167

Alright.
It.. (VOMITS) {{snowed}}.
Even the word is shivering.

Yeah, that's right. I mean, I vaguely recall thrashing about all night because of the wailing cyclone trying to escape the outside (cold) world and attempting to enter my (warm) world. The waterfalling rain horsewhipping the tin roof. Pretty restless night, but I certainly wasn't expecting the gasping horror of snow. My insides literally churned into an unrelenting knot.
(Sighs) OK, it didn't touch me or anything, it's still isolated in the mountains (thank goodness), and I know that it will melt by tomorrow (hopefully) but it's more just the idea that's making me want to hurl.

Last year I spent Christmas on the warm beaches of Australia. It was about 90 degrees. Perfect Christmas weather as far as I'm concerned. And the rest of winter was spent in sunny, humid Thailand. It was a pretty good year. And I'm not ready for another winter in these here parts. This afternoon was pretty much torture. It wasn't raining, but those canyon winds blowing straight down onto campus are killer. I want to curl up and die when I think about trekking to my 7:30 AM class the rest of this semester. Wet snow. Ew.

It's dramatic.
But all true.

So this morning was spent watching my baby brother (UEA) while my madre' took my sister to PTA. I straightened my hair, which hasn't been done in a really long time. And I realized 2 hours later why it is that way. It takes to long, but it actually looked pretty nice today. And I wore my mustard shirt and pearls ( gotsta lurve the pearls!). It felt good.

Institute blew my mind today. The spirit was so strong in that room. If any of you that read this find that you have 7 min and 50 seconds to spare, check out this slideshow. It'll throw you for a loop. At least it did me. And maybe some of you have already seen, but it was my first time. It really strengthened my testimony on the reality of reunion.
It's actually going to happen. And this slideshow really brought that home for me. Most of the videos I've seen have included paintings from way back in the day, or oldish looking photographs but Mark Mabry hit this spot on in a modern, beautiful, full face hitting kind of way.

Check it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yioom_iTXug

From there headed to Anthropolgy which hasn't been that interesting lately. We've been talking about Medical Anthropology and for awhile I found myself super intrigued. We discussed Epidemiology ( the study of Epidemics) which really got my mind reeling.. maybe I'd like to study more about that. We discussed Immunization briefly (which is another area I'd be interested in if I was pre-med. I might take the Evolution of Disease course next semester anyways because it just sounds.. cool) and today we talked about witchcraft, sorcery and potions.. which sounds like it would be pretty sweet right?

I don't know. It just wasn't, and maybe because it was the way in which is was presented. My professor is really awesome. She did her dissertation on Sha-man in Peru ( spiritual healers) which of course is SUPER interesting.... to her.. But I guess I'm just not that interested. At all. She brings it up alot on a regular basis anyways but today the hour was spent listening to her tell stories about her experience and the rest listening to her discuss her research methods, etc. I got a little bored. ( hold the little)
But Lane told me he liked my mustard shirt ( which is the only reason I mentioned it above) which was awesome. He's a nice guy. Me and Wylie just kinda ignore each other now. I'm totally fine with it, and I'm not so stressed out anymore.

My Natural Disasters class professor races sled dogs.
How's that for a fun fact?

I finished my Brine Shrimp Biology lab. I'm a little miffed because our salinity percentages didn't really do a whole lot to increase or decrease hatching. And BECAUSE of that it's going to be difficult to find the standard deviation, oh and the error bars. How annoying. [next week is Sea Urchins] That was a hard one, cause I don't really care about Brine Shimp either, but we did get to see them hatch and what not so.. yay? Our paper on Title 9 is finished and will be turned in tomorrow and we have a chance for Extra Credit, so I hope my group studied Fallacious Arguments. I've got my Math homework done with the exception of 1 problem which I'll discuss with daddy later tonight- I loathe Linear Equations.. and.. I have a discussion online that I need to do for Anthropology.

Things are keeping me moderatly busy, which is good because as soon as finals gets here I'm sure I'll be pulling my own hair out. So until then I'm just going to keep rocking the moderately paced school year and keep my grades up. Should be fairly easy.

I'm proud to say that although my ENTIRE family got swine flu, I dodged the bullet and am still not suffering any of the symptoms. I think Sarah Lynne got it though. Sadness.
And as far as the cleansing. Its going pretty well. It's hard to fess up and admit I'm a loser, but it's felt really good so far and I hope the change I'm looking for continues to get closer and closer to the surface as I continue the process.
I'm working on a self portrait, and it's almost done! So.. I'll be putting that up here real soon like.
For now though... it's time for the onlind discussion. And then helping my mom make salsa! Mm mm mmmmmm!


Zonino!

_______________________________
This has nothing to do with.. anything. Im canceling my Myspace account because.. I don't use. But there were some stuff that I wanted to save.

I love trees... don't let me see you litter,, and we should get along just fine.


Here we go.... 2 shaped eyebrows... 2 shaped eyebrows that escalate when they inquire, scrunch when they're subjugated, and overwhelm when they're not plucked. 2 curious eyes that have seen and remembered much gratification and discontent. but no where near as much as they would like to take in. 2 full lips that s..h.u....d.d...e..r when they're upset, half-moon when they're e.c.S.t.atic, and pa-pa-purse when they're antagonized. 29 undisTORTED teeth that illuminate when they're self-conscious, impressed, or tantalized. 2 ears that have aquired an unfathomable respect and love for music.(Red Hot Chili Peppers will always and forever be #1) --I LOVE DEAF PEDESTRIANS!!-- 2 observant ears that pay attention, and long to learn. 1 secure neck that is eternally ex/e*rtin%g the !energy! to keep my head skyward. 2 strong shoulders that have no choice but to bear the burdens of personal goals, educational hopes, sometimes lasting bouts of depression, indescribable and unforgettable [[sins]] 2 strong shoulders that carry those things without resentment. 2 lusty hands that .crave. to be enter-twined with anothers, clean and l:a"b:o"r hard, and clench together every evening in private ♦seclusion♦. 10 energetic fingers that cross for good LUCK and ..fork/ for p.E.a.C.e. 2 sturdy legs that help me escape when I'm in danger, s..a..u..n..t..e..r... when I'm thoughtful, and fold when I'm feeling feminine. 2 legs that take care of me. 2 toned feet. 2 toned feet that put up with the running, that unDULaTE the water behind me, and tap tap to certain beats. 10 skinny toes that stand on themselves when I'm not tall enough, crinkle when I'm disgusted, and tingle when I'm eaGer. And 1 ♥. 1 ♥ that's experienced love, hate, joy, sadness, confusion, hurt, pain, respect, kindness, fear, attachment, resentment, and fulfillment.


this is me

I am a globe trotter


I've found that I'm happiest.. when I hold nothing back.

