70

Ziggity Zop!

So my program is in it's final "check" stage. Which is definitely awesome since I've been working on it for a couple weeks/months/years. Well, the idea has always been there {floating in the back of my busy mind}, but finally putting my ideas down on paper and hashing them out with the one person that I know will support my endeavors through thick and thin- Ms. Sarah Lynne- finally has happened.

Our first project is Sat. at 6 pm. And hopefully the beginning to a bright, productive summer of service.

My program is called O.T.S. {Opportunities to Serve}. A website and blog will soon be available so that our progression can be tracked and documented. We thought we'd give it a couple test runs to make sure things are legit before reaching out to the rest of my community- so for now it just involves my closest friends and family. The point is "lifting where you stand", because I don't think that people put as much emphasis on community service as perhaps they might if opportunities where there {of if they knew how to find out about them}. I know that for me when I think of any kind of humanitarian aid I think of saving up the big bucks $$$ to fly to some 3rd world country and make a difference. I do this, and I will continue to do this {in fact I'm going to Israel for next years spring break to rebuild a monestary}- but not everybody has the funds, or drive, or resources that I do to make it happen { I have been truly blessed}. That doesn't mean that there isn't something that everyone can do- at home- which is where charity should start anyways.

It's all encompassing. Not just limited to cleaning up a particular highway, canyon or park. It includes the Humane Society, Blue Star Women, Boys and Girls Club/ Common Ground, CAPSA, DI, Temples/Churches {NOT just LDS}, Sunshine Terrace, the Hospital, Breaking Ground, Life, etc. It also includes educating people about recycling {conserving}, gardening, and ways to live a "green" lifestyle. I'm including the seminars because as good as it is to talk about recycling, or gardening, or going green- I don't think that people really understand what that means. I know I didn't until I started doing some intense research and the drive to be more conservative as increased dramatically since I now know how to apply it to myself and my family's lifestyle.

I've directed it towards my age group and generation- because I honestly believe that it will be us that makes the difference. And I think that my generation has a pretty unique desire to better the world and instead of just "surviving" to learn how to "thrive" with the resources that we have. I'm not sure how it will take off- as I said our launch project is at 6pm this Saturday. I'm nervouse and jittery because it's so important to me, and I hope I can somehow channel my sense of urgency across my small valley and "lift where I stand"- because I have the power to make that change. And who knows? I don't want to get ahead of myself but it would be a dream come true to have chapters started all over the state of Utah, or the Western United States, or the Nation itself. For now CV is enough.

It's all very exciting- and I know that most of the people that have helped me develop the program don't have blogger. But I want to thank my family for all the support that they've given me, and most of all Sarah Lynne- because without her unavailing support most of my pursuits, dreams and goals would not have become a reality { and this doesn't apply to this program alone}. Thank you so much! And I hope this summer is one of learning, growth, and love!

Murphy's Law

We all know what this is..
But if by some strange phenomena you don't know what Murphy's Law is, whatever you do- do NOT try and look it up. Your computer will crash, burst into flames- stimultaneaously, and then blow till' kingdom come, inTO your face. I'm serious.

Several things that I can affirm to be true, because of the way my afternoon has played out.

1/ The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

I was dancing like a loon when my neighbor- who is old and therfore should have been taking a nap, trying to get out of a rocking chair, or taking a nap-glimpsed me through the bay window. {I realize this is stereotyping-don't judge me-, and I don't hate old people.. promise}

2/ Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

When carrying all my gardening tools down to the raspberry patch my small hand shovel {which of course it the tool I use the most} fell into the window well {about 6 ft down} and was snuggled in right next to the corner. It took me 10 minutes to get the sucker out. And then 7 minutes to get MYSELF out.

3/ The other line or lane will always move faster then the one you're in.

Driving into town- in a hurry for my interview everytime I switched lanes to get into the faster lane- the lane slowed down. Not only was I late, but I made myself look like an idiot in front of countless other drivers. I even saw one guy laugh at me as he passed.. in the fast lane.

4/ If you dial the wrong number you will never get the busy signal- someone will always answer.

Called this morning to say that I wouldn't make training because I'm feeling ill. I dialed the wrong number { and I thought it was the wrong number, but I gave myself the benefit of the doubt- red flag} some angry spanish lady answered and when I tried to say sorry she said something in spanish that I'm sure meant "moron", "dumb 'a'" or, "stupid" before hanging up.

5/ The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

I've had an itch in the middle of my back all afternoon. But when I try and reach it, I can't. And when I go to rub my back-like an animal-on some kind of surface { the wall, the corner shower door, the wooden post holding up the hammock} it goes away. Oh, and someone always sees me trying to do this - refer back up to #1

6/ As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

While in town I tried to find another bottle of my favorite perfume, only to find out that they stopped making it but I could buy something similiar, for less, that smells nothing like it...


All of these have happened to me this afternoon. I am a survivor- unless when I try and post this entry the computer transforms into a hot dog and starts singing "God Save The Queen".

68

A list of 10 things random-all pertaining to me in some way or another:

1. I'm O.C.D. {Occupied Constantly and Distracted} about text messages in my "inbox" and "sent" folders . Once I've read them, gleaned what I can, and replied I HAVE to get rid of them. Nothing says "clutter" like hordes of text messages taking up storage space and cramping my style.

2. I play my ♬ music loud ♪. And drive fast. These go together, as well as seperate ↘ but mostly together. The only explanation I can give for this is the pleasure I gain from adrenaline rushes. And my beloved appreciation of all things musical.

It's freedom. It's power. It's expression. It's LIFE.

3. My pet peeve: When people take something innocent and turn it into something terrible, or smothered with negative connotations. For example: The Swastika 卐, was first use in Asia to symbolize love, life and luck against all things evil. Yin and Yang ☯- 2 parts of a whole signifiying queisence, altered to the number 69 which means nothing but sex. Granted unity of a man and woman are implied within the symbol- but it's been peverted and defiled. On a more simple level even things like Walt Disney- all the "hidden meanings" within the movies and whatever else these hoo-haws come up with. I have fond memories of Disney movies and the values they planted within. It bothers me when people try to taint those experiences with whatever they THINK they know. Can't we just leave them alone?

4. My favorite animal is an insect. The butterfly.

Not only because they are beautiful and highly feminine, but because of all the symbolism that is attached to them. A butterfly is seen as the personification of someone's soul. Whether they be living, dying, or already dead. One Japanese superstition says that if a butterfly enters your guestroom and perches behind the bamboo screen, the person whom you most love is coming to see you. I support that! In Chinese culture two butterflies flying together are a symbol of love. Confession: I AM a romantic. Ever had "butterflies" when you're around someone you like? And can you think of anything sweeter then butterfly kisses {Maybe Eskimo, but I'm prejudice because I like butteflies more :D} And of course there is the symbol of rebirth and beauty. And of good luck. But it isn't all about the "untouchable" phenomena's, or the stories and myths/legends. The butterflies structure led to the development of kites and other aircraft designs- who doesn't want to fly? What's not to love about them!?

5. I believe that words and symbols are more powerful than anything else on earth. Stronger perhaps, than a face. Example: Anyone know who Gerald Holtom is? Many have seen his face. There's no doubt about that. And he's on my list of people to meet, and life examples. Anyone Anyone? Probably not, unless you're like me. That is to say an analytical that has to know everything about why, and how, and when, and what. Gerald Holtom is the creator of the peace symbol. And a personal hero to me.
☮

6. I have a lot of questions. Like who decided that pressing their lips to anothers could be a sign of physical love and affection? Or why is the "bird" the bird? {This one I'm REALLY curious about, so you can guess I'll be doing some research.. as soon as I have all my other random questions answerd.} Who decided what words were curse words? And where in the world does the phrase "OK" come from... Whatevs. Accents? Time? Holidays?

