415

I'm only telling Heather.
I only did tell Heather.


But I'm thanking the "one and only". Last night was exactly what I needed.


Keeping things close.
NTAC.

414

{I'm out of sync.}
Chewing things over in moments like this I can never tell where the change began, but know it's because I fell out of certain habits. I know because that tends to be the case every time. Maybe one morning I just forgot to study my scriptures, then was distracted and busy all day and never got around to it. Maybe I wasn't as grateful as I should have been for something good in my life and failed to recognize God's hand.

Maybe I just got lazy.

So it's time to realign, and implement a new attitude adjustment because mine hasn't been choice in this last while. In institute we reviewed some principles about prayer that I've really needed. This class has been right there this entire semester and every class period and topic of discussion has been right on point with what I've needed in my life lately. And today wasn't any different.

This year has been the most trying of any other. And it's not because anything big and catastrophic has happened. No one's died. I haven't gotten into any major trouble. There haven't been huge set backs though there have been a few upsets. I think the trials have come, because I decided that I didn't want to see a blurry line anymore. I wanted to become one of those people that can see things with distinction. Black and white. Good and bad. Right and wrong. Everyone that I look up to and admire has a quality that is this, or is similar to this amazing gift. Once I made that decision, everything became more challenging.

I felt like my world had been turned upside down because all of a sudden I was being faced with things I'd never experienced before, the most difficult?:

friends attacking everything about me and what I believe and know.

All of a sudden, I was HAVING to draw a line, I was HAVING to be blunt, and to make sure I stayed where I know I'm happiest and feel the most worth I had to be SO careful about what was right and what was wrong. I didn't understand all of this while it was happening, but looking back, in that aspect of my life I see HUGE amounts of growth and I now I AM that type of person. But it's all about maintaining that distinction, which is demanding. Along with all of this there were and are some HUGE decisions that I have to make about what I want to do, where I'm supposed to be, and what decisions are going to lead me and allow me to have the BEST possible life that is open and available to me.

I've been having a hard time with it.
My interests are broad, spread across an entire spectrum of ideas.
Stay here, leave?
Go for this guy or back out?
Change my major, or stick it out?
Cut people out, or learn to be even MORE careful than I have been about the people I allow into my life?
Take this job, or that one?
Try and fix things, or let them be

As I've prayed I've done it with real intent. Meaning that no matter how my prayer is answered I'll do what the Lord wants me to do, go where he wants me to go, be who he wants me to be, even if it's not what I had in mind. I've tried so hard to figure out what's the spirit and what's just me. I've tried to discover the pattern, recognize the feeling, and follow what I think is right. But I've been given absolutely no answer on any accord.

In institute we discussed the idea that... maybe it doesn't matter, and that's why we're not given any answer sometimes. That's rough. I want to feel like my decisions matter, that the way I decide to take my life actually IS a big deal. And I'd like the reassurance that my decisions was right. And if it's wrong to be let in on that immediately.

But that's not how it works all the time.
It's just different because it HAS for me, until now.


I tried to shake things up and get something going. I signed up with a nanny agency, I started looking at apartments, checking out humanitarian aid projects, the military, peace corps, traveling for fun, maybe staying with friends for awhile, moving somewhere just to get away, looking at property, a seasonal retreat, going on a mission came up, going to a different school was looked into, I checked out everything I could think, hoping to feel a magnetic pool towards one of them. I heard back from a few jobs but nothing came together. Nothing else panned out or felt good or like something I should do right now.

Frustrated, cried out, depressed, and manic I decided the only thing I could really control for now was my schooling. And we all know how Chelsea feels about schooling. But I just NEEDED some kind of plan and structure. Something to work with, even if it was the last thing on my list of things that I wanted to do. So I took a deep breath and got it together. My classes and schedule figured out, Mum gave me a job cleaning our house for some extra cash, also during this time I received my 4th calling in my ward (all of them extremely involved and time consuming), I became friends with someone who let me into her world of music and art and I've felt comfortable and progressive there, instead of numb and empty because of all the people that have walked out of my life, or I've had to walk out on them, mum and dad came home from NZ to tell me that if I did well in school that my uncle would pay for me to come out on his last humanitarian aid trip before he retired, I applied for a job here in the valley and got it almost too easily, and an interest that I've had for awhile has been pursuing, and I've found another that I plan on exploring.

My prayer, I've realized.. has been answered.
I'm supposed to be here, which is why everything has worked out the way it has.
It isn't what I wanted. It's not what I hoped for. I'm very scared about the future.
And just because I know school is right, and being here is right... I still don't know what else I'm supposed to do while I'm here. I have my callings, I'll have 2 small part time jobs, but school I have no idea- and I guess that's where the no answer part comes in.


Maybe it just doesn't matter what I decided to do, because whatever it is, I'll find a way to make it work for me. That only gives me slight comfort but the more I've found myself thinking about it, the more confidence it gives me that no matter what- I'll be set, I'll find a niche somewhere within a certain area, and I'll make it my thing. And if THAT'S not the plan, that taking this path will lead me to where I want to be, where I should be, where I will be somehow.

