303

I think I've had a stroke of brilliance...
Matt teaching Guido.

302

Moving on.

301

{{So last night I found a new favorite spot ( alright, it was shown to me by a really good friend, but it's still my favorite now). }}

I've been up Smithfield Canyon probably.. uh.. one thousand times but I've never seen this place before. It's past the 2nd gate and then about a five minute hike to the most enchanting meadow. It's gorgeous ( pictures will be up soon, cause let's face it.. I plan on spending lots of time up there), there's a nice little overhang where you can see the sunset in between the "v" that the mountains make, and get this... a wooden rope swing chair big enough to seat two people. In memory of Jacob Hawkes ( I don't know who that is, but I like his chair)

It's like out of a fairytale-seriously. It's amazing, I couldn't even believe it. I was seriously baffled by how quaint and cozy this place was. There was a fire pit a couple feet back and a nice little grove of trees elegantly shaded with leaves- we found a hide out in there. I could play up there all day long, and I DEFINITELY plan on camping up there, lots of bonfires- oh my gosh! I love it! I would build a sweet awesome tree house HOUSE up there and just live up there forever-if I COULD.
Fish out of the stream, and just live a simple life.
Sighs.

It was beautiful. And soothing.

So we headed on up there, and sat on the awesome swing, watched the mediocre sunset (we've both seen better) and talked. It was good to just clear the air, get back on the same track, understand a little more what's going on in both of our heads, and laugh until our sides ached. It was so good to just SEE him. It's been a long time, and the more time I spend with him, the more I realize just how much I missed him while he was gone.

It was great! We talked for about 3 1/2 hours, ate a delicious meal and then made our way back down the trail ( in the dark which was hideous because I have suckfest ankles AND was wearing flip flops because I didn't know we would be HIKING) and had some snacks along the way. We really should have left earlier, I was eaten alive by the mossies. (mosquitos). Seriously. These things were vicious. It's was my own fault for not wearing a jacket or insect repellent I GUESS, but these monsters bit THROUGH my clothes. I got bit a couple times THROUGH my pants, and get this.. I have a huge one on my stomach? What the crap!

I must taste good.
So we headed down and then stopped at the park where my car was. While standing there just chit chatting a cop came and told us that it was illegal to park there after dark? I knew that you couldn't go play in the park and stuff, but I figured that parking across the street was fine- apparently not. So we joked around with the she cop while she called it in the check out records. She told us that she gets people on this street all the time and that it's her favorite place to play cop. So funny. She was really nice though, and after she cleared everything up with uh.. dispatch? We were allowed to go along on our way. We both headed home, it had been a long day-for both of us.

Good night.
GOOOOD night.

So today I work until about 10pm and then I'll head over to the bonfire he's having for Cameron before he heads out on his mission. Possibly boating tomorrow with him and his family, and hopefully dessert with Karrie later tomorrow night. Sunday he gives his homecoming talk which should be fun, and then a BBQ after to chit chat.
Man, I'm glad he's home.

300

Oh blast the dreaded munchies.

299

I have a day off from work today! I went running and did some weights already! It was really nice, because yesterday I didn't find the time to do an ACTUAL work out. It was nice to be in the gym again, even though the sunshine peaking into all corners of the facility was tempting. I just can't focus outside the way that I can inside. And let's face it, I'm a treadmill runner, not an outside runner.

As much as I love the fresh air and sunshine, I can't control the speed, the incline, I can't clock the miles and a treadmill does all those things and more for me. I like being in control of my work out because otherwise it just feels like.. physical activity with no real health benefits. I don't know why *shrugs*

So I have a couple of things that I still need to get finished.
Finish up preparing my visiting teaching message.
Clean my room-vac, dust, organize, etc.
UM lunch, because I just realized I'm starving.
I'd really like to straighten my hair- but I might just leave it curly.
Clean up the kitchen and computer area for my mom.
Figure out this New Zealand trip with my parents.
I need to figure out a way to make some more money, or get more hours at the pool.
Figure out my tithing before I-ya know-forget.
And I'm sure there are a few other things.