7. I thoroughly enjoy being a woman.

8. I also think that the world is a very good place, despite what "he" or "she" says.

9. Anything burnt tastes better- as far as I'm concerned. This includes toast, turkey/chicken, popcorn, soup. Basically anything that can have charcoal forced upon it I'm more willing to eat then anything else. Especially burnt popcorn. Delicious.

10. [[[[I collect dead plants.]]]]] Not because I "accidently" kill them, but because I let them die and dry on purpose. .. I've got my reasons.

67

Job training starts on Wednesday.
I don't know how to feel about this job. The problem is my super picky-ness and my dislike of sales. I can't ignore the $$$ though. Or the fact that I haven't been selected anywhere else. Maybe it's just time to bite the bullet *chips tooth* and go for it. 4 months. I already know that will be pushing it, especially if by some miracle I'm not picked off by the first 2 weeks.

I've got the job at Vector Marketing, but I'm going to try for 1 other job. The Scooter Shop. It's a sales person position as well but....I don't care. It would be exciting to learn all about Vesper's, Bullet Bikes, and other motorcycle-ish vehicles. I don't know how much it pays, but it just seems like it would be a job I would find appealing and interesting.
So early in the morrows "a.m." I'm going to head in- and give Tony one {1} last call.

This afternoon was invigorating. At 4:30 we {me, and 20 of my friends} headed to the middle school volleyball courts and kicked it up!
"Foul!"
"Sacrifice your bod!"
"Dive baby dive!"
"Throw sand in her eyes! Ahh!!"
"Spike! Spike! Spike!"
"It's mine!.....Just kidding it's not!!!"

15 games and 4 hours later the pavilion filled with food called most of our names. Middle names and all. The best veggie burger ever found it's way to my awaiting mouth and grumbling tummy, complete with sun chips and a nice paper cup full of crispy water.
Delicious. I haven't played Volleyball for such a long time, it was refreshing!
All the laughing was positive also. The only downside is the sun was blocked out almost the entire time by attention seeking clouds..
Ah well.

I need a new cell phone, but I'm so attached. My beautiful, powerful RED samsung slider.
I love you.

School starts in about a week.
I'm excited.
-Need to get my bike serviced so it will last all summer.
-Finalize plans in Israel.
-Hot tub with Maria.
-Engineers without Borders program leader position
-Date on Friday- still need to secure a date..
-Volleyball tomorrow afternoon.
-Laundry



Hmm.. things feel alright!

66

My dog jumped on my head this morning.
Twice.
----------------------------



Saturday I applied for about 8 jobs.
2 Responded today.

One, working in the Arts Museum up on campus. $7.75-ish.
And one working for Vector Marketing. All I know about Vector is they sell knives {not door to door which is good} and it pays about $14 an hour. I don't really have any of the other details. She was pretty shady on the phone.

But if I work that job, 40 hours a week for 4 months I'll make around $8000. Which I really need. I wouldn't have to work through my next year of school- plus I'd have all the money I need for Israel. Of course after all that I'll have to get another job because I"ll be flat broke- Again- or hopefully they would just work with me so that I could keep it.

And this all depends on if I like it.
And what if I hate it?
I need to have some kind of back up plan.

The green house isn't really working out. Why. I realize he's setting up a new store- but I just thought that he might have returned my messages to let me know the heads up. Especially since he's a family friend. And because I've called him about 3 times.... He could be super + {plus} busy, and I guess I get that.

Anyways, my interview is at 12:30pm. I'll do what it takes to get it I suppose. And if worse comes to worse I'll work there for a couple weeks and then hit the road looking for something else. I just hope it's manageable. And when I say "manageable" I mean it'll only be on those "ripping your hair out" kinds of jobs and not the "gouging your eyes out + ripping hair". I think I could handle that for 4 months. That's really all it will take- notice how I'm already pumping myself up for the interview. Not necessarily a good sign.
And I need to head up to campus to talk with Rachel about the Museum job. Even though it won't pay as much they might be more flexible with my summer school hours and what not- plus I wouldn't have bike to who the "h" knows where for this other job. It doesn't really sound like one of those jobs that they recommend you bike to- but it's the only mode of transportation and I sure don't want to buy a car. Not now anyways.

65

Well I finally just decided to spill my sorry, pathetic, ja-ja-juicy guts and tell him. I felt myself clawing and mangling at the inside of my own mind because everything has been so.. thrown off balance. And I can't handle that kind of "shady", unless it's myself. And if that's the case I don't exactly "handle" it as much as I just survive.

I don't know why I can't just throw this feeling off.

All I know is that I absolutely have to give this my all before I decide to fly the coop and head for clearer waters. And until that's done and over with- it's 2 feet all the way in. I just..... choose him. For now. And perhaps that will be enough. For now.

Finals this week, so I pray for all those who must endure that kind of slavish labor. Best of luck to you all. Jeff had an 8 hour exam yesterday. VOMITS. If that's not entirely repulsive, throw me in a prison cell because I honestly think that some kind of mental illness or eating disorder would be the result of such a disgusting task- if it was me.
And then he gets to move to Idaho Falls for an internship.
Heh.

Mostly I just feel ill. Like all there is in my stomach is acid slowly eating away at my inner walls. Which doesn't make sense because as far as I remember I have eaten today. I've got a headache that doesn't make much sense and my body is sore from dancing. I'm tired but not enough to sleep- and besides that I loath napping. Still not quite sure how I feel about summer school in the next week or 2. Am I ready?
I have no idea, but I guess I'll have to be by the time my first class starts. And it'll be good to finally get some credits out of the way and back into some kind of PRODUCTIVE routine because... right now things are pretty monotonous.


The sun was out, but it was snowing. For a good 20 minutes I'd say. It didn't make much sense, and defied much of what I know about nature. Loved it though. Kind of like those days where it rains but the sun is still shimmery and bright. Strange phenomena.
But pleasant.

I miss Meggae. Like crazy.
And I'm sad about how all my plans to go down to Provo changed in a matter of 30 minutes. And it's hard to always be picking between family and friends, because both are so important to me. And when it comes to what's going on in my family it doesn't really seem like it matter or not whether I'm here. It doesn't change anything. Things remain the way they are. I don't think that my presence is really helping out.

None of this really makes sense, but I'm depressed by how sad it's all sounding.
School is almost starting so things will pick up!
Summer is coming and with it the heat and dry! Yes!
Camping, hiking, fires, etc.
Everyone will be out of school and have more time to spend with me.
Things will hopefully go well with the man and that's something to look forward to.
I'm hoping a job will turn up.
There are lots of reasons to be happy.
And I'm glad that I am.



Ever After. Dinner. Plan date. Sleep.

64

Blocked at every turn.







Walls closing in.












Nothing more I can do.

63

Sarah Lynne came over last night and we talked things out.
It was really good to get everything out in the open, off my chest and into a place where I could see things differently. The problem is, it doesn't change the fact that I don't know what to do right now.

We cleaned out her room, and got rid of anything harmful that was in there.
I'm sure she was upset, but it's what the doctor ordered.
I think I was expecting her to explode, yell- even cry. She acted like nothing happened and I"m not sure which disturbs me more.

