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Wow.
I wish my mom was here.

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Halloween work out this a.m.. 2 really. I went to investigate Natalie's free "boo" camp at Adam's park. She's such a dork. LOVE IT. Love HER. It was far out. We tossed pumpkins, and um.. did other things. I had to leave a 1/3 of the way through; sped on over to SARC for my session with Patrick and Melanie.
He had a horrifying work out for us also.
Here's a little taste of some of the things we did:

Frankenstein Walk
Tricep Dips of Terror
Mummy Sit Ups
Vampire Bat Press
more Pumpkin tosses
Zombie Defense Kick (by far the most enjoyable one)
Witches Brew Briceps
Dead Body Bag Drag
Eyor Shuffle? ( I don't know why he used Eyor? LOL)
Pumpkin Knee Smash
Alien Push Ups.

.. there were several others, but oh my the entire thing made me crack up. It was gut busting (weird pun) although I felt like the living dead by the end. Heh... get it.. I've been trying to get my arms (shoulders, biceps, triceps, forearms) smaller. I just feel like a man when I look at them, so I haven't been doing to much resistance training (with my arms) He measured them today, there still at 12, which is alright. They used to be like 15!

My parents are heading out for New Zealand in a couple hours. I'm happy for them, they need this. REALLY they should be going for longer than 2 weeks. More like 2 months! But I already miss them! And yeah, I'm a little put out that I'm not going to be going with them as was originally planned. Ugh. I get it though. Hopefully I figure out in these next 2 weeks why I wasn't supposed to go. And I hope it's because there's something AWESOME coming up. We'll see.

There's a lot of things on my mind lately:

Dannalucata Sicily.
One of the most beautiful and quaint little nooks of earth.
I'd go back here any day.
I miss the Mediterranean.

Patzicia Guatemala
When I think of this trip two word comes to mind:
Love.and.perspective.

Torquay Australia
I love oceans and beaches. I can't tell you how many hours I spent on the sands here;
Bells, Winkie Pop, Bondi, WhiteHaven, Thunderpoint.
It didn't matter what I was doing.
Sketching, singing, running, exploring, boogie boarding, photographing.
Didn't matter.
I love and miss my aussie family.

Chiang Mai Thailand
Jungle, jungle, and more jungle.
Simplicity and humility.Jacob Lake Arizona
Yes, I DO miss it occasionally.
When I say "it", I mostly mean the friends I made,
and fun times I had with them.


With all the thinking and missing it's made me develop some plans for the future, whether that be near future, or far far off. Some places I'd like to go, things I'd like to seeTurkish Bazaar


Streets of Prague Czech Republic


Track and Field, Swimming and Gymnastics


Banner Elk North Carolina
For the Woolly Worm Festival!

google.

Later:

Cleaned out the fridge, haven't had that much fun in a long time. Seriously. I love to clean.
Made food.
And aced my political science exam.

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Loped onto the shuttle after class today (ps. I think I aced my polisci MCExam). Normally it's crammed so I scurry my way to the back. Only 4 seats back there, PLUS the heater (that's pretty vital this time of year). I settled in next to a very tall man, and then this funny old guy with a handlebar mustache sat to my right. As he hunkered down next to me said "Wow! It's my lucky day, I get to sit back here with all the groovy kids!"

Totally serious.
SO FUNNY. Later, a jam by Kenye West came on, he commented to the girl to his right that it reminded him from a song from the 60's. What the? Weren't all those songs about protesting? He hopped off the bus and all of us there at the back smiled to each other and chuckled lightly. Older people are pretty funny, and sitting at the back of the bus is BOSS.


Also.
Ah! Painting!!

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Professor Llyons is leisurely setting himself up for the top of my "most favored professors" list. It'll be close between him and Alice Chapman. Both are outragious, and have inspired me profoundly, in a non-cheesy sort of way. I'm not sure what it is about this political science class. I mean, are ALL of them like THIS? If so I'll be signing up to take a full semester's worth of classes.
It's engrossing with a dash of nonsense, and he's bloody hilarious.

No other instructor on the entire planet could pull off a line like "Who gives a hula hoop?" and still be 100% {legit}. So slapdash. It's great.
While describing his neighborhood he noted it consists of 2 types of people:
The elderly who appreciate the short walk to the temple, and drug dealers.

We asked him which category he fit into and he said "I'm an independent".


He's a Democrat.
I don't know what I am.




l.a.t.e.r

Was uploading my camera to get some photos on my other blog and came across this little number. The things people do in this house when you're napping! I think it's was pretty cool though, not going to lie. I wish I was her right this instance!

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Alright, I know what you're all pondering. It's a query that's been {frothing} about in my noggin for a bit also, so don't feel too atrocious about not knowing the answer. I've got it. So how about we note the question:

{Why is my mom better than yours?}
Because she arranged a vibrant veggie tray/platter for me to snack on, instead of Halloween candy. Seriously, the thing reminds me of a kaleidoscope with all the lively colors. We've got some bright red cherry tomatoes, sunset orange carrots, forest green broccoli, etc. Vegetables excite me. Did I really just write that.... AND she purchased ma' freezing-self some lovely pink long johns. Yeah. That's right. She's got my back! [my whole body really] And now you know the answer, don't ever question "why" again. If you do- feel free to come back and peruse this post. I don't mind.