I'd like to get together and put a game of tennis, or cardio tennis together cause that would be cool. Or frisbee, or just go and kick around a soccer ball or something.
And I really need to write a letter to Maria- what a sweetheart!

LMF (love my life)

297

So a friend of mine posted a word quote thing (how's that for articulate right?) that said this:
"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

I've been thinking about it a lot and have realized that.. it's something I should really try and do. I always plan for the future and tend to miss out on things that are going on right now. Not that there's A LOT of things I guess, but I could definitely be planning AND living my life to it's fullest right NOW. And I also think it's time to let go of any preconceived notions I had about this summer, because it's close to the end of June and nothing that I've planned has happened.. because.. I spend all my time planning the next thing and never do.. THE things.

If this doesn't make any sense- THAT makes sense.

Work today was really nice. The weather was perfect and I worked with some really great people, got 100% on my spot check, and then swam for a little bit with Sarah. It was nice, to be there on a nice day, AND on a day when I did work instead of didn't. And Blake was there. So that was cool. I don't really know what to do about the whole living for the moment thing. But I WILL think of something. So help me I will.

:D

296

I'm fighting losing battles all over the place.
It's either too much, or not enough. So close or so far.
And either way I'm the one crying in the corner when all is said and done. And everyone and everything else is better off or figured out.

I do believe in miracles.
I NEED a miracle.
I believe that a miracle can happen for me.
But there's gotta be some kind of action on my part, and I know that. I'm GLAD I know that, but because there's always something that I DON'T know-it's what action I'm supposed to follow through with. And that kinda seems like the most important part. How do you work with not knowing what the most important element is?

If it's not one thing, it's another.
And then I start to feel undeserving.
Sighs.

It's Father's Day.
We bought him a brand spankin' new, shiny, stainless steel grill ( and we used it for dinner tonight), and the fixing to brew ginger beer. Victoria and Talisa, along with "the boys" weeded the gardens in the back and made it look beautiful. And while all of those things are tokens of thank you TOO him, it will never be enough to show him just how much we love and care about him. My dad is my role model. I want to be just like him. He's the best man and person I know and I don't think that's entirely just because he's my Father. He has the most kind, understanding, and honest character of ANYONE I've ever met or had the pleasure of getting to know. He's so smart, and ridiculously funny. I see him constantly helping our neighbors and I know he's working miracles in the the ward he's in charge of. He loves my mom so much and he shows it by all the amazing things he does for her. He's open and honest with us kids and is always helping guide us towards things that will help us in our futures. He holds the priesthood with honor and dignity and is worthy of every kind of happiness this world has to offer. I'm so blessed and lucky to have been placed in the family that I was. And I know a lot of the reason why I know that is because he understands me better than most people I know. I can talk to my dad in a way that I can't to my mom. He's a listener, and he loves me. I haven't always been grateful or taken the time to acknowledge just how difficult it might be to BE a parent. But he and my mom have done a great job and I'll never be able to show or say thank you enough. Not for a million billion trillion years and longer.
And now I need to tell him that.

Happy Father's Day everyone!

295

Oh man, I've eaten terribly the last 2 weeks. I don't know. It's hard to get things together on my own, and with little support for the changes I'd like to make at home because.. we all don't eat the same way, or do the same activities.

But seriously, it's time to get back on track because I can see a difference in the way that I feel physically- and it's not anything really great. So I guess that means that I'll start tracking my calories again, just to see what I'm up to, and wearing my exerspy to see exactly where my level of activity is in a day. And then from there adjust things accordingly.


Come on Chels-snap out of it.

294

{There's nothing worse than a lull with no end in sight.}
I signed up to volunteer out at the Humane Society ( working with animals and such) on Tuesday and Thursday mornings, but orientation for the job isn't until the 24th of June. That's like..ten days away or something and I'm super impatient. I just want to be doing more with my life than what I HAVE been doing.

So I made a list.
A list of things that I'd like to accomplish by the end of this summer.