I'm letting the travel bug take over me again, there's always this impulse to run {ITR} when things get out of hand, or when I get stressed, or when my environment no longer supports my needs and so the rest of the evening was spent looking up volunteer projects and dates that we could jet off at.
Anyone interested in doing humanitarian service {and I highly recommend it to everyone} should check out this website. It's a new one, one that I haven't heard of before but it sounds like all my wildest dreams could come true. Over 80 countries, and each project is only $300. That doesn't include the airfare, but I've been involved in a number of groups and then entry fee is always up around $1000 and that normally doesn't include airfare- except Guatemala. I paid $1000 {and that's IT} for a month long trip to Guatemala.
Best trip. Ever.

www.vfp.com
Volunteers for Peace

It's incredible. And I can't believe I've never heard of this before. They are affiliated with over a 1,000 other programs and because of that they've been able to equalize the costs {$300} across the board. You can do service that involves kids, Aid/HIV, Environmental Conservation, Biology, Ecology, Botany, Cleaning up tourist beaches, Animals and wildlife.

It's IS a dream come true. We're thinking about this summer, but there are conflicts with my schooling- so of course I'm debating about whether or not I'm really going to take this Math course because I would so much rather go to Israel, Russia, Paraguay, Tajikistan or Hungary.
They aren't long projects {most of them}. 10 days, to 2 weeks. And if they want you to come for longer {like if you're going to go teach English} then they let you know when they need you and for how long.

So- now all I need is a job.
I'm so sick of this trashy cycle.
Why doesn't he just call me back?
Nothing's working out in this department -except Alaska- and I think I've made up my mind for realsies this time.

I'm NOT going.




I feel sick.

62

Power point.

For every type of ignorance there is some theoretical amount of formatting that will make it look brilliant. I can compensate for a lack of useful information by increasing the number of PowerPoint slides I use. After about a dozen slides my audience will slip into a trance-like state and fantasize about the afterlife. Anything I say after that will slither past their conscious minds and go directly into the subconscious, where it will burrow in, build a home, and years later show up on X rays as a tumor.

Glad I could get that out there.
I heard someone today use the phrase "Rules were made to be broken". This clever saying is right up there with other all-time great saying including "People were meant to be punched" and "Car were meant to be driven by drunks". {those rhymed, how silly} Someday I'd like to see a televised trial of a serial {cereal} killer whose lawyers sums up his case, "Hey, rules are made to be broken." The jurors would probably say "Why didn't he say that in the first place?" and "Good point".

It's a crazy world we live in- that's all I know.
I'd like to run the above idea up a flagpole and see who salutes. That's would be pretty interesting-don't you think? And if it doesn't work then we can just "throw that dead cat" in somebody else's back yard.
I don't know. It makes about as much sense as all other creative classifications.

Creative classification: The theory that a rhinoceros is exactly the same as a chipmunk with a big nose.

My point is that I am convinced that a skilled photographer could stick a camera up a mosquito's behind, snap a few rolls, and use Photoshop to make it look like the Grand Ballroom at Windsor Palace.
Tecnique is everything.
And most people will believe the unbelievable.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's been a pretty boring day. I cleaned Talisa's room with my mom, and then showered and got ready for the day {ready for what?}. I looked up a bunch of jobs on campus & off campus but didn't bother to apply to any. No motivation. At all. Maybe tomorrow. My financial aid finally came in and it's only going to cost me a little over $1000 for my summer semester, and about the same for my fall semester.
I'm so glad that my financial aid also gives me 1/2 off on all school books as well, supplies and whatever.. and not just tuition. I don't understand how people can actually go to school paying full tuition and what not. It doesn't seem possible to me.

It's almost on my monthlies, so I'm inhaling most food- but this time it's lots of fruit and veggies so we'll see what happens. Tonight the Office board game, a movie and friends. It should be pretty fun. It normally is. And uh... that's about it. Really unproductive and lazy. I napped. I DID work out for a bit- started a new dance routine which is turning out to be pretty fun.

I can feel the travel bug beginning to stir within me again. More than most things I want Sarah Lynne and Nicole Amy to join me in a 2 week long excursion to Greece. We could take some cooking courses, ride on the ferries, swim in the ocean.. find ourselves each a "Kosta's" and a fun summer fling- I don't see a problem with the idea except we're all out of a job {oh wait, Sarah Lynne got herself a job- woot woot!}. And then with school and everything. My travels might be done for the year.

I will be going to Texas which should be an adventure {I've never been...} and.. then I'm planning on some camping adventures which will probably just be in Utah.. but maybe we can plan for next summer to hit the Greek-ness.


And uh.. hopefully the temple tomorrow.
Nothing's really working out.
And what horrible timing, concerning... everything.


Ah! Time to step.

61

Warning: This is a vent entry.
And it's going to sound pathetically emo- but I figure it I get it out of system, written down somewhere {anywhere} then it will be OUT of ME. And therefore I will no longer feel like an emotional sack of stupid.

You're dragging me down, and filling me {consistently} with self doubt. {there's hardly anything I hate worse then not feeling good enough for others, because it makes me feel hardly good enough for myself. And I don't care what people say about how no one can control how you feel. I do NOT believe that is the case all the time. And I don't think that's any "weakness" on my part.}
Wanting you to be... wanting me. That's not the way it should be.
I can only do so much. Why does it always come to this- me putting more in the everyone else? More then you? More than all the others?

I can be patient.
I CAN.

I can be reasonable.
I AM.

I can be me.
And that's it.

I am trying so hard not to be bitter, or to feel resentful, or to have a ridiculous little pity party for myself because THAT'S something that I DON'T believe in. I'm just ready for the part where things go right for a change. Where I don't have to struggle, and fight, and stumble and fall over and over and over. I'm ready for the part where things in this particular area in my life get better. I'm doing my best. I'm trying to do what's right. I'm working so hard to become the woman that I know I can be, and I feel like I get closer every day. I realize it's not suppose to be easy, and that there are going to be trials and all manner of tribulation. I realize that life isn't ever going to go the way that I really want it to. That's not what I'm upset about. I get that. I'm not stupid. I'm not ignorant or blind. I UNDERSTAND.

I just felt so much like things were looking up for me. Like something good was about to happen. And I thought that YOU were it. And every day that goes by- and the same old stupid trash is going on- that faith is slowly diminished. I'm not trying to let my faith slip when it comes to this circumstance. I'm not trying to be an emotional sack of stupid. I want to be strong, just like all of my life examples. And I can wait... I really can. But that doesn't mean that I'm not going to be confused.

I'm frustrated.
And crying.
And upset with myself for being so "weak", when all I was trying to do was to be strong.
And I hate that by writing this I feel like a failure.

I really am happy.
I happy with what I'm doing.
What I'm trying to do.
It's so hard to act instead of RE-act.


I want this one thing so badly that I physically ache when I think about it. When I talk about. When I write about it. It's one BIG thing I realize.. but... I just thought that this time....

Well I thought wrong.

I know what comes next.
The barriers will be rebuilt.
The walls reconstructed.
The pickets and wire replaced with brick and stone.
And I'll move on.

Again.

And now for the rational side of Chelsea {I call her Dot}

Chelsea, you have the power to do anything and everything that you want. You're not stupid, you're not getting your signals mixed up- that's just part of being a participant in human relationships. Something like this was bound to happen, and deep down inside you knew that. You just didn't prepare the way that you knew you should have. It's never a smooth ride, you KNOW there were bound to be bumps and jolts. Get it together babe, and whatever you do... don't fall of the ride because you have worked incredibly hard the past 2 years to accomplish what you have. Don't- whatever you do- even think about throwing that away.