My world will "not" be easily sw/ay/ed.

166

Yeah. So... this is a HUGE reason that I enjoy living, where I do. And I'm sorry, I mean.. there's no other place in the whole freaking state that has this parade of colour. I don't really care what anyone else says. It's. Phenomenal. I just wish that the clouds hadn't come today so that I could've snapped some more of the awesomeness. Maybe tomorrow. Cross our fingers.
Today was a fantastic waste of time. I don't really know why I'm finding it so hard to stay awake. I could start working out more. Maybe that would help me stay awake more during the day, and sleep better at night. School's a little monotonous. English paper is done though! At least my part of it, so I hope Riley can figure out the rest ( I really hated the topic, so found it really hard to find motivation to care.. at all). Natural Disasters is... alright. I'm just kinda mad right now. I mean.. why have a study guide with like.. 70 review questions if you aren't going to cover any of that material on the test? It's no wonder the class average was a "D". I mean.. I did considerably better than that, but I was fully expecting an "A" since I knew my stuff backwards and forwards. Here's what I think happened: She hasn't updated her study guides ( probably from her first year of teaching. That wouldn't surprise me in the least), I'm drawing this conclusion because her presentations have FREQUENTLY been showing statistics, graphs, and figures from the years 1995-2000. And yeah. I notice this because I get a little pissed off when I'm paying thousands of dollars to go to school.. and they don't bother to give me the current and updated stats. Isn't that what they're supposed to be doing anyways? So much for competent professors.

Alright. I'm venting. But I actually am really irked by this. Maybe I'll just send her a email explaining my qualm with her outdated material. I don't know. I can't tell if I'm being over dramatic or not. It's thousands of dollars though... I can't get past that.

Dah!
Math is going ok. Working on it with Daddy tonight. I'm nervous and fidgety because the last couple nights we've been doing it I just burst into tears because I don't understand what's going on. It's all starting to fly over my head and I just look at the numbers.. and I know that somehow they come to some kind of conclusion... but I do NOT understand how they get there. I don't know. I may barely pass this class, but will it even matter when I go onto the next level?

Dunno. I hate numbers. I'm better with words.

And uh.. nothing else of significance. Just.. going day by day I guess. Haven't heard from Guido since.. the last time I mentioned him. Sarah Lynne is sick, I really wanna go down to see Emily. And I have this insane urge to just.. freak out and splatter paint the walls and ceiling in my room. Also.. .I'm going to make another quilt. Dark purple.. and I still could probably throw out another couple garbage bags of stuff.

I'm reading 1491 and.. it's awesome. Also Deep Cover and Double Jeopardy.. but I'm looking for another good one... so if you're reading this.. please take a moment to leave a suggestion.. if not.. I'll just reread Harry Potter for the 20th time.

Cheers.

165

Anthropology Exam- Check
Laundry- Check
Chapt. 8 Natural Disasters- Check
Clean Car-Check
Work Out-CHeck
Return Movies-CHeck
Math Homework- :(


Drive up the Canyon-Check!
Continue cleaning room-Check!


Last night.. I got some stuff off my chest. And it feels like it's going to be a really good day. :D

164

So I don't really know what's been happening the last month. I mean, I think it's what always happens. I do really well and just.. keeping the gospel a part of my life and things start going super well. I just feel good, I'm really smiley all the time. I feel confident and sure of myself.. and that's when things start to slack.

Writing this here won't make any difference at all if I don't apply what I know, make some changes and continue on with the rest of my life. But things have kinda gotten out of control. And I have alot of explaining to do.. with a lot of people. Mostly 1 though.

It's not only exaggerating things that happen in my life to make a story more dramatic, or captivating... but exaggerating is lying. And I've been doing alot of that. So today that record will be set straight.
Lots of little things have been creeping up. I mean. I've found myself cursing more often ( it's never AROUND anyone, which is why it's proving hard to stop) but.. yeah. I mean. It's gotta stop, and I have got to calm down. Especially when I'm on the road. I never really used to have road rage, but man.. it's coming out my ears lately. Strange.

And I don't know. I'm just disappointed with the way that I've been living my life, and not living the gospel. Because they should be linked together. But more often then not, in the last month.. I've found myself trying to seperate the two. And I'll never forget the thing with my CTR ring.. I mean.. that's happened twice in the past 2 years. Why should I be ashamed? It's supposed to serve as a reminder of the things I want in my life.. and.. I'm not shoving my beliefs down anyone's throat by wearing it.

I don't know. Weird things lately. really weird.
I don't know if it's because I think my life should be more interesting and I'm trying to make it that way. Or if, really I'm just an idiot, or what's going on...

But it's time to step things up a notch, and get things back on track.
I've been cleaning my room. Hardcore. Just going through everything and getting rid of Industrial sized garbage bags full of stuff.. that I've had for years.. but am never really going to do anything with. There's still a long way to go, and I don't really know how.. because.. I've taken like...7 bags, huge huge bags to the trash or the DI. So.. I don't really know where all this stuff is coming from. But I made a pretty big dent yesterday and then I washed my walls, baseboards, dusted hardcore, and organized to my hearts content.

I want to do that with my life as well. Its time to clean the baseboards, wash the walls, and get things reorganized.. because I just kinda feel like trash.
Also. The "talk" with Guido... I think it's finally going to happen. And I hope I"m brave enough to say the things that I really need to say, and to fix the things that I really need to fix.


I'm just so lame sometimes :D

163

I NEED A FREAKIN' SOUND ROOM!

I'm writing another song!! I'm really excited about it, and I'm actually going to turn this one into something I can record on a CD and everything! I've written 2 before " 19 In A Red Jacket", and I have the piano music for it. And also Meggae Reggae's rap- which is also on the piano. It's a love song (because the world doesn't have enough of them), it's Techno based ( because everything in me believes in the power of dance) and it's all about "finding place and dissolving space."
Hence the desperate need to find a sound room.