Now I just have to freakin' choose.

Also, I need to work on all the habits I've fallen out of and just.. get back on track.
It's all the little things:

making more time for scripture study
making sure I'm not too distracted to pray day and night
thinking about my callings more and doing my part to magnify them and help serve others
keep and refine the feminine splendor and grace that took me so long to cultivate
stay on top of my job at home and get mentally prepared for the one I've been given
work on being persistent and consistent in the things and people that make me happiest
give people more of a chance
being more kind and understanding
better listener
being more healthy
stop procrastinating!
limit time used with technology as opposed to real human relationships.


ready go!

413

What's the deal with winkers?
Seriously.


A million things. Special.

412

Click HERE to check out my short story/moment, the one I actually FINISHED.
Please comment. Tell me what's good, what's bad. What you liked, what you didn't. No hard feelings. Critique is how I'll get better. So be brutal.



Felt like punching a couple people at church today.
Don't worry. I didn't.

Today's things of significance:
snow
chatting with the Heaps'
text from BM
hug from Brenna
comments in RS
my hot chocolate
facebook convo with KF
making it up the last hill before home
dogs not barking
me yawning.

411

Finished the short story on strings, authentic, and chase.

I didn't technically get it all written down and in the computer by midnight. But I knew how I wanted to finish it at about 11:58pm and resolved to do all that this morning. Which I have. I actually finished something.

I also went and worked out with Patrick and Melanie this morning. It was so refreshing to be back in the gym with a trainer that kicks my trash, and a bionic woman keeping me motivated. Course tomorrow a crane will probably have to remove me from my bed because even as I sit here all the muscles in my body are seizing up. It's been a good 3 1/2 weeks since I had a solid sweat lock at the gym and it felt INCREDIBLE. Tomorrow will be murder though.


Math homework. Suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck.
Supposed to make breadsticks.
Ugly sweater party. ( still don't have one)
Set appt to service Oscar.
Hair.





oh no.

410

I sit this morning, a slice of triple berry pie dobbed with double vanilla ice cream in hand, in quite the meditative state.

I think it's safe to say that on a garden variety morning, the first thing I want to do when I wake up is write something, listen to something, or sing something.
I asked 2 friends of mine to give me 3 words. Any words. A noun, an adjective, and a verb.

Wisteria: Slut, desperate, eat
Joni: Strings, authentic, chase


Today I am going to try to write and FINISH a short story using one of these. The deadline to finish this sucker is midnight tonight. I just want to see what happens when there's actual pressure to finish what I start. If it doesn't work, I'm not going to be upset but it would be cool if the result is something that's just.. not even good, but complete!

409

Thanksgiving is quite the multicultural event at my place. Sour vinegar potatoes, yogurt covered yams, curry, cajun peanuts, babies everywhere! So much pie, fun games. The whole thing is quite enjoyable. Thank God for my family.

408

This is the most amazing ad I've ever seen posted on KSL:



BEST KSL AD EVER!!!
PRICE: $375.00 AD TITLE: Your lucky day! The most awesome snow blower ever is up for sale LOCATION: - Nov 23, 2010
I tried selling this snow blower a few weeks ago. Now that we are looking at one of the nastiest winters we have ever had, straight in the mouth, who wants this thing now? I seriously, no joke had someone from Minnesota contact me and wanted to know how much it would cost to ship it. This gentleman had the very same snow blower that he has been using in Minnesota for the past 32 years. Minnesota! 32 years! Where they know how to have a proper winter. Where the snow piles up good and deep. These snow blowers are tough. Built like tanks. And they don't make them anymore. So don't miss your chance on what some are calling man's finest moment. A moment of mental clarity. Enlightenment. Inspiration. A moment when a dew drop of pure knowledge was bestowed upon the head of mankind. The heavens are parted and a blessing is born. Such was the case the day this snow blower was made.

I don't know what spiteful injustice Old Man Winter performed, but oh how the hammers of Thor did ring out that day. Melding, shaping, angrily pounding out the gorgeous curves of this precision made, slush spewing, chill killer, doom machine of the frost.

I am telling you, I have worked on a few motorized machines, but this snow blower – this device is built with single purpose and sole intent. To disrespect and deliver as much shame to the icy throes of winter's chilly grip as possible.

I have torn this machine down and carefully inspected and re-installed each part. Not because it was needed, but out of homage and respect. I realized almost right away that this snow blower was not to be wielded lightheartedly. In the right hands this machine will clear all of the snow off of your driveway, your sidewalk, your neighbor's sidewalk, your neighbor's driveway, your road and could probably be used to extricate trapped miners from a Chilean mine. In the wrong hands, this could be a menacing, evil, contraption of villainy and misconduct. For this reason, I relinquish ownership very reluctantly.