Let's talk about my day. (If you didn't expect this, feel free to navigate to someone else's blog. I'll wait why you do. Gone? Alright.)

I spent my morning being attacked by a black/german man named George.
Yep. I wrote that right.
George probably weighs a good hmm...270-310 lbs. (bless him) That's a guess. And I'm really awful at guessing so maybe he doesn't weigh anything close to that at all. All I KNOW is that he's a lot bigger, faster and stronger than me. I mean the guy can squat press a good 700 lbs! And I gawked at him as he lifted a grown man at least 4 inches taller then him straight off the ground with one hand/arm.
Quite impressive. I even drooled a little.
In martial arts today we learned how to sprawl. It's technically a wrestling move, but whatever- the "shoot for the legs" and "cross-face" moves are entwined into Kajukenbo. Basically it hurts alot- you and the other person, mostly the other person (or what would be the point right?). Here's a break down of what happens:

Big-man-George shoots for my legs to bring me down. I sprawl [hence the freaking name] my legs out behind me and land on my hip ( with all my weight) on TOP of him. Then proceed to smash his head into the ground, and crack my elbow over the back of his skull-hopefully just injuring him to point where he can't move, or killing him if necessary- (but it's about self defense not... annihilating people, obviously). We practiced the sprawl several times (not with a partner), and I'm pretty sure my hip and shoulders will be deeply bruised for awhile- but it was pretty thrilling practicing with George. Truth is the guy wouldn't hurt a kitten and he's a perfect gentleman so it was a pretty good time.
I practiced the "cross face" with Jeremy who just received his 2nd degree black-belt certificate but the whole thing made me want to vomit.

That's how I spend the majority of that class; wanting to vomit, or just thinking about vomiting.
The idea of twisting a person's neck this way, or making their arm bend like that, or snapping their fingers with THIS motion basically makes my insides want to be outsides.

So what am I doing in the class?
Learning how to protect myself of course! It makes sense for my life at the moment. There's lots of traveling, most of it solo to places where I really don't speak the language, understand all the customs, or appreciate the aggressiveness of the men. It's a good tool to have in general. I feel like everyone should learn some type of self defense. And learn how to swim. It's just useful.


My instructor is a hippie.
Just a side note.


So tonight I got to revisit an old kick. And it was SO refreshing.
I used to live in Arizona and for my second contract there I found a friend who'd go on evening walks with me along the dark forest trails, down to Tville (tonganville), through the little gravel walk ways in between each cabin or gazebo, and around our living areas. I used to do it alone, take my ipod and my sketchpad, find a quiet corner of earth and just breathe. The latter part of my contract was drawn out through the winter though so there was freezing winds, lots of wet snow, etc. No time to sit down in the mush and create. Ha ha ha ha! Not like I'd freaking want to either.

It was pretty relaxing. The strolls. A delightful way to unwind from the job stress.

We'd chat.
Sometimes we were polite, and other times we just weren't.
What I mean is that we were never really rude to each other, but sometimes one of us would just have so much to say that the other person couldn't get a word in, or maybe we were both bursting with thoughts and feelings about life that we'd just talk over each other, the result: us mostly talking to ourselves ABOUT ourselves while walking with each other. There really were a few moments where he'd leave me at my door and we didn't know what the other one had been saying because.. we weren't listening to them as much as we were just listening to ourselves. Ha ha!

Other times it was better. One of would gab, the other listen, then switch.
And sometimes we wouldn't talk at all as we strolled underneath that Arizona sky.
No matter what the conversations were or weren't like really didn't matter because it was just so nice to have a companion to walk around with.

Okay we get it, it doesn't take much to brighten Che's day but seriously. It's comforting and important. To me.

When I moved back home, he stayed in Arizona, but at nights he'd call me when he'd get off from his shift at night and I'd walk here, he'd walk there and we'd chat over the phone or NOT chat over the phone. Once back here it was the thing I looked forward to the most, and I appreciated every single one of his calls.

Anyways.
It was a nice diversion and one that made me think. Which is always appreciated. I NEED to people in my life that converse with me in a way that makes me think. I know I know, it's .. just who I am. Point is, I had an interesting thought come into my head as I drove the slick road up the Institute building tonight. (choir).

I was thinking about all the ways I halt blessings from God coming into my life. I do things wrong every day. Sometimes it's big things, sometimes it's not but the fact remains that it happens. I had an image come into my head. It's me, standing or walking around somewhere (anywhere), and there's a filter over my head. It's not solid- nor will it ever be solid so that nothing can drip through (this is because God loves me in incomprehensible ways). But every time I commit a sin of commission or omission the filter slowly closes up. Little drops of happiness, joy, or love can seep through every now and then and depending on how much I do or don't commit those sins is the result of how much good drips though.

Why don't I just do what's good all the time? And take the whole filter off so that the blessings from God can't be stopped? I've heard people say that no one's perfect, that's why. And that's mostly true, but it's also not true. Perfect people have walked this earth. Of course they were translated but an entire city was perfect in righteousness and it was lifted up.. which means that yeah, actually perfection can be reached. The vast majority doesn't get that far, I know. But..