I'm really proud of it so far, even though it's strictly in rough draft mode and has a load of work to be done on it. Also, my recent piece of art is very near to being complete... And I'm having loads of more ideas. And actually.. for real... I'm going to take a bash at painting. I don't know anything about paint, but I figure I can just do some.. and see how it goes. Go from there ya know?

And. I wrote a poem 2 nights ago about Expected Perfect, and an Expected Exception.
Where is all this inspiration coming from?
Does anyone really need to ask?

It's coming from him of course. He's also a large part of the reason that I'm ok with how things went down today with Wylie. So instead of just.. ya know.. being an adult (Wylie).... he took a different route that reminded me of my friends screaming 5 year old sister. So in that case it was actually pretty funny. I hope he finds someone that will help him grow up.

But I met a kid named Lane. And Jeff today. It made the class bearable, and I had a really good time feeling great about everything I tried to accomplish in that respect. No regrets. Check and check.

That's all I really ask for out of life.
ALSO. Max Hansen called me.
What?
1) where did he get my number? 2) why didn't he TELL me where he got my number ad 3) instead of asking if I'm going to the game, and saying "maybe I'll see you there" .. how bout you just ask me to go with you as friends. That way it's not weird.

Anyways. Boys. I'm baffled.

My institute class has been pretty spectacular. "Evidences and Doctrine". We've learned some of the craziest thing, I mean.. my head nearly exploded that last class period. I'll write more on that later when I've organized my thoughts... ya know.. for the almost explosion.

But let's just say that ....there is a lot more to temple construction and place then I actually ever realized.. and it all has to do with cosmos. How wild is that?

Dude. I'm so happy right now. Time to go create!

162

Life is hard when your brain is stupid.
But I'm really good at being happy for everyone else.

161

Is there a way to make certain entries [[private]]? I'll have to look into this more, since I have a lot things to write down..but surprisingly (rolls eyes. say what?) aren't appropriate for everyone. It's not vulgarity people, calm down.

So last night was .. expected perfection. And I wasn't disappointed. At all. Except the part where he didn't return my call and let me know the plan until about an hour and 1/2 after he said he would. I wouldn't put up with that kind of juvenile :D behavior from anyone- except him. He is the exception to everything in my life. One, big, fat, unfair exception. I didn't ask for it though. So I deal with it and put on ma' "brave" face. I tried it out in the mirror before we headed out. It looked more like a grimace.
But give me some credit.

I didn't worry about what I looked like, because it felt natural not to do so. I didn't get really dressed up, or concern myself with mascara or perfume. Dude. I didn't even really do my hair. And I loved it. Talk about refreshing. Zero fidgeting.

So I stepped out of the car, saw him standing there, faced away from his- phone to his ear talking my ear off the whole time. "I can see you!". He turned around and as I walked towards him I found myself fighting the intense urge to run. We embraced briefly, but it will be memorable. The bowling alley we selected was having League night, so we headed to the Gutter. ( I love the LL, but secretly I enjoy the Gutter more because of the neon flashing lights, also they have better music. And my lucky bowling ball is there. The shoes are cooler-est. The people are nicer-er. The facility is better, I could go on.)
Bowling nerdery.

We gabbed the whole freaking way, and this went on for the next 3 hours? He showed me his scars. BAH HA HAH! I just had to put that in there because that's such a guy thing to do. And so him. He told me all about his jumps, diving, his face basically exploding because he was wonky ears, all the naked stories you can imagine, he talked about the beach, where he's going to live, his family, etc. I could listen to him talk for hours, days, months, years, a lifetime on end. Then I gave him mine.

I just couldn't stop smiling or laughing. THIS is what it's all about. And it was really good to see him again.

On the way back we talked about the Office, the next time I'd see him. When he'd be back next, etc. Getting out of the car I could feel the onset of everything that had just happened. I looked back, said farewell and we both went on our ways, until the next time we meet up between now and the 9th.


I fumbled around for my keys, trying to keep my head cleared and my eyes dry. I got in, quickly turned on the car and pulled out of the alley. Once on the highway everything blurred. Was that a stop sign? Or someone wearing a funny hat?

The closer I got to home, the closer everything came bursting to the surface. And then it did. The way it always does. The way it always always will. I almost crashed my car, and because that didn't really phase me I just kept going and almost crashed again. I don't know how I made it the church parking lot. Or my house.

The same gaping soul hole.
Time and time and time again.
Because if there is one thing that I feel sure about, that I KNOW... it's that this matters. I can't explain it to anyone, and no matter how many times I try and explain it to myself it still doesn't make much sense. But I guess things like this never do.
Everything feels off, all the time. I worry about the things I do. Why I react this way to that, or this. Why I have this complex, or this personality. And why is it so wrong with everyone else? And then everything changes, and things fall back in line. It's not offset. And everything that I worry about.. all the things that just make my experiences different from anyone else I know make sense. I realize why I am the .. way that I am. It's freeing.

But it doesn't last.
We part.
And that part of me that comes out when only he sees it, locks itself away and dies until the next time we meet.

I've tried everything. Attempting relationships with other people, moving, traveling to keep my mind off of it, taking a dive to distract myself, not talking for a year. And everytime I think it will be different. That I'll be different, not care as much, gotten over it. But it's just not like that. It just keeps getting worse. And worse. And worse. And.. I don't know. Because I can't DO anything about it.

I keep waiting for the part where he'll come and really see me. See all the things that he's taken away from me. Look at me, and realize what he's destroyed. And then I want him to do one simple thing FOR me. Just one! I want him to change... and then take care of me.

So. Yeah.

Last night was expected perfection.
The fiasco following and all.
Because it wouldn't be "perfection" without it.



This is it.

160

I can't say that I regret what happened.
How could I?


It took guts, and confidence that I haven't accessed within myself for a very long time. I still can't really believe how brave I was. I just haven't been me in so long I guess. It was refreshing, scary of course.. but I felt productive and if anything, that I've grown just a little bit more and have pushed a little closer to my goal.

So last night was awesome.
Sarah Lynne and I went up to campus for the Pudding Dance. I was under the impression that we'd all just be eating mini cups of pudding and rocking out to some sweet sweet tunes. Instead... it was a pudding-throwing party. Some girl flung some in my hair, I got a little annoyed. And then when ASUSU would throw bucketfuls in the air and everyone would trample everyone else.. that got me a little irked to. I just wanted to dance!