In the era of this snow blower’s creation, things of this nature had “safety features” that were just that – features. Items of luxury. Opulence. Brute manliness ran rampant as evidenced by the audacious and marvelous facial hair adorned by many of the time. Please allow me to cite a non- inclusive list of the more famous examples. Burt Reynolds, Kenny Rogers, Roger Whittaker, Tom Selleck, Sam Elliot, Richard Petty, Rollie Fingers, Dan Haggerty, a young Wilford Brimley and Richard Round tree, to name a few. This list also gets an honorable mention -- the Pontiac TransAm. Technically, this is a car and had no beard. But it did have macho sized firebird decal splashed boldly across the hood of the car. No car has come so close to beardmanship.
No snow blower has come so close to beardmanship as this one. No snow blower has come so close to outright dangerous reckless abandon regarding safety either. No attempts were made to bridle the power channeled through this virile ice dagger. Once you start it up and set it in motion, there are only two ways to stop it. 1. Pull up on the lever on the handlebar 2. hope it runs out of gas. If, Heaven help us -- it were to ever get away from the operator and run willy-nill, we had all just pray no people, houses or national monuments get in the way. They would be churned up and sprayed out in a fine mist from the chute. Never to be re-assembled again.
there really should be a permit to run this thing. This thing is heartless and hungry. It’s a monster. It is, dare I say -- the Chuck Norris of snow blowers. Ironically, I have nick-named this snow blower “Chuck”.

When operated responsibly, it will concisely remove all of your winter woes. One blustery morning I saw the snow plow driver chuckle giddily at me as he drove by and buried the end of my fresh cleaned driveway with a heavy wash of dirty, slushy snow. I did not so much as flinch. I turned Chuck towards the towering snow pile. Chuck buried his face and merrily set to chomping. It was for times like this that he was born, and he was most definitely at his finest. Chuck had ravaged through the pile by the time the snow plow driver came back down the opposite side of the road. He was notably demoralized. He looked like a Wall Street Banker who had just been told there would be no multi-million dollar bonus check this year.

Examine your heart. If you find that you are a responsible and non-villainous type person and have much need to have the snow in your driveway tossed dozens of feet away, lofted heavenward in an outright challenge to Old Man Winter. If you want to make a bold statement that no flake belongs on your property where you deem it unfit to be. If you can handle the ferocity of Chuck, then please let me know. If not, then move along my friend -- move along.

407

The finger pads on my left hand don't have much feeling anymore. It's from playing the guitar. It kinda bothers me because callouses remind me of hard working manly men that perform heavy labor on a regular basis-probably involving large rocks and/or dirt- and that's SO me but NOT at the same time. But I can't even help myself. It's such a refreshing distraction from all the trash happening right now, and it feels good to be learning something new.

I can now play, with limited success, "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz, "Painting By Chagall" by the Weepies, and "Otherside" by the beloved Red Hot Chili Peppers.



I've thought about working out all day today, and still haven't gotten around to it.
Also. I've tried to convince myself that sitting on the stairs around the corner from where my mom was speaking to my sister on the phone wasn't eavesdropping. But it totally was. And mom still hasn't said anything about that conversation.

From what I heard, my family just got thrown into more chaos.

406

I think I've veered into the wrong person.
Not like who I am is bad. But substandard. For myself.

Ever feel like you're just supposed to be more... something? Like your influence should be more far-reaching, your ideas more well known, you, yourself larger than this life?



Well.
I think I'm supposed to be famous.

Where's my red carpet?

405

Travesty's of international proportions.
1. I can't find my bloody camera


2. Blizzard? Really?


One of those days where I just need to sit and write for a bit. About nothing in particular. It's cold and gray, I've got the canines curled up on the couch, house is empty (kitchen is a mess-don't look, don't look), shoulders sore, but it's good to be warm and drinking wild raspberry tea.

I follow this girl on tumblr because she puts of the most amazing pictures ever. But in between them she puts little prompts on things to write about. So I'm going to do a couple of those until I figure out how to put into words what I want to.

