493

I've been worrying about what my plan is for summer. For awhile it felt like I was supposed to stay here, save money, begin an actual foundation for myself in this beautiful valley. That's beginning to change as summer gets closer and closer and as I dislike my current job more and more. It sucks that it's not actually even the job that's the problem-just worn down by fellow coworkers and the insecurity that comes from a fluctuating paycheck and tip deposit. I tried to get on board to be an EFY counselor but it closed a lot sooner than anyone I talked to anticipated and didn't get to the application in time. Thinking about jobs I could try and find that could keep me here doesn't spawn any brilliant ideas..... just ideas that are NOT brilliant.

So. Doing a search for summer jobs away from here cause.. it's all just getting old.
I found something pretty amazing. A job to work in Seattle Washington working with grassroots programs to bring about change in environmental and human rights issues. Walking around, getting people talking, organizing events and spreading the word to help people get informed. Applied. I'll hear back in about a week. Sounds like something I would do, and with ENVS being my major with a minor in writing this would be some great hands on experience out doing what I can see myself doing.

So from now until summer I will apply for one job a day that has something to do with something that I could possibly be interested in. What a fool proof plan this is.

Ready for a new day.

492

{wood to coal to oil to gas}

Bluefin Tuna= sushi
95% of my states food is imported (mostly from California)-that was a surprise.
Urban sprawl
the "gloom and doom"

Spiritual food for thought:

Every act we do should be ratified and approved by the Holy Ghost.

"When you choose to follow Christ, you choose to be a changed." -Ezra Taft Benson-

"Probably the greatest challenge and the most difficult thing you will face in mortal life is to learn to control your thoughts. Those who can control their thoughts have conquered themselves."

"I have come to know that thoughts, like water, will stay on course if you make a place for them to go. Otherwise, our thoughts follow the course of least resistance, always seeking for the lower levels."

Are we controlling where are thoughts take us? Or are our thoughts controlling where we go?

___________________________

Finding the right words has never really been my problem. It comes easy. The last couple of weeks have thus been interesting. What's even more interesting is that a comment made about an experience in high school is what finally brought all the right words streaming into my mind. And Institute today reaffirmed them powerfully. Who knew that all those awful memories might one day be a help to me? Certainly not me, but I am incredibly grateful, now.

491

Tahoe's sleeping on the red couch.
D-ojee's sleeping in the sun.
Isaac's sleeping in his room.


I'm sliding around the kitchen in socks listening to Kesha-Blow, Black Eyed Peas- Time, and Cataracs-Bass Down Low.




Awesome Sunday.

490

This place, is about to blow.



Snowshoeing this morning was absolutely amazing. I've never gone when there's been such beautiful snow. It was soft, and deep, and white, and untouched. Trekking through it with the crew was hhhhhhhhhh. Felt super comfortable, nice steady pace, sun shining, so much laughing-wonderful times. Came home, had just enough time to shower, relax for a bit then head into work.

It sucked.
But I got cut early.
Not that I'm doing anything awesome.
Sitting here trying to get my Response Paper going for "A Rose For Emily". Writers block. But before I head to bed I will have SOMETHING put down on this Word Document so I can have things going for Monday (which is when I'll finish it)

Also. Test. I keep forgetting that part. Ah! 2 tests.
Later.

489

Charcoal project in progress.
I sat down and honestly couldn't do anything for like... 20 minutes. I sat on the chair, staring at the still life, trying to figure out how to begin it. Zach came over and asked me if I was alright. It was weird that I almost started crying. I told him I didn't know how to start it so he took my place and put a few things down on the paper that I could begin working with. The result was amazing. I got into it, I figured it out, and he came back over a couple hours later to see how I was doing and things were good.

Zach's a really good instructor, and I'm glad that he sat down with me and had me tell him what I thought was interesting, what I wanted to accomplish and the visual effect that I wanted to create. It's really cool. Not finished yet, but I'm really proud of what I have so far.

Sidenote:
I believe in animal therapy.

488

My eye, is so dry. I attempted to put Visine in it (this was a desperate go, I HATE drops-MORE than I hate needles-it was rough), but I'm sure I cried them out. Pretty sure that's why it's so dry and scratchy now. Do you think smudging vaseline in it would help? Sighs. I ate a ton today-appetite is definitely back on the up and up. I always feel a bit bitter sweet about that.

So I took my contact out. Skewed vision has given me a headache. It's times like these that I go back to thinking about Lasik. I'd never be brave enough to go through with it. Eye surgery stuff.... sick. I can barely put in contacts without squirming about how weird it is. I just have this thing with my eyes I suppose.