I got over it.
And ended up having a super good time! Loud music, flashing lights, everyone dancing and singing. It doesn't really get better than that. And then street painting! The talent at my Uni blows my mind all the time. Our streets look so effing good! Pretty exciting.


So I have a group project in English. An essay about a controversial issue. We had to pick between the ones we came up with... and... they chose one that I have absolutely no interest in doing. Title Nine? Really? And how many other people have done a paper on Title Nine? That controversy is so old school!! Let's do something going on RIGHT NOW, where we all have some real life experience dealing with it. Let's do something that applies to all of us.. like. .Tuition increases, the War in Iraq? or even something maybe lame like busing punctuality.

Dude.
So yeah. I'm actually super annoyed. I hate the idea of group projects in college. Not to mention, because we don't have class Thursday morning, the all want to get together Friday night.. when I have a date, and it's the homecoming game.


Screw this.


In happier news though, I'm still losing weight. Things are going well socially ( and when they're aren't I've found a way to deal). I've almost caught up on my homework for the week. Huspas! We've got some activities tonight to go check out- Pillow Fight on the Quad, Ice Cream Socail and Moonlight and Music. Step club meeting and BSU meeting. The sun is still out, though it's getting really cold. I had an awesome sleep last night. I don't have swine flu like the rest of my family, and I get to see Guido tonight.


Rad.

159

Bittersweet. That's the taste left in my life after today's happenings.
Brian Falors farewell, that's a beautiful place to start.

Seeing him up on the stand this morning, his face glowing I couldn't stop bouncing around in my seat. He looked happy. But more importantly he looked ready. And I'm supremely proud of him. His talk was wonderful and his spirit {{reverberated}} all the way through that sacred building today. The music was spot on, everything about that meeting was uplifting and enjoyable. He's going to do a PHENOMENAL job in the Dominican Republic! And those wonderful people are exceptionally lucky to be getting him. I love you Brian, you're a great example. And I'll always look up to you for what you've done, the things you're doing, and the great things that you will undoubtedly accomplish! <3

That meeting was exactly what I needed today.
I even managed to snaggle a women's baby and hold her for the last bit of the meeting.
She was adorable. Her husband looked at us funny cause we just kinda.. took her, but it was alright. She dug my necklace and smiled at me a couple times.

I. Am. Baby. Hungry.

After the meeting we shimmied on over to his place for some delicious food and much needed conversation. It was refreshing to see everyone again. Veeder, Mike, Brent, Wade, Bradey, Kyle, Brandon, David, Talmage, Lance, Brian's mom.. And she remembered my name! I haven't seen that remarkable women for about 3 years probably! It was fantastic, but it also made me really sad.

Especially seeing one of those people in particular.
No names, but I need to write this down somewhere.

I'm so frustrated. This person...has been a constant source of surprise for the past 3-4 years. I know what everyone sees on the outside. The "face" they try and put off. Like they don't need anyone, or are fine on their own. But I KNOW it's not true. 1) because we keep in relatively good contact-because they DO need someone, and 2) because I KNOW that THEY know everything about today was true, and real, and good.

I look at this person and see more potential then anyone else within that group. Partly because I feel like most of those people mentioned above have their lives together, and have charted some kind of course that they're sticking to. But back to point.. This person is one of the smartest most brilliant people I know. They have an admirable work ethic, and a very kind heart.

A good person. Inside and out.
They are. Because I watch them with their family. The "face" melts everytime they play with their nephew, or neice. They would - and I know this- give the shirt off their back for ANYONE. It's just who this person is. And everytime I talk with them, I look at them.. and I KNOW they aren't happy, or that something is off, or that their mind may be changing. It's exciting, but also scary because I know what it feels like to want to change, but feel like there's nothing that you can do. That's where they are.

I was there.
For years.
I thought it was all or nothing, and because I knew that "all" wasn't possible.. what was the point? But that's exactly what the adversary wants us to believe. I don't preach to this person, or tell them what to do. I don't seek them out, but they always come to me looking.. and all I have is the gospel that I've come to rely on heavily. So what do I say? I never know.

Today just being near them I sensed sadness. Sadness or disappointment, possibly even regret coming from them, which makes this so much harder because.. I know what would make everything alright. And the implusive part of me just wants to nurture and love and make everything ok for this person. But they know where to find it. They've always known. And I can't make them get there. I just wish they believed in themselves a little more. Gave themself more credit. Saw themselves for what I do, and countless others. And I wish they would distance themselves from all the things, or persons that just drag them down.

I understand that wanting to be accepted for who you are is important, but it's also important to have a support system who will both encourage and support change if it's something you want to do. They told me one time " Well, I just don't know what my two best friends will think". I said "You think they wouldn't like it?" they said "I just don't know". "Then maybe it's time to find out. Because if they are your best friends, then they'll understand and want what you want for yourself, and who knows.. your influence could make them want to be better as well".

I believe it's embedded into everyone's personality to want to change and be better.

I don't just feel this way about one person. I feel that way about myself also. Yes, being accepted-faults and all is incredibly important to me. But if I don't have people that are always pushing me to be better then I am (and this doesn't mean spiritually necessarily) then I become comfortable. Static. Unprogressive and remain the same. This is what I see from this person.

And I know that distance is sometimes the best thing. At least for awhile. And if their friends don't understand... then it's time to get some new ones. We don't need to throw anyone away, but change is ALWAYS good. I know that to be true.

So today was bittersweet. I see good things coming from my long lasting group of friends. But I also sense that change is being resisted among many- even me in many instances. And maybe it's time to just buck up, grow up, and .. well, change ourselves to better help each other.

158

Stayed up till' 3 am dancing to my new music.
Woke up at 10am, went to Farmers Market.. bought some FANTASTICALLY awesome bread.

Played with the puppies. The bag lady wasn't there.


Then studied from 12-5pm. Took a quick Office break. Volleyball with Sarah Lynne. Dinner.
Back to the books.

Huspaz!

157

Dude. I'm so RELIEVED that my drama is over, and that the irrational has once again become rational. I think it happens to all of us. I know it does. The freaking out. And uncertainty. The feelings of stupidity and worthlessness. And all over something really stupid that isn't as bad as it seems.