1. What's Your Middle Name And How Do You Feel About It
Jo. That's my middle name. And it and I have had a love hate relationship over the course of my life. It's taken from my great great grandmother. Growing up I really disliked it, I felt it was a boys name and that was embarrassing. In highschool my friend Linds, knowing that I didn't really care for it started calling me Chelsea Mae-which I liked much more. Then one day I learned some more about my great great grandmother Jo. I realized she was an amazing woman with an incredible story and that hopefully, the reason my parents had named me after her, was because they believed that one day I would be able to fit those shoes as well. I have a lot to live up to with the opportunity of carrying on her name, and if I were ever to pass it along to one of my children I would have the similar expectations. I hope I do well to keep her good name, good.
2. Favorite TV Shows
Only in 2010 right? I don't watch to much TV, but I do have a few I prefer when I DO find myself watching. The Cosby Show is HANDS DOWN my favorite. Bones, Biggest Loser, Hells Kitchen, Top Chef, Gossip Girl, the Office, and I was a fan of Lipstick Jungle for awhile but I'm sure they don't make that show anymore. TV. Yeah. I'd rather read but, there ya go!
3. Your Favorite Season And Why
Summer. Of course. The reason? Everything that I love happens or IS in summer. Sunshine, cloudless blue skies, the smell of freshly cut grass, hot asphalt, barefootedness, tan lines, vacation fever/trips, camping, sweat, outdoor activities and sports, free time, fun love, summerfest, swimming, heat, sugarfree snowcones, biking everywhere, G comes back, lady bugs, butterflies, moths, golden mountains, warm rain, crickets singing, working with Daddy, volleyball Tuesdays, airplanes, lawn naps, sidewalk chalk, body painting, waterfights, fruit smoothies, first dam cardboard boat making, canoeing, and kayaking, floating the canal, new movies, concerts, humming birds, money, sleeping in undies, night games and stargazing, morning hikes, laughing, the list seriously could go on and on. I. Am. Summer.Summer. Is. Me.
4. Your Least Favorite Movie{s}
Number one: The Labrynth with David Bowie. HATE that movie. With the exception of Toy Story 1&3 and Finding Nemo- all Disney Pixar films. Alice In Wonderland ( Tim Burton version), the Grudge ( I will never see another scary movie again. Ever), Hairspray, Madagascar ( all of them-I like the penguins, but not enough to ever see those movies again.), um, I might get in trouble for this one because I only saw part of it but.. Dumb and Dumber. Couldn't get into it, not my sense of humor, Edward Scissor Hands [I will never understand the hype around this movie], as long as we're talking about Johnny Depp I'll go ahead and put Secret Window on the list [ any scary movie goes on this list. Hate em'], Jaws, Fight Club.. that's all I can think of right now. I guess this question begs the next:
5. Your Favorite Movies {s}
Narnia. Enough said. Yes. Pride and Prejudice comes next (the Keira Knightly version). Sorry, but Darcy is swoon worthy material. Harry Potter movies ( they just keep getting better and better) The Interpreter, Twilight series, Count of Monte Cristo, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (both), WallStreet-Money Never Sleeps, Jumper, Letters to Juliet, Highschool Musical (all of them), Land Before Time, Mr&Mrs Smith, Night at the Museum (both). National Treasure (first one), Shawshank Redemption, Inside Man, Eagle Eye, Iron Man1&2, The Proposal, The Illusionist, While You Were Sleeping, Funny Girl, Mary Poppins, Sound of Music, Pearl Harbor, Titanic, March of the Penguins, Oceans, Enchanted, Golden Compass, James and the Giant Peach, Who Killed the Electric Car and more.

Just found this: When's the last time you saw such a beautiful specimen? I'm not talking about the dog, I'm talking about this 70's crushed velvet antique. So ugly. So perfect.

404 {break time}

"So, are any of you traveling over the break?"
*class nods*
"Let's here about some of the places. Anywhere exotic?"
*hands raise and he points to a couple students*
"You there."
"Vegas"
"St. Louis"
"California"
"Wellsville............"



Right. So today we talked about the United States National Defense and our budget. The 2 states in the US that receive more money for defense than any others are.... wait for it.... wait for it... Nebraska and Vermont. Really?


PROTECT THE CORN FIELDS AND MAPLE SYRUP AT ALL COSTS.

Psh.

403

Best texting conversations ever:

"Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?"
"You weighed it??"

"Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from the 4th grade."

"You made a 14 page power point about why Santa would beat Peter Pan in a fight?"
"I'm very convincing"

"Um, he emptied the entire bag of goldfish on the table and then rolled around yelling the theme to jaws while trying to eat them"

"We played this game where bears were coming to kill us"
" That explains the pepperoni's in my socks"
"No it doesn't....."

" I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think we're related"

402

I made it to bed by 4am.
Something happened.
I can't explain it.
I don't want to explain it.
But this is my blog.
And I feel like I should be able to share whatever I want on it.
Even if it's hard.
Even if it's humiliating.

Fine. New Resolve. Feeling okay.
Then one stupid thing.
Which was my own stupid fault.
And now I'm undone.


.again.

"I am humbled in this city. There seems to be an endless sea of people like us. Wakeful dreamers. I pass them on the sunlit streets. In our rooms, filled with laughter. We make hope from every small disaster."

401

400

He never had to look over his shoulder or feel anything but happiness. He was free.

{sometimes I..

forcast alternative realities.} And that isn't because I dislike the one that I'm in.


My own place. One mondo studio apartment maybe on the 40th floor of some incredible high rise in some exquisite city. I'd love to take a space and create a soothed, enjoyable, refined piece of heaven. Keep things simple. One GIANT bed; fluffy pearl comforter with a toppling stack of soft white and champagne pillows, silky sheets and perhaps a creamy canopy.

All around this beautiful bed would be some kind of intricate and vibrant persian rug. Deep purples and maroons, warm blues, maybe some dashes of jeweled mustard yellow. White plush carpet everywhere but the kitchen (which would be wood) An open vanity to one side or the other. Dark cherry wood desk, Galano stool, large oval mirror and maybe a Victorian Filigree lamp, a tall skinny vase sporting a variety of wild flowers. In the cupboards and draws I'd have all the essentials, along with every organic spa treatment for anything you can think of.

