345

The only ads I read that come in the Sunday paper, are the ones that are aesthetically pleasing {to me}. You know the ones I'm talking about right? The glossy ones. Yep. The only ones I give any notice to.

later


Alright, so I've been thinking about some things, goals, habits, that I'd like to pursue this year at school. And I guess I've come up with quite the list because I'm taking some time to jot everything down here.

Read scriptures every morning, daily prayer, temple at least once a month.


I'd like to make a goal to look my absolute best every single day. It's a pretty constant thing that I work on, but I'd really like to make an even more concentrated effort to ensure this happens. It would be too easy to simply roll out of bed in sweats to walk to my 730am MATH class every day, but I'm not going to let that happen! Every day, up, presentable, looking my best- because that's when I FEEL my best as well.

I will get enrolled in an Institute class within the first week of classes starting, and I will go every single time this semester. -unless I'm ill-

Within the first week of classes I will make a workout schedule for myself. At least an hour, every single day with the exception of Sunday. I do this anyways, but-a constant, routine schedule that will ensure that I have enough energy, get enough sleep, EAT healthy (because I always eat healthy if I'm exercising) and feel my best also. -unless I'm ill-

I'm going to join at least one club- and make it a point to go, attend, help out, etc when they need me, and when I'm able.

I'm going to try and make it to every activity possibly WITHIN my schedule with school and work. Dances, games, volunteer projects, poetry night, fry night, anything where you can meet people and make some new friends and memories.

I want to learn how to cook. So I'm going to aim for 1 actual meal every 2 weeks that I make from a recipe. And I mean a meal, not a dessert or snack.

I'm going to smile more. That's pretty general.

And that's all for now.

344

{buried. treasure.}

So I haven't spent some good quality time with my Hillside friends from Apt 12 in ages. Normally our bi-weekly fry night is held in town-the town-but THIS time it was in MY town, and Scott's (Knight) town.
It's been a while since I last spent time with friends in general. (minus my short magical camping trip um, last week. I'm not counting that because I see those girls all the time.)

I'm not sure why this is so.
I tried to think about it. I've been working heaps of hours. And I know I've kind of withdrawn. And I guess I'm not living in those apartments so it makes sense that I wouldn't see them often. But after tonight I'm starting to realize that should hardly be an excuse. I need more of these people in my life. {buried.treasure.}

Because they aren't like anyone else I know.
They do things differently.
Things are more relaxed.
They spend time together, the way I spend time with my family, or on my own after a long day.
Playing games, listening to music, catching up, just enjoying each others company.
Maybe that's why I'm just unbelievably comfortable when I step into their company. There's no pressure to be anything but who I am and just laugh! And I'm pretty good at that. Laughing I mean, and with THEM being who I am.

Plus there's always something new to try out in the fryer Scott received at Christmas this last year. Tonight on the menu was a fried pancake with an oreo in the middle. I was worried {I mean, you would be worried to right?}, I'm not gonna lie-but I trust Scott, so of course I took a bite and dare I say it.. it was delightful! And then we split another.

It was nice to catch up, talk about our lives, here some funny stories. He played the guitar and we talked about getting together for steaks with Jared sometime soon. I need to be spending more time with these people because I leave feeling uplifted and wanting to be better. Such amazing examples, and how lucky I am to know them.

{buried.treasure.}

Because every time I leave from spending time with them I feel as though I've left with something timeless and priceless.

343

So I'm checking out my school schedule for this semester, and it's a joke.
I mean, I just changed my major so I wasn't able to sign in for classes online on TIME... for any of the ones I ACTUALLY need. Mostly I'm going to be popping into each class hoping the professor will sign my little slip and let me stay.

But we'll see.
I just can't wait to get back into the hustle and bustle of campus. Meeting people, the dances, learning things, having a schedule to stick to, meeting people and.. the dances. CAN'T wait.
And hopefully this job works out and I LOVE it, because that would be grand.

Till' I find out if I snaggled it or not I'm still putting in some impressive hours at the pool, trying to find a time to go school shopping because I have.. nothing, and just doing what I do.

I just finished Catching Fire.

342

Tonight was one of the best nights I've ever had at work.
I don't know why.
And I'm good with that.

341

{Idiot}

Because I honestly handle conflict like a 4 year old. A glorified 4 year old. I AM 4 years old.