I think I've figured it out.
I just wasn't me anymore. I spent way to long worrying about what I looked like. I changed my outfit about 4 times ( what the?), stressed over shoes (what?), my hair( ok.. that's pretty normal), mascara ( yeah that's normal to)... You name it, I worried about it. So when things didn't go the way I thought they would in my head I freaked and took a dive off the deep end for 2 whole days. I thought it was because of something I did, or wore.. maybe my perfume was off? Where those shoes ugly, was something wrong with my hair?.. what about ME wasn't working for the situation?

And then it hit me. Va-freakin'-bam
It WASN'T me. At all.
Check and check.
I think the lesson is learned.

But it took a long time to get there. I haven't flipped that hard in a long time, so it was a struggle to get control over emotions and other "unwantables". Man, I cried alot. And then I got mad. And then annoyed with myself, which just caused me to cry again. It was traumatic. And stupid.

Thank goodness that's over.

So today things were {{different}}. I was me. ( :D ) And no, things didn't go the way I wanted it to. Why did that girl have to sit there? And why in the world would the professor forget her flash drive? Plus it was discussion day so there wouldn't have been much time for conversation anyways. But it was ok ( better than ok!), because I felt totally comfortable in my own skin, and I felt like I was doing the right thing. I felt weird with that seat taken by someone that I didn't know.. and don't plan on getting know.... I was disappointed and anxious..... But I survived, and things will be better on Monday because now I've got some kind of game plan.

Fireflies. I love this song. It's on replay on my ipod.. I just looked at the number of times played... I'm at 22. Now 23.Wowzer.

Back to point.--->
Things were better today, and I don't feel terrible about what happened. We had a small moment, and that was enough. And I'm looking forward to Monday when the awesomeness will be unleashed.
I can't wait to be honest.
I feel like everyone wants to be understood.. but more then that ... understand.
And that's what I plan on doing.

It's bold. And out there. Direct and honest. Different. But I guess I've been driven by experience to ask why in the world would I do things differently. Also. IT'S ME. Any kind of direction is better than none. And I can honestly say I don't know of one person that finds pleasure in limbo.


I'm waiting for someone to disagree. And if you do, let me know. I'd love to chit chat.
So things are business as usual. I had a great chat tonight with Sarah Lynne about the next big goal that we both have in our lives and just contemplating the awesome, while also being frustrated about not knowing the time line. I'm excited about this new big thing, and I'm hoping it can go somewhere that continues to make me smile big. I'm so happy. And I hope it stays that way... .however it goes.

RANDOM NOTE: Went bowling tonight. AWesome AwesSome. AWESOME!!!!

We talked about our friends. Family. School. boys, boys, boys. Church doctrine. Wild animals. Australia. Anthrotourism. Travel. Trips.

It was a really good night.


Farmers Market tomorrow morning

156 (because I'm trying to keep my mind busy)

WARNING:

This entry won't make any sense (like that differs from the other ones right? .. yeah.. right.)

I'm supposed to come up with some controversial issues at large that my English class could write about. 3 of them. And for some reason I'm just... drawing a blank on how to accomplish this task. I can't structure sentences today.

I wanted to do something with Barrack Obama-nation. Muaha!
A question about a global "Easter Island"- I'll probably pose this one.
The 2003 Invasion of Iraq. ( I'd only bring this one up, because I'd personally like to know more about it)
Affirmative Action (maybe)
Assisted Suicide (that could be super interesting)
Carbon footprinting - though I feel I'd be the only one who cared in that class-
I'd love to try something with Glenn Beck
Native American name controversy...

At least I've got ... something right?


I just finished reading a paper and doing an online discussion about Anthrotourism. And I think that whoever came up with such a DA idea... should go.. well.. you guys get it. It talked alot about the Bushmanland tribes. And the whole idea is that people can pay big bucks to come "rough it" with the natives. I don't really see the point. Especially when the expedition includes taking a truck across the land, going trophy hunting, etc.. I don't know. It just reminded me alot of what happened with Aborigines in Australia. I don't really understand what it is about Western Culture that makes "us" think that everyone should be like us. Why can't we just leave people alone. These people have been around for thousands of years, living happily, doing their thing. Just like me and "you".

Dag. And wouldn't it be boring if we were all American anyways?? Shoot me. Twice. Then one more time. I say screw Anthrotourism. And Ethnocentrisms. People, pull yours head out of the ground and step off. *growls*

We're discussing this as a class tomorrow, and I'm really interested to see what people say. I was 1 of 5 people that had a different opinion on last weeks discussion about how "Agriculture is one of the worst mistakes invented". I totally agreed, and it was strange because I thought there would be a bunch that would feel the same. But no. There were only 4 others. We made some strong points though, and I'm not swayed at all. The more I research it, the more I believe it. I mean... I'm not saying let's all revert back to Foraging.... but I mean.. I think that eventually ( in thousands of years) it'll end up being like that anyways because foraging is sustainable... where... agriculture and consummerism ISN'T.

I don't know. None of that will happen in my life time. Easter Island is a long ways away.

Natural Disasters is...up and down. It was super cool, then we backtracked to Plate Tectonics and I got pissed. I've been learning about that since I was 7. Teach me something new! But it's actually been pretty sweet. Hold on LA and Istanbul.. you're on locked plates and we're the time margin of the "big one". Pretty sweet stuff. It's funny that we talk about Earthquakes and risks in one of the most unsafe buildings on campus. But at least it's near the Quad. Which is where I'd be bolting.

I learned that the nearest disaster shelter is the church down the road. And then the one in Logan. Pretty sweet. We developed a family plan and at least I know more about what to do if I ever DO find myself in that situation. If anything the quake will happen near the airport. Total LIQUEFACTION. That's going to be scary.....


Biology should be awesome next week. We're studying sea urchin reproduction! I've held one of those suckers and it was life changing! And weird! Bring it!

Sighs.
Anyways.

155

Thursdays.
Longest day of the week. Hands down. However, today I actually embraced the -busy--busy- of the afternoon. I even thought about staying a couple hours in the library after class to study for Natural Disasters. Then a wave of fatigue hit me and I decided to head home.
Almost drifted into a peaceful nap when a unit came in and basically screamed.. " Hey, are you sleeping in here?!"

Well. I was trying to.

Math exam today. Not sure how I did. I was the 2nd one finished so either I rocked it. Or I totally screwed up. I don't really think there's going an "inbetweenie". but maybe he'll curve it?
Also, my first lab report was returned to me. I didn't try particularly hard on it because he said we could resubmit a second one. So I did what I could then waited for results so I'd know better what exactly he was looking for. It was marked up pretty good, so I rewrote the whole thing, put in a another table graph and slipped it under his door.