Just a thought.

I have so much to work through. So many things to be better about.
So much to work on all the time.

Don't we all.

OK Go - This Too Shall Pass - Rube Goldberg Machine version - Official

Check this video out, it's seriously amazing.

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I desperately need to rake through another chapter of "The American Democracy". Which probably sounds like it would be humdrum and colorless, but I dig it so much it's like leisure reading. Can't get enough of our muddled political system and government. Fascinating. Seriously.
And hilarious. Which is mostly why I revel in it. The more I discover and understand it, the more batty and gump it becomes. We are SO sophisticated here in the states.... nothing about it is logical. Anyways...

Before I skedaddle off to put a couple hours in, feast upon a deliciously hot and tasty meal (home made chicken noodle soup and wheat bread) and finally sunder my shoes (because they now feel glued to my feet) I wanted to jot a few things down. Mostly for myself.

I was having a pretty difficult morning. Not getting to bed early is really starting to do me in. Once again I didn't make it to my math class, of course I can't say that I minded to much when I looked outside and saw how gray and cold it was. It WAS one of those days where you snuggle under the covers and take another 1/2 hour. And I did.
I'm not sure if it was also the weather that made me break down as I ate my oatmeal this morning. No one was home. Well, no one was home that was also awake and in any near proximity to me.

I thought about that while I put myself back together, rinsed my dishes and grabbed a snack for later on my way out the door. The whole drive up to the school I just couldn't stop crying. In the end, because I needed to just find a reason for the whole episode, I decided I just needed a friend. And after I decided that, I felt like a 5 year old.

I thought about that as I headed to Institute.
It was a beautiful if not hard lesson. We talked about what happens if we decide not to repent. I'm not going to write about all the new things I learned IN that lesson ( though it was a lot and really put things into a different light for me) , but I sat down next to a girl named Janice. She was nice. And I felt better as she talked to me. She's a piano player and liked my earrings. I know it's small but I love her for talking to me today, even though I barely responded.

It was a good thing that happened because later in Political Science I sat next to some boys that spent the entire hour talking about how stupid mormon girls are. Wow. Weird.

After class I headed home. Nichelle started texting me. Our conversation made me burst into tears again but I felt good knowing that someone cared about me for that moment. Right after that Erika got in contact with me and invited me over for a few minutes. I took her some grapes from my garden and she'd made me some healthy cookies (appreciative doesn't come close to how I feel about that). Charles was a sweetheart and I love their home!

I went and worked out, which always helps when I'm feeling weird or sad.
Then up to school. Katie started texting and was pretty awesome about wanting to hang out with me.


I'm not sure what happened today. But I really needed a friend. And many were looking out for me today. I'm really grateful for that, and I hope I'm there for people when they have weird days to. I don't know who reads this or who cares but I just wanted to say THANK YOU for being the friends that I needed and need. I love you all!


Now I have to go and work on some homework, maybe watch some political ads just for fun and stretch because I'm SO sore! Night all!

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Warning: this will probably be an extensive and tangled post. But I'll do my best.


I was charged with an interesting question the other night. We* were soliliquizing (you have NO idea how long I've wanted to use that word!) about guys and our varied situations and she asked me how I knew for sure what I wanted. Honestly? I was a little startled. And perplexed. It's not that I think everyone really knows what they want.. but don't we all know what we DON'T want? Then I realized that wasn't sincere. Well, it wasn't really genuine of me-until now, and in this particular area. AND I still have a heap to learn.

I think most of us KNOW what we want, but maybe don't know best what we need.
And I believe there in, probably lies the difference.

The inquiry sent me reeling back to 2007 when I up and left for a solo backpacking trip to Sicily and Italy. Yeah, that's right. One of the best decisions I ever and HAVE ever made was to embark on that globe trot. Not understanding why I had the prowess to do it, why I felt so inviolable and self assured about going because the last thing I deserved was any form of protection; any kind of blessing while I traveled-alone, I left. Driven by wanderlust and a need to do some self discovery. At the time, I wasn't doing well (and this is my own opinion). I didn't have the best relationship with my Father. My spiritually was lacking. How I wound up down that dark twisted path is it's own story- and it's not part of this one. {But the point is-I wasn't doing well.}

I knew that I wasn't. And I didn't do anything about it. It was my fault.

While hopscotching around, through the serene and vibrant alleys of Venice I stumbled into a situation. The details don't matter but the intensity and severity of the situation does. I can honestly say that this situation is the most frightening, I've ever been in. My life was about to be mutilated. I prayed. 4.silent.desperate.last.hope.words. And I was rescued. It was a miracle. I'd probably witnessed many miracles before that but perhaps hadn't bothered to acknowledge them? This was the first time I really recognized one in my life personally. To say that it wasn't a miracle would damn me.

After that it was miracle after miracle after miracle to get me where I am today. And there in lies my feelings at the beginning. Remember how I didn't know why I felt so.. sure about leaving? I was SUPPOSED to go. I was SUPPOSED to be put in that situation. And in order to do so I had to feel safe. [That wasn't me.] That was heaven looking out for me. I'm not saying it was an easy ride, and that everything was okay after that. It wasn't really. And there are gaping soul holes from that experience that I'll have forever. I'm someone that has to learn the hard way. And I do. That's the part that matters. That I learn. And then apply. I may not always be intelligent enough to just.. skip the messy parts, or stop myself from falling short, or whatever but I fall down and then I won't forget the lesson that was intended.