Call me 4 years old!! but I guess I feel less attached to someone if they're only a number in my phone {and other places} as opposed to an actual name. If your actual NAME is in my phone, then you're golden. As soon as I can't handle you anymore, or I'm too confused and tired that I can't begin to even THINK about handling things WITH you anymore, you're name is deleted and you'll show up as a number.

I'm not as attached to numbers as I am to actual names.
There doesn't have to be much feeling behind a number.
A number is empty and meaningless and does nothing negative to affect me.
If you're a number, you can't hurt me anymore.

He's been a number for a couple of weeks now. It's a defense mechanism. It's.. reTARDED. Today I acted like a prick at work. Why? It's not because I'm angry at him, or feeling bitter or resentful. It ISN'T. I don't have those types of feelings for ANYONE. Almost EVER. It's because I know this friendship is imbalanced. It's because I have always cared too much about him. And I always will if I continue to keep him as a close part of my life. I've tried. Again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again. Because I've been so AFRAID to just let it go. Like I'll lose something by walking away from this. Like I'll have regrets or second thoughts. Like it could all just be a BAD idea. It's not something I want to deal with anymore, it's not something I feel as though I should HAVE to deal with.

I only did nothing.
Which always feels worse than doing something.

I ignored him, walked away from him. Was openly avoiding him, not bothering to try and even disguise it. Prick. It's on my stupid forehead, but I don't know how else to deal with this. So I've been "cleansing". He's a number, he's blocked, he's ignored, he will be forgotten. I don't know if that's what I want yet or not, but I'm sick of feeling wishy washy so I'm just going to continue.

My life is so dramatic sometimes.
My new motto is "No Men, 2010". {Compliments of Karrie!}
And already the air feels a little less toxic, and I feel less frantic.




anyways.



I applied to be Physical Therapy Aid. I've never wanted a job so badly in my entire life. I WANT THIS. It's something I could see myself doing for a very long time, and the place that I love, surrounded by people I know and that support me in my health lifestyle goals. I can't see myself anywhere else, feeling as happy as I do at just the THOUGHT of getting this job. I NEED THIS.


So everyone cross your fingers for me.
School starts in a week.
New Zealand in October.
And yeah.

340 [that's what she said]

-sparks flying out of the fire-
"WOAH, right into my crotch!"
"... that's what she said"

-setting up camp-
"Hey, maybe you should get over here and help me pitch the tent"
"... that's what she said"

-about the tent poles-
"If you bend it, we can just bend it BACK in the morning"
"... that's what she said"

-about the tent-
"So, how many people can you fit in this?"
"They say 'eight'"
"Yeah right."
"I know, I'm thinking you could fit four comfortably"
"... that's what she said"

-as the night became later and colder-
"Should we move things inside?"
"... that's what she said"

-once we decided to move into the tent-
"You brought a DVD player?"
"Well yeah, it's just a tiny little thing!"
"... that's what she said"

-truck-
"We need to put this thing into 4Wheel drive and GO!'
"... that's what she said"

-morning dew-
"Why is it all wet?"
"That's what happens in the morning"
"... that's what she said"

-dance party-
"There's some boys biking around here"
"I'm pretty sure they saw us"
"... that's what she said"

- playing truth or day-
"I want you to know that I just videotaped that entire thing"
"... that's what she said"

- filling up the air mattress-
"Shouldn't this be getting bigger?"
"... that's what she said"

-about the fire-
"So I think we're almost out of wood"
"... that's what she said"

-about the camp chairs-
"Hey, move it a little to the left"
"... that's what she said"

-tinfoil dinners-
"Why is this taking so long?"
"... that's what she said"

-roasting hot dogs-
"You have to slowly rotate it, so you get the whole thing"
"... that's what she said"

-driving into the complex"
"You should pull in there and stop.
"... that's what she said"


{and that's only the beginning. it was a REALLY good weekend for camping with the girls.I.LOVE.THEM.}

[change is coming]

339

{Camping tomorrow}

English words [or any other words] really do not and cannot adequately embody enough the sheer childlike joy and euphoria that is PulsinG through my ENTIRE body at the very {{thought.}} I have been awaiting this trip the entire summer.

And tomorrow, we're finally going!

So here is what's on the agenda: laughing and lots of it, playing at the lake (sand castles, burying, skinny dipping, running, jet skiing), campfire, tinfoil dinners, smores, I can't wait to sit in my camp chair, sip some hot chocolate or cider- while listening to some sweet sweet tunes, ghost stories, tasteful gossip, hoodies and sweatpants!, sleeping bags, air mattresses (cause we're awesome), late night hikes, biking, exploring the caves, water fights, raspberry shakes, sunshine, coolers! I can't wait to fill up my cooler!, tents, did I mention laughing? Girl talk (with more laughing), games, dancing, etc. And seriously, that's probably only the beginning.