Termites are weird. Sea urchins next week.
But I'm intrigued.

I've got my first legitimate exams in all my classes next week ( excluding Math which is an absolute relief).

Natural Disasters.
Bio Lab.
Anthropology.
English.

All in a row. It'll be pretty vigorous, but I'm actually pretty excited. Cause that's all I'll have time to think about.

I tried on my prom dress.
It almost fits again.
Several more pounds to go.
I wonder if it'll even really matter..?

Saw Manny again today. As he approached I turned the music up on my ipod super loud, so if he said anything I didn't hear it. And then later I ran into Marci on the bus. It was good to see her. She was wearing my favorite colour green. Forest. Presh.

I wish Dot would stop reappearing.
SKat.

154

I was on cloud nine for a couple weeks. And I guess it was inevitable that I'd come to the part in the ride where the loops starts, the constant up and down motion of my stomach trying to escape my body somehow. I don't get how I'm already here though, did I even get to sit down ON the ride? Was I ever strapped in? And did anyone ever come around to make sure that I wouldn't go flying out over the edge?

I don't remember any of those crucial things happening. So maybe I sat down on the ride, but by myself and no one came to check safeties. That could explain this sinking feeling that's washing against my confidence, eroding it away.


It might not be a big deal. People have "off" days. Right? And I knew that something weird would have to happen. Anything that feels too good to be true, normally is. At least in my experience. I'm hopeful for the future. There's got to be something.. even if it's just one thing that could happen in my life that seems too good to be true- but then IS.

I can't wait for that day.
I ALSO can't wait for this day to be over.





I'm reacting.. because I don't know how to act anymore.

153

Alright alright. This picture was taken in Australia, and I think that by my expression that you all can tell that I was completely enthused to be there. Well, I'm not walking around smiling like this because that would be slightly unsettling, but it IS how I feel on the inside. Right now.

I don't know.
I really don't.
Something big could be in the works, or not.



But I don't care.
Because right now... everything is good.

152

Yeah. So I just feel stupid.
I mean, I had a great weekend. Friday I got ahead on homework for the next 2 weeks. It was a relief. Saturday morning Talisa and I endured a 5K run to cure diabetes and then later that night watched Season 5 of the Office while working on my art. (It's going really well.)

Sunday I went down to Provo to sing at the Merriot Center for the CES fireside. And that felt really good. My parents said I was on 3 TIMES! We also think it's because I was 1 of 2 black people in the 888 person choir( the largest choir they've ever had. Go Logan Aggies!). :D I represent. I met a couple people- Michelle, Jimmy, Josh, and Nate. We didn't have much to talk about because I can't relate to people around my own age normally, but it was cool to learn where they all went on their missions and what they planned on doing now that they were back.

The songs we sang were incredible, and Sister Dalton's talk was intrigueing.


All in all a pretty good weekend.
And today I have Institute, Anthroplogy ( which for once I'm dreading), Black Student Union, and then Step Club. And tonight? Not much else except making sure I've got everything set for tomorrows set of classes, oh and washing my hair after I go swimming.

I slept in today. That never happens. So I feel like there's something wrong.
That and the creepy dreams I had last night.
The first one was about how me and 3 of my friends ( 2 boys and 1 girl) were staying in a house up the canyon. It storms approached and lightning hit the moutain above us over and over again. And the next thing I knew there was a fiery furnace all around us. I saw the girl get devoured by the fire so we turned and ran, but it was coming from the other side to. There was a little trail of absent of all flames that led to the river, so we slid down the mountain and tried to get to the river. One by one the 2 boys were destroyed- that's when I woke up.

ANd get this- it actually did STORM last night.

The next one I had had to do with huge semi trucks hauling water up the canyon to fill up the local reserve. And for some reason it terrified me. Thinking that we didn't have enough natural resources to keep our water, there was talk of war over the water and how we were all going to pull an Easter Island on ourselves and end up as cannibals and beings of warfare stuck in pure survival mode.

A man leared at me. And I looked at the shallow pool of water that we were all supposed to use..
And that's when I woke up.



Go figure that I would have nightmares about depleting natural resources. I'm such a tree-hugger.

151

This morning was great! We jumped out of bed super early and went down to Willow Park to do a fun run to Cure Diabetes! It was pretty invigorating and tons of people came by so that was really fun! Everyone loved the canines! And we got some really sweet t-shirts!

Its was cool to see people that we knew! And just to feel like we were making a difference with all of these others people, as small as our contribution was! I loved it!






Now what to do with the rest of my day.
Clean?

150

Sept. 11. 2001.
8 years ago. Mrs. Boatright's class. After school mom was there waiting to pick me up. It was the first time I've ever seen my mother look legitimately afraid.
And that's when I became afraid.


It doesn't feel that long ago.
But every year it seems like I get more emotional about it.
I didn't understand 8 years ago the way that I do now.
That's how I explain the tears.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------









Hey, Obama.
You're not a president. You're a celebrity.
Lots of promises. No results.
and "Yes You Can" feel free to go suck on your own self righteous chant.

149

What a slipshod digit.

Also. Today feels like a 1st class waste of....day. All due to my present "salubrity". It means health for anyone that cares, a new word I learned about a week ago. And yes.. I have been waiting- impatiently- to use it somehow.. I enjoy vocabulary. Step off.


Anyone that knows me (and I mean really digs me) would graps and "keep the faith" that I do in fact beat the drum and take great felecity in being of the female gender. What's not to like? The "super power" of being able to grow another human being inside your blessed womb? Breasts? Having tons of options to beautify yourself? Um. Mascara is a personal favorite. Not to mention the inherited personality traits that accompany having a vagina. (I.e., nuturing, caring, compassionate and friendly, etc.)

YOU tell ME what's not to like?

And. I recognize that with being a woman comes specific "obligations". And hey, who am I to jam a broom handle in the spokes of Mother Nature's 10-speed? {???} Especially when I ride that bike as well as I can- as fast as I can- on daily basis?

But I've just gotta say that right now, in this very moment.. I AM jamming a broom handle (several) into my own 10-speed bike and am wondering .. why the "h" am I not driving?

[jammed baby]

Monthlies are normally unbearable on day 2.
But this... this is punishing.