I often think about this experience, and consider myself lucky. Not everyone has or needs a huge wake-up-call event happen in their life to push them to limits to see what they really know and what they really know they need. Other people don't require that. And my hat off to them.

But what I know for me is that at that moment in my life, where there was no one that could help me within a close range, where I had no idea where I was in that maze of alleyways and canals, when my life was about to be destroyed, I fell back on truths I know, deep down- that there IS someone looking out for me, who loves me and who will RUN to me if I just take one small step. I can't ever go back to the way I was. I can't EVER settle. I can't ever pretend like the things of my faith don't matter, because they matter more than anything else in this entire world and beyond. And I can't ever let the things that I know I need personally, fade from my mind.

I learn more about the things I need on a daily basis.

Because my conversation with this friend was mostly focused on dating, I wanted to touch on that.
In the dating arena I haven't had the best luck. I trust easily. I let people in. I give. It's just part of who I am. And it's not just in that arena. I know the things that I'm good at. And I'm good at this. It's also been used against me so many times and in so many different ways.

I guess it comes down to my experiences.
And more importantly the way I've learned to recognize the way the spirit works in my life. It's taken me a long time to understand how he communicates with me personally. There's a very distinct pattern that I must follow in my life to receive the guidance and clarity I need in complicated situations. I'm now to a point where it's very clear for me to see what's black and white. What's good and what isn't. I know what I need and what I don't. I've asked for that distinction to be more embedded into my person and will continue to pray for that.

When it comes to guys, because of my experiences and the spirit I do know EXACTLY what I need, in this particular area. But it's more than that. I know that I'm not ever going to deviate from that. I've seen and felt the consequences of doing that. And if I do what I'm supposed to do I'll find what I know I need eventually :D


If you want to have control of your life you need to develop a pattern to the way you LIVE your life. One that works, one that you understand, one that helps you grow. I say that like it's easy. Perhaps there are people out there that never figure that out, maybe it's something that comes and goes as things change outside of your life, maybe it's something that you have to relearn over and over again- but I believe in learning to understand the spirit-in the way you personally recognize it.

To do that?
You ask the Lord to teach you how to understand the spirit and go from there. You ask for understanding as to what you need. I think it's also important to ask to be able to understand your self worth. It's the only way I've come to know that there ARE things that I deserve if I stay true and worthy of them. And knowing what your worthy of helps you to reach for something higher.

*joni

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Okay okay, I KNOW. I've been posting heaps lately. I tend to go for a couple weeks with nothing new to report and then VA-freaking-BAM I have a ton to write about. And, just as a heads up, I'm pretty sure I'll be posting once more again later tonight. I've been working on a post entry for almost an entire day now, and it's just about complete so. Whatever. Don't judge.

Anyways. I've been trying to learn how to cook in the last several weeks. Not like I've done anything really amazing. I made 4 different kinds of bread the other day. And then I did this really awesome dessert that I was super proud of. Making those 2 salads I talked about earlier made me feel a little domestic (not gonna lie), and tonight I bought some things to try making the dessert that Scott and I had at the Hopkins the other night. It's about 100 calories and really fun to make so I'm gonna try tonight! But. I've been thinking about the whole.. me not eating enough vegetables and I think that's mostly because it's easy to get bored with vegetables (there's only so many things you can do with them if you can't cook, like me) but then I remembered the other night that Erika gave me this really cool list of vegetables and the spices and herbs that go well with them!

I wanted to share the list because I thought it was pretty sweet. You can add the S&H's when you steam the veggies, or roast them. And I suppose you could just sprinkle some of them on the veggies raw but.. here's the list:

Beets: Cinnamon, cloves
Broccoli: Lemon juice, dry mustard, toasted sesame seeds
Brussel sprouts (I love the brussels): lemon juice, marjoram
Cabbage ( I DON'T like cabbage): cumin, sage
Carrots: Dill, ginger nutmet
Cauliflower: Parsley, paprika
Greens (spinach, kale, chard): Garlic, marjoram, cinnamon
Peas: Oregano, tarragon
Pea pods or snow peas: Lemon juice, garlic
Peppers: Garlic, tomato sauce
Potatoes: Paprika, parsley, garlic, chives
Summer squash (zucchini, crookneck): Basil, garlic, oregano
Sweet potatoes: Cinnamon, cloves, ginger
Turnips or parsnips: Orange juice, ginger, parsley
Tomatoes: Basil, marjoram, oregano
Winter squash ( acorn, hubbard, butternut): allspice, cinnamon, oregano, toasted sage leaves.

Enjoy.

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{I should definitely start going to bed earlier.}

I've been having some really messed up dreams, and I feel like garbage. Also. I haven't been watching what I eat as carefully so I just feel sluggish and exhausted on top of that. Time to get things back on track.