An open closet and shoe rack with a dark cherry wood divider creating a dressing area in some corner. There wouldn't be a phone, a TV, or a computer. Just a small book shelf with all my favorite reads and sketch paper and pencils, and perhaps some other writing materials.

The kitchen.
One hanging pots and pans rack, and cupboards with everything else. Fridge stocked with fresh fruits and veggies, yogurt, chilled water. No carbs, no sugar or candy-with one exception-dark chocolate. The whole idea would be to have some kind of get away. A place to find some peace and quiet away from the world and just disappear for a few days, weeks, or months to go back to basics. Cleanse.

I've tried to make the space I have today into a soothing environment. But if resources weren't an issue I would HAVE this place somewhere on the planet to escape into.

Write about the space YOU'D create. I'd love to read about it.

399

So I was browsing through my phone just now and came across the "Notes" Application. Whenever I hear a song on the radio that I dig, but don't have the time to look up, or a thought that I want to think about LATER comes careening into my noggin, I hurry and open up this app, and write it in. Then later I can think about it when I have time. It's like my own personal pesieve-like from Harry Potter...which I'm going to this weekend.. and honestly canNOT wait for.

Back to the Notes Application. I have things in here I wanted to share because I don't understand them anymore:

7/17/2010 "Say it out loud-VAMPIRE"
7/25/2010 " Cast me a magical spell that will give me dominion over concrete."
11/6/2010 "This is my life you can't obtain it. Nobody can change me yeah"
11/8/2010 "Protest images. Pair o' normal activities-copyright. Demon Expedition at AP"

I lead a pretty wild life I've decided.
My notes in my Notes App proves that.

I woke up this morning with my teeth clenched and every single muscle in my body tight. It's an odd phenomena that happens occasionally. Was I stressed out? Having a bad dream? Having a GOOD dream? I really don't know, but my jaw is achy and my teeth feel weird. The rest of me is fine.

I feel like my brain is going to explode with all I want to write. So instead? Some pictures. Enjoy

398

Joni is awesome! We totally went up to campus and painted for almost the entire afternoon- and it was great! I've never done it before, so I was really nervous and jittery about it but I'm pretty proud of what I've done-it being the first time EVER in my life. I want to finish this, and then try something slightly more challenging- it was really fun! And I might need to invest in my own stuff-it was super relaxing and Joni was totally hilarious. ;)

Sighs.
Good day.


Also.
I figured out my grade in Math. I have a D. If I can get 73 points out of the remaining 116 points available, I'll get a C and PASS THE CLASS!! It's going to be close ladies and gentlemen.. it's going to be close...

397

ALRIGHT. So.....my parents have returned from their little adventure to New Zealand. Yes, I believe they should have stayed longer [of course], but you guys! I can't even embody it! I'm thrilled they're back! Talisa and I drove down to the airport to pick them up. Twice some crazy truck drivers sped on by, dangerously pushing us off to the side of the road through S.Canyon.UM OKAY. Both times I cursed them, that they would be pulled over. And both times the cops snaggled the reckless hooligans and hopefully fined their behinds.

Then we got lost. YES. We honestly got lost going from here (my house) to the airport. How many times have I driven to the airport? Many. HOW we got lost? Someone please tell me. So special. And I freaked out. I HATE being {lost}, and it happens often so I kinda just... lose it, start yelling at drivers, cursing. It wasn't my finest moment. But we figured it out. So we're there, waiting at Terminal 2 for the units to make their grand entrance back into America when all of a sudden- the car dies. Please note that we're in the section where it says "No Parking. No Waiting". Don't worry. We figured the entire thing out, got the jumper truck to help, found my exhausted but glowing mum and daddy and began piling in the luggage- but not before Daddy pulled out some Aussie Candy, then headed on home.

We talked and talked and laughed and talked and laughed some more.
Big smile.



-----------
Today:

Woke them up with dogs and we talked some more, and my mom is going to help me cook tonight which I'm super excited about. And then Daddy is going to try and help me figure out this math thing. We're thinking that if that's the direction I go that maybe I can take the math class from somewhere else like B. or something. Because I guess the class is easier, and the credit would transfer. We'll have to figure that out quickly with Spring Reg. just around the corner.

Now I'm talking with Jarren about our best make outs.
Mine is still the one in the walk in freezer.
I love my friends.




Sidenote.
Lock your doors at night people. Seriously.