Have or start a successful relationship with a man. :D I think "successful" for me would mean something established. Not that it has to last a long time or anything(of course that would be nice...), but.. I'd like the established part even if it's just for a second.
Share my testimony in sacrament at least once this year.
Renew my temple recommend-go at LEAST once a month, if not more.
$1500.00 away into locked savings.
$1000.00 to paying off my car.
$500 to the parents.
Both of those things will require working more, so I guess the next thing on the list was finding a second job-or talking to Chad to see if I can't somehow get some more hours.
By Aug. 1st I'd like to have my plans for school figured out. Where, what, when, and how.
Plan and go ON a successful camping trip-somewhere.
Lose these last 25lbs.
Make and complete reading a list of books-that sentence is weird.
Humanitarian Aid trip-if I decide to not count this HS thing (above)-planned&paid for by the beginning of August.

And that's about it for now. But I'm sure as I start checking these things off one by one that others will fill their place. That's the goal anyways.
I'm a little anxious about the first one, because did I mention that rejection is at an all time high lately? I mean it's not like I'm depressed or even a little low about it because I just find it comical, but I'm ready to start laughing for other reasons.

4th times the charm right? Ha ha ha ha ha!
So for today:

Need to figure out some kind of workout, I just can't bring myself to go to the gym when the weather is so NICE!?
Let Erika know I can't come over to learn how to make bread tonight because of work.
Write a letter to my sister.
Work, of course.
I might actually MAKE lunch, instead of just grabbing packaged goods from the pantry.
Paint my toes!

{{later}}

I finished everything on that list. I'm a little surprised!

293

I've just woken up from a nap.
And I had probably the most disgusting dream-um nightmare- to date.
I was going through this test-experiment by experiment- to see how far I'd go to defend my life. It involved me fighting or doing this or that with or to another person.
And I thought it was odd that while I never knew her name, that it was just another female the same age as me. Not a male. And I wonder if that would have changed the outcome in the experiments?

And I'm ashamed to say I think my dream self would do just about anything.
There was everything from -would you break every bone in this person's body ( keep in mind I'm having to actually DO these things to "prove it" or something)- to- take out this persons jaw and teeth with a baseball bat- to much worse things that I can't stomach.

It went on and on becoming more torturous and gruesome until I finally woke up.
I was shocked.
Did I really just visualize myself doing all those things? Because in real life- I'd rather die. And I know that without a doubt. I. Would. Rather. Die. than do some of the things I did to that woman.

W.o.w.z.e.r.

292

{text of the day}
Scott: "So, I'm on the beach in Hawaii-what are you doing?"
Wow. That's all I got.



I mowed the lawn today. I haven't done that chore in years and now I remember why.
I've got some serious allergic reactions happening right now. It was pretty fun though- we've got one of the push ones and before I took care of it I put squish down in the middle of it.

The grass was seriously towering over his head- so funny.
I'm always amazed at how heavy grass actually is. Weird.

They closed the facility for work today, I'm not sure why because the weather isn't THAT bad, and seriously.. for having a job I'm sure not making much money yet. Can't the crazy thunderstorms and lightening take their business elsewhere? Sighs.

Lunch time.
What to eat.. what to eat...

291

It's late.
Alright, not really any later than usual but I didn't sleep much last night.
{{It was worth it.}}


So there's been something weighing on my mind. It all had to do with a good friend of mine and a horrific situation he found himself in. It was his fault, he brought it on himself but that doesn't mean that I enjoyed watching him suffer and be stepped all over. Anyone that knows me understands that I have a fierce and sometimes ridiculous loyalty to my friends and family. I'd do anything for them-including taking bullets-but I never wanted it to translate into "I'd do anything for them, even deliberately go against certain things I've been taught" Things that I've tried really hard to make a permanent part of who I am- and all the things that I want to strive to stand for.

But I messed up.
It happens, and while I KNOW and he knows that my intentions were good, the logic was wrong and I should have found a better way to explain my thought process to him without cutting corners to make things "easier". Because it only made those things that much more painful.