So this week I've made a concentrated effort to eat more vegetables. I've had 2 delicious salads in the last 2 days and have upped my water intake and I'm serious when I say I've noticed a difference. Slight yes, but a difference. Baby lettuce, tomatoes from our garden, sliced carrots, avacado doused with a little lemon juice. So good! I didn't eat pie last night-which felt awesome. I don't know. Food is such a mental thing for me, and no matter where I go there's ALWAYS social pressure to eat more. I realize it's not intentional but.. it's just easier when everyone wants to live a healthy lifestyle and take care of their bodies- and I tend to avoid people that don't do that.

So last night was a victory!

I really want to learn to paint. I've talked about it in several posts. I can sketch. And I'm good with matching colors and textures but I don't know how to paint. I've tried to take a class at uni but you have to be a declared art major to get into any of the classes. Suck. But before I die I will paint something that I will be proud of! I'm not sure what it will be of or anything but.. it will be cool.flickr.tumbler.

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I was talking to one of my really good friends earlier this morning.
She's having a baby (a boy) and they ( she and her boyfriend) like the names Liam and Theodore. LOVE THOSE NAMES.

But that's not the special part.
She asked/told me something. In all seriousness.
She told me that when she had a girl she was going to name her after me, and if I was okay with that.




Bahhhhhhhhhh!

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{I think I'm an inventor.}
Not that I ever cause the inventions in my head to function in reality, but I'd say on average I come up with 3 inventions every day. I had my lava wall idea. The gadget I had in mind that would make it so you'd never have to sweep floors again (I couldn't figure out the mopping part..), but I did come up with one for vacuuming. Music sharing-have couple ideas for that, etc etc. I could fill a book with a list of the ideas I've come up with.

{I think I'm an inventor.}

Psh. Whatever.

I had an opportunity to go and do names for 12 women in my family line today. I've never done that before. I tried really hard to connect with each woman as I was baptized and the spirit during confirmations was amazing. I'm so lucky to have had that opportunity, and my Daddy was a sweetheart for letting me do it. He has some male names so I think next week I'll try and get him to come with me- I'll just do some names that they have there and he can do the male names! I'd love the chance to go do that with my Daddy!
Since I'm talking about the temple I just want to express just how much I learn about the Lord's love for his children while I'm there. That he would provide a place for me to come and worship, feel loved, and (most importantly to me) feel protected and safe from the world is an amazing gift. I think about the world, and all the things in the world that are trying to reach out and snare me and I get scared. Not in a "I'm going to hide in my room forever" kind of scared but... I just worry for my family, my younger siblings especially, my friends, all the people that I care about. I'm worried for my future family and the things that my children will have to fight against and figure out. The world is so big, and it's easy to feel so small.

Going to the temple it's easy for me to see my place in the world, and to remember the perspective and pattern that I'm trying to create for my life. And I need that reminder on a constant basis. I love the temple.

Tonight Scott and I had dinner with Erika and Charles! Their apartment is quaint and cozy- Erika's done an amazing job putting everything together and the spirit there is amazing. I love Erika and I've been so lucky to have gotten to know her. I became her visiting teacher at a time when I needed HER most. She has no idea, but she taught me a lot and the friendship that has come from that has been SO uplifting and meaningful. Her husband is a rockstar and such a sweetheart to her! Dinner was amazing! She made this great chicken with roasted potatoes. I made a mixed green salad and the whole thing was so ENJOYABLE. After dinner Scott and Charles tried to fix some electrical outlets ( sometime during the course of dinner the microwave and fridge lost power) while Erika and I worked on her Nutrition video for school. After they were done with all the electrical stuff they (Scott and Charles) went to go get their adorable new german shephard puppy (named Gunner) while we put finishing touches on her video.
After that we played in their amazing yard with the puppy-ADORABLE for a few minutes, then walked him back and came back to make some dessert.

Chocolate Steamed Pudding with Fresh Raspberries.
Scott and I just about DIED. So good. So easy. So fun.

It was a great night and I had a good time with everyone- just like always.
Next time I've decided to make dinner for THEM.
Lagoon with Meggae and Wisteria hopefully just.. SOMETIME this month.

Content. Absolutely content.

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OF COURSE. On my busiest day of the school year thus far I decide to not hear my alarm and show up to Math about 15 minutes before it ended. Then it's Institute, PoliSci, TEMPLE!, hopefully see Katie, working out, straightening hair ( isn't it sad that this takes long enough for me actually have to paste it into my schedule?), Math HW and PoliSci readings, making a salad ( yes, I have to pencil that in to) and then head in with Scott to have dinner with Erika&Charles. Then we're helping her with her homework-which could take quite a bit of time (NOT THAT I MIND BECAUSE I LOVE SEEING HER), and then back home.

Where I'll probably do some more homework and hopefully not get to bed to late.

I'm pretty excited about the temple. I think that's what I was going to write about in my last post but couldn't remember what... it.. was. But. I've never done names for my family before. I go in and do other people's family names, or just names in general but Daddy put together and found 12 names for me to do. So today I'm being baptized for 12 women from my family line.


I'll write about that more later. But it's going to be very special. :D

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The choir I'm in sounds absolutely stunning.
So beautiful. And the languages are exquisite.
I love everything about it.

There was something I wanted to write about, but .. I can't think of it at the moment.
Suck.