On top of feeling gross and bloated, headachy, tender and irritable it had to be about a million fiery degrees on the public University busing system, all my classes were topnotch bromidic, my Math teacher gave us "pop" quiz, my English Lit group sat and squabbled over what to write our paper on (group projects at Uni? Really?), and then pumped out a ridiculous thesis statement that we then again bickered over. My Biology lab ran late because we couldn't find our professor to get INTO the lab ( and we found him later down in greenhouse B eating pineapple with the grad. students), oh and then I couldnt make Step meeting because my Natural Disaster class ran late also.


I just feel gross.
But I finished my Math homework.
The only thing left on my Disaster plan in the floorplan.
I get paid tomorrow. And then one more time in 2 weeks.
I CAN go to Step club next week. And Black Student Union.
I'm singing in the CES fireside on Sunday down in Provo. And Sarah Lynne is coming with me.
I get to see Wylie manyana.
My English professor loved my paper and wrote great remarks all over that sucker.
I finished the online discussion for Anthropology and did a couple quizzes to keep myself ahead.
I just downloaded a couple new awesome songs.
I'm nearly done with my book "For Women Only"
and mom's making my favorite dinner for tonight.




Time to shower.
And maybe take a nap.

148

Yeah. I was bored.
Suck it.

147

um. OK.
Things are definitely moving in the right direction. And the wrong. But mostly the right. and the wrong is unrelated.

Friday.
If it doesn't happen by Friday I'm taking my own fate, into my OWN slippery, clumsy, trembling hands and something WILL be done about this. This will be for the better, or for the worse. (shrugs) I don't care which, because some kind of direction is better than no direction. Right? Right? SOMEONE AGREE WITH ME!!

I didn't even pay attention in class. Good thing I studied for a couple hours before the class, so hopefully I absorbed everything I need from the book because the lecture and my concentration on the teacher flew out the door the minute I walked in the room.. until about now.

Wowzer.
I feel... like this kitty.

146

2 weeks?

145

I'm no longer employed at the swimming pool. w00t w00t. Which is just as well because I had one of the WDE yesterday. L-o-n-g-e-s-t day of my entire life. Time crawled along like a stupid slimy slug on a clear pane of glass. Every time I peered up from beneath my sunnies at the clock assuming that at LEAST another 60 min. SHOULD have passed it had only been about [[2 min.]]

Things sped up considerably within the final hour because that's when people actually showed up. Watching a family of 6, in a facility that holes about 3,000 people for 5 effing hours isn't what I call a "party". Also. We didn't have to pull mats over the pools so I got out of there earlier than I expected.

But I'm proud of myself.
Never late.
Never missed a day.
Never called in sick.
Never switched with someone.
Never took another person's shift.
And I helped out continually with showing up early when the highschoolers went back in school.

I owe nothing to anyone. And that is a fantastic feeling.
Mission. accomplished.

After arriving back at home, devouring my dinner and changing, I promptly lay down in bed ready to relax and soak up the rest of my weekend. That's when Sarah Lynne text me saying we should go visit the Warrens. She was right-of course. So we headed down and I had a chance to tell her how school was going, about Manny (old) and Wylie (new). She updated us on Matt and his mish... and we actually got out of their a little early because Tyler came over and they needed to spend some time with him also.

So we headed down and went on drive because... no school. We drove from Sville, to Ptown all the way to Pcentral and back. Pretty long drive. Plus we got pulled over because Sar was going 20 over. ( ah ha!) Also. Turns out her license is {{suspended}}, but we have no idea what for? Fun stuff.

. Our Topic of Conversation? .

The 2nd Coming/ Apocolypse/End of the world. However YOU title it. We discussed wars, and turmoil, chaos and sorrow. But I just didn't see what she saw. And that added an interesting twist to our convo.

When I think about the end of the world. I don't see your classic or assumed weaponry. I don't envisions bombs, or aircraft, machine guns, etc. Honestly... I envision a line. And 2 groups of people on either side of the line facing each other. There isn't any throwing of punches, or lashing out verbally. No shouting or yelling. Each group simply, absolutley, cemented in their beliefs and knowledge out "life".

-->Father against son.<--
-->Sister against sister. <--
-->Friend against friend. <--

I also see beings on both sides lowering, changing, or throwing away beliefs to walk up to the line for an embrace from those on the other side. A heartbreaking image.
Gaping, raw, soul holes. And sadness on several accounts.

It makes me relect back to Joseph Smith's time. And how people would die for Christ, die for the Gospel, and die for God's church on the earth. That was their sacrifice. [[[[[Their lives.]]]]]
That doesn't apply to us now ( that's not to say that people haven't been killed spreading the word).

Instead of him asking us to die for him.. I feel like he's asked us to live for him.

And our sacrifice isn't going to be mortality... that would be easy ( harsh as that may sound)... our sacrifice is going to be family and friend ties. Loved ones. Long lasting relationships.

That's our sacrifice.


And as difficult as that's going to be. And as much sorrow and fatigue that will cause, I feel like I've been put on this earth at this time to BE a witness of Christ. It's been said and written time and time again that this generation is and will be stronger than any others before us.. and I have a responsibility to live up to that.

She's- Sarah Lynne I mean- is going through something that I went through several months ago. I think we all experience it at some point. Treading a line between being a friend or family member, but NOT supporting what that friend or family memeber may be doing. And then wondering if you're either under or over doing it. Trying to come to terms in a way that doesn't leave anyone hurt and feeling alienated, including yourself.
And it was really hard for me. And I know I'm lucky to have retained several friendships that at one point and some of the scariest points of my life) I thought couldn't survive.

And for now, things are perfect in that sense. I tried to help her put things into perspective by asking her the classic question "What would Jesus do in this situation?" And she basically agreed with the thoughts I had. I don't hang out with certain groups of people because of their life choices. And it doesn't mean that I hate anyone. Or that I'm judging them, which is something that I don't think people REALLY understand as much as they want to. There is judgment but it's not coming FROM me TO someone else. It's simply ME judging MYSELF. And if a person makes a choice to do certain things, believe certain things, or go a different way then me.. then I in turn have the choice to no longer associate, or simply distance myself from them.

And that has nothing to do with judging, or hating.
It's about free agency which is (at least in America)been nationally recognized as acceptable.