So this happened.
I messed up.
And his situation DID in fact get much better, and he got rid of the things that were bringing him down. And I feel good about that, but I've been trying for a couple days to tell him that I wasn't 100% honest about some things ( that's a nice way of saying that I lied-exaggerated the truth- about certain events and actions of a person)

It was Sunday night. I got home after talking with ANOTHER friend and once home realized that from that conversation this thing that I'd done was leaking into other relationships and harming them. I wrote some thoughts down in my journal.

I don't know how it goes for everyone else but there comes a time now and then where.. I don't just hop off the band wagon and spiral down- but I fly off that sucker like being lame is going out of style and do a jig. Ridiculous. So I decided to make a list of all the things I needed to sort through to get me back to a place of self respect and love, of honesty and peace.

Things on the list ranged from changing certain personality characteristics to mending relationships and apologizing for rash actions.
This one in particular ( the above mentioned) was the one bringing me really down.
So I lay in bed and typed out a text message to just get my thoughts out and all the things I wanted to say to this person. After reading it over ( the 22 texts) I sent him one ( it's about 2 am) saying that I needed to talk to him about some things and that I would text or call him the following morning.

Sending that, I lay down and cried my eyes out, knowing that what I was about to do.. confess, could leave me with a gaping soul hole because I would have deserved losing this persons friendship. While weeping I felt the adversary starting to work on me. I suddenly thought that I couldn't do. I just couldn't tell him what I'd done because I was so afraid.

What happened next was a testimony to me of how much the Lord wants us to utilize the atonement in our lives and fix the things that have been broken.

He CALLED me.
It was about 3 in the morning by this point.
And he told me he wanted to know what was going on.

It took me awhile to get composed and then to spill my sorry, pathetic guts to him. I've never cried to or in front of him- so that was hard feeling so vulnerable and exposing that part of myself to him but...
...he made things easy when he stopped me 1/2 way through and told me that he knew all along that I hadn't been being entirely honest, but that he also knew that I would come around and tell him, and that he knew my intentions were good. And that he knew that without the exaggerated truth he never would have had the courage to take care of HIS business. It's very backwards.

I'm glad he forgave me so willingly but it took me off guard.
And I'm glad he called because I couldn't have done it in the end and it was essential to get this burden off my shoulders. And the Lord gave me the opportunity to clear my conscious.

Since that has been lifted off my face, the energy that I've absorbed from no longer having that burden on me has given me the strength to face other things on that list. And I'm glad to say that some of those things have been resolved between early this morning and now- and it feels good.

I am continually amazed by how well the Lord knows me.
His gospel gives me many things- reason and purpose, understanding and hope- but more importantly to me at this particular time in my life it gives me identity; a place in this world where it's so easy to feel lost of forgotten. And I'm grateful for that!

mmhm!

290

Alright.
{Tonight was awesome.}
{TODAY was awesome.}


I snoozed right on through the shallow water aerobic training this morning (okay, that wasn't so awesome). Apparently I'm supposed to just show up to a couple- see what's going on- figure out how to make it my own and then I'm being launched into teaching classes in about a week. I'm actually REALLY excited about it. It'll be a nice to change to just sitting in a chair to teaching the woman (and few men that come) how to work out in the water. And I'll get a nice little work out as well!

So around noon I went to lunch at Costa Vida with Sarah. It was.. lunch. Costa Vida has the most amazing shredded chicken salad ever. It was great. Top that off with a styrofoam cup of ice cold water and badda bing badda boom. Perfect!
A couple hours later I headed to the pool for an extra hour to help pull mats, and then we had a meeting with the HR reps from the city, a customer service lady come in and talk to use about.. ya know.. being a good employee (smiling and such) and then we had a workshop about sexual harassment.

All in all, common sense. I honestly don't know why he had to go through all that but.. I'm not on city counsel and don't ever plan on being on it so I guess I just.. do what I have to do.

Headed to the gym, worked out pretty hard. I'm pretty impressed. I stopped doing all the classes to see if I figured out a way to keep variety in my workout. And this week I've succeeded on my own. Of course I still have Patrick on Saturday mornings- which is great, but I've been worried about my weight creeping back up because I'm not training with trainers ya know. But I've maintained and I've found ways to do different excersizes so I'm not getting bored or stuck in a set routine.