PS. I have a photography blog if any of you wanna check it out.
Just click HERE

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Laughed myself awake, I have no idea what I was dreaming about, or why it was so hilarious-but apparently it was. Have you ever been so tired that you feel... not just tired but so so sick. That's where I'm at right about now. I know it's just that tired sickness thing where your whole body is achy and tense, weird brain pulses and heavy eyelids, and really you could probably keel over just about anywhere and be dead to the world in seconds.

Yeah.
I'm up on campus. Arrived at about 715 and am now on blogspot trying to keep myself awake so I don't miss my next 2 classes. After that I'm home free to crawl back in my magical bed and snaggle a few.

I'm failing Math. Although my failing this time around is much better than my failing last time around so I'm counting it as some kind of accomplishment. Sad right? Maybe I should be more worried about it, but I'm pretty sure I've figured out my school situation- figured it out as in I'm not going to graduate from University with a degree or anything. I'm more of a certificate person. So yeah. I'm good with it. But don't think I'm not trying because I'm trying much harder this time around-and I am proud of it, though it shows very little as far as my grades. In Math.

I have a secret. So I'm not going to tell you exactly what I'm talking about for the next couple sentences.

It's all coming together. And all I can do now is just wait for things to pan out on their side. Then hopefully things will come thundering together and I'll be off to the start a new season of my life. I'm not sure I'll tell anyone my secret. I'm pretty sure I'll just keep it to myself and my family and then one day everyone will wonder what happened. I guess I just don't want anyone's opinions about what I plan on doing with my life. I figure the Lord knows, my family knows. My family approves and I feel good about it spiritually so nothing can influence that- but yeah. I don't want to risk it but oh baby I'm so freaking excited!

Can't wait.
Can NOT wait.

Just several more weeks and things will be finalized.

I can only see one small thing that could possibly distract me. But in a good way. So.. let's see if the distraction will happen right. I kinda feel like it could here in the next little while, especially if the "elbow pinch" continues.

I made a comment in Relief Society yesterday. It doesn't matter what I said but I thought it was interesting what happened next. Sis. Merrill came over and sat by me at linger longer and said something to this effect..
"Ya know, I've learned something about you. You don't comment very much in class, and you rarely stand up and verbally share your testimony with us-but when you DO raise your hand to comment, or do stand up and share your testimony verbally with us I know to listen, because your perspective on things is unique and special and it impacts me greatly every single time."

It made my day. Because she's right on at least one of those things. I don't share what I feel often. It's hard for me to articulate what the most important things in this world mean to me. And I think for me I've chosen to share what I believe by the way that I live my life. It is rare for me to comment or speak up, but if I do it's because I feel particularly effected by it, and it's true that my perspective or take on things is seen slightly different from others.


For example.
We talked about baptism. And about us being willing to take the name of Jesus Christ upon us. I certainly find that amazing, but what I find more amazing is that the Lord and our Savior would be willing to LET US do that. I know for me names are very important. I'm named after my Great Grandmother- and with that I know there are certain standards and conducts of life that I need to live by and be an example of. I don't want to do anything to befoul her name or be a disappointment TO the name. In turn it would be a very big deal if one of my children were to name their child after me. Or for me to give my name to one of them. I would expect certain things with that action, I would want them to respect my name and to respect themselves WITH that name. It's a big deal. And I find it impressive and loving that he would trust me and many others with that privilege.

I love what the gospel teaches me personally. And I like that it's individualized and customized because each of us see things differently- though the outcome I think is very similar.
Just a thought.

Black light paint party tonight. :D

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So I really just feel like I'm supposed to be there.
But I also don't know what I can do to speed up the process to get things in place.

OH MY GOSH. I just feel like I'm about to explode. But only sometimes.
There are long moments of peace, and comfort, and I feel like I KNOW that where I'm at... it's not the most exciting, it doesn't feel the most productive, I'm not entirely happy, but I'm not sad or upset about anything either.. I just feel like.. I'm here. And during those long moments where I'm okay with that- I'm okay with that.

But then there are moments like tonight where.. I'm going out, spending time with people, laughing, getting a chance to learn things about other people and to share little things about myself. I'm being social and engaging in things that make me feel I dunno, different- and it's just NOT enough. I don't understand why everything at this point just feels so meaningless. Why there's absolutely no passion in anything that I'm doing. Why I just can't care about things the way I used to, really laugh, genuinely feel ... anything.

I don't know what's wrong.
And that's just it. I hate feeling like there's something wrong with me.
So things are the most exciting... but I just feel like... I'm stuck.


I'm trying to shake things up. I'm trying to do things differently. I'm trying to define who I am and stand for things that I believe in but I'm just not getting anywhere. And I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do with the little energy that I do have.

I feel invisible.

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Made bread for the first time in my life.
4 different kinds.
They were devoured by all.


Go freaking me.
Also. Saw Karate Kid. FINALLY. Want to be like Drea.

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So I have a mini job for the time being.
Cleaning my house for my mom, and she put me on a retainer for the month-I'll do this until I find something else I suppose.