396

It's Victoria's birthday today. She's 20, and I'm excited for her to come home and see what I made her!! Also. She wanted stuff for her "moving out boxes" so I got her a red water picture, her favorite candy and then Talisa's got the card and is going to come up with an IOU- maybe Brian Reagan tickets. Or 2 movie tickets, or a Border's gift card. We're not sure yet! But she'll be getting something else.
Later tonight I'm heading in to pick up my parents from the airport and I'm SO excited! Not only to see my parents (I've missed them so much, and now have a new appreciation for how much they've put up with us 6 kids for our whole lives. Honestly. I've never cleaned so many dishes or helped out with so much laundry. Also, of all the animals taking care of the fish is the most obnoxious- the puppies and birds are fine :D ), but also because I LOVE AIRPORTS! I'm fascinated and I love the atmosphere. Seriously. I could just sit in there and watch people jetting off every which way! I can't wait for them to tell me all about their trip! And yes... there bringing presents to so OF COURSE I'm excited about that. Man. I'm such a five year old. But I love them.

I have so much to talk to them about too!
My schooling
Nanny jobs
How FHE is going
How much cooking I've done

My mom will be so impressed! And my daddy will know what to do to help me! CAN'T WAIT.
So I wasn't going to write this here. But now I don't care. I keep so many things inside that are good, and tend to only write about things that are confusing or hard. But today I have something pretty exciting- for me anyways. After class today George walked me to the bus stop, and got my number, and said that we should get together. I learned some things about him today during Martial Arts. He's going into.. get this.. POLITICAL SCIENCE, so we had TONS to talk about and it was awesome. He's going to do some internship on the West coast at some point and he's thinking that one day he wants to run a campaign or be a lobbyist. Also- he's thinking about becoming a minister. What the heck!

395

Baked Fetuccini:
Alright, so I did it! And it was pretty good, but I actually modified the recipe in my book because-for me-it was just to creamy. So next time I'll use about half the fetuccini, half the cream, have the sour cream, and half the cheese. It was good! But to heavy for me personally! It was fun!

Oh, and I made a salad.

394

Dream:

Sitting on a bus with no shocks with Niko Riley and Wendy Heely in front of me. I really had to pee, but had a letter to deliver to Shane, but for some reason the girls in front of me starting talking about how I'd misspelled it. So I changed it to Chane, and they got off my back.
He finally stopped the bus and I made my way through several narrow dark alleyways to a restaurant with some restrooms.
I couldn't pee though, because Sirus was looking over the top and acting like a creeper.
All I wanted to do was pee! I came out, wanting to pummel his butt for acting like a skeaze but couldn't find him. I then made my way back up to the bus and got on. We started driving when I realized I still hadn't peed.

That's when I woke up.
I hate peeing dreams.
Just sayin'


Veteran's Day.
My parents come home tonight. I'm going to pick them up at the airport this evening.
It's also Victoria's birthday. So I need to go find her a pressie, make some girlie cupcakes and develop one of my pictures.
List:

dishes
laundry room
living room
playroom-kinda
math assignment
figure out some classes
post on my baked fetuccini (still won't tell you how it went)
yeah :D

393

OHmyGOSH!

I'm going to try my hand at preparing a baked spinach fetuccini dish. I'm twitchy about it, but I went and purchased all the ingredients; I'll get started on it in a couple hours. Don't fret. I'll let you know how everything turns out. Or doesn't. Also, pictures will be adapted.

I hit the skids with my math test this morning-pretty sure. It was my fault. I didn't bother studying. Not that it REALLY would have mattered but perhaps I wouldn't have failed as badly. Whatever. I'll just have to wait for the scores and refocus for the next one-the blasted and horrifying comprehensive final. On the other hand I'm sure I aced my political science essay exam. Big smile.

On the way over to the Institute building, after Math, I headed into the NR building (partly because it was icy and I was slipping all over the place-also obviously it was freezing. And partly because this thing with Math is really starting to feel like an insurmountable challenge ) to get some pamphlets on majors and see what activities they have going on in the department. While in there I started chatting to a man named Michael. Apparently he replaced Maureen like.. a year and a half ago. Obviously I haven't stopped by too often-at least to the main office. He asked me what I was looking for and helped me out, then asked me what my major was. The point is we got in a pretty depthy discussion and he helped me figure out where I'm at in my schooling (cause I've never really been sure). We checked out some different majors I'm considering, and how far along I am, and would be if I were to declare a different major:

Health Education-Exercise Science-60% of the way done
Journalism and Communications- 65% of the way done
English 75% of the way done
Botany- 81% of the way done- I have no idea how that happened?
Geology--63% of the way done

So now I'm thinking again, because I need to do something that doesn't have much Math. And I don't want Math to stop me from getting a degree or something (if I decide that's something that's important to me- right now it's not. At all) But things in other areas of my life aren't progressing. Also. He said whatever emphasis in whatever major I choose can be adapted to be lenient in the Math department. Which is wonderful. I can't wait to talk to my Daddy about it! Him and my mum come home TOMORROW NIGHT. So excited.

So there's that.
And I'm working on figuring some other things out.
It's nice to understand the schooling a little better. Comforting.

392

Martial Arts.
Trisha volleyed into tears after being demonstrated on. We trained in "escapes". There was a heap of wrist and finger wrenching. Most of it just involved uncomfortable pressure, but the last one we practiced was a little grating. Literally. Poor Trisha.