And ya know what? It's ok because it happens to the best of us. As far as not being happy- that IS your own fault if you let it take over your esteem. Keep on going. You can do this. Rely on the things that you know to be true- like how you really feel about your life. And if that doesn't work as well as it normally does go back to the basics. They are always there, and they are the "basics" for a reason. Pray with all your heart for comfort, strength, and guidance because you know there is someone listening. Study your scriptures, you are constantly finding answers within that revered book- it has never failed you. And stay active in the gospel- tomorrow you're going to the temple for the first time about 8 years. And it's going to be an amazing experience because you're going with the people that have helped you get to where you are now.
They love you. And you love them. And what you're doing is good.

Don't let this small mishap change the course of your path, or hurt your faith. It will be but a small moment, and it WILL pass just like everything else. "Everything will be ok". You know that's true- and it is ok.

Now get back on the tracks, dust yourself off and keep climbing.

60

"Parents, coddle me."

I. Am. Registered. For summer classes, and for fall classes.
Ahhh yeah...

I'm taking my remedial math course along with 2 courses {2 weeks=6 credits}- Geography of Africa, and Geography of Utah.
I'm also signing up to be a project manager for Engineers Without Borders to Thailand and to Guatemala because guess who's got the contacts! Me! Just call me "Champ" baby!!! I'm also signing up with VIDA {Volunteers Inside Developing Areas- or something} because they do similar projects, but the retreats aren't as expensive cha-cha-ching!- And so. I can plan out projects and be a "leader" {which will look FREAKING awesome on my transcript/resume} and get to work doing my part to help save planet earth {which is all I want to do}, and the people that live on it, but ALSO go and volunteer myself! Now let's ask myself a questions... Do I want to go to Africa?- um... yeah-freaking-yes-to-the-um-this-is-why-I'm-alive-I-can't-wait-to-see-the-homeland-sign-me-up-baby-yes. Is this what I want to do with the rest of my life? Uh-you-better-believe-it-oh-my-landa'-my-life-has-never-felt-more-wonderful-then-it-does-now-doo-op!

I'm so excited. Does it show?
My Academic Advisor is fantastic. He's a Marine Biologist, and every summer he goes back to Hawaii {can I please please come?} to work with sea turtles {uh.. I'm going to explode I'm so happy} and their conservation {can you think of anything better.. then conservation?}. Can we say WHAT TO THE WIZAP? Um, he's so cool, and uh.. alot of other really awesome words that describe the humble and capable, and loveable, and honorouble. And every time I talk to him, or to my other professors { I saw Prof. Alsop, my favorite professor- natural disaster guru... ahh... yeah.. *big eyes* *big smile*} I get excited about my field of study and everything feels so right. Explosive happiness.
I love people that love making a difference- all over the world, although I do support the local projects.

One little upset in the plan. Marty from Alaska called me this morning {in the middle of "Vegetarian Lifestyle" cooking course} and told me that if I change my mind within the coming week that they could still use me. I feel horrible, and I'm not going to lie- a second chance at this job offer is really looking appeasing, because I still sure as all get out don't have a job. Tony hasn't called me back, and Justin may already be done hiring.

*gulps*
What to do, what to do?
My summer all of a sudden is looking so awesome, with all my classes and I'm rarin' and ready to learn! I've been out of the loop, I miss my studies, I miss my projects, I miss talking about things that I care about, and studying how to change the things that I'm worried about. I feel fully fledged and fabulous when I think about school.
But then Alaska- uh, I love travel... everyone knows that. I want to go and get away and most importantly- they HIRED ME, and are willing to give me much of the mula that I so desperatly need.

I am conflicted.

I told Sarah Lynne to tell Justin that I used to work for the Queen of England in her gardens. That should give me the "in" in the green house position I'm looking for- right?. Besides, it's all about my major.. kinda.. not really. But I love plants. I like growing them, smelling them, looking at them, eating them.. its great!
Plants+Me= Together, which also = $$$
I don't see a flaw in this plan.. do YOU Justin? Just give me the job already! I will be the best employee you have ever seen.

*calms down*


So I'm feeling incredibly elated, but very terribly confused at the same time. Uh *looks around for help*... so for now I'm going to make a Greek salad {I'm salivating already}, put on a movie and block out reality.

I....amaze myself sometimes...

59

Just finished choreographING my 3rd dance. Lady Gaga is so much fun to bump, pop, drop, lock and jive to. Of course I can't really see how the steps appear because it's just me so far that's done/doing them...
... I'm attempting to get Sarah Lynne and Katie on the bangin' bandwagon with me. Just for the work out, because really.. do YOU guys know anyone that doesn't like to dance?? That's what I thought..

And it's creative, which I personally esteem.

This is a daisy that I planted yesterday in my yard. I don't care for Gerbera Daisies all that much {and yes, that's their actual name}, I'd much rather have a garden full to near overflowing of wild flowers! But alas, mum and daddy picked out the jamesonii and... well- at least it's a lovely color right?

Salmon baby!

So. Ok.
My mom's solution for my life problems is "get married".
Daddy- "get back into school"
Both would be nice. But for now it's academic endeavors.

Tomorrow I've got my Academic Adviser meeting, it'll get me squared away for summer & fall which is super nice-like. Won't have to hassle with fellow schoolers jumping into all the classes that I need, and end up having to take a bunch of redunant credits that I don't especially require. It's because I'm a minority- priority registeration baby.. Funny as {you fill in the blank} Real life madlibs...
Can't wait till' that over so I don't have to worry about it anymore, and instead I can worry about the $$green$$. Because seriously- I hunger for employment. Yeah yeah I'm picky, but it's only because I really do have an issue with fast food joints {they go against most of my morals} , and I hate corporate/capitalistic department stores that are taking over the planet- aka Wal-Mart, Macy's, etc.

And who else is hiring?
Nothing that pays over minimum wage and I can't live on minimum wage, not with school and everything else that is coming up in the very near-ish, soon-ish {please hurry up!!} oh-s0-close future. Dah! I can almost taste it.
It's a dilemma. If worst comes to worst I'm going to end up working in the Genetics Lab on campus counting DNA- it pays $9 an hour. I was hoping for the greenhouse, so I can get some credit for lab work or something- ya know.. just.. SOMETHING that relates to my major/minor.

The ironic part about all of this is that my interest in money has gone down considerable-what a horrible time to stop caring about money right? Sighs. Whatevs.

Confession:
I texted him for a good 1/2 an hour, laid some base ground, got most formalities out of the way.
I was gardening and couldn't help but hear the voice in the back of my head {my mothers} so... there.
I did it, and it felt pretty good.

Also I've been eating much healthier. Instead of munching on the carb-carbs I've been sticking with fruit, water, water, water, and sometimes vegetables. It's been good though. The de-tox is working and even though I haven't dropped any lbs yet {I have dropped 4, but I'm not counting anything less then 10} I feel much more active and healthier.
Operation---- I'm still thinking of an appropriate Acronymn {AAA} to describe my "get into better shape" conquest. So if you guys think of anything...

Now the real waiting begins.
Zonino!


"I do have a test today, that wasn't bullslip. It's on European socialism. I mean, really, what's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan on being European. So who gives a crap if they're socialists? They could be fascist anarchists, it still doesn't change the fact that I don't own a car."