It kinda works out, because I mostly clean up the house anyways because I can't stand it when it's messy (I have this thing with bugs and spiders, and if things are clean there are less places for creepy crawlies to hide. Yeah whatever, I'm a wuss). So it's good. Just a daily upkeep and I'll get paid at the end of the month.

I can't wait for them to leave on Halloween ( they're going back to Australia, and then to New Zealand for 2 weeks) because then I can attempt another overhaul. They just weren't gone long enough for me to get to everything last time when they went to South Dakota. But with 2 weeks- this place will be golden by the time they return, and all their pack rat hoardage will have vanished-PRETTY FREAKING EXCITED!

I'm glad they're going together. They need this trip :D

Temple earlier today-I needed it.
Party tomorrow night at Jeff's.
No classes Friday.
Nice long weekend.
2nd Math Exam over.



Word.

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I just can't wait.

366

Yep.
Woke up to my little sister talking LOUDLY to some beef sales men guy- who I'm pretty sure was trying to pull a fast one on her.

People that can't handle door to door salesmen, I don't understand.
This guy was pretty good I must say. I listened for a good fifteen minutes to his ridiculous gig and then jumped in when I saw him trying to "close the door" or sale.
Came out from behind the corner, said we most certainly weren't interested, had he bothered to find out if she was the head of the house?, and then to take his nicely cut meats and leave.


She (my sister) is going to be one of those people that gets suckered into anything. And maybe I was a little too rude to the guy (yeah right) but I'd been awoken by his pathetic pitch, my dogs were barking off the charts and I was hungry.

What do ya do?
;)

He said "no problem" about 15 times. Yeah once a minute.

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Sundays. Yes.
I guess the hardest part, and best part of the repentance process for me (besides forgiving myself)-is the confessing part. Whether it be to a bishop or just to the Lord. It's not really in human nature to want TO confess. But as I sat in Relief Society thinking about things, a thought occurred to me.

When we confess it in a way gives up added strength to what we are trying to forsake. I'm all about working out and tracking my food, and gym stuff right? So an analogy with food seems appropriate. I keep a food log, and for the most part I can be accountable to myself for making changes when I know that my diet( diet here is a really loose term for lack of a better one. I don't diet. I do my best to live a fully and healthy lifestyle) begins to slip. But sometimes ( and these moments are becoming more and more rare) I'll justify allowing myself to eat certain things, maybe something has become a problem. Whether that problem be that I don't account for it in the way that I've chosen to track it, or some other reason. I'm no longer allowing myself to BE accountable TO myself. In a way, I let my own self down. I cheat myself. I'm not honest with myself. That's when someone else needs to come and needs to help me track my health goals. It's a strength TO me because I'm not going to be as likely to let something slip in or get distracted by something ELSE if I'm having to be ACCOUNTABLE to someONE else. And mostly likely I'll forsake that particular food item if I know that the OTHER person is going to look over things-THAT particular thing.

I think it's the same thing with the confession part of repentance.
It's not easy, but it causes you to have to be honest with yourself again-and in turn you'll be more honest with other people and in the process.
Just a thought I had.


Hogwarts afternoon followed by a magical nap.
Can't wait to play Phase 10.

364

It's a warm chocolate Saturday.
You know the ones I'm talking about. It's cold and gray outside, you really don't have that much to get done (or nothing that couldn't wait till Monday). You curl up with a steaming mug of hot chocolate and a good book (or a Dilbert comic book if you're me) and snuggle in under the covers to just.. ENJOY.

Training this morning was killer.
They got these sweet new treadmills with Google Earth. You pick somewhere and the incline will adjust to any trail you pick in the world-oh and you can see it visually on their sweet 17" screen they've got going on. We warmed up and then warmed down later on it. It was pretty sweet. We did some trail in North Carolina and then did another one.. I can't remember what it was- but it was crazy.

Impressive.
I'm going to go somewhere in the Mediterranean on Monday and maybe mix things up by spending an hour in Russia the next day. I'm pretty excited about this technology-in case that in some way wasn't clear enough.

I think I'll go and pick up my sketchbook. See what happens.

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I watched "Letters to Juliet" with my mom tonight. I was supposed to go to the hockey game with some people from the ward, but in the end it all fell through. It's fine. I was feeling kinda down about some things anyways and was actually talking to my mom about it when we were supposed to all meet ( but I DID plan on heading in later).

I've just become dispassionate.
I keep waiting and looking, and trying to create something that's going to reset the fire in me that was there just months ago. I still enjoy and like thinking about all the things that are ME. I used to be fired up about travel. Don't me wrong my wanderlust is still there but it's more like a simmer now as opposed to an explosive eruption. I used to be really into my art- a new kind of sketch every couple of weeks. I still love art. I still enjoy drawing but I haven't finished anything in weeks. I'm all about working out. And while I go to the gym every single day ( and feel awesome about that) I'm getting bored, and I keep trying to think of new ways that I could burn some calories. It's a little scary because I need that kind of variety to help with my mental health as well.
School? I love learning. I enjoy walking around up on campus and having the opportunity to meet people ( though I hardly feel comfortable trying to put myself out there.. at the moment), but I think it's like my mom said tonight "University isn't for everyone". But I guess I'm not interested in going to a tech school or getting some kind of quick and easy certificate to ( I don't want to do those things because I feel it will damage my already lacking social life).
It would make sense to just find some kind of job right?
And THAT does make sense but I know exactly what I want to do, and haven't been hired for the position that I wanted at SARC- and haven't found the time or motivation to go and talk to other Physical Therapists in the valley.

