've had with Cristian. All those special moments and I realized that I've mostly failed to write some of those things down. I'm sure it's because of said exhausted stated above, and that I worry sometimes that once something is written down... it hurts the memory somehow. I can't really explain it. Like what if writing it down makes the memory less beautiful than what it really was. Or what if I can't write it down the way it happened and it's forever remembered wrong because of the way you read it. And of course I have this thing were I have a hard time finding happiness, and looking back at all the times that I was or am happy makes things worse when I'm feeling down or sad.

I know.
I'm crazy.
But I should write this down regardless of all the insanity.

I remember the first time I spoke to him on the phone. I'd just gotten off work, it was snowing outside and I texted the number he left. He called me a few seconds later and I remember thinking how attractive I thought his voice was. I didn't know what was going to happen. As far as I was concerned nothing really was. That's normally how these things go right? There's potential, maybe you see the person a few times, and then there's a falling out and you're left wondering what the hell happened. You get over it. Then the next "potential" happens. He was fishing with his friends which I thought was interesting because it was almost midnight. I guess that's a pretty normal thing but at the time I didn't know anything about fishing. We talked for a few minutes, he set a date up with me for the next day and I went to bed feeling good.

Our first date was alright. He was 10 minutes late and he didn't look at me very much. We played a couple rounds of pool at Logan Lanes and he asked a lot of questions about me. He helped me with my technique which I remember thinking was interesting and was flattered/confused when he told me that I "had a beautiful smile"-he hadn't looked at me all night so how could he possibly know what my smiled looked like? Right? After in the parking we stood talking for a few minutes he checked out my car which I thought was funny and he told me he had a motorcycle ( I found out later he was just trying to impress me, which may have worked if he'd taken me on a ride.. but it was winter lol). He gave me an awkward hug-again not really looking at me and I left feeling slightly confused, but not overly concerned about seeing him again.

He called the next day and wanted to go to a movie. He was 15 minutes late this time and came wearing fishing clothes. I don't remember what movie we saw-it didn't matter though we talked through a lot of it and afterwards I followed him in his car to his mechanic shop in Hyde Park. He showed me around and I remember my toes were freezing because I'd decided to go open-toed that night. We talked for a very long time. He told me his lifestory and eventually the night wrapped up and I headed home.

I thought about it. Then I decided that I should maybe show that I was slightly interested by inviting HIM to do something. It seemed appropriate for a 3rd date but I didn't have any money. I invited him over to my apartment to watch a movie. He came over. I remember he was wearing a puffy vest and my interest dipped a little. I can't really explain that except to say I hate puffy vests. I went back to my room to grab the movie and he followed me? I was kinda confused, and I think he confused himself because he said "I don't know why I followed you back here, I'll wait in the living room" I just laughed.

We watched "The Other Guys" on the lovesac in my living room. He put his arm around me then went in to kiss me. Chickened out. Then went for it again and I allowed him to succeed. I liked the kiss, but not the session that followed after. I remember telling my friend Joni that I thought he was so hott, he had perfect lips but as soon as we kissed it was over for me. Way to much and at that point I felt like all my interest was gone. "Suck" right?

It's hard to chronicalize the way the rest panned out. We saw each other everyday for 2 weeks and basically every day since then. I have fond memories here and there though I can't remember every single moment.

For the next couple of days I'm going to share one memorable moment I've had with Cristian. These things are important-freak-I need to get some pictures too. What's my problem anyways right?


The time he was trying to read the title of a show on TV "Ricochet" and he pronounced it "Reeko-chet". LOL. I laughed so hard and the best part was... that he did too :D

594

Went in for my second appointment today. I was nervous because I've never had a physical. I know right? What kind of 23 yr old girl hasn't had a physical. It wasn't as bad as I imagined. The whole thing took less that 5 minutes and I got to hear my little one's heart beat again. I didn't know they were doing another ultrasound or I would have insisted that Cristian come along. I still feel bad about that. Everything looks good. It's heart beat is perfect and my body is in good condition also. Good blood pressure, good cholesterol, strong bones, good hips. Things are looking great.

Cristian took some initiative and worked on finding some cheaper places that we can check out.
Pretty tired these days. Should probably work on getting more sleep, eat more vegetables and maybe get more fresh air than I am.
Had a job interview the other day, I find out if I got it our not sometime next week.
And tomorrow I go into the studio to record my podcast for UPR.


Good things are happening.