58

Ok. Well I sat up and chit chatted with daddy last night about.. well, my life and all the things I'm not sure about. I conversed with him about Alaska and he told me that he'd been thinking about that for me and said that he feels- as much fun as going to Alaska would be, since I have the drive to jump back into schooling and move forward with my educational goals that staying and doing that would be better idea.
I brought up the idea that no one was hiring me in the valley- and that I have no money to my name{ alright, that's exaggerated- but after signing up for my classes it will undoubtedly be the case} and he said that he and mum could help me out until I got a job, but I couldn't give up searching. That was a good enough answer for me so I emailed Marty to let him know that I wouldn't be going.
My stomach hurt, and I just feel bad about leaving it until now because it was such a process to get hired, and then he was counting on me to be there on the 5th of May. I feel bad for wasting his time, but when I applied I did so with every intention of going.

I hope I made the right choice.
And I hope that by trusting daddy everything will work out the way it's supposed to. Even if it's hard. I may be looking for a job the entire summer. I sure hope not. I really need the mula! And I realize that my parents know I'll pay them back- but being in debt by your parents is worse than some company {Not that I've ever owed anyone BUT my parents money}.

I don't know.
I just feel out of luck.
Sarah basically guaranteed that I could get a job at the greenhouse with her but now she's going back on it. She got her job, I guess that's all that matters.
So... now I gotta call Tony's Grove and start applying everywhere else I guess.

Ugh.
I feel like I already have.
And it's grossing me out.
Not to mention this whole process is really taking a hit on my self esteem.

57

Today is a yellow day.

As soon as my mother comes back from Water Aerobics we're going to start planting our flowers. Yes we are, and it's going to be awesome because gardening is BANGARANG!

So.. yeah.
MLI

56

What a roller coaster Sunday it's been.
So much in fact that I just awoke from a remedial 5 hour nap.
Ugh.
I dislike napping.

Friends coming and going; the cause of the upheaval in my familiar sleeping patterns.
Mikey's homecoming at 9 am. It was wonderful to see him this time. He seemed much more convivial and relaxed then at Nicole's. This was fantastic and he delivered his homecoming speech with gusto. Seeing his parents made me very happy {I feel so much like I'm at home when I'm around them}, and at the after "party", sitting and listening to him recount adrenaline filled tales about the mission was exceptionally pleasurable. He actually looked at me today- in the eyes- and it was a relief to feel like I have another friend around these here parts.

Don't mind the 'hick-ness' of that accent. It has nothing to do with who I really am. :)

1pm, Alicia's farewell.
Again we headed to church and found ourselves in a very comfy aisle. Go us for being thrifty in our seating arrangements. The hymns had a huge impact on me as we sat through the meeting. And when Alicia gave her talk it was difficult not to let my eyes sweat a little. She's always been such an astounding example to me- I know of some of the events that have transpired in her life. It's been hard and mostly unfair, but she's happy and is looking to make sure others have that chance as well. It was beautiful- as she was, and that get together at her house was diverting. Capital weather, awesome pineapple and nice crispy water.

A good day.

But chockablocked and jam-packed to the rim with motility of/about life.
I came home, not intending to fall in slumber at all. I lay on my bed of roses and allowed my mind to unfold, and my tenseness unwind as I thought upon the conversations and all the words that were said {and not said}- and the impressions while being said. And then 5 hours later- I wake up.
Such a wasteful way to spend my awesome Sunday afternoon. It was an exceptionally grand day- and who knows if this kind of weather is going to stick around? I sure have no idea. Weather in this here town sure is testy. Again, take no head to the cowboy slurr.....

All things considered it has been 1 eye-opening and thought provoking day. I'm excited about the fact that I haven't freaked out yet and/or lost my marbles- as I thought would happen. Thus far into the game my demeanor has been calm, accepting, and patient and how blessed I feel for it. I'm confident about my feelings. And as I've said countless times before, I feel something very good, special, and life changing slowly making it's way towards me. The anticipation is killer, but I know that the wait will be more than worth it- whatever this "something" is.

In other news I climbed up to the top of the mountain and watched the sunset with Scott-last night. If I had known just how steep that stupid hill of dirt was, or how high he'd actually planned on hiking {and pushing our blasted bikes} I would not have accompanied him. My calves lit on fire. Imagine that, I dare you. The sunset was beautiful {but has anyone ever seen one that hasn't been?}, and the chat with him was..alright.

Side note- Sarah and I conversed about how strange it would be if your eyes gained weight. And we're not talking about your eye lids, or the parts underneath the blessed oculars.. your ACTUAL eyes....

"Hey slap Jack! Looks like you've been putting on some weight!"

*slap Jack attempts to blink but cannot because of the excessive poundage protruding out of his stretched sockets*

" Yes. I KNOW hot-needle Harry! My optic nerves are stretching under the weight, I can't seem to find an excersize to fix this"

Yeah, I just think it would be gross.

55

Saw Mikey last night.
It was awkward for him, I could tell.
And for awhile I worried about being the most funny and smart or composed. Putting off a good impression ya know?, but then with a jolt I realized that... There's no need to try and be someone I'm not. Not saying that I'm not funny, or not smart- but I don't need to worry about coming across as something MORE than I am. Me should be enough.

After that I relaxed and enjoyed the rest of my evening. He wouldn't look me in the eye. He never really said 'Hi'. I attempted to make conversation but he was short with me and gave vague answers.

I worry that he just sees me as a bad memory {after all, he did write on MySpace that I was one of the worst mistake of his life}, and I suppose if that's the case- Alright. There's nothing I can do about that. I can only live my life the way I feel I should, and the way that I have. Part me feels sad because he's not even going to give me a chance to be friends with him, I thought about bringing that up- but then.. another jolt happened..
.. There's no need for me to do that.
Because I just don't think it's fair.

And I'm not going to fight for this, for me. I would fight for both of us forever, but I'm not entering this "competition". It shouldn't be that way. Maybe that's something I'd have considered 2 years ago, but not now.

As far as my feelings about him. There's nothing definite. The reunion wasn't quite what I imagined, and he's still got a lot of adjusting to do. I can understand and appreciate that, but I just wanted to be friends- and to be honest I don't really see it happening. Not with how things went last night. The future is ever changing and who knows maybe after Sunday I'll feel more positive about the relationship.
I'm more excited to see his mom and daddy- then him.
I wonder what that means?

12:02pm
It's a beautiful sunny day, and thus far I have nothing planned.
I need to get another hobby, or join some kind of club because things just aren't feeling progressive anymore.


We watched Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds".
Never have I seen this before, but of course have heard much about it.
Surprisingly- I LOVED it. And this just isn't the type of movie that I get into- I think I just saw a lot of parallels with this movie and my current happenings. There is no explanation or conclusion for anything that happens- welcome to my life. And to many other people's. I just think that's the way it goes sometimes. Phenomenally strange things happen to each of us and there's really no cause for it and the effects are ever interesting. All that's left is to draw your conclusions or to finish each story the way you think you should.

I'm sure that once this stage has run it's course I'll think about this movie and hate it with a passion. But for now I can relate and it makes things seem a little easier.

Thank you Alfred.

54

Last night was a crucial opportunity of growth for my own personal benefit.
Things were unraveling. Mostly just me.
I sat in my closet and had to hold myself so that my soul hole wouldn't stretch further than I was capable of handling. I began to let the tears waterfall down my face but suddenly realized that I didn't want to be like that.

I didn't want one stupid situation to reduce me to a soul hole s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d crying baby in the closet{SHSCBITC}. So after brushing the tears aside I got down on my knees and prayed for the strength, patience, and guidance regarding the happening that just arose.
I received a text from Max explaining why our date fell through. It had nothing to do with why I crumbled earlier but it made me feel better on that account to know that it wasn't because I'm ugly, or fat, or undesirable in some other way. He said next week, and my heart lifted.