Anyway. Highlights?
Sunshine day.
Mom waking me up to ask if I wanted to go to the circus. No joke.

487

Brian Reagan.
Laughed my face off. Abs are tight this morning. Greatest thing I've ever witnessed and it felt good. Way glad I had the opportunity to go and partake of the humor. Thank you Joni!

I sped home and scampered up the stairs ready to hop into bed. Then realized I was starving. Snaggled a bowl of amazing hot soup, finishing readying for bed and burrowed under the covers. I sat there, in bed, sipping my soup and thinking about the day and just felt... calm, satisfied, and happy. Really a perplexing moment. Passed out rapidly with a stomach full of hot goodness, soft blankets, perfect pillows-total dreamless night.


I was woken up early by Daddy (really early). Heaps of snow, needed someone to help him shovel the ramp, driveways, and sidewalks. Somehow got up and dressed to help him, seriously I fell into a coma. It went pretty quickly, and I realized after I went back up to bed that this was a moment I wanted to remember. Waking up early and shoveling snow with my Daddy. I know it's weird, but it was a good thought before I fell back asleep until about 9:45.

Lots of my mind. This isn't going to make sense:


Money making weekends. Expectation and reality. A contest for perfection. Diminishing standards. Being good kids. Enjoying the view. An expensive camera. Homemade chicken noodle soup soup. Fish and Chips. Maple Springs Grove. Irish cooks. Game night. Lips and legs. Food fights and isolation. Back seat. Shirt and shoes off. Ties and vests. Over and done. Sunshine please. Fuel. BOMBSHELL. Fresh vegetables. Presidents day. New hair. Being better. More sleep. Support systems. Prayer. Long drives and fabulous tunes. Specs. Baseball hat. Ha ha ha! Bottlecaps. Friend or Foe? Halo. Writing contest, sketches with value. Uniforms. Strengthen nails. Clean and organize. Family own business nightmares. Live music. Best friend moving. Puppies. Clubs and bars. Strapless disco. Live recording.


Guitar.

486

I did it.
I took my story to Dustin to have him look over it. I've never really showed my work to anyone. As I walked over to his office my stomach clenched, I got all sorts of nervous and almost didn't go through with it. The story is honestly a part of my soul-and to put that in the hands of someone else DEFINITELY makes me feel vulnerable. Especially someone so accomplished. I gave him a couple disclaimers, and then nervously bit my nails, played with my phone, twitched my foot and blinked a lot while he read it.


UM. HE LOVED IT.
And gave me tons of encouragement. Emphasized the parts that he liked and helped me figure out the tense (because I really struggled with what tense to put it in). He highlighted his favorite lines, gave me a couple links to more contests that are coming up and told me that I definitely need to keep writing and he'll help me whenever I want.


It felt really good.
And now I can go through the tenses, reconstruct the beginning, and figure out my dialogue. Then go through things again with him to polish it up perfectly.
It's going to be great. And I'm glad someone else thinks so also.



He told me I got full credit on my presentation.
Also. Pretty sure I aced my ENVS test.


One of the contests is for the New York Times, supposed to write a piece about "modern love" so basically about sex and relationships. Should be pretty interesting. Totally going to go for it.

485

You know what...




I'm done with this.



FREEDOM.

484

The world has been happy since Monday.
BLUE skies, wind warming up, the soggy ground drying up, things slowly becoming greener, jackets are coming off, and the socks too.
Happy world=a more happier me.

I've been trying to figure out the things that are most important for me to be focusing on currently. Since my mind has been whirling around since this revelation, and because I'm no closer to figure out what those things are, I figure I'm going with what can't be a bad option.

So I've decided to work on taking my own personal spirituality up a couple notches. Thinking about things more, making some short term goals, being more sincere in everything that I do. I suspect that's probably a good place to start right? Then hopefully things will start falling where they need to fall. And I hope that what falls is what I want, and that God wants it for me also.
Also- my health. Can definitely be a little more aware of that.

In other news:

I'm setting a deadline for my story. I'm going to give myself 12 hours starting tomorrow at noon. So by midnight tomorrow night I WILL have the last paragraph put together and then can work on refining it.

I've got a huge test coming up in ENVS uh.. .THIS Friday. Haven't been doing the reading, really haven't been getting into the class as much as I should have been. Tomorrow there will be a couple review sessions-definitely need to hit those up.

We start playing with charcoal powder today in Art (ps, remember to wear close I don't care about) & I finished my sketch on Banksy.