I. CANNOT. wait. I CAN'T.

So I'm gonna start packing.

338

Can't we just spend ALL our time together?

337

{Nelly. Just A Dream. LOVE.}
This entry is a little intense, because I'm feeling really intense, but I guess it doesn't matter because it's my blog.
It's times like this, when I feel like THIS, that I need {G} to be here. It's not so much that he can solve my problems, or make everything that hurts me go away. He can't change those things, he can't actually create happiness for me. He can't. And I know that. But he helps. He can make me laugh, he's great at taking my mind off things that make me sad, and he KNOWS what it feels like to have the 6th sense that I have. Because he has it to.

I'm sick of it.
I know it's a blessing if you look at it in a certain light. And when I CAN see it in that light I appreciate it. But it's times like this, when I feel like THIS, that despite what I try and do, I just CAN'T.

I've been at this point so many times, and I'm long past handling it. I can't believe how many times I've somehow been able to push through, get over, or managed to move on from this or that. I admire how far I've come, for myself. I'm grateful that I've overcome the things that I have, in the way that I have, and I KNOW that I have much to be grateful for. And I am grateful.

But I'm broken. I've never been at this level before. I've had rough times, who hasn't?- but I've never been so AFRAID in my entire life. I'm scared. I'm terrified that I can't give anymore. I'm horrified at the thought that maybe I really can't care. And I'm upset that I feel as though I just.can't.love.100%. anymore.

It goes beyond anything that I've been able to or COULD possibly FULLY explain. I've had to rebuild walls and secure this fortress around me so many times. Each time it's broken down the overhaul becomes more intense and more "bullet" proof. I'm afraid that pretty soon nothing will be able to get in. I don't just mean bad things, things that cause pain, anxiety, or just confusion. But good things to. I'm worried that eventually I'm just not going to be myself anymore. I'm already NOT who I was before I first fell in love with someone. I'll never love like THAT again. And I'm okay with that because I can still be 100% to a different caliber. But what happens when there's just not another caliber?

What type of person, is THAT kind of person?

Am I turning into that?

"I just want you to know that I've made you a priority. I've been putting lots of other potential on hold because I wanted to be 100% for you, in this particular caliber. It's not a sacrifice because it's something that I want to do. That I know I have to do to fulfill my life's goal of "no regrets." I want you to appreciate that I care about you enough to do THIS for you. I'm not running away when I'm terrified. I'm not avoiding you when I feel insecure or unworthy, undeserving. I'm not giving up when I KNOW that it would be so much easier to do so. I'm being brave-for you- in a way that I never have been before. I'm facing this head on, heart open and am willing to work through all the discomfort, that sick feeling in my stomach when I think you might be having second thoughts, or changing your mind entirely, I'm willing to go through that. I've only said that about one other person. This is a big deal. Do you understand that? It's not easy. It will never be easy, but I'm here. I'm here. I'm here NOW. Because you matter to me. Because THIS matters to me. I'm doing things your way, which really isn't MY way at all. I'm practicing patience I never thought in my LIFE I would have, HAVE to have. I've kept my emotions in line and in check in a way that I never thought would be possible for someone like ME. I'm making myself vulnerable-for you-and that's the greatest gift I can give to you. Please understand and appreciate that."

336

{Oct 28th -Nov 12th I'll be in New Zealand.}

Where will YOU be?

335

{It's time to grow up.}

I dunno. Lately I've been feeling really "teenage". No, maybe that's the wrong word, more just inexperienced, undeveloped, immature, or like I've been taking the backseat most of my life. Alright.. ."teenage" it is.... I don't know if I have or not, I'm just saying that's sorta kinda what it's been feeling like.

Let's take school for example. Always a BAD example because I kinda suck at school but.. SCHOOL.
I don't regret the decisions I made to take a year off and travel, and all the other times I took semesters off because I didn't have the motivation that was needed, or work was more important, or this was just WHERE I WAS IN LIFE. I learned more in that year than I have in my entire life, I'd go back and do the same thing over again if that was a possibility. BUT. Everyone IS ahead of me in their ya know.. educational careers. Not that I KNOW what I want to do REALLY yet, or that I really WANT a career.. but .. they're ahead.