It was great.
Tonight I got a surprise.

I was sitting on facebook just chatting and checking out some blogs. Scott started booking me asking what I was up to- what could I say? "I'm so super busy...." Yeah, I mean I was on facebook. So he asked if he could come over.

I was like, well yeah but I don't have ANYTHING planned for what we could do. I kinda freaked out about it because I've been down that road before, I put alot of myself and alot of work into that relationship before and in the end he didn't see me the way that I thought he did. So I backed off, and have been doing my own thing, and honestly haven't even really been thinking about him. He's been trying to hang out a bunch, so I gave in and he came over.

We actually had a really great time. We talked, played some Jenga. And then he helped me make some more stepping stones for our garden (what a good sport), we had some ice cream. Talked some more. He ended up staying longer than he originally planned. Invited me to go hiking tomorrow morning and.. it was great.

I'm really comfortable around him and I'm glad we're friends. And it was really nice to have someone want to come and spend some one on one chill time with me. It didn't have to be intricate or super planned ( like I was freaking out about how it wasn't) but it ended up being really sweet. He fits in with my family well, and I don't feel weird about my parents or siblings joining in on our conversation or anything like I do with alot of the boys I've liked.. or have liked and it hasn't worked out.

So tonight was pleasant.
And I'm glad I told him he could come over.
I hope we stay friends FOREVER. And that he'll always be there to do some odd crazy random things with me and just be CHILL with it.


So sweet.
Rockin.

289

Alright. the last couple of days (has it been weeks since I've written on this thing?) have been wild.
Work has started and with it the weight of worrying about money-if I have it or not-has been lifted off my shoulders. And can I just say that the world is a little brighter, I'm smiling more, I feel productive and worth something. It's SUCH a good feeling to be employed- and not just that but to be employed at something that I KNOW I'm good at.

Wow. It feels great.
There's already been some drama- I went all last summer without having to make a save but my second day on the job I had to dive in after 2 little kids. Alright, the first one actually probably would have been ok- it looked like she was swimming alright-but then she looked straight up at me and called for help so.. not wanting to be sued I jumped in ( she was fine though). The other one though, wow- it really scared me and the parents treated me like a moron for saving her.

"She was fine."
"If she was fine I wouldn't have had to dive in and grab her off the bottom."
"She's been over here most of the time."
"No she hasn't- there are 3 guards here that have been concerned about her for the past 2 hours."
"Well, we only just turned around for a second."
"Ok well even if I believed that sometimes a second is all it takes- and for the record-that was one ridiculously long second."

I just hate stupid parents- and I love that this job is going to make me a better one when the time comes. (Ben was right)

So that's been exciting, and it's felt so good to be outside and making new friends. I was worried about co-workers but this year we've got some pretty sweet people that are working with me- and I can't wait to meet and chill with all of them!

I've been sick for a little while. I'm not really sure what's been happening because I'm not one to get sick very often or very seriously. But it's been weird. 11 lbs lost and still dropping, of course most of it's water weight because I can't even keep down a cup of water. I have headaches because I'm so dehydrated, and I'm irritable and just feeling jibbled because this just.. doesn't happen to me.

Intestinal infection.
That's what it is, but I don't actually KNOW what that means ya know?
I don't really care, as much as I just want it to go away.

So.. since that's been going on I've been reading alot, and I'm now in Season 3 of lost ( near the end though-which is exciting!) and chillaxing.

Today I felt good enough to go play some volleyball with some friends. It was fun, it even rained a little which was refreshing. Scott came so that was fun and all around I had a REALLY good time.
I'm really proud of Jarren. Some crazy things have happened in the last couple of weeks and I've worried about the ultimate end result but I'm glad to say that things are going good for him and he's got a good head on his shoulders about everything. I'm glad he's not going back into a situation where he could get hurt- and he used my advice.

He told me I was right when I said that you can tell a lot about a person by who their best friend is- and that became very apparent when that was all explained at his lunch with the woman in question.

But I'm glad he gets it.
I'm feeling like some sour patch kids.....