Dating?
There's one guy I'm interested in. It always seems to be that way, which I don't feel bad about. But I wouldn't say NO to just dating around and having some fun while he's making up his mind about me. And besides, I'm feeling really worn out in that arena to. I don't really know what else I could possibly do to make myself more appealing to someone, more attractive, etc.

It probably seems like I'm complaining.
But I'm really not.
I'm okay with where I'm at. I have things going on in my life. I AM meeting new people occasionally and trying to be healthy-all the time. I'm getting my act together for an upcoming humanitarian aid trip-which I'm STOKED about. Things are.....fine. But I don't feel as though I'm moving FORWARD which seems to be the problem. I just kinda feel stuck, in a rut, a lull, what have you.

I kinda feel like I'm in a dark room, no light, lots of doors. And if I could just FIND one, or see a peek of light escaping underneath the door to make SOME kind of lit path for me to follow then I could reach a door, open it, and experience that part of plan for me. But I just don't see anything. I don't feel inclined toward any one thing.
I have no idea what I'm doing in school right now. My mind changes CONSTANTLY. The whole friend making thing is worrying me. I'm just not very good at it. Ok. I can make LOTS of friends pretty quick, but things that are meaningful instead of just shallow-not so much.


Has anyone else ever felt that way?
That you're just kinda here?

Part of me is afraid that I'm missing something. That it's right here in front of my face and I'm so close to things just clicking but I just...can't..quite.. grab onto it. I guess the thing that's most on my mind is my personal life (I know right? Why would that be? lol). Someone I love once told me something along the lines like this: "Satan is trying to destroy the family, the central unit of this plan of happiness. He doesn't want that for us. He's going to do all in his power to prevent that for us. On the other side God is rooting for us, he wants that for us. If he's so involved and invested in every other part of our life, doesn't it make sense that he's also looking out for our dating situations?"

So I have to assume that there's a reason that things are really slow right now. There were a couple weeks there where seriously.. I had 8 dates in one weekend. It was crazy. It's not like I was super interested in any of those people, but it was fun, I appreciated that experience, it was a good growing time for me. So I guess this halt must be a growing experience for me in some way also.


But that still doesn't solve this problem of me not knowing what to do or where to go right now.
I mean. There are things that I HAVE to do:

Keep going to school, and finish this semester.
Continue to prepare for the CES Fireside in November.
Fulfill my church callings.
And honestly- those are the only obligations that I have right now.

I know I'm going to regret stating this, but I guess I had more obligation and responsibility.
Oh. And a dating life.

:D

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Normally I'm confused when he decides out of nowhere that he wants to get together and chill for a bit- but tonight I wasn't confused at all.
I'm so grateful for a Lord that's looking out for me, and helping me through others when I can't seem to gain a handle on things by myself.

Also.
My mom's cancer free again.
:D

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So this is how I spent my morning:

Love this little girl.

360

I want to take a book making class.
I'm feeling crafty in general.

Karrie does this to me sometimes.

359

Joyous evening yesterday.
Drove over to Katie's for some sweet sweet card playing.
-fun fact- I LOVE card games.
Almost as much as I love word games.
It was needed. I met a kid named Brandon. Somehow he knew my MIDDLE name?, and somehow-I don't KNOW how, we managed to live right across the street from each other, go to the same highschool, and graduate a year apart without ever seeing each other, talking to each other, or knowing who each other was.

HOW!?
I have no idea, because apparently our mom's know each other, and my dog used to escape to go and play with his dog "Lucky" every so often. Small freaking world. And I thought I knew all my neighbors. Anyways, it was pretty funny.

Text message at 3 in the morning.
I'm over it.

358

Headed up the canyon this afternoon after Conference. I didn't make it all the way to the 2nd gate, mostly because it started getting dark, and believe it or not there are STILL mossies up there. So we headed back down ( Tahoe and I). On the way back down an old blue buick was slowing making it's way up the path, navigating past potholes and trying not to high center. We stood by the side of the road with the intention of just letting the old thing pass when the car stopped and a lady got out.

She introduced herself as Pricilla. Sweet name. She asked me how much further it was to the top, if I thought her car would make it, and if there were any turn around spots. I assured her should be fine as long as she drove slow ( I drive a Saturn that is LITERALLY 4 inches off the ground and I made it just fine (although it took forever and a lot of tactical driving). She seemed liked a really nice lady. She's a photographer and was up there getting some last season shots (like me) for her husband as a gift (he was away somewhere). I thought that was really sweet.

We said our farewells and goodlucks and I headed down the trail again. Once at the bottom I decided to wait for a couple minutes to see if she would come back down. That would be scary to get stuck at the top of that thing, in the dark, with no cell service but after about 15-20 minutes a LandRover headed up the trail and I felt like it was ok to leave. Not much I'd be able to do in my flimsy (but fast) little Saturn anyways. And there are always joggers, trail runner, bikers, and backpackers up there roaming about to.

I hope she got some sweet pics.