I feel immature.

How about work for example. WORK. I was looking around the other day, and I DO have a lower level job at the place I work. There are people younger or my same age managing the place or with better titles and higher pay. I've never applied for those types of jobs, and I guess it's because I feel as though.. it's one of those things were you get in with the people you know, or with other such experiences you've had. And.. I just don't have either of those things where I work. BUT. I know that I could manage and work harder and more efficiently then some of the clowns that are in those positions now. So why don't I do something about it? I don't I apply for these higher paying jobs with more responsibility?

Because I feel immature.

How about dating for example. DATING. Oh GOSH. Where do I even begin? I've realized that, I just don't how HOW to date. It's a skill, and I just don't seem to have it. I suck at dating. I'm either too passive, or somewhat aggressive. I have a hard time going with the flow. I have a hard time with limbo. I have certain needs that make me seem juvenile. I need to be complimented. I need to feel as though I'm needed. I need to be on the same page and KNOW that I'm on the same page with the other person involved. I need someone who wants to sit and just talk every now and then. I KNOW I need that. But.. ya know.. I mean I don't need to go into the problems that that causes. The neediness. But it seems pretty simple to me. There's the problem.

I'm really immature.



So here's what I'm gonna try and do.
School. I'm going to sit on Sunday and really go through all the different majors offered at my University and try to figure out the best way to go about it. Even if that means designing my own major, online classes, workshops, or.. whatever. I'm going to get it paid for, figured out my books, etc.

Work.
I'm going to find a different job. I'm going to apply for jobs that I've never had before and I'm going to use the "ins" that I have to get some higher pay, and maybe some experience for something later on in the future. Also. I'm going to start shadowing Patrick for personal training information.

Dating.
Ef. I think for now, I'm just not going to care. Try and figure out MYSELF before I try to figure out this retarded situation I'm in with {s}.

Camping next weekend. FINALLY.
I can't wait for the fire, tunes, tinfoil dinners, ghost stories, gossip, games, laughter, the lake, kayaking, biking, nature, etc. SO ready for that. And then hopefully SkyDiving for my last SHAZAAM of summer.

334

{We went on the sky ride} I haven't been that freaked for anything in ages. You know the ride I'm talking about right? You're strapped in with one or two other people, slowly pulled to the top of some metal pole thing, then once at the top someone pulls the cord and you drop into a swinging motion flying above the amusement park.

The worst part is the climb, but after that things are grand.
I laughed all day.
It was wonderful.

333

Lagoon. Tomorrow. With him.

332

He's just going to have to do better than this.
I can feel it.
He's losing me.

So just now I'm talking to Wisteria. She said something that I really liked, so I'm jotting it down.
Here and now.

"i think patience is a virtue.
lost on too many people
or given up on too frequently

i think delayed gratification makes it all the more worth it"

{I needed that. Thank you.}

331 [Just Dance]

My friend Alyssa posted this thing on FB. So..I'm gonna do it.

THE RULES:
1.) Put your Itunes, Windows Media Player,etc. on shuffle.
2.) For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3.) YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4.) Tag 20 friends. (Make me #1 so I can see your results.) ;P
5.) Everyone tagged has to do the same thing.
6.) Have fun!


1.) IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY', YOU SAY?
Never Say Never -Justin Beiber

2.) HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Painting By Chagall- The Weepies

3.)WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Crimes-The Blood Brothers

4.) HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Missing You-Jem

5.) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
My Lovely Man-Red Hot Chili Peppers

6.)WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
Sway- Melinda Dolittle

7.) WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Extraordinary Machine-Fiona Apple

8.) WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Girls Lie Too-Terri Clark

9.) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Worms Make Dirt-The Aquabats


10.) WHAT IS 2+2?
The Wedding Song-Corpse Bride Soundtrack

11.) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Center Of Attention-Guster

12.) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again-Phantom Of The Opera Soundtrack

13.) WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Mood Rings-Relient K

14.)WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
My First Kiss-3OH!3

15.) WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Let Me Clear My Throat-DJ Kool

16.) WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Big Things Poppin'-T.I.