After thinking things through and deciding that I wanted to "act and not react" I texted Sarah for a few minutes. She herself was just going through this a couple weeks ago, and how lucky and blessed I am to have her in my life.
It was nice to be able to express my emotions with calm, carefully thought out words instead of throwing something [or myself] into the wall and causing a distressful scene. And nothing is broken- so a double plus.

I'm only angry and frustrated with myself. I was doing so well with the "not expecting anything" strategy. Then 1 text sent me reeling. Obviously some kind of expectation slipped it's way in there and whatever it was that I WAS expecting- it wasn't that. So stupid. But I feel better about thing because I've re-evaluated the way that I want to be, and who I am now.

I have absolutely nothing to prove. Because I know who's on my side. And He'll never leave.

The only other thing that I haven't quite figured out is this impulse to run far far away. I have the opportunity to spend time in Alaska- but I don't know if in the deepest parts of my being I really considered it all the way- until now... Of course it sounds good now, but it feels like I'm being driven from my home- and I did that before and eventually had to come back and face it anyways. I'd rather face these demons and trials now then hold out and wait until I have to come back. I want to make the decision to act now.. and not react and run away to another deep dark, hardly populated place on earth.

And maybe right now isn't the best time to try and decide that. Just because it's all very up-in-my-face at the moment.

In happier news, I went shopping yesterday for the first time in months. Purchased 2 new outfits- dresses for church and some hair clips with roses on them. Love them, a lot. And it was good to spend some time out of my house. We looked at the rings, and I found the one I want. Surprisingly it's not a pearl- which I've always wanted and have always dreamed about... but this is good to. I'm going to try and find a picture of it. It's gorgeous. And it was only $325 dollars. Impressive.
Ha! It was fun to look and try on. We're such girlie girls but I wouldn't want it any other way. Today isn't as grey and cold as yesterday which is a plus, and we're playing cards tonight with a bunch of people- so...that's... special.
To Do List:

1-Laundry, laundry, laundry
2-Set up appointment with Academic Advisor
3-Campus, jobs-internships

53

I am so blessed to have the friends that I do.
Just as my world was crashing down all around me, my best friend Sarah sent me this link via cellphone

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snAjZ8mfoYw

52

Patience.
Patience.
Patience.

I feel like something mondo is about to take place- but I've been feeling this for a good month now and that "something" has yet to display itself. The impressions is something first class. An upside uʍop tipsy turvey full-blown WONDERFUL something is a'stirring.

I have my suspicions.
Know my desires.
The next big step.
I've never wanted anything so much in my entire.

----------
How do I explain my cognition without sounding like a total hypocrite and a horrible friend? I see him as middle ground, which is relieving except for that he's not supporting me.

I need to feel progress of some kind. This is just how I am.

----------

Taxes mailed.
Interview nailed.
Room cleaned.
Breakfast eaten.

He's back off his mission. Came home yesterday. I'm feeling sick. There's really no reason for it except my own feelings of uncertainty. What do I say? I definitely can't think of anything.
We can work it out.
I'm not ready for today.
..I suppose I should GO get ready...

MLI [more later-ish]

4:15pm

I found the ring. On accident.

51

I stepped on the scale today.
Haven't done that for about 3 years.

And now I remember why..

7:13pm

Alright so I'm having a real hard time excersizing patience.
With everything.
And everyone.

Eurgh!

50

Wow! 50 is quite a number. Some kind of celebration or recognition is needed for this entry.
Maybe I'll make a list... but of what. Names? Ways to make shadow puppets? Shapes? Minerals?
Minerals!!! That's it. I will be thoroughly impressed with myself if I can come up with 50 minerals...

Minerals:
1) Quartz
2) Pyrite
3) Turquoise
4) Graphite
5) Diamond
6) Opal
7) Silver
8) Sulphur
9) Talc
10) Gypsum
.... Oh no.. I don't think I'm going to make it..
11) Apatite
12) Halite
13) Monazite
14) Sanadine
15) Zircon

That's all I got.. I'm still pretty happy with that though.
I'm going to continue this list.. but this time I'm going to start doing rocks. Rock bands! No Classic Rock Bands!- let's see where this list takes me..

16) The Beatles
17) Pink Floyd
18) The Who {yes!}
19) Grateful Dead
20) Rolling Stones
21) Led t' the Zepplin
22) Eagles
23) The Doors
24) The Byrds
25) Fleetwood Mac
26) Def Leppard
27) Van Halen
28) Z Z Top
29) Aerosmith
30) Styx
31) Deep Purple
32) KISS
33) Sex Pistols
34) The Police {mm mm}
.. come on! I know there's more...
35) dah! Blondie!
36) Lynyrd Skynyrd
37) Queen {of course}
38) Ha! Steve Miller Band
39) AC/DC

...I feel good about that. A pretty hearty list.. alright.. now to finish off this litany.. Minerals, Rock Bands.. something that could co-ordinate with these 2 topics.. Elements? Atmospheric Layers.. I'm curious to see how many of those I could get..

40} I think it starts with the Exosphere
41) Exobase
42) Ionosphere
43) Thermopause... Maybe?
44) Thermosphere
45) Mesopause {I always want to write Menopause}
46) Mesosphere
47) Stratopause
48) Stratosphere
49) Then... Oh! The Ozone!
AND
50) Tropopause...

There's 1 or 2 more after that. It makes sense that there would be a Troposphere.. but is there anything after that?? I can't really remember- thank you college for making me memorize all this ... potentially useless information. Maybe one day I really will use it {and then I'll have to bite-ah!- my tongue}-

I only really care about the Exosphere- because that's where I live. :) And everyone else...I guess.

11:23am
It's a cozy days. Lots of dark clouds and rain is waterfalling down my window. Refreshing cleansed air is seeping through the plastic screen and I feel good! Yesterday afternoon mum asked me to go down to Lee's to purchase Crushed Garlic. I didn't really want to go {Because I was absorbed in one of my favorite books: Animal Farm- love it.}, but I'm glad that she made me. On the way home he drove by and honked at me [What?!]. It was a small and somewhat immature gesture, but it was cool to think that he noticed- and that he wanted me to notice him. He said we'd go either last night or on Wed. No phone call last night so I think I'm safe in assuming that the date will be tomorrow night.

Agh!
A date.
Dancing none the less. *Cringes*
I took Swing Dancing in high school, I'm not going to say I hated it.But I definitley didn't put it on my list of "Things That I Do In My Free Time" or "Things That I Enjoy".
And I've found that for me- when it really comes down to it- I enjoy dance without rules. No specific steps or having to follow a beat. [[[Just letting go!]]] That's where I find happiness in the world of dance.
But I'll go, because he enjoys it and I'm interested in him. Plus he promised that if he could teach me this, then I could teach him something new on the next time. Woah.. I just realized that he plans on a 2nd date, and we haven't even been on the first.... Interesting.
I have no idea what I could teach him. To swim? That could be awkward..
A song on the piano? That has potential..
Some kind of meal?

The things I'm good at everyone else can do to: Blinking, walking around,typing, talking. Nothing really new to learn there..

If you guys have any fun date ideas that don't involve a lot of money I would love to hear them.

49

I finally glimpsed him at church today.
My heart constricted when it happened, and the blood rushed to my face. I wish I just went red like everyone else- instead of purple.
It took the entire sacrament meeting to calm my jittery nerves. And as we sang the closing hymn my voice shook because of my disposition.

The closing prayer ended and I stood up to go to my next class. Oh- and I tripped as well.
He caught my eye- and I watched with pleasure as HIS face suddenly turn crimson. We were a silly matching pair.