Headed to the gym for the first time in 2 weeks! It's not that I haven't been doing anything day to day, but there's nothing like an hour long, monitored sweat-lock to make you feel better. Make ME feel better anyway.

It was so WONDERFUL.
After arriving home I danced into a piping hot shower. I imagined myself under a smoldering waterfall on some equatorial Utopia dipped in sunshine, instead of just a man-made infrastructure. It made it that much more enjoyable, I'm embarrassed to say how long I was in there [so I won't] just enjoying the heat. (this weather is ...Siberian). The whole room was full of cozy sweltering steam. Stepping out, I wrapped myself in my flufffy robe and sat on the floor slowly drying my hair. It was nice. I continued the relaxation by makng and drinking the most delicious creamy hot chocolate, with a baby scoop of double vanilla ice cream on top.

Good day.

391

Best part of the ride on the way down? Seeing a billboard sign that said:

"Grandma's pills could be your kids next high".
It's snowing.

390

{Some thoughts on psychological warfare.}
Conclusion and solution: Next time don't repress.
Or better yet: Don't let me there be a next time.


"Trucks to Montanon's, and like families to Utahns"- Prof Llyons
We discussed the Electoral College in class and OHMYGOSH I do NOT understand it. AT ALL. He probably went over things 5 times in 5 different ways because the system is so complex and ludacris. I came to a deduction at the end of the class period that we should all start putting some stock in the "california plan" to select our President, and circumnavigate around the General Elections and Presidential elections and base everything on the National Popular Vote. It certainly wasn't in the framers plan to make the whole thing a circus act. But it is.

I'm giving myself 15 more minutes to put this together.
As I strolled on over to the Institute building I saw some face-painted beings hiding in the bushes donned with nerf guns. They leered and I couldn't figure out what in the world was going on, then remembered it's Zombies VS Humans up on campus. I should've gotten involved this year. But I didn't.

I needed a good laugh later.
So I tried to make some pancakes.
Sad, pathetic, but totally comical.
I had a little more free time so I headed into Borders to browse. I found about 15 books that I want. All different kinds but 2 in particular that I MUST get my hands on. A vegan cookie book, and another cookbook with over 400 recipes using only 4 ingredients in each one. They were in the Bargain Books area, so I think I'll go in today after painting. PLUS. I need to get black leggings for Sunday's performance-and find someone who knows what things they changed at the beginning of the second song.


5 more minutes.
As I was getting into my vehicle I saw this man with a black hoodie jogging over to my car carrying something. Of course there were several seconds there where all the martial arts I'm learning zoomed through my head. Then I realized I could just shut and lock the door really quick and be much safer.. but I didn't. He was waving so I totally thought that I knew him.
I didn't. But he was rad. His name was Jake, from Hawaii and was here trying to get sponsors so him and his church group (the Church of Unification) could go do projects on the other side of the world. I talked to him a little bit about what kinds of things his group had done over the years and what they were doing next. I was interested in what types of things he believed religiously and he shared a little bit. There are so many good people in this world trying to make it better. He wanted me to buy a Hawaiian dream catcher, but I have this thing where I'd rather go to the place and get my own. But I did give him a measly donation from what I did have, I'm all about humanitarian aid.

Then I went to Joni's.
I think my favorite quote of the night was "If you were a bagel, you'd be 8-grain".
And I'm pretty sure I coddled the stuffing out of the toy moose I got my hands on. It had 2 wires, but only in it's antlers. If I'd made the toy the thing would be full of wire and totally child inappropriate, but.. that's alright. Which reminds me, we talked a little about OCD.ness. But that's another story for a later time.

We're painting today!
AND she let me kidnap her guitar!
I stayed up till' two trying to figure it out.

389

Every early a.m. when I stumble into math class, windblown and barely coherent, Garrett always moves the exact same wheeled chair, in the exact same way, to the exact same spot so I'm not crowded in. It's sweet, but a little OC. Also, he drinks MinuteMaid, a different flavor but same brand every morning. Also? I've never spoken to him. Mostly because everything would come out slurred and broken at that early of an hour. It takes me a couple minutes to settle in, and by the time I'm able to say a couple words that are understandable, Matt tends to walk by my desk.

Today he was wearing a DIFFERENT attractive coat. Bright red.


My alarm disrupted the dream I was having about Birkenstocks and Subauru's. I think it means I'm some kind of Democrat. Maybe a conservative Democrat, if there is such a thing. All I REALLY know is that I believe in higher taxes. Whatever.


Later:
Close to the end of class a kid stumbled in who literally probably just got out of bed. Or awoke from the dead. One of the two. He was panting, hair in disarray, not kidding his shirt was inside out. While scurrying to his desk he totally tripped. Face plant.

My professor just busted up. For a good 3-4 minutes.
It was hilarious.

PS. I love this idea. Inspiration Wire

388

"How old are you son?"
"I'm 18."
"18?! I have underwear that old!"