Things to look forward to:

Next week I DON'T WORK FRIDAY NIGHT. What?? OH my GOSH. Way excited-something awesome is definitely going to happen that night-so help me.

Geek photo shoot.

Game night.





Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

483

Been spending lots of time looking up at the sky.




Please make it stop.

482

Life's hilarious.


{Jared Diamond is an idiot.} Really tired of talking about his theories, ideas and opinions. I mean, if I wanted to join a book club, to discuss "Guns, Germs and Steel", I would have and probably could have done it for free.

I can't believe the entire class has been based on this book.
Seriously.
Thank goodness for Jo Tainter and his opposing ideas. I actually understand and agree with him on most things-too bad he was only a guest speaker today. Really thinking about taking a class from him. Complexity and Innovation. Yes. Only the rest of this semester to go. Sighs.


It's strange hating something, and also finding it interesting.
Don't get it. Or maybe it makes sense. Whatever.

Funny drive tonight.
I told Sarah that I've been swearing a lot lately. She busted up, then I busted up and we laughed like maniacs for a good minute or too. We don't know what's wrong with us. Then she told me that if I was a man, she'd marry me. That started the laughing again. I dig that.

Finished my triangulation piece.
It's awesome.
Been listening to Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Love track 4.
And 8.
Mm MM mm.

The bruises on my legs are bigger now, and I love it.
And more white splotches have shown up on my left arm, and I'm good with it.
I've got this weird bump in my neck, and I think it's funny.
My saliva glands are swollen and sensitive, I'm cool.
All of those things made my day. Seriously.
Really happy with the way things are.

Happy Valentines Day.

481

480

Ready.
Ready for something else.










I wonder if it's worth it.

479 {outdo yourself}

Let me just say this about my presentation:

IT. WAS. MINE.


Totally rocked it.
Led the class discussion.
Had some amazing insights.
Analyzed it perfectly.
Got everyone thinking.
Made everyone laugh.

"A" for Chelsea.

478

tumblr

So. Definitely planning on moving out with Heather as soon as she gets back-that's the plan-for now. It's just enough time get some money for those essentials that I don't have, and to find a more steady job. And if nothing comes up between now and then that doesn't take me away from home or something else- IT'S ON. So that's another thing to get excited about.

Life's been a lot better.
It always is once I decide to revert back to what I always forget. To just be real, and get honest. I think I'm pretty good at that anyways, but when it comes to how I'm feeling about things FOR myself, it's easy to justify letting things get to me, brushing things off, letting things fester. And then I remember that I'm worth being real and getting honest about ANYTHING I question.

Might take awhile to get there, but.. I always do.

Slept in today. Didn't mean to but could NOT peel myself from underneath my covers. Felt a little comatose. My body just kinda shuts down sometimes. It's good, because I don't think I could shut it down myself. So I didn't go to class-have Art at 330- I have my sketches done but I missed Monday ( And I think Monday we started our sketch that would take 2 days to finish-meaning that uh.... I won't have that done) Oh well.

I got Saturday off so I can go spend time with {D} and his family.
Friday I think he's gonna come and watch me perform (as long as this other band from Colorado still plans on canceling).


I need some food.
Also. Just found out the deadline for my short stories competition.
March 20th
THANK GOODNESS.

477

So ya know.
I don't do things half way. It's not like me,out of my element, and s I haven't felt like I could go "all in" with anything for a long time.
Now I do.
It's overwhelming.
Too much.

It's either completely passive, or overly active.
I'm kinda in limbo right now, exploding at the same time as imploding.
Kind of a weird feeling and I just want to let it all out!

476

Great night last night.
Some good laughs.
"I never knew how heavy a tree was, until I had to lift one"

Also.
Joni's taste in men was revealed- not creepy at all.

475

Stephani, while trying to decide if we're going to put together a short clip for our presentation:

"I think I know how to do stage make-up."

474

First, the boring stuff that I need to remember to do before Monday.
Story (one more blasted paragraph, then, TRIUMPH)
ENGL readings & presentation.
POLSCI quiz.
ENVS readings and brainstorming presentation.
General study for midterms.
1 sketch

Pretty busy weekend with work and such.
But good.
I'd rather be busy then bored out of my mind.

Last night was wonderful.
Great date followed by the most adorable door-step scene known to man.
Yep.
Handled.

473

Finished with one story.
The second one... it's going to be amazing.
6 paragraphs and it's taken me about 5 days. But it is PERFECTION.

I can't remember the last time I ate.
I'm waking up super early and going to bed really late.
But I haven't even noticed ( till just now thinking about it)

Big things in the works.