So how then do we know that if what we're doing in those tricky situation is 100% ok. And that's where faith, and trust in the Holy Ghost comes in. We've been given that for a reason, and it's something that I've come to rely on heavily. I know when I feel weird, or uncomfortable. And I've never been in a situation where I've felt that way and it wasn't for ANY reason. There has always been a huge story behind my feelings of discomfort in situations. Always.
And that tells me something about the way the Holy Ghost protects from things that would limit my own personal spiritual goals.


And even without the Holy Ghost, the light of Christ has been put into every single person that has lived, is living, or will live on the earth. There are basics that everyone knows whatever religion, race, or culture you're from.
Take something like stealing. Everyone knows stealing is wrong.
Lying. Everyone knows that's wrong.
There are thousands of examples that could be used. People know the difference between right and wrong. And the Holy Ghost simply enhances those feelings for me, on things that are exponentially more internal than external.

It was just a really good conversation. And I love that we share similar feelings, and that we both have different takes on things. Refreshing.


Wylie.
I don't want to say to much about him, and I'm not really sure why. I want the things I feel to remain the way... they are. And I feel like once it's spoken out loud, or written down, then there are a billion ways to intrepret whatever "it" is. And I like the pure and simple feeling I have right now.

Just know that he's important. And maybe I'll expand more in several weeks.


So things for this week. I need to come up with some kind of Service Project that my ward can do. They want to have a party, but I feel like we should be serving more as a ward and branch. So Iwas thinking a Super Hero party where we can all dress up, have refreshments, play some games but then go out and do SuperHero deeds. Like raking leaves, digging a path, weeding a garden, or getting together a meal for one of the 60 familes that are facing unemployment.
Good idea right? We'll see how it flies.

School is still going well. Incredibly head in ALL of my classes though it's not without some hard work and more than just a bucket full of tears. The other night I was working on my Math homework with Daddy and I couldnt understand what he was asking me to do with those stupid numbers on my paper. I just broke down and he held me for a couple minutes until I calmed down. And then we went back to work, but it just sends me reeling back in time to all the OTHER times when I just haven't understood and just ended up crying. So many tears have been shed over this stupid subject. And I'm sure it's far from over. Not encouraging. But all my other classes are BOMB so. Rock on.

Top 20 Greatest Things About College Thus Far:

1. I have a schedule that keeps me busy.
2. It works perfectly with all my other schedules ( working out, grooming, cleaning, etc)
3. My classes are interesting and my professors competent.
4. I'm taking Institute for the first time and I can tell the difference in my mood.
5. I'm feeling fearless instead of cowardly.
6. The "dub".
7. I'm ahead.
8. I've lost more weight.
9. I've made about 10 more friends
10. I've come to terms with friends that don't ever give me the time of day anymore. It's all good!
11. I'm smiling more, and it's not fake ( because it totally was at first)
12. I joined Choir, Step Club, Black Student Union, EWB ( engineers without borders) and Muliticultural Club.
13. I also joined a chapter of IWA
14. The weather has been amazing
15. My cars miles per gallon on glass has somehow come UP so I'm not paying as much, or as often.
16. My room is pimped out, exactly the way I want it.
17. I'm getting enough sleep and haven't gotten sick yet.
18. My employment worked out perfectly.
19. I won't have a job for about 2-3 weeks ( and I'm looking forward to it)
20. We already have a break from school. Today.Labor Day.



Time to get bizzay!

144

Update tomorrow:

Last day of work.
Drive with Sarah Lynne.
Pull over/ suspended license.
The "dub".
Service Project ( Super Hero Party).
Academia. ( the sob fest)
Monthlies.
.. and all things joyful.

143

"Ah.. You're cute."

142

[[Today]] is Cultural Anthropology.
...and no one -but me- knows what that means.



And for now, I think it's best.

I'm happy.

141 ( I won!)

Hey. That kinda rhymes. I'm an idiot.


Note to self:
So Wylie is.... well. (more on that later)
It's 645 am and my stomach hurts because of the early hour. I would try and eat something to calm it down, but I can't eat anything before like..9 without wanting to hurl.

I talk about vomiting alot...


Anyways, the reservation last night was ACTUALLY decent. CAPSA sponsored a tri-high swim party. The music was the perfect volume and I won some prizes. What? What? Yes. I did!

2 movie tickets ( which will be used to either "500 days of summer" or later on in November when "New Moon" comes out.) Also, I won 2 free t-shirts!! And they actually fit, and look good so double plus high five to your mother. Meggae got some last night, I finished my "Writing Process" paper ( but it's a good thing it's only the first draft) and then I watched the rest of Oceans Eleven.

Oh. And swimming rocked also.
I can't wait for things to calm down. I enjoy being busy, but my last day of work it SATURDAY! CAn I get a w00t w00t!?

140

I'm going to vomit. And my head feels like it's being crushed underneath a ton of bricks. Literally.
I don't know the reason.
I've been eating healthy, working out daily, mostly getting enough sleep. Maybe that's the kicker. And especially for last night because no matter [[WHAT]] I did I couldn't slip into "z's". Then had to get up at 730 for English Lit. Plus the 5 flights of torture just to get up there.

In happier news though Nate and Max are awesome study partners and I can tell we're going to get along just fine. And I'm actually pretty stoked to turn in my first paper which describes my own personal writing process.

It's hilarious. At least I think so.
We'll see.


Ran hard, perspired a heap, saw Megan Davis. Awkward.
Drove home, tried to fall asleep but just ended up doing a couple quizzes online, started on the next chpt in Natural Disasters, and started charting out my Disaster Action Plan ( to stay ahead) and then cleaned my room again. I need to vaccuum and dust again. (Sighs). I hate being OCD about my room, it just makes things more busy.

Went back to campus for ND and Math. Both classes were super boring because I already know all the material. We learned about plate tectonics and all that... stuff... years ago. Let's get on to the interesting like the first week. What happened? Did she just lead in with all that finess' to keep people registered? Annoying. And then I almost passed out in Algebra because...

... well I'm blaming fatigue.

.. but more good news. I got 8/10 on my first quiz in that class, and I honestly thought in my heart of hearts that I'd failed. I cried when I got home that day. There's just a lot of pressure since I'm not paying for school out of my pocket this school year.. Got to keep the grades up, and I'd really like to get my GPA up so that I can study abroad in Africa or something next year. We'll see what happens. So much to think about.

++++ The reservation canceled. So now I can do a little more on the DEAP (disaster emergency action plan), take a nice longer shower and an Advil and hit the sack.

hm.
My body's sore from mortal combat volleyball last night.