Professors Conners: Buddhist hippie. He totally works the university grounds, long gray hair tossing about in the wind when he's not instructing in martial arts. Slightly hunched. Both legs shattered in a tournament earlier on in life. His wife? Don't worry about it ; at least 65 yrs old and is still participating in matches. Did I mention she hasn't lost a major one in 15-17 years? There. Mentioned.

We studied kicking and hooking.
Him and I are buddies (Conners and myself- my PT was one of his students for 15 freaking years- so.. we've got this bond see). He ambled over to me in the midst of the class, everyone practicing with their partners and said slightly under his breath "Do you think I could lose my job by saying the words anus and testicles to help explain some things about this technique?" I lost it. Just started laughing with everyone around me thinking I'm a lunatic. It's fine.

George was sick. SUPER sick. I mean, he still had to come to class because we can only miss so many class periods unexcused. University. Whatever. So he came and lay on the floor for 50 minutes, oh... and still got credit :D. I was partnered with Lizzie, then as she scurried off to the restroom to blow her nose I was partnered with HIM. There's something you should know about HIM. NO ONE wants to be partnered with HIM. HE is just too aggressive. HE doesn't give you time to go slowly through the motions before speeding them up. HE will actually cause you legitimate pain. HE is the one that everyone avoids. WHY he's allowed to be in the class, I really don't know. But in the minute and a half that Lizzie fled I was stuck with him.

Results:
Several jammed fingers.
Pretty sure my shin is cracked.
Good thing it was only a freaking minute and half. Prick.


Things That Suck Warmth From My Juicy Veins:

Um. this CV cold.
Scary anything (books, movies, stories, pictures, music, people, places, etc)
Goats (goatees)
The TV in Isaac's room (it turns on randomly to white noise)
White noise
Public speaking
Anything that resembles crabs or spiders
The elevator in the Geology building
Drugs
Slow moving machines (I guess this doesn't freeze my blood as much as it just makes me SUPER uncomfortable)
Pickled things (except cucumbers)
Chalk on chalkboards
Fractions
"the grid"
Fast food chains

387

Went to the temple to do some service, then after I spent a little time strolling around, sitting and thinking. And taking pictures, obviously. As I settled on the steps over looking the view and enjoying the sunshine I looked down and noticed that I missed a spot on my leg while shaving. Hm.
Also. I'd like to marry a Joe Bennett. He's got my sense of humor.

386 {maybe.we.should.prank.someone}

Arrived in stadium parking the same time he did.
Brushed his hand while getting on the shuttle-totally on accident. [for reals] It happened while I tried to stop myself from tripping over his feet. Marvelous.
Waved to him from the back of the bus when it looked like he glanced over.
Walked behind him the whole way to the engineering building, and then when he finally turned to look at me while holding open the door he realized, that it was me.

Felt weird. Then saw the headphones. Ah, enlightenment.

Later, Matt walked in. I only know his first name. But it's a great first name.
He was wearing an attractive coat and as he slid his manly self past the front of my desk I went to say something and he beat me to it:

"Man, I must be really tired this morning."

MY response?
"Yeah. Totally."


FAIL.



Nothing says "breakfast" like a left over chicken delight and some salt water.
I should probably start eating more than just my fingernails and Crystal Light.
If I were ever to blackmail someone, it would be to get a pound of frankincense, just to see what it looked like.

FHE: "Just pick one!"
And later skipping Institute Choir because the alternative was very enjoyable.



So what about today?
To tell those people, and let them know the deal goes down at 4, OR to go alone and try to gain some kind of guidance? And what about him? Is courage and indifference something I'm going to have to keep faking, or can I break down and let him see the raw hurt that's still festering underneath this play. And which will make me a better, more puzzle pieced together type? Or is the whole point to have a little bit missing so the search never stops?

385

420am received this text from Daddy.

"Arrived safely in Ballarat. Just had fish and chips."
Totally made my morning.



Just calculated my math grade.
I'm 92 points away from passing.
With the rest of the semester and the remainder of assignments there are 154 more pts possible to receive, not including the 3rd exam in a couple of weeks and the final mid-December.

Meanwhile I need to schedule the building, think of some activities, deliver some flowers and cards, get to the temple, start planning next weeks happenings, get Victoria a birthday present, study for my PoliSci Essay Exam for next week, somehow get to SI's, figure out Institute Choir, get the house cleaned (at least one more big room), find a date for the IWA fun.ness- fit time in for a work out, go grocery shopping later today, hit the bank, put together a phone list for my group, delegate (because I just can't do it all!), clean up the yard, clean animal cages and take the dogs for run, check out some jobs,water all the plants, do something with all the tomatoes- I don't know what to DO with them- anyone out there want any?, sometime today I will HAVE to have a nap ( why can't I get to bed earlier), turn in my math assignment before noon, clean out my car, set up an appt to get it serviced, I should probably mop all the vinyl, Isaac's laundry, start typing up mom's recipes for Christmas presents, call freaking Maurices to get me off their credit card billing list (idiots), try and get a number so I can do online banking and.... that's about it!


Off I go. lol.