We exchanged 7 words and went our different ways. Except that our ways lead to the same sunday school class. I sat in between Jarren and Jeff- He sat up at the front.. with no one beside him. I started kicking myself then...
Nothing else was said.
And that's ok, because I feel content and calm. Now anyways.


If it's supposed to happen, then it will. If not- well...


5:23pm

I went on a stroll this afternoon with my trustworthy canine. We had a fantastic time soaking up the heat and sunshine and enjoyed the feeling of blood pumping through our active bodies. It took me all the courage I had to try and casually walk by his house-I saw that he was outside playing fetch with his dog. Muscles tensed, my eyes peaked through my raven tresses multiple times to see if he was looking...
You'd think I'd get used to this. He's lived by me my entire life and we still haven't actually gotten to know each other.

And then a thought struck me like a bolt of red hot lightening- What exactly do I have to lose? Nothing.
So I did it.
I waved.
He waved.

We got talking. It wasn't anything special. Just catching up. Small talk. Asked him about his mission and such- he asked me about what I'd been doing for the past 2 years.

And then..... !!!
And then he asked me for my number.

... just a small moment ...

.an epiphany.

Sitting at our kitchen "bar" on a rickety old stool eating a giant, pink, fleshy grapefruit-just now. I was concentrating pretty hard on it, paying more attention than probably necessary to the way my silver spoon sliced it's way through the fruit to journey on to my awaiting taste buds. I stopped and peered closely at those tiny translucent capsuls full of bittersweet juice. It made me smile. Teeth showing and all.

I continued to eat and enjoy. A conversation bubbled- going on dimly in my background. My units were discussing my 2 younger sisters, and about the "stages" that they're in. Pushing their limits [my parents and their own], attempting to find their "independence"-they've finally hit the rebellious stage. I personally thought it would never come- and that the memory of my episodes would remain burned in their memories forever. My parents continued to chit chat, previewing a film that they [my sisters] wanted to go view this afternoon at the matinee.
They told Victoria and Talisa "no"- which is funny because I know that they've already seen the movie, along with a bunch of others that I know would cause a very intense, lasting, dramatic scene if I were ever to spill my guts to the beloved house wardens.

It took me back to when I was going through that same thing. Just going against all the rules-thinking they were there to be tested- trying to "break free" and join the "non conforming" party which we all know can't exist. I was stupid.

Sighing inwardly the content that I felt in that moment was quite overpowering. So glad that it's behind me. So relieved I'm in a healthier place now where I know what's good for me and what's not- And not because my parents have told me, because I know for myself. Happy that I have a testimony and that it encourages and strengthens me when I struggle to see the black and white lines.
I'm so glad that THAT [refers to the above contentions] part of my life.. is over!

Sweet joyous freedom from so many binds the world had me in!!
I'm no where near where I want to be, but I'm steadily making my way there.
And so I finished my grapefruit, reveling in how far I've come- and how much farther I must go.


It was a nice moment.
A moment of flawless peace.

47

Received a text last night from Nicole.
"Breakfast tomorrow morning. 9 am. My apartment. Please come."
I thought about it. Actually thought about it instead of disregarding it like I've been doing. Didn't text her back for hours. And then this morning realized that I really did need to start doing something about this... thing that's taken over me.

I awoke feeling rested and spri, got ready for the day.
"Don't want anyone to guess what's been going the last couple weeks do I?" I said this to myself as I applied mascara to my eyelashes and crammed by hand into my purse looking for the trusty chapstick [the cheap stuff, cause that's how I roll.]

Assembled an outfit, showered, ready for the day by 9 am.

I drove Petey [my big grey van] out there around 9:30. Needed a moment to hash things through, how to act, what things to say...
It was really...refreshing..to be in the presence of people again. An embryonic feeling of discomfort. Jarren was showing some interest and I'm just not ready for that. And that new kid- Riley. At first I liked him-seemed a nice enough guy, then realized that all conversation had to be revolved around him. It's a shame, he had such beautiful blue eyes. He kept saying that I had a strange vocabulary.. and that he couldn't understand half the things I was saying... ok... My impression could change- firsts don't always hold with me. It's the 2nd that becomes vital. Overall it was a pleasure to visit Nicole, Sharyko, Marshal, Jarren and Tennessee.

I had to force myself to nibble at a fluffy waffle so I didn't seem too off or different.
I didn't want it though. The smell of bacon and sausage set my stomache on a rollercoaster ride. I tried hard not to dry heave. And succeeded.
But I finished it, and sculled the orange juice that they poured for me.

Cleaning up was the favorable event because I felt industrious, and then afterwards we settled on the blue scratchy couches and shared our "most embarrassing" or "horrific" date stories. Mine won, of course. I always win, and it's not something that I'm particularly proud of.

What can ya do though when you're life is one big fat embarrassing joke?

All ye can do is laugh my friends. At least they were entertained and giggling.
She noticed my weight loss. And instead of feeling pleased and happy about it I just felt self conscious and stupid. We talked about Alaska. She gave me my "late birthday" present which turned out to be a variety of colorful socks. I LOVE them!! And then it was time to get out of there before I started crying.


But I didn't cry.
I don't know what the problem was, just to much-I guess-for one interaction. So many intense emotions being shown by everyone. I felt high-strung and jittery the entire time, and mostly uninterested in all the topics of conversation. They want to view an Audrey Hepburn film this evening- of course I'm in. Movies are a good way to dull the aching feelings that I've been having about... just about everything, but mostly life. How does that narrow it down for ya? Ha!
So there's bound to be some more human interaction there. I guess it's time to begin purchasing all the things that I need for Alaska- like my plane ticket, and those black pants and "dockers". Freakin' dockers.. loath those shoes. And then I need to contact Marty about transportation from the airport because I sure as heck am not driving clear the freak up there.

I've been emailing Brooke. She's given me heaps of applicable and helpful advice and I see adjustments that I could make in the changes that I'm striving for. The main concept is still there but I can see what she means about being "flexible" and "available".

Almost had a heart attack last night. That number showed up on my phone. Scott. I knew it was him because I-unfortunately- have his number memorized. Wasn't certain whether or not to respond because I'm pretty sure it was a drunk text. Brookes words came floating back into my mind. I responded but kept things short and to the point. [ I still have no idea what that point was.] I'm sure he doesn't expect anything but that anyways. Good work Chels! Ugh.

It worked! He soon left me alone.
I keep telling myself it's for the best, and I know that it will be... one day.

46

Empty
Empty
Empty

The hum of a simple piano key.
Vibrant, continuous.. it slowly loses luster. And colour.
G.
That's the note I'm expressing.

Never foresaw this coming, and it feels like most of these entries are negative. Lately. But my taction isn't pessimistic or dissentient, more contemplative and complacent. It's just that there's nothing of significance is materializing. This is unheard of. For me.

Unmotivated.
Unmoved.
Uninspired

Mostly "un" everything...

But I'm at peace. Pleased as punch. Happy.... kinda. I think. I can't really tell though.
Isn't this what people feel like right before they die?

It's like I've already accomplished everything that I want with the exception of 2 things.

Marriage.
Children.

And that's such a big lie! Right? Now I'm trying to convince myself! I still have things that I want to do....right? There's still so much. I've only lived a grand total of 21 yrs of life- well into my 22nd. Ok, not well into but it's begun.

I've attended school [not finished but..], I've had about 1,000,000,000 different jobs that have taught me countless things. I've traveled much of the world and partaken of the experiences with an open mind and a mostly open heart. I've gone back and forth to the straight and narrow more times then I can count. I've experienced the joys of Humanitarian Aid.
-I have no drive to get a job.
-I have no drive to go back to school.
-I have no drive to do anything what so ever.