17.) WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Island Of The Hone-Hot Hot Heat

18.)WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Unwritten-Natasha Bedingfield

19.) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Supermassive Black Hole-Muse


20.)WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
Stronger-Britney Spears

21.) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Here We Go Again-Paramore

22.)WHAT WILL YOU NAME THIS NOTE?
Just Dance-Lady Gaga

330

330? {It FEELS like 330 IN THE MORNING.}
I should be asleep. Training tomorrow-at 9am.
14 hour day at work. In the roasting heat. With heaps of awkwardness. Awkwardness causes stress. Stressed? All the time. Maybe I could try and uh fix that? But see, I'm not the one that initiates. Just the victim. A [[constant]]. Like the speed of light. If there's even a chance of something becoming awkward I seem to be at the forefront to take the initial blast. Sometimes it's funny (well, later it's ALWAYS funny..with the right people) but mostly... it just makes me feel inadequate (in some way or another, I can't really explain it)

[I am here to remind people of why they should be grateful for the lives they have.]

THAT explains it.

So it went by pretty quickly...actually. I know right? All that cry.baby.ing for NOTHING! And there was a good hour and a half where we didn't have to work because of a thunder.lightening.rain storm. [twas' heavenly] Plus we got fed by the reservation that came (I had the most delicious hamburger-with marinated mushrooms-I've ever eaten), and it wasn't too chaotic because of the clouds and wind. I rotated You-Know-Who the whole time, {all} {day} {long}. It was alright. We had some silly moments (meh. we always do), but it's hard when inbetween chairs there's a good.. WHAt? 10 seconds to converse, and MOSTLY it's about watching this kid, or looking out for stupid parents #12? He DID eat dinner with me though, and has been making an effort to fill the proximity gap that's kinda been there. I know it's maybe.kinda.sorta.completely.pathetic., but if I don't feel like you're comfortable around me physically...probably not going anywhere. But he's making an effort- and I'm very grateful.

I haven't been with a "slow.mover" for awhile, but I think I should probably DO things that way.
Mostly I feel like I have 2 speeds. Totally passive and nothing goes anywhere, or things go full throttle and go places WAY to fast. A medium would be good, and thus far... he's pretty medium..

I wonder what he'd say if I told him I described him that way on my blog. Pretty medium.
Whatever.


He's got the greatest laugh.

329

He told me the noodle would have needles in it and would be wet. Needles that would hold a convincing serum to persuade "he who will not be named on my blog" to get a sub.
{A. Convincing. Serum.}
THAT was the first step to falling in love. At least that's what I'll tell my children if they ever want to know.
Seriously.

We biked to work this morning. [and it was beautiful] We thought it was at least 15 miles, turns out it was only 9 miles-It took us 40 minutes. What. the. heck? We SHOULD have been able to do that in 20 minutes tops. I'm blaming the lights we hit, the scare on airport road, and in short (because I don't want to explain) my nerves. But it was a nice morning ride, and I'd definitely like to do that again. He only worked swim lessons, but I was on the clock till' about 445pm. He biked home, and then later drove my car back in (because it has a nice little bike rack on the back) to pick me up. There was no way I was biking uphill for 9 miles after an 8 hour day in the sun.

He told me later in the car:
"So, when I came in-everyone asked why I was there. I told them that I'd come to pick you up so you didn't have to ride your bike home. They freaked out"
"What do you mean?"
"They kept saying how sweet that was of me, and were cooing and cawing all over the place. It was funny"
"Well, I have to agree with them."

I don't really know where this is going, but it was a good day today.
So.

Tonight I've got the munchies, but would really like to chow down on something healthy.
I keep trying to think of something that would satisfy those.. desires. I'm drawing blanks.
My family comes back in a little while from vacation, and soon this job will be over, school will start, and I'll be.. somewhere NOT here.

I feel odd.

328

So my family left on vacation this morning at 4am. Which means I have from now until Friday night to get some exciting things done. It's 'OVERHAUL 2010". And thus far I'm feeling pretty productive.

I started outside and cleaned up the front part of our yard ( there's lots of yard though so.. that'll take awhile to do all of it), but the mudroom is done, the computer area, the kitchen. I have the dining room, play room, patio, and living room to do before I'll call it a pretty good day- but I'd like to do the stairs, storage room, and under the stairs before I REALLY call it good. So, that'll be fun.

I like having the house all to myself, and with all the packrats gone I can get rid of loads of stuff. 5 industrial sized garbage bags already and it's not even noon.

I love it!

There are the girls rooms, garage, vanity, bathrooms and showers, isaac's room, the backyard, hallways, stairs, closets, and firepit to get done... and I honestly can't wait. So I must be off!

327

So I guess I'm just back where I started.