I've been within the confines of my house for the past 2 and 1/2 weeks. I haven't left the walls of this realm.

What do I make of this?
I could be depressed. I had an inference that perhaps I should start taking the pills again. I don't feel unhappy or reckless. I don't feel maniacal or impulsive. I haven't shed tears for no reason. These are proven side effects of my chemical imbalance. Instead "static" is the only thing revealing. static. static. static. static. static. static.
No real progress. I'm starting to develop some obsessions??? Obsessions that I've never really known. I'm just not the type. Am I?

And the most disturbing of all is that I don't mind that I've become a hermit. This is shocking, because I'm the type of person that-in fact- DOES mind that sort of behavior.
Not quite sure what to make of it. Or not make of it.

I wish I had a hint.
A clue.
I'd even attempt a riddle. ˙sǝlppıɹ ʇɐ pooƃ ou ʇsnɾ ɯ,ı puɐ
Whatever I'm supposed to do I will do. I'll go anywhere, I'll do whatever it takes. I just need some kind of guidance. I don't want to leap blindly on this. It's important to me to do things right this time. Whatever path will take me to him... Whatever road will be best for me.. Wherever I'm supposed to go...

I will.
I will.


This picture was taken in the Marina de' Ragusa Sicily. May 2007. I miss the heat. I miss the humidity. I miss the smell of the Mediterranean, and the those 2 perfect blue horizons crashing in the distance. The ocean crabs sunning themselves on the rocks, the sweet smell of the fresh fruit open air markets, and the soft sand monopolizing my toes.

Oh Italy.

45

Recipe for Disaster

Now, most people think that you can just throw a whole bunch of chaos into a situation and walk away.
That is not the case, the most you're going to get out of that is mayhem. Good disaster should be catastrophic, and that my friends takes preparation and patience. Now as everyone knows there are literally thousands of ways to flavor your disaster. But the recipe I'm gonna give you today is just for a good common disaster. Here's the basic ingredients you're going to need:

1 cup of the idea of chaos NOT chaos.
1/2 lb of sliced trouble, as thin as you can get it.
1/2 lb of miscommunication.
You're also going to need 1 bearded man. Any size bearded man will do, just make sure he's ripe, and then you're going to need about a tablespoon of truth.
Lastly you'll need 3 buckets of uncontrollable force.

Alright! Let's make some disaster!

So we're going to start with our idea of chaos, you're just gonna throw that in there. This is going to be your base. Now, right away add your bearded man. A lot of people will say don't add your bearded man till' later, but I say add him right at the beginning because then everyone starts looking around like "whose that guy?" pointing, and he just walks around the chaos, standing in doorways, trying to hang out in back lid places...... anyways.. then you want to go ahead and add your trouble and miscommunication, but you have to add them together at the same time. If you just go ahead and add the trouble in there, someone with a good idea is going to solve that trouble, and then.. disaster's been averted.

What have you got then?

You have to have the miscommunication going on with the trouble. For instance: A new shipment of walkie talkies comes in. You light the walkie talkies on fire. There's your trouble "Uh oh, the walkie talkies are on fire!" Now you have to make sure, that the guy that they send for water comes back with batteries cause "water" and "batteries" sound a lot alike...See.. that's miscommunication.
You wanna think about it as a very poisonous lasagna: A layer of trouble, layer of miscommuncation, layer of trouble, layer of miscommunication.

Now you should in a totally different pot be bringing your "uncontrollable force" to a boil. Now right before you add the uncontrollable force you throw in a little dash of truth and that's just gonna wake everyone body up like "oh my gosh! this is actually going to happen".

You can use the "perseption of truth" but I've find that if you use the real thing you get a much better result.

BAM!
Add the uncontrollable force and you have disaster. Now you just sit back with a nice glass of chilled sparkling cider and listen to the bearded man cackle.

44

BB King!
BB King!
BB King!
BB King!
BB King!!

April 14th.
SLC UT.

I hereby document that I am going to try/attempt absolutely everything and anything within my feeble power and determination to make this concert [BB King, you are an inspiration to me and my family. We love you], and my heart exist in harmony together in the same hall for one night..


.. In other news I'm in love with Prince Henry and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm still floundering with confusion about the decisions I need to make here pretty quick. The weather has been splendid. Stormy, rainy, windy, and cold all day- perfect for some thick-ish hot chocolate and my favorite chick flicks.. curled up on the couch with my dogs because I don't have a life outside my house right now.

43

The flavor of summer shimmered in the air.
I could taste it. And hear it. And feel it. Smell it. Touch it.

A frosted grapefruit. The construction going on across the street[I hate that their developing]. The sun beating down. Hot sticky asphalt. The velvet green grass in our fenced yard.

It's almost here. So close. Not quite touchable.


A good day.
Turned in another application. The anticipation will end up killing me I'm sure. Just have to wait and see. Always waiting. Patience is not a strong point of mine- when it comes to stuff like this.

Litany!!

My Favorite Romance Movies:

1. Pride and Prejudice {Kiera Knightly}
2. Gone With The Wind
3. Becoming Jane
4. Sense and Sensibility
5. Ever After
6. Love Actually
7. The Notebook
8. Phantom of the Opera
9. Twilight
10.Chocolate
11. Titanic
12. Funny Girl
13. Steel Magnolias
14. Bride Wars
15. Parent Trap

.. more are in the works.

Movies I Regret Seeing?

Spider Man
City of Ember
The Grudge
Wall`E
Hair Spray
21
Indiana Jones [the new one]
The Good Girl
I Am Legend
Atonement [edited]
House Bunny
Labrynth [this is the worst movie I've ever seen in my life.]
Fight Club [edited]
Secret Window


.. and there are more coming.. I'm sure.

42

"God will shape the back to bare the burden."
"We need to get on with our lives."
"The future is only as bright as our faith."
"The loneliest journey ever taken, was by Jesus Christ"

Just a favorable few.

It's whippingly glacial outside, and I'm finding it difficult to t.t.type. Stiff digits. Thawing appendages. Feel the burn.
The works! Yesiree bob. At least the canine's are jubilant.

The conflict continues. No pull either way. No push either way either.. That's a lot of "either-s".
No letters. I no longer expect them anymore.
Growing anxiety. Not much I can do about that.
Munching and crunching. I'm working on this.


I've been keeping a log- I see a pattern in my dietary habits. I eat more when I'm stressed, but not normal stress like boys or simply every day life {when it comes to boys I stop eating all together- wish I had 'boy' stress all the time really..} but if it involves serious decisions concerning my position on the globe, the gobbling emerges. And it's not anything bad per say. I don't eat fast food, candy, chips and such. Because I just don't like it... but I thoroughly take pleasure in downing carbs- pasta's, bread's, rice rice rice, fruits and veggies. I'm all OVER that stuff.
For instance- I truly cannot count [1, 2, 3, 8, 4, 55???] how many bread rolls I ate this afternoon, along with however many grapefruits.

Everything in moderation.
I'm really trying to apply this to my life.

"We need to get on with our lives"

Say goodbye,
lose your friends?
make them go,
don't need them around.

Cause it's time..
lose your friends,
make them go....
was never supposed to be like this.

They were to weak,
to prone to break,
their knees to deep,
their skin to thin.


I'm not going back on this.
This is what I believe.
This is what I know.


It doesn't make anything easier, but I also realize that whatever I'm going through.. someone else is going through something much more difficult and that everyone is fighting